Abusive Parents

[Andara Bledin]

I got lucky. Sure, my dad is a meth-zombie, but my mother has always been amazing and my brother and I had a lot of support while we were growing up.

But I've witnessed more than my share of cases where parents would neglect their kids, or hit them, or try to control them, or be otherwise mentally abusive.

I used to have a friend who thought she was stupid because for her entire life, her father told her so. She was one of the more clever people I've met, but no amount of support from outside could overcome the abuse her father put her through.

Another person I know has a sister who is an overbearing religious type and so this person made a point of letting all of their sister's kids know that if they ever needed a place to go, they would always be welcome in their home. Three of the five kids currently live on this side of the country and not the side where their mother lives. There's a good chance the youngest will be doing the same as soon as she's old enough to fly the nest.

Gah... sometimes I just want to be able to shake these people just to see if there's anything upstairs to even rattle around in their heads. >_<

^-.-^

[Rageaholic]

Yeah, I got lucky too and have good parents. I've known many abusive parents though. From physical abuse to mental abuse, to even abusing the spouse. I've known people who I thought were pretty cool people until it turns out they were arrested for threatening their kids with a gun.

The most annoying for me are the subtle abusers. The ones who cross the line between merely strict to abusive. I have a hard enough time having any respect for those with unreasonably high expectations (Straight A's or nothing). But to me, they cross the line into abusive when they never have anything positive to say to their kids. It's all criticism, yelling, and punishment. I've been to many houses where everyone is always arguing, yelling, and generally seem miserable and uptight. Contrast to other houses where you can have a decent conversation without the tense atmosphere.

What I really hate are when those who are really really strict encourage others to be the same. Either by just criticizing other parents who they think are too "nice" or writting books on it (coughamychuacough).

[Mishi]

It's all criticism, yelling, and punishment. I've been to many houses where everyone is always arguing, yelling, and generally seem miserable and uptight.

Sounds like the house I grew up in. Took me years to realise that not all parents are like that, and that her method of 'discipline' was actually abuse. I was always told that it was normal, biblical and the right thing to do. That, and Jesus talks directly to her, decides all her actions and dobs me in when I've been bad. She started trying to influence my kids and that was it. I asked for advice on CS, acted on it and cut contact with her, and have never been happier. I don't constantly feel guilty or stressed that I'm somehow screwing up everyone's lives simply by existing. She's told her side of the family that my husband is physically/emotionally abusive which pisses me off to no end. He's so supportive, patient and kind that it really hurts me that she's said that about him. Luckily, only two people believe her and that's because (very unfortunately) every woman on that side has been in a physically abusive relationship at some point. She's just changed her email (I'd blocked it) to whinge at me about how everyone's soooo stressed about her upcoming surgery, there's sooo many dangers, her parents are sooo worried + a few stabs at me. There's only a mortality rate of 0.02-0.05% for her surgery... that's less risk than being a pregnant female in a developed country!

One thing that really pointed out how different my little family is to the one I grew up in was this weekend. We have two cars, and one burst a radiator hose. In my childhood, that would mean cancelling the outings (despite having another car), much screaming by parents, blaming each other, screaming at the kids, screaming at them some more for 'answering back', groundings and/or many smacks, and the car would be out of commission for at least a week.
My household? "Oh, that sucks... we'll take it home, I'll have a look at it quickly, we can swap cars and I'll deal with it on Monday." Yeah, he's so horrible!

[telecom_goddess]

I grew up with a mentally abusive mother, with no father in the house, and no other siblings (sister had long grown up and gotten out). In addition I was socially isolated.

Yeah not fun and I still deal with trauma from that. It's why I do really well online but shitty in person. And spend my life going to work or coming home. At least my work with the local grange hall and flea market are forcing me out of my shell so that's good.

[Ladeeda]

I grew up from age 12 to age 20 in a mildly abusive environment. Mainly emotional, mental, and socially isolating: no clubs, except Bible club, no hanging out with friends which wasn't a problem since I never had any. As is, my social skills aren't great, I have trouble maintaining contact with people, and have absolutely no flirtation skills and nearly no romantic experience.

[Eisa]

I grew up in hell. My mom's mainly emotionally abusive and neglectful. She always broke her promises when I was growing up. And ignored everything else that was going on and/or blamed it on me.

Like my younger sister trying to kill me? Yeah, that's "normal sibling rivalry" to my mother.

We shan't even go into the sexual/physical/emotional/religious shit my dad put me through.

But yeah. I could really hate them for what they put me through. I'm all grown-up chronologically, but I am NOT an adult inside...and most of it is because of them. They never gave me the tools to grow up and they fucked over and stole my childhood. So it's like now...they made me depend on them for ages and then want to see me as a perfectly healthy, successful adult so they can point to me and go "See, we aren't bad parents." I'm not complying with that, obviously, so then I get in trouble for apparently not being perfect...

I also do pretty well online and really shitty in person. One of the problems I have is social anxiety. It's nearly crippling. I mean...jesus, I'm reading a BOOK about social anxiety right now and feeling anxious. One of the sources of it is phone calls. I cannot make phone calls. Even to order a pizza. When I had to call my doctor the other week, I almost had a panic attack, freaked out, had to call my bf, practice several times, and write down an exact script of what to say not only to the dr. if I talked to him, but the receptionist. And then had to hold my teddy bear the whole time. People don't get that. I should "act like an adult already" and make phone calls.

.....I want to kick those people.

[Giggle Goose]

To the folks here who grew up in less-than-ideal situations and are still dealing with the repercussions.

Without going into details, my parents definitely weren't model citizens. But I fared a helluva lot better than other people have, so I try to remember that. I highly recommend the book "The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls. It's a memoir about a successful journalist who hid the truth about her background. She grew up in abject poverty with eccentric parents who couldn't be bothered to hold steady jobs and feed their children. Yet she forgives her parents. It's just a great, uplifting story..and sometimes laugh-out-loud funny for any of us who grew up with insane parents. Even if you can't relate to it's, it's just a damn good story.