My reaction to Mr. Rum's "new" physique

[IDrinkaRum]

Background:

For those who don't know (or who do and I'm refreshing your memories), Mr. Rum at one point, almost 2 years ago now, weighed in at 476 pounds. Yes, you read that right. 476 pounds. Except for one year in high school (I think it was his sophomore year), where he weighed 178 pounds, he's always been morbidly obese.

His family was always after him to lose weight. Every time they saw him, they'd bring up weight loss surgery. The last straw for me was when BiL#1 told him about the article he had read recently and it reminded him to talk to Mr. Rum about weight loss surgery. I read that same article. It was about how many people die each year from weight loss surgery. Yeah, that's a good reason to keep pushing it on your brother.

Mr. Rum went through all the motions of getting weight loss surgery, but after the paperwork was handed to the doctor's office, we never heard from them, and Mr. Rum didn't want to call the office as he realized (after he did his own research) that he'd have to do an complete "life style change". He decided to try it on his own.

Since November 2009, he's lost 204 pounds. (As of this afternoon, he was 272 pounds).

/Background

When I met, fell in love with, and married Mr. Rum he was heavy. Not 476 pounds heavy, but he was between 350-400 pounds.

With him losing all his weight, he ... looks different. Yes, I know he's supposed to look different, but ...

Well, I don't think I'm attracted to him anymore. I've noticed myself checking out heavier guys (guys who are built like he used to be).

Is this normal? He's stretched his skin out so much, it's just laying around him. Eventually, he's going to have to make an appointment with a plastic surgeon to remove the excess skin.

It's not just the stretched out skin. I think I prefer heavier men.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very proud of Mr. Rum for losing all the weight. Just by his changing his eating habits & gym habits. Actually, BiL#1 who was the one who kept telling him he had to lose weight, is jealous of Mr. Rum. (Last month, it was revealed Mr. Rum was in a size 2XL - as compared to his old size of 6XL - and BiL#1 had serious CBF and said the "only reason" he can't wear a 2XL and had to wear a 3XL was because his shoulders were "too broad". ).

But as I said before, I'm unsure if I like the new him. The new look of him.

[Plaidman]

Wow. Akward.

He's nearly half the weight of when you fell in love with him, so that doesn't help.

He still the same person. You been married for how many years? You going to throw that away simply because he looks different? What would you have done if say, his face was burned off by acid, or he was in a car accident and left without an arm or leg?

I can't help you. It is new though.

Look at it this way, it's almost like your dating a different man, at least appearencewise. You might be just uncomfortable because it feels like a different man, despite it being just his looks. While I won't suggest distanting yourself, I do suggest giving yourself time to get use to it, so that you see it is the same man, just in a different skin.

If on the other hand, you just prefer the big ole boy, talk to him about that. There have been plenty of obese people that live a long time. He's your husband. You two are suppose to talk about stuff like this when it comes up, least you both grow distant and out of love completely.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Rum, I'm gonna be frank and I hope I don't offend.

The picture you have painted for us of this man is one that suggests he's not much of a husband or father. Most of your complaints about him are that he's apathetic and non-supportive. Be honest with yourself here: Are you sure this is not an excuse for you to distance yourself from marriage to a man who hasn't been much of a husband to you for quite some time?

I for one would not blame you for "not being attracted to him anymore." But in all honesty, if it were me in your shoes, my attraction to him would have waned a long time ago and the weight would have had nothing to do with that. Are you sure this is simply you seizing on this as permission to distance yourself?

I'm not judging you, please understand.

Coming back from nearly five hundred pounds, frankly he's lucky to be alive. If he hadn't lost the weight, his life would be in peril now.

Also, and this actually happens to a lot of people, do you feel a little threatened by the fact that others might now deem him more attractive? Is not some part of you maybe worried he might leave you? I'm not saying he will at all, but I'm saying what a lot of people, men and women, start to believe on some level when a spouse drops that much weight.

[smileyeagle1021]

The one thing that I'd point out, as someone who has weight related health problems beginning to form and having grown up watching my grandma's body destroy itself because of her weight, weight loss is the most important thing that someone can strive for (not to be thin, but to be healthy weight). If you truly love him, then physical attraction can be put aside for the knowledge that you now are less likely to watch him suffer from diabetes and kidney failure and heart failure, all are extremely slow and painful ways to die (unless you are lucky enough to die during your first heart attack... and yes, that is lucky compared to surviving one).
I really hope I'm not coming off as preachy, but having seen that happen to my grandma, I never want to watch anyone else have to watch a loved one go through that.

[IDrinkaRum]

No Smiley, you're not being preachy. And in the back of my mind, I completely understand that. My maternal grandma died of congested heart failure. When they did the ultrasound of her heart, they realized she had had several "small" heart attacks. My maternal grandpa had 2 heart attacks (one because his heart was weakened due to rheumatic fever as a child, the second because when they did heart surgery they did Option A. If they had done Option B, the second heart attack wouldn't have happened).

RK - I think you've hit it a little bit. Let me tell you about something that happened yesterday:

Mr. Rum was home sick. The Power Wash guy showed up at 8 AM to start powerwashing the deck. Child Rum hadn't yet gotten on the school bus (it arrives anywhere between 8:25 and 8:35). The power wash guy asked us to remove small stuff (like the deck chairs, planters - they were empty, and the trash cans - it was trash day anyway). So I asked Mr. Rum to help me. He started on the easy deck stuff (he had just gotten off the phone with work, and even though I had told him to go back to bed, he "wasn't tired"). The power wash guys were going just to move the grill & the table from first one side and then the other while powerwashing.

Anyway, we have 2 cats. Kyra (girl) is very skittish and won't go near the open door even if it's been wide open for 24 hours. Darwin (boy) is move "adventurous". So, Mr. Rum has the sliding glass door open on the deck, I'm helping him with the trash cans, taking them out, I'm still keeping tabs on Child Rum, her backpack, getting her a snack and her lunch money, keeping an eye on the front window to make sure we don't miss the bus, etc., etc.

So, after everything is said and done, I sit down to relax. That's when I realize Darwin isn't where I saw him last. I started to call him. I jiggled the treat bag. (He always comes for treats). I can't find him. I look for him in all his usual places. He's nowhere to be found. I start to panic. The power washer guys hadn't seen him out on the deck. Mr. Rum can't find him. We spend at least 30-45 minutes of Mr. Rum searching the neighborhood, and me being a hysterical mess. (Yes, my cats are part of the family, they're my babies). I get on the phone, hysterical to my mom. I'm crying, having a breakdown on the phone to my mom over my cat.

Mr. Rum is mad. He's shouting, I'm shouting and crying, and my mom's like, "Mr. Rum is searching. So that's good, right?"

Then he says something, I say that's not true, and my mom asks what he said. And she's shocked by what she hears because Mr. Rum repeats himself: "Rummy, it's your fault because you weren't watching me and the door and the cat."

Mr. Rum let get the cats 9 years ago, but he's not really a cat person. I am. But my mother was pissed because why do I have to stand at the sliding glass door, watching Mr. Rum shuttle things into the house? He's a big boy. He can do that, and he knows not to keep the doors all the way open. But it's my fault when things go wrong. Always my fault.

This is just an example of how it is in the house. With Mr. Rum. He doesn't stand up for me to his family (though he is sloooooooooowly starting to, especially to his mom). So BiL#1 and his family & BiL#2 and his wife don't really respect me. (I mean, when we were leaving the IL's house on May 14, BiL#1 came over to "hug" me, instead he leaned against me and farted on me. Yes, you read that right - a 37 y.o. "man" was so childish he farted on a person, who just happened to be me - and Mr. Rum wonders why I hate spending time with his family?)

So this is what I have to deal with. I can't leave. We have Child Rum. He's threatened to take Child Rum away from me due to my issues to depression (and my cycles of depression, "good times", and angry cycle). So for right now, I"m stuck.

And I really wrestled with posting this as I didn't know how people would view me. I'm not shallow. I'm really not. But combining his attitude with me, and this completely new change in his physique, I'm just ... confused, I suppose is the best way to describe it. His face has changed. His body has changed. His attitude towards other obese people have changed. (He watches Biggest Loser, Heavy, Too Fat for 15, Extreme Makeover: Weight - or whatever that one is called it's with Chris Powell, personal trainer - and he's just pissed off that these people who get personal trainers, go to a fat camp, and get all this help don't lose as much as they're supposed to or they whine about it. He did it by himself gosh darn it!)

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get it off my chest.

And for the record, the sound of the powerwashing equipment had scared Darwin and he was hiding under the couch. He had come out momentarily, I saw him, I opened the door, called Mr. Rum home, and as Mr. Rum was walking up the front steps, Darwin, stretched his neck, looked out the window and crawled back under the couch again. Whew.

[Giggle Goose]

Then he says something, I say that's not true, and my mom asks what he said. And she's shocked by what she hears because Mr. Rum repeats himself: "Rummy, it's your fault because you weren't watching me and the door and the cat."

Maybe because you were watching the KID and making sure she gets to school safe? How many places can you be expected to be in at once?

So this is what I have to deal with. I can't leave. We have Child Rum. He's threatened to take Child Rum away from me due to my issues to depression (and my cycles of depression, "good times", and angry cycle). So for right now, I"m stuck.

He's threatening to take Child Rum away from YOU when he said that HE needed to be watched? (see quote above)

His attitude towards other obese people have changed. (He watches Biggest Loser, Heavy, Too Fat for 15, Extreme Makeover: Weight - or whatever that one is called it's with Chris Powell, personal trainer - and he's just pissed off that these people who get personal trainers, go to a fat camp, and get all this help don't lose as much as they're supposed to or they whine about it. He did it by himself gosh darn it!)

I'm not really sure what to make of your reaction to his new physique. I think RK made a few good points to ponder. As for HIS attitude, however, I can definitely see why you're annoyed. He is amazing, and frankly quite inspirational, to have lost all that weight on his own, without any surgery and realizing that he had to make a change in his life. But I'm pretty concerned about this holier-than-thou attitude. Many people are overweight because they are not mentally ready to make a lifestyle change or to be at a thinner weight. Who is he to judge?!! I have a linky right here that gives some food for thought.

I interpreted this to mean that people who want to keep weight off need to change their attitudes towards everything or else they're a lot more likely to slip back into their old habits. Mr. Rum should be making positive changes in his life and being a better husband and father, and he should realize that it's not smooth sailing just because he's lost weight. Perhaps (and this is theoretical, I'm not trying to judge) he became overweight in the first place because he ate to cope with problems in his life, as I often do. He might get frustrated when he finds out that his same problems are still there even though he is now a thinner person. If you're an emotional eater, frustration with your life almost undoubtedly leads to a viscous cycle of emotional eating, unless you work on the problem itself.

Sorry for the soapbox. I just wanted to point out that maybe Mr. Rum needs the attitude change, not you. And I am also happy that Darwin is safe and sound!!!

[Ladeeda]

Rum, you could just be attracted to heavy men. A "chub chaser", in slang terms.

Nothing wrong with that.

[IDrinkaRum]

Thanks Ladeeda.

GiggleGoose - I'm an emotional eater. I'm not sure Mr. Rum is though. He was always heavy, even as a child. Plus, he looks just like his Uncle B who is a very heavyset (okay, morbidly obese) man. That size just runs in MiL's side of the family. BiL#1 and BiL#2(to an extent) both look like FiL in both looks & body size.

I'm going to have to just think hard about this. Not sure if it's a make or break, but it's hard. He still says that he finds me attractive, but I don't believe him. He was excited that he had lost another pound (he's down to 271) and well, he's now 8 pounds lighter than me.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Okay, again, not trying to be offensive. But think about this...are you sure it's not in part that you don't want be the heavier person in the relationship? Sometimes people like it when their spouse is way more overweight than they are, because it means that they're still smaller than the spouse. And it also means they can feel obligated to not make a lifestyle change themselves. It gives them an "excuse" to not lose weight, and they need an excuse because on some level they feel like getting healthier is something they need to do themselves.

I'm not making any kind of judgement on how much you weight, how much he weighs, or what anyone "should" be doing. Only you can decide that. I'm pointing out how people think deep down inside themselves where those tiny little voices start eating away at you.

I have an entire Greek Chorus of nasty little voices of my own, and I've spent more than one night alone with them and my own insecurities.

This looks really bad typed out. I'm sorry about that, I don't mean to sound this way. But if you consider all the possibilities that are going on here, you're more likely to understand what's going on.

EDIT: It just occurred to me. Rum, I may be talking out of my ass here, but it's not that you don't "find him attractive." It's that you're afraid he doesn't find YOU attractive attractive anymore.

The guy is a bad husband and a lousy father. And you have a ton of resentment built up over his treatment of you, and how his shitty family treats you. And you should. But one thing about him that's good is that he finds you attractive and he does not judge you. Now, he's watching all these shows with big folks on them and he's judging them. So you think it's only a matter of time before he starts judging you. And after putting up with all his shit, the last thing you're going to tolerate is him judging you.

And the LAST last thing you're going to tolerate is this lazy, emotionally unavailable slob leaving you after all the shit you put up with from him. So you're giving yourself permission to beat him to it.

And the last thing I'd ever do it blame you for it. I'm not sure I could have put up with what you've put up with.

[blas87]

Rum, all I have to say, is I've known you on these boards for quite a while, and I think you're a great person, and you shouldn't feel guilty in any way for feeling the way you do, any time you post regarding Mr Rum or Kid Rum. You're a great mother, a great wife, and a genuine and kind woman. You have every right to feel the way you do in every situation you post. I've never felt you were in any type of wrong or bad way of thinking.

[Greenday]

After reading your posts for so long now, I think how he looks is the least of your worries. He doesn't seem to treat you nearly as well as you deserve.

[IDrinkaRum]

Once upon a time, Mr. Rum treated me well. Then he "caught" me and I don't think he realizes he needs to treat me a little better to keep me staying. Though for right now, his threat of taking Child Rum and having his mother watch her while he worked, has been enough of a deterrent to keep me here.

I've been thinking about this. And there is one thing that keeps sticking in my brain.

My MiL, right around the time Mr. Rum & I were about to be married, or had just gotten married, she told me that if he ever lost weight, I'd have to watch out because there'd be women coming out of the woodwork and of course he wouldn't know what to do.

*le sigh*

I'm afraid he will leave me. Especially since I'm not actively trying to lose weight. And I know I have to lose weight. (Hypertension, pre-diabetic, back problems that have crept up again now that I've regained the weight I lost).

And my depression isn't helping anything.

I just don't know what to do.

BUT ... I do know that if he had been this weight when I first met him, I probably wouldn't have given him the time of day.

[Ladeeda]

If ChildRum is all that's keeping you there, try to talk to a lawyer and see what the chances are of him making good on the threat. He may just be talking out his ass. It's unfair, but courts usually favor the mother, so you'd have a bit of an edge.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Especially since you're doing the raising of her, and he couldn't seem to be bothered.

[IDrinkaRum]

Right now, if I left, I'd have no where to go except live in my car, and that wouldn't be a good thing in the eyes of the court in trying to keep Child Rum with me.

I have no job.

My family tells me that because Mr. Rum doesn't physically abuse me and lets me do my 'own thing', I really don't have anything to complain about. "Falling out of love" with someone is not a reason to divorce them.

So right now, unless I write my Great American Novel, I have no way of getting out.

I'm going to start working on me at the moment. Not sure what that is going to entail, but it'll be fun to find out.