Being Trash-Talked

[aurelemsrealm]

I've read bits and pieces, so I may be out of place commenting. What I have read, though, tells me you made a wise decision to separate yourself from him. If I may also add, this would be a good time to rid yourself of these so-called "friends" who come with his baggage.

I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. That's a decision you must make for yourself. However, based on what I've read of your postings, I'd have lost my patience with their nonsense and cut my ties with the entire group long ago. I don't have much tolerance for drama like it sounds like they've put you through, and I've kicked people out of my life for less. My perspective on life is that I don't have time, energy, or patience for nonsense. Life is just too short to deal with the dramas of those who don't want to take responsibility for themselves. So, I don't blame you for making the decision you made.

The only other advice I could offer is to keep moving forward with your life. Learn what you can from the past, and then put it behind you.

[ExRetailDrone]

Blas, good for you for dropping him like the rotten potato he has shown himself to be! I know that it's tough to break off from a part of your life that you've put so much time and energy into - years ago I finally ended things with my ex-boyfriend after 5.5 years, so I can empathize. It might be rough at first, especially with the shit his friends are also putting you through, but you'll look back on this time and be glad that you made the decision you did.

Keep your head held high and know that you are so much better than him and you deserve so much better!

[wolfie]

and now more recently, his FELONY DUI charge, of which he is still free on bond with. I walked away because I was NOT ABOUT to be with someone with an ankle bracelet (if that's what he gets) or in a several month jail stint. In fact, I never want to consider ANYONE with a criminal record of any kind again after what I went through with this guy.

One thing you left out - ignition interlock devices. While this would only apply if you were living with him (i.e. vehicles belonging to members of the offender's household), I would not tolerate having to spend money to get MY car modified because of someone else's crime. Not to mention the fact that some people are unable to do the "hum the right note while blowing" bit. If it's the offender, tough shit. If it's someone else in the household, then THEY are effectively banned from driving for the duration of the offender's "must have an ignition interlock device" sentence.

[Boozy]

"If you can't handle me at my worst..." = "I treat my loved ones like shit and expect them to deal with it."

[blas87]

Thank you all again for you kind words, as I said before I really didn't intend for this to be an ego boosting session, but I will admit that it feels really good to read all of this support and love.

I will have to disappoint you all a bit and save some details for later, as I am really strapped for time and won't be back again until tomorrow. I know I said I wouldn't, but it may be pertinent to give some details. Anyway, I will be back tomorrow and will be able to elaborate more for those who aren't as up to date with all the stories of this clown.

Thanks again ya'll.

[telecom_goddess]

We all heart you Blas

You're a beautiful girl and will find someone good....and find better friends who are more mature I'm sure.

[BlaqueKatt]

one girl in particular wrote that it's sad that people walk away just because of a "rough patch" but that it's alright because he'd find someone who would support him no matter what.

being supportive =/= doormat

What gives them the right to judge YOUR actions?

You were supportive, more supportive than I'm betting ANY of them were. How many of them came to the hospital to visit or even call? How many of them helped him while he was in pain and struggling to do simple tasks? How many of them will "be there for him" when he CAN'T drink and party? How many of them tried to prevent this BEFORE it happened? How many of them ENCOURAGED this behaviour?

You DID support him, while his "friends" were trying to drag him down(so they wouldn't feel like crap alone-I'm guessing), you kept trying to pull him out of it, and kept trying until it got to the point that instead of just support you were quite possibly propping him up, preventing him from falling flat on his behind much earlier than he did.

Problem is, since coming close to death wasn't a massive wake up call that it should have been*, he now knows you were right(quite possibly will never admit it, even to himself), and the easiest way to cope with that is to blame you, because changing himself is hard. Admitting he was not treating you well, and being quite frankly, a total ass at times(I'm sure out of three years there were times when he most definitely wasn't, otherwise you wouldn't have stayed, you are not by any means stupid), would be a huge personal blow to the old Ego, and some people just are not strong enough to do that. As others have said, consider the source.


*two weeks ago my husband almost died from alcohol poisoning, it scared the bejeezus out of him. He has admitted I was right in my assessment of his drinking problem, and has asked me to help him with it.

[Dips]

Yeah. You did the right thing. No question.

*He* got himself nearly killed. *He* got himself arrested.

Some people would take that as a sign that they need to straighten up, accept responsibility for *their* actions and fix the problem.

He's obviously not one of those people. No reason you have to continue on the destructive path he's chosen for himself of his own free will.

I have a lot of respect for you to recognize his bullshit for what it was and act on it.

[AdminAssistant]

*two weeks ago my husband almost died from alcohol poisoning, it scared the bejeezus out of him. He has admitted I was right in my assessment of his drinking problem, and has asked me to help him with it.

Not to de-rail the thread, but outpatient rehab and meetings really made the difference for my father. Just having a weekly schedule of certain things to do and some people to talk to made all the difference in the world. I know that for a while he took a medication that would make him ill if he had any alcohol, but I don't think he does anymore. I think that his doctor also prescribed some kind of medicine that would ease his initial withdrawal symptoms. But I'm not sure what, since I wasn't exactly speaking to him a lot at the time.

I hope that your husband's able to overcome his problems.

[HotelKatz]

You did the right thing, blas.

[IDrinkaRum]

I know I'm late chiming in, but you did the right thing.

Cut those who agree with him out of your life. You don't need all that negativity drowning you.

You can definitely do much better than him!

[blas87]

I can't say it enough, thanks guys!

I have a little bit more time, but now I'm worried that I'm so over-tired that I'll make a bunch of mistakes or not know what the hell I am talking about.

Anywho.

He went on the annual drunken tube float down the river with two of my friends (they were my friends before we met). They both have already apologized to me (I don't really care that you guys hung out) and said that they don't want me to be upset. But then my one friend told me the story of what happened that day.

He still has a broken leg and crutches, but he went tube floating anyway, and got shit-faced drunk and stayed at the bar (where the float ends) until close. He also expected everyone to take care of his giant tube and take care of everything else for him just because of his leg, and my friends got really upset at how hard it is to do things with him because of his leg and how he just expects help, and doesn't say thank you or really seem appreciative. He also fell on his bad leg multiple times while drunk. He also had to be carried out of the bar by my friend's husband and his friend because ex was starting fights with people. Even on crutches. He gets drunk enough, he starts lashing out on random males. It's ALWAYS guys. He's never gotten violent or angry towards a woman, it's ALWAYS guys, and I can never pinpoint who or why, he just gets so drunk, I don't know if it's a Jersey Shore fandom thing or if it's part of being an alchy.

I'm not surprised he went back to drinking. He is on a signature bond. I hope it doesn't sound extremely immature, but I really hope that if he continues to go out drinking, he gets caught and is charged with bail jumping. Come on, if I could wish that he'd be taught a lesson and he got into a car accident, this wish can come true too, right? But that wouldn't help any, he's still probably not able to sit time in jail because of his leg and pain medications and restrictions he's on (despite the fact that he ignores them).

He actually didn't talk a lot about me, but he said that he doesn't "understand" why I left him and he's just really upset that I wouldn't stay. Of course, around friends, it was "I didn't EXPECT her to wait for me and not do anything while I'm in jail, I just wanted her to stay with me!"

Right before we broke up, he was giving me crap about wanting to go out to the bar after work one morning because it was the last day before we went through our shift change, and some of them were quitting or going to a different shift. He told me that I "better not get too drunk!" despite the fact that he does whatever he wants when he goes out. This right here is kind of what got the ball rolling on the break up, because this was the last time I was going to be told that I "better not get drunk" or "better not get drunk and act like a slut!" (which I NEVER HAVE DONE while we were together), and the fact that he was acting crazy because all of my coworkers (save for a few) are guys. He never was the type to not "let" me do things (because I wouldn't tolerate that) but he would get uneasy and almost like upset if I wanted to go out with my girlfriends, despite the fact that he would go out drinking whenever the hell he wanted with whomever he wanted and did whatever he wanted, and if I ever dared get a little drunk and he would call and realize it, he'd get attitude at me for being drunk. Even though he has spent how many years of his life drunk?!

Anyway, I am just glad to be home and having some time to relax. It's been a little worrisome for me because I am a paranoid type of person and I've been laying sort of low and last weekend I just went back to the city I work in to hang out and do stuff (save for Saturday I went back to my hometown with my brother) because I was afraid I'd see him. My friend even vouched that he is still REALLY fast on crutches, so no one can joke that he's crippled so he can't keep up. Because he CAN (no matter how much it would hurt later). It's not like I live in a small town or anything, but I've been avoiding certain places that I know he could be, because he doesn't stay at home and rest like the doctors say, he's been up and about for several weeks now. I did go to the mall and a restaurant, but I knew there was no way he'd be there. I wouldn't say I'm living in fear, but I know what he's capable of. He'd never actually hurt me, but I know for a fact he'd probably try to chase after me or get my attention or if anything else, just try to start a shouting match or cause a general scene.

[kibbles]

I'm late chiming in, but Blas you absolutely did the right thing. And I understand supporting someone, but it seems as if some of those facebook people expected you to support him at the expense of yourself. It's one thing to be supportive, but no one should be expected to sacrifice their life and safety!

Also, you are not immature for wishing he get caught bail jumping. You are a good person and from your post it seems as if you want to see him caught basically for his own good. After everything, that shows that are you are good person..not immature IMO!

[Andara Bledin]

He gets drunk enough, he starts lashing out on random males. It's ALWAYS guys. He's never gotten violent or angry towards a woman, it's ALWAYS guys, and I can never pinpoint who or why, he just gets so drunk, I don't know if it's a Jersey Shore fandom thing or if it's part of being an alchy.

The armchair analyst in me says insecurity. He knows deep down that he's an immature child, which is part of why he gets so drunk (because kids can't drinnk so he must be an adult, and he's gonna prove it until he's too drunk to move), and once the inhibitions and any sort of good judgment are out the window, he starts fighting with those he perceives as threatening his illusion of manhood.

But that wouldn't help any, he's still probably not able to sit time in jail because of his leg and pain medications and restrictions he's on (despite the fact that he ignores them).

True, but they can put a bracelet on him and keep him stuck in his home. For some, being trapped in a place that has no lock is worse than one that does. Lacking self-control will just result in more and more time being piled on for when the leg is actually healed.

He actually didn't talk a lot about me, but he said that he doesn't "understand" why I left him and he's just really upset that I wouldn't stay.

Tell him why you left. Tell him that you left because he's immature and shows no signs of ever becoming a responsible adult. Tell him that he gets drunk all the time but expects you to be there to take care of him, so he gets to have fun but you don't. Tell him that he wastes his money and never saves anything so every time there's an emergency, you would have to bail him out because you made the choice to not spend every penny just because you had it. Tell him that if it had been you that had a broken leg (don't even need to discuss how it got that way), you wouldn't be making demands that everybody accommodate your innability to move easily, and you'd say "please" when you asked for favors and "thank you" when people helped you. Tell him that you have an idea of where you want to be in five years and its not the same place you are right now, and you're making an effort to achieve that goal and as far as you can tell, he's quite happy to be making no progress or effort or even plans to better himself.

I think that covers just about everything you've complained about him of late, right?

Good luck in moving forward and escaping the gravity well of suck that seems to surround some of those people that you used to be close to.

^-.-^

[blas87]

I have no plans to talk to him, though. The night we broke up he sent me a nasty message on FB and there was a photo or two I forgot to delete and he made rude comments regarding whatever the caption of those photos said.

He hasn't made any other efforts to contact me (hope I didn't just jinx myself), and I'd rather it stayed that way.