Derogatory remarks from exes (*warning - long and rambling*)

[Peppergirl]

In particular, ones you thought you were on decent terms with.

Let me explain:

My ex-husband and I have been apart for around 7 or 8 years. We have two (now grown) kids. His relationship with the boys has been spotty at best, but I've always tried to maintain a civil relationship with him, especially since the kids have been adults.

Recently, I sent one my employees to him for a car part. This employee is also probably my best male friend. My ex husband runs the wholesale parts counter for a big local dealership. He gets really good deals, and has never minded if I've sent people to him.

So my emp shows up and Dan goes out to my friend's car with him. As they're walking my friend/emp (Steven) says: "Thanks, man. I appreciate you doing this."

Dan: "That's okay. I'm just sorry you have to work with HER."




He wasn't kidding.

Again, this is an emp who is a very close friend of mine, so he was a little taken aback, mainly because I've never really trash-talked my ex to anyone, even my own friends. But, he just wisely ignored it.

So they found what part he needed and walked back into the dealership to order it.

Steven was still trying to be pleasant and make conversation and said, "So, did you hear Danny (me and Dan's 20 year old son) is moving out?"

Dan: "Really? Well, lets just hope he cleans up after himself! I did ALL the cleaning in that house when I was married to HER. I had to clean up after EVERYONE!"

Steven:


Two things on this:

First - that's a damned, boldfaced LIE. Dan did ALL the cooking in the house and took care of the yard. That's IT. I did all the cleaning and all the laundry and the majority of the child-rearing. Granted, I never kept a spotless house, but it was never gross. The only thing Dan would do is get in the mood a couple times a year and do a deep cleaning of everything. But it certainly wasn't a regular thing.

Second: - What kind of a father does it prove him to be that he didn't even KNOW his own son was moving out?


After both attempts at pleasant conversation failed so miserably, Steven paid for his part and left. As he was telling me all of this, he actually stated that he was shocked by these comments, because he thought Dan and I were on pretty decent terms. How embarassing and uncomfortable!


Finally, I'm getting to my point. Despite myself, I was really annoyed and hurt by this. What was the freaking POINT of trashing me to someone who he KNEW was my employee and friend?

In all the years we've been separated/divorced, I have never been anything but respectful and kind to his friends and family. He has had co-workers and friends call me for travel, and I have never, EVER spoken a bad word about him to them.

I have all of his nephews and nieces listed as MY nephews/nieces on Facebook - which I guess isn't THAT big of a deal since I was their aunt (by marriage) for almost 17 years. But still, it proves the point that I have remained friendly to his family. I am FB friends with my ex mother in law, his sisters and have remained (real life) friends with his brother, who I was friends with before Dan and I got married. Hell, Dan was even on my FB page too. I was his first facebook friend!!

How does one go from THAT to THIS type of bullshit?


I thought about confronting him about this, but figured - why bother? So I maturely un-friended him from FB and blocked him from my email and text. Passive-aggressive? Hell yes - but it made me feel better...temporarily, at least.

Apparently I'm not alone, though. As I said above, his older brother and I have been friends since I was about 15 and still talk from time-to-time. I mentioned this to him and he sounded confused and surprised that Dan spoke negatively about me, but then advised me that Dan has been alienating the whole family lately and none of them are close to him anymore.

This is shocking because my ex husband has always been a HUGE mama's boy and has always been very close to his family, especially his brother. They are (were?) probably the closest brothers that I've ever known that weren't actually twins. You could have knocked me over with a feather when he (Dan's brother) told me this.

I haven't gotten further details because he's been working alot - but it really does make me curious as to what Dan's problem is.

I no longer have any romantic feelings toward him, but he is the father of my children - so I guess I'll always have a mild concern for him and his well being. This type of behavior is just so COMPLETELY atypical of him, I feel like there must be something very wrong.

Anyway - Just wanted to get that off my chest.

I'll post back if I hear anything more from his brother as to other details about Dan alienating the family. Makes for interesting posts, at least.

Thanks for listening!

[telecom_goddess]

wow...sorry to hear he's being like that. It does sound like something is up though if he never did it before. Puzzling.

Do let us know what else you find out.

[aurelemsrealm]

Just curious, is there a way to calmly, casually approach him to ask what's going on? People change from time to time, so you never know what's going on in their minds. It all depends on how worthwile it is to you to find answers. If this behavior was somewhat predictable and expected, I'd just shrug it off. If this behavior was unusual, I'd probably want to know why it was happening.

[Peppergirl]

Just curious, is there a way to calmly, casually approach him to ask what's going on? People change from time to time, so you never know what's going on in their minds. It all depends on how worthwile it is to you to find answers. If this behavior was somewhat predictable and expected, I'd just shrug it off. If this behavior was unusual, I'd probably want to know why it was happening.

There was a time in the not so distant past (prob a year or two ago) that I could have called or texted him and said 'Hey - are you bored? Meet me at such-and-such bar for a beer. My treat.' We both live walking distance and this would have done the trick.

There have been times since we've split that we've *almost* been friends - the above is an example of that. In the past year, though - we haven't talked much, so me approaching him would likely not go over well.

I'm really curious as to what other stuff his brother will tell me about the estrangement in the family.

[blas87]

I don't really have much to add except that I'm really sorry to hear this. It sucks when you hear that someone (anyone) is trash talking you.

It also makes for some real eyerolling when they exaggerate or flat out lie.

[Peppergirl]

I don't really have much to add except that I'm really sorry to hear this. It sucks when you hear that someone (anyone) is trash talking you.

It also makes for some real eyerolling when they exaggerate or flat out lie.

Agreed.

I think alot of it is that I was embarassed because of my employee/friend.

[Plaidman]

Hm.

Alienation of family, despite being a mama's boy.

Verbal abuse towards another that has never had prior occorence.


My guess is something else is up. Not to go on the deep scary worst case example, but people who have had terminal or suicidal tendencies tend to go more aggressive an mean spirited before they die towards their loved ones, a self described mental defense that if they hurt them horribly, they won't be as mad or hurt when they die. A wierd way of protecting them from harm.

Don't know about his current love life, but he may be seeing an abusive women, which can play mind tricks on abused people.


I know he's low on the priority list, but since your friends with his brother, maybe express concern to him to find out what's up his butt.

[blas87]

If it's any consolation, Pepper, I've been getting trash talked quite a bit myself lately by not only my manchild alchy ex, but also people I thought were my friends. I understand there's a very different situation and circumstances, but it nevertheless really stings. I think even people who aren't very worried about other people's opinions get thrown for a loop when they hear someone talking trash and lies about them.

And you're quite right, it's embarrassing.

[MadMike]

I know just how you feel. Most people know the story of my disastrous relationship with my, who I had my son with. We tried to stay on good terms at first, and I tried so hard not to talk bad about her. It wasn't easy, considering all she had put me thru, and the resentment I was feeling. And at first, I thought we were getting along OK, although I wasn't happy about how she wasn't bothering with our son most of the time. She'd say she was coming to see him, and then show up hours late or not at all. But when she did want to see him, I tried to accomodate her. The only times I wouldn't was when she decided to show up out of the blue just as we were on our way to something I had already planned. We got into a few minor arguments over it, but they blew over quickly, or so I thought.

Then one day, I ran into one of her old friends at a store, and she asked me how I was going, how my son was doing, etc. Then she told me, "She says you never let her see him." Well, that pissed me off. I explained that she doesn't bother with him most of the time, and the only time I ever told her no was when she just showed up when we already had plans, as I mentioned above.

Well, apparently it got back to her, because next thing I know, she's calling me up and cussing me out for "talking shit about her." How ironic. I told her she was the one talking shit about me, and that all I was doing was setting the record straight. Of course, she tried to backpeddle into "I never said that. The person you talked to misunderstood what I was trying to say." Yeah, whatever. She was a liar when we were together, and that certainly didn't change once we split up.

She hasn't tried to call the house in awhile, and I'm pretty sure she's forgotten my cell and work numbers. She used to call me up and work and get me so frustrated that I wasn't able to do much of anything. Put me in a mood for an entire weekend the one time.

Damn, I think I put myself in a mood just by typing all this. Think I'll take a walk with the iPod and crank up some Slayer or something equally loud and violent.

[Giggle Goose]

Dang. I wondered what the hell crawled up his ass? Why would he be bringing up shit from YEARS ago right now?

Sorry that he had to be such a jerk and make an awkward situation with your friend!