Weddings and Society

[AdminAssistant]

If you have a friend who's willing to do that for free, that's great. But we don't. There is a family friend that I could call on for the rehearsal and ceremony, mostly corralling relatives and telling the photographer where to go. But I live in a different state, and I can't afford what wedding planners charge. At any rate, the location I mentioned in that post is also out of our budget. Everything I want is out of our budget, it seems.

[tropicsgoddess]

I've been doing research on paring down costs in the most practical ways with weddings. SO pretty much has his suit, as for me I'm going for a simple white floor length (or possibly a sweep train) gown with a elbow length veil from Wilton and an inexpensive and decent looking bridal tiara along with white shoes from Payless (they have nice inexpensive bridal/bridal party shoes and the dyeables)or anywhere that's inexpensive and that I can use again for the shoes and dress. I've found tons of vendors that I can order cute favors and even wedding rings for cheaper than the stores and I have MIL to help me with the floral and picking a good venue for the wedding and my aunt for my hair. Aside from that we both agreed on a simple butter cream cake since fondant is sickly sweet and more expensive. Since I have quite a bit of family spread out and I know that not everyone can make it due to financial and/or health reasons and such, I've looked into services that can film my wedding live for them to see and still feel that they're a part of it. I even told SO that I'd rather shell out more $$ for rings than a dress since I see that the rings are a lifetime symbol of our love and commitment to one another. It's a while before SO and I walk down the aisle, but it's worth it to research.

[Elspeth]

I don't understand the big weddings either. We did every thing we could ourselves. But to each their own.

Though I don't recommend getting married 2 days after you graduate from college. By the time the wedding rolled around i didn't care what happened all I knew is our butts would be Vegas the next day and we could just take care of it there.

[anakhouri]

We spent around $10,000 on our wedding. Several people mentioned later that it was the most fun wedding they'd ever been to. We paid half of it, the parents came up with the other half.

I figure: you earned the money, buy whatever you want, whether its a car or a wedding. Or, your parents earned it, they want to give it to you, so buy whatever you want.

And I have tons of pictures, videos, and memories (including of some people who are now deceased) to show for it.

PS- beer and wine were free, mixed drinks were a cash bar. Our families drink...to excess...at all family events, and no way could we pay for fancy drinks.

[the_std]

Resurrecting this thread to update my hate and frustration for this subject, and my friend who originally inspired this thread.

She had everything all planned out, with a heaping helping of ridiculous drama. For anyone with a lot of time on their hands and a masochistic demeanor, you can read all of the ridiculousness here. However, I will make a long story short and let you know that she bought every, paid all the deposits, put all the damn plans in motion and then decided she was going to postpone the mother fucking wedding. After months of watching her make terrible spending ideas (for reference, she is a student who works 16 hours a week, is over ten thousand dollars in student loan debt, and still lives with her parents, and her fiance isn't much better off), she decided that they needed time to save up more money. She had originally told me that their budget was around $10,000. This is more money than they had at their disposal, but it wasn't too extravagant for the amount of people they wanted to invite. The last I checked, their plans had brought them closer to $25,000... $25,000 is more money than she has ever made in any year of her life.

But that is only reason number one that she cancell - oops, I mean, "postponed" this wedding. Reason number two was that she had decided her wedding date was going to be December 31st of this year (2011) and, by the start of October, she still hadn't set out her wedding invites. At this point, I should mention her fiance and his entire family were from TEXAS. She was asking that they travel over almost a whole country, in one of the busiest and most expensive times of year, but didn't have the good grace to let them know in time to make plans. Well, guess what? Over half of the intended invited family had already made plans by the time she got around to letting them know when the wedding would be. So she decided to postpone to give this family time to plan for their wedding. How gracious!

I would be alright with all of this if she hadn't made us buy every single piece of wedding accoutrement in advance so that we would be prepared. HA. So I've spent over $500 on this damn wedding, $500 I don't really have at this point (I'm a poor 20-something). $500 on a wedding which I'm not actually convinced is ever going to happen, $500 I told her I couldn't really afford and she said "if you buy it, I'll pay you back" and then never did.... Even if this wedding does happen, she's got it tentatively scheduled for December, and with a health condition I have my weight fluctuates and I can't plan too far ahead for this kind of thing. So I've spend $300 on a dress I might not actually FIT IN even if this damned wedding does happen.

This is why I hate the wedding culture of North America. She demanded I spend all of this money to fit into her idea of the perfect wedding. She spent me into debt, never mind all the money she has lost by cance- er, sorry, I mean "postponing" her wedding. Just to fit the idea of what society says a wedding "has to be".

Rrrrrrgh.

[AdminAssistant]

Not to be a pain, but technically she didn't make you spend $500, you voluntarily took on that cost when you agreed to be a bridesmaid. There's nothing wrong with saying, "If you ask me to spend $500 on your wedding, then I can't participate." Fiance and I have been going back and forth on whether or not we should pay hotel costs for our out-of-town wedding party members. I don't want to, but he does. My theory is that we're being very respectful of their budgets by going with department store dresses (I'll pick them out whenever the spring stuff comes out) and button-ups with matching ties. I'll probably even give the ties as gifts. I don't think one night in a hotel room is too much to ask, especially since all but two either live in that town or have family there. Hell, my aunt has a spare room if it comes down to that.

Since we've revived the thread, an update: Dress is bought. It cost $800 and I expect another $200 in alterations. I'm having the train cut off and, if there's enough material, having it made into a bolero/jacket-y thing. It's a big, ivory poofy dress but I actually have a waist and it was surprisingly comfortable. A dear family friend has stepped up to help me with planning and has apparently already made a basic veil. We've got the venue - a meeting room in a hotel. It's small, but should be just big enough. A lot of plans are falling into place rather nicely. Next item on the agenda? Trimming/finalizing the guest list, getting addresses, and sending out the invites.

ETA:I just read the post on CS and I understand the situation a little better now. That really sucks, std. The girl sounds like she has all the maturity of a spoiled 15 year old.

[bainsidhe]

Well STD, now you know. Next time someone asks you to be in a wedding, politely decline.

I like the idea of weddings, but there's plenty of tackiness to go around. The first wedding I attended was that of a good friend. At the time, I was living mostly paycheck to paycheck. Going out to eat with the bride-to-be during errands, getting shower and wedding gifts, etc were a burden to my budget. As a wedding gift, I gave what I thought was a nice picture frame. After the wedding, my friend was writing thank you cards and I overheard her commenting about a relative. The bride wasn't close to them, she hadn't seen them in over a decade, they didn't attend the wedding, and she was shocked they "only" sent a card with twenty bucks, they should send more than that for family. Well my gift only cost around 20 bucks, it was what I could afford. So I apologized for my pathetic little gift. Bride told me not to worry about it, she knew I didn't make much. Gee thanks.

[the_std]

Not to be a pain, but technically she didn't make you spend $500, you voluntarily took on that cost when you agreed to be a bridesmaid.

$500 I told her I couldn't really afford and she said "if you buy it, I'll pay you back" and then never did....

I'm sorry Admin, but she told me to expect back at least a portion of what I paid, but then, when I started showing her receipts, she said, "I'm not going to give you any money, our budget has grown too much. I have no extra money".

So when she initially told me she would be paying me back, then reneged on it, then yes, I would say that means she forced me to spend at least some of that $500, cause I expected to get it back.

[Rapscallion]

What is it about weddings that turn it into a competition to show who can spend the most?

What does amuse me is the usual way it's viewed between the genders. For women, it's usually, "Our wedding," but for men it was, "The wedding." The difference in approach is very interesting. The average bloke tends to think of it as something that happened, whereas most women who got married tend to go down the route of it having been an essential.

I fully expect people to try and prove me wrong via their experiences. I'm just relaying mine.

Rapscallion

[siead_lietrathua]

i admit we had a huge wedding, at least compared to what we wanted. but first born son on his side, only daughter on mine, and first wedding of either kid of our parents, so we had the big shebang because they wanted it and were footing the bill. i think it ended up being around $8000 by the end. but we had a theme wedding, so even with budgeting it low, some of the things just ended up costing more.

also, not all of us can buy a dress off the rack. being plus-size, i ended up having to order a dress from a catologue and having it altered to fit. so with the alterations it ended up being close to $1000 (but altering a steel-boned corset aint cheap lol) so that was an unfortunate big part of the budget

and raps, i know my husband enjoyed ours anyway. he didnt have to help plan beyond having final say on things, and he got to spend the day playing with swords and drunken headbanging all night. but we is weird.

[Rapscallion]

and raps, i know my husband enjoyed ours anyway. he didnt have to help plan beyond having final say on things, and he got to spend the day playing with swords and drunken headbanging all night. but we is weird.

Starting to see the attraction...

Rapscallion

[AdminAssistant]

Fiance has actually been rather particular about some of the details. Some guys care more than others, just as some girls care more than others.

[siead_lietrathua]

Starting to see the attraction...

Rapscallion

hahaha.

thats one thing i have found alot, maybe less in our family, but i note alot in my coworkers and whatnot, that the women tends to do this elabourate planning and the dude is just expected to show up and do as he's told. it seems a little buggered up to me, like the groom doesnt matter, you can just take any random dude and stick him up there and it would go the same. so i can perfectly understand why guys are a bit jaded to the big wedding idea.
it also explains why most coworkers with these "plug-in" massive wedding plans, happen to still be single... just saying.

[tropicsgoddess]

I'll admit I was gunning for a big wedding but only to have those I loved and care for witness and be a part of a big milestone in both mine and FH's life. The poofy dresses are whatever. I don't wanna wear some big poofy Marie Antoinette-esque dress that requires people to assist me if I wanna go to the bathroom. After much thought and discussions, I'm more on having a small intimate wedding instead. Sure I have a large family and all but the expense of having so many people there, the politics of who you invite or don't invite is ridiculous. At least with a small and intimate wedding those closest to us are there to share that moment ...and FH and I would have more money to burn on our honeymoon than all the trappings.

[Iseeyouthere]

My uncle is getting married in Feb next year.

The Wedding itself is going to be a small, family-only marriage at the beach.
The main part of the planning is going into the after-party. There will be no courses, speeches, formal dress, go here, go there.
Its going to be food, drinks and games.

Trouble is... he doesn't know where to begin. He needs to rent out a speacil house for the event and then it all goes from there.
My uncle is nuts... But its just one of those times.