Weddings and Society

[the_std]

Now, before I go any further with this, I would like to point out that everything I'm about to say is aimed at the wider societal constructs of the subject, rather than any individuals. I hold no ill will towards anyone who chooses to abide by these "traditions", that is their choice.

What I hate is what society has defined as the wedding. The big, white, expensive dress, the large guest list, the full meal, the dance, the booze, all of the trimmings. My main example of this is the dress. Wedding dresses are huge and tremendously expensive, usually to give the princess experience, to make a dramatic entrance and statement. So help you if you don't abide by this standard, because, if you don't, it's not a wedding dress. I think that the necessity to look like a bride is shallow. And don't get me started on the "if you're against the big white wedding, you have to wear something that looks nothing like a wedding dress" wedding culture. It's just as bad, but on the other side of the coin. There are just as many standards for the off-colour, alternative wedding culture as there are for the Wedding Industry culture. If it truly is your day, you can wear anything and you will look like a bride!

According to a few sources, the average cost of a wedding in the USA is between $20,000 and $30,000. That number boggles my mind. Personally, I believe that all that money is spent on constructing a perfect day, a perfect look, a perfect everything because, if the beginning of the marriage is perfect, then obviously the whole of it will be perfect. Personally, my wedding will be me and my husband in an office, with a friend or two for witnesses, and then a party with friends and family at some time afterwards. No expensive dress, no expensive venue, no limos, because those things will not make me love him any more. That is money that could be better spent on a house, or a dream vacation, or a car...

Now, at this point, let me repeat that I hold no ill will towards those who decide to go the "traditional" route. My problem is against the industry that has decided that all of these expensive constructs are necessary for a successful wedding, and forcing a society to adhere to those ideas no matter the cost to them in exchange for social normality. Today, I was talking to a friend about her wedding (in which I am the maid of honour) and I asked her why she'd decided to spend over a THOUSAND DOLLARS on a wedding dress. Her answer? "I'm not sure... To feel like a bride?" This answer confuses me. If you're getting married... You'll be a bride, no matter what.

I guess I must point out that I fold no special place in my heart for the big white wedding. I never dreamed of it as a little girl, and my family is very, very small, and share my feelings about weddings. Hell, my father is encouraging me to elope by offering to pay for the trip. Every wedding I've ever been involved in has been full of unnecessary drama, exorbitant cost and unrealistic expectations. Every wedding I participate in makes me more and more resolved to never subject myself, my family or my friends to those things either. That definitely colours my perception of the whole idea. But it doesn't make my questioning of the whole industry and construct any less valid.

[Andara Bledin]

Tthe wedding dress as we know it is a Victorian class conceit. That fancy white dress is all about showing off how much money you could throw away on what is, at it's heart, a frippery. My wedding dress was $60 from a vintage clothing shop. It wasn't white, it wasn't satin, it didn't have a single bit of applique or stitching on it, and it looked awesome.

The fun part is that as far as tradition goes, all of the "traditional" trappings western society takes for granted are really rather modern.

^-.-^

[blas87]

What I really hate are some traditions that richer/more well off people started doing that poured down and became a "tradition" amongst everyone, like mega expensive items on a bridal registry and $100 plates of food at the reception. Until my last bf's sister's wedding, I had NEVER heard of demanding that your guests pay $100 to eat at your wedding reception!

[Boozy]

My husband and I had a "traditional" wedding (ceremony, flowers, white dress, sit-down reception etc), and we managed to do it for less than $15,000.

The bulk of the cost was wining and dining the guests. About $10,000 is a reasonable amount to spend on any formal, catered party for 100 people.

We could have done a backyard BBQ, but that has never been my style. I'm a candlelit dinner party, wine and cheese sort of hostess.

I'm glad we did it. It would have been more practical to put the money into our investments, but what my investment portfolio does not give me a warm fuzzy whenever I think about it.

Today, I was talking to a friend about her wedding (in which I am the maid of honour) and I asked her why she'd decided to spend over a THOUSAND DOLLARS on a wedding dress. Her answer? "I'm not sure... To feel like a bride?" This answer confuses me. If you're getting married... You'll be a bride, no matter what.

I agree with what you're saying, but $1000 is a steal for a decent formal gown. Any formal gown, not just a wedding dress. I don't think its unreasonable for your friend to want to wear a dress of quality on her wedding day.

[AdminAssistant]

And don't get me started on the "if you're against the big white wedding, you have to wear something that looks nothing like a wedding dress" wedding culture. It's just as bad, but on the other side of the coin. There are just as many standards for the off-colour, alternative wedding culture as there are for the Wedding Industry culture. If it truly is your day, you can wear anything and you will look like a bride!

*snip* Today, I was talking to a friend about her wedding (in which I am the maid of honour) and I asked her why she'd decided to spend over a THOUSAND DOLLARS on a wedding dress.

I read Off-Beat Bride, and it occasionally pisses me off because of it's strict adherence to an alternative wedding culture. That and the author's adherence to, "Everything is tacky, so nothing is!" No. A cash bar is tacky. Wearing a dress with too much cleavage or exposed underwear is tacky. Certain things ARE tacky, so deal, mkay? She even wrote a post that mocked pink nail polish.

If I had the money, I would definitely spend around $1,000 getting a dress custom made for me. I'm plus sized, and my Mom definitely wants me in something that looks like a 'wedding dress'. (We've compromised on a tea-length style). Being plus-sized means that my options are extremely limited anyway. I can't just waltz into a bridal salon and pick a dress, since most sample sizes are 8 or 10. *sigh* Sorry, the dress is making me a bit crazy and frustrated and upset, frankly.

Until my last bf's sister's wedding, I had NEVER heard of demanding that your guests pay $100 to eat at your wedding reception!

I've never heard of that either. I've heard of the couple paying that much for a reception, but you should never ask your guests to pay for their meals or drinks. See above regarding "tacky." We can't afford to have alcohol, so we're not having it. Simple as that. The one exception is the potluck reception, which a friend is doing. They aren't registering for any gifts, but they are asking all their guests to either bring a dish or come early to help decorate. I actually really like the idea, since it saves both the couple and the guests money.

my investment portfolio does not give me a warm fuzzy whenever I think about it.

I know a lot of people don't understand this, but the part that I'm so looking forward to is standing in front of my friends and family and declaring my love and commitment to Fiance. To undergo, in public, the transformation from single to married. I just wouldn't feel...married...if we did it in private with just a witness.

[blas87]

You've got that right that its tacky. I would classify trying to mock celebrity weddings as very tacky.

It's also one thing to want everyone to come to your wedding, but if you are the odd ball out who lives 1,000 miles away, and to EXPECT EVERYONE to pay to fly to come to YOUR wedding, and have the nerve to get upset that not everyone can afford a $300+ plane ticket (not to mention what will have to be spent on what to wear and eat at the wedding and hotels and whatnot!).....yah, some people getting married have no manners and consideration for others whatsoever.

[Ginger Tea]

There was a time when the father of the bride paid for everything, fuck that shit, after spending god knows how much raising a child till their 18 and THEN paying through the nose for a princess wedding ... made me decide that the couple getting married should foot the bill should I either be getting married or be the father of one half of the couple (irregiardless of gender and sexuality)

If you can afford to do it and dont mind pissing away a crap tonne of money on a dress you will only wear once, fine, if money is or has always been an issue, I won't look down on you for having a simpler affair.

Destination weddings are a no go for me, I cannot afford to go abroad these days due to stuff beyond my controll, so going to a friends wedding who decides Hawaii would be the bestest, well let's hope it doesn't marr our friendship when I tell you point blank I can not and will not be going.

[the_std]

I also have to say that I hate the idea of a "traditional" wedding, not for how much it costs the people who've decided to throw it, but how much it costs the rest of the people involved. For general guests? Travel costs and gift costs can add up quickly. But the majority of my resentment comes from being involved in the wedding party. I have been a bridesmaid in multiple weddings for my closest friends, and while I love those friends very much and want to be there for them and participate in their special day, they ask a lot of the people involved. The cost of the dress (which has been a minimum of $150), the cost of alterations (an average of $100), the cost of accessories (average $65), the cost of a shower gift and a wedding gift ($200), the cost of being involved in the bridal shower and the stagette, including contributing for decorations, buying drinks for the bride, paying for food, paying for the limo they insisted on having ($300)... Did I mention that I'm 23, living in a 200 sqft apartment and living on less than $12,000 a year? If you do the math, that is $815 per wedding, and that is me doing things as frugally as possible.

I asked if we could buy off-the-rack dresses in the same colour rather than ordering catalogue dresses, and was shut down. I asked if we could get drunk at someone's house rather than doing a restaurant, and then a bar, and the associated cost of the limo, but that's not fun enough. I asked if we bridesmaids could all chip in and buy a single present from the registry instead of everyone doing their own, but no, that would be too cheap. It doesn't help that most of the other people in the group have usually been older, more established and have more money than I do, so my requests generally come in at the bottom of priority queue. Incredibly frustrating, and while I'd love to go as extravagant and opulent as I could for my best friends, I need that money for surviving. And that gets back-seated for the drama of a "perfect day". Argh.

[Andara Bledin]

The bulk of the cost was wining and dining the guests. About $10,000 is a reasonable amount to spend on any formal, catered party for 100 people.

If I had $10,000.00 saved up, I'd use it to put a down on a house. A house that I owned would give me warm fuzzies for quite a long time, and would actually keep me warm, too.

My entire wedding ran about $800, and the majority of that was for food and the cake. We had about 30 people. It's amazing how much warm fuzzy you can get without having to break the bank to do it.

I have been a bridesmaid in multiple weddings for my closest friends, and while I love those friends very much and want to be there for them and participate in their special day, they ask a lot of the people involved.

I was a bridesmaid once. The bride had her ceremony in the Exposition Rose Garden. Our dresses ran about $80, fitted, the shoes were $20, flat and dyed to match, the shower was at a house and gifts weren't required (because we were all 2o-somethings and the bride wasn't a greedy bitch), and we were shuttled to and from by the bride's father. Plus, the items on the registry were all practical and without a typical gift budget of a 20-something.

Weddings don't have to cost that much and I find such excess and waste to be quite distasteful.

^-.-^

[ExRetailDrone]

A cash bar is tacky.

I don't agree with this. I have been to numerous wedding receptions where there was a cash bar and thought nothing of it. At my own wedding, my husband and I paid for part of the drinks, and after that it was a cash bar. Granted, our reception was only about 2 hours long, but still. I don't see what's so tacky about it

Making guests pay for their own plate of food I would consider tacky, however. Alcohol is not necessary, but inviting people to be fed at a reception and then making them pay for it is just rude.

I agree with what you're saying, but $1000 is a steal for a decent formal gown. Any formal gown, not just a wedding dress. I don't think its unreasonable for your friend to want to wear a dress of quality on her wedding day.

I think $1000 is too much, personally. My prom dress in high school was gorgeous and very classic, and it cost less than $150 I believe. And because of its classic look (floor-length, slim, black, shimmery-but-not-overly-so, spaghetti strapped) I will be able to wear it again as long as I can fit into it. I got it on a major clearance and was thrilled.

My wedding dress, after alterations, cost just under $200. It was beautiful. It didn't have a lot of frills, but that's not my style anyway. It was a bridesmaid dress that I had ordered in off-white, so just that alone saved me loads. If it had been labeled as a wedding dress, that same style would have been at least quadruple the cost easily. Which is, frankly, bullshit. It's the dress companies completely screwing people over when the quality isn't necessarily any better at all.

I'm another one who doesn't understand this whole social culture surrounding those big, expensive, extravagant weddings. I went to a wedding of a childhood friend of my husbands the week before our own wedding. It was easily one of those $25,000+ events, and it felt so cold and informal and just...yuck. Not for me at all. Plus, the food at this catering hall - that one could tell just by being there that it was very expensive - was really not all that tasty at all. It had the cafeteria taste to it almost. My wedding reception was at a local Cajun restaurant that used to be closed on the weekends and could be rented out. It was buffet-style service, but the food was absolutely wonderful and didn't taste anything like the traditional buffet food many people picture. We got so many compliments on our choice of venue and how excellent the chef and servers were to everyone. The whole reception, after a very nice tip for the workers, only cost us $1,400.

It of course depends partially on where one is located and what they have access to, but I can't see the average wedding cost being anywhere close to what actually needs to be spent for a very nice day that everyone will enjoy and remember.

[AdminAssistant]

I'm of the opinion that a bride/groom can have, and should be able to have, whatever kind of wedding that they can afford, whether that be a $100/plate ballroom affair or a simple ceremony in a garden. However, they have to have realistic expectations regarding their guests and wedding party. One of my bridesmaids isn't broke, but doesn't have a lot of money, either. One of the groomsmen is working a practically minimum wage job. We have to consider those things. And if they can't afford the tux or the dress or the trimmings, I hope that they'll come to us about it rather than harbor resentment. Communication on both sides is key. The bride should be up front about how much she expects things to cost, and the maids/groomsmen should be up front about their ability to pay.

I'll admit it; I would love to have enough money to have an extravagant wedding with a small orchestra and a full, seated, catered dinner. I'd lay down $10,000 in a heartbeat...if I had it. (If I were spending that much, I'd pay for the maid's dresses and all the tuxes as well.) If someone has that amount of money and chooses to spend it on a wonderful, once-in-a-lifetime experience, why is that distasteful? They may already have a house/car/whatever, or like us, they may be choosing to be long-time renters. Going into massive debt for a wedding or setting unrealistic expectations of your guests, however, is distasteful.

ETA: Regarding a cash bar, if you invite your guests over for dinner, do you charge them for the glass of wine that you pour them? Of course not. I don't think alcohol at these events is necessary at all. If you can't afford it, don't serve it. Don't ask your guests to pay for it.

[ExRetailDrone]

ETA: Regarding a cash bar, if you invite your guests over for dinner, do you charge them for the glass of wine that you pour them? Of course not. I don't think alcohol at these events is necessary at all. If you can't afford it, don't serve it. Don't ask your guests to pay for it.

I've heard of dinner parties where the host/ess provides the food while the guests are expected to bring the wine or what-have-you. Same idea, and I don't find either one in the least bit tacky

[Andara Bledin]

Which is, frankly, bullshit. It's the dress companies completely screwing people over when the quality isn't necessarily any better at all.

One of the great mistakes that people make is to blame the sellers for the prices at which they sell their goods. But it is the buyers who set how high the price can go. If it weren't for people willing to throw their money away for a label or a tag despite the quality or fitness being no better, the sellers would lower their prices.

And if you can afford to throw money away, that doesn't really make it better. It just becomes more the realm of silly as opposed to foolhardy.

I don't even know 100 people I'd even want at my wedding. *shrug*

^-.-^

[ExRetailDrone]

One of the great mistakes that people make is to blame the sellers for the prices at which they sell their goods. But it is the buyers who set how high the price can go. If it weren't for people willing to throw their money away for a label or a tag despite the quality or fitness being no better, the sellers would lower their prices.

And if you can afford to throw money away, that doesn't really make it better. It just becomes more the realm of silly as opposed to foolhardy.

I don't even know 100 people I'd even want at my wedding. *shrug*

^-.-^

You definitely have me there. I typed out of frustration at the subject rather than stopping to think at that sentence. I loved my $200 wedding dress and found many of the other $1000+ ones I looked at to be hideous.

And I don't know 100 people I wanted at my wedding, either. Between our two families and friends, my husband and I invited about 50 people, and around 40 attended. It was perfect for the both of us. Then again, we both have smaller families and not a ton of close friends.

[Boozy]

Weddings don't have to cost that much and I find such excess and waste to be quite distasteful.

There are quite a few things that people buy for themselves that aren't my cup of tea, but I don't think it's distasteful. People are free to spend their money on whatever they'd like and makes them happy. What's wasteful to you is important to someone else.

I don't even know 100 people I'd even want at my wedding.

Small family? Lucky.

75 out of the 100 guests at our wedding were relatives. Any wedding that didn't involve just myself, my husband, and a Justice of the Peace was going to be large. There was no getting around it. I could have invited just immediate family, but my in-laws idea of "immediate" is creative, to say the least.

As far as "expecting" guests to pay for something at the wedding, or bring a gift - tacky, tacky, tacky. I don't know how many of my guests brought gifts. I didn't care, and I didn't keep track. I just wrote the thank you notes as they came in. No one was expected to buy expensive formal wear, pay for their drinks, or bring a gift. You don't host a party and expect anything of your guests except appropriate behaviour at the event.