Idolizing of the dead

[Ree]

Not sure if this was covered already, but I really hate when someone, especially a young person, dies, and suddenly, every person you meet is devastated because they were best friends and the deceased was such a pillar of the community.

Very early yesterday morning, a young man in my town was killed in a tragic accident.
He had been at a party and was possibly hitchhiking, or walking home when he was hit and killed by a truck. It was hit and run, and there was some discussion that the driver might not even realize he had hit the kid.
I assume the boy was inebriated or high, as he was a young man known to do that kind of thing, and he had been partying.

My Facebook feed is filled with people going on about how much he will be missed, which is probably true, but seriously, this kid was an asshole!!!
The glowing tributes about how he touched so many people's lives is sickening.

Don't get me wrong. I know his parents very well, and I feel their pain. Losing a child is extremely hard.
The kid kind of wrote his own ending, though.

He was part of a "gang" at the local high school (if not one of the leaders) and he was always bullying some kid or another.
When he got tired of terrorizing kids at his own school, he headed over to the other high school to pick on kids there.

Ironically, on Friday at work, one of the guys at work was talking about this "gang" that the kid was in. He had just heard about this gang. (I had heard about them for a while from the kids in my home.)
He was disgusted at the way they talked about young girls, referring to them as "bitches" and he thought it was disgusting that they just randomly picked on kids to beat up for no real reason.

I am told this kid even brutalized and slaughtered a cat a while ago.
He put the cat in a bag and drove over it with his car.
He was a twisted little fuck with a mean and nasty side, and he does not deserve all these glowing tributes.

He touched many lives, even if it was a simple smile or a cheers over a drink. He will never be forgotten.

Yeah, he touched a lot of lives....probably while he was beating the shit out of them.
His smile was probably the last thing they saw as they cowered on the ground trying to shield themselves from the punches and kicks.

As I said, knowing his parents, I feel sympathy for their loss, but this false idolizing sickens me.

It's not the first time it happened.

On a similar note, but kind of a reverse, about 3 years ago, a few days before my husband died, another young man I know committed suicide. I worked with the boy's stepfather, and my foster child at that time was his best friend.

Life was hell for this kid.
He was bullied and picked on constantly.
My coworker and his wife were at the school all the time, trying to get something done about the bullying.

Since that boy died, his Facebook tribute page has been filled with thousands of posts with kids saying how they loved him and how wonderful he was. Every year on his birthday and the anniversary of his death, even more get added.



Where were all of these kids when that boy was being harassed and picked on? For someone who had so many friends, I have to wonder why he was being so bullied, and why he felt he had no other choice than to overdose on sleeping pills to end the pain.

It makes me angry.

[insertNameHere]

My dad loves to point out anytime a gang-banger with multiple assault and drug charges is killed in what appears to be a drug deal gone wrong because he has a bullet in his leg and one in his head, point blank. No money, in a not so nice area of town in about 3am. The media will say "He was just turning his life around after being on a dark path" if the person is a minority they really lay on the charm about how "another young black youth was cut down in his prime leaving behind several children (no wife(s))"

6-12 months ago there was a couple killed in one of the higher class areas, his parents were out of town and he was also known to have a shady side. The painted it like there were this group out to invade suburbia. Actually, one of the deputies got demoted/forced into retirement for speaking the truth that it was likely a drug deal gone wrong and not some new epidemic as evidence from the scene suggested they were looking for a large sum of money.

I mean it is unfortunate when people die a tragic death, but at the same time I agree it is sad when they paint such a wonderful picture and try and make the deceased an idol. I actually remember in college when a young fire fighter dating an acquaintance was killed responding to a call at 3am, they had same reaction of poor soul, but nowhere near the level of attention as to what it probably should have been when you look at what they do for criminals.

OH, and can we forget the guy who gunned down 4 police officers in Washington? When he ended up dieing in a shootout, some people responded like we lost a productive member of society even with his extensive criminal history.

[Crazedclerkthe2nd]

I agree with you, it's quite fascinating to see how much "don't speak ill of the dead" has been ingrained into our culture.

My journalism professor used to say he always thought it funny when, after someone would murder somebody or commit another heinous act, reporters would talk to his neighbors, who would inevitably say some variation of: "He was a quiet man."

Death has a way of elevating status, especially for famous people.

Consider Kurt Cobain, the man is practically a musical legend now. He did have talent, but I doubt his profile would be as high if he were still alive.

Also consider the wrestler Owen Hart. Owen was a good, entertaining wrestler but he was never a world champion, never really a main eventer and was never really in his lifetime considered one of the all time greats.

But after he died he was considered a special, once in a lifetime performer. Owen was a great guy, but that's a bit too high on the praise scale as far as I'm concerned.

[Greenday]

I remember a kid from high school died about a year or two after he graduated high school. All of the newspapers and everyone was talking about how he had just gotten out of rehab and he was doing so much better.

Tox screen came back and he was drunk and high when he drove a car into a building at 80 mph. Yea, he only went to rehab because he was forced into it, not because he wanted to get better. He did exactly what most people forced into rehab do. Going to rehab doesn't automatically make someone a better person.

[the_std]

I am always disgusted at how much of this goes on. It doesn't matter who the person was, the circumstances in which they died, or what they accomplished in their life. Every time a person dies, it's like any negativity they were associated with is completely washed away and all that is left is the wishy-washy happy "contributing to the world" crap that people usually end up making up about this person. Even if the person was a good person, I find that people will either drudge up old, tiny "he was so good" shit that is blown out of proportion, or they even MAKE STUFF UP. Augh. It makes me sick.

[Ladeeda]

This is why I don't comment on a person I know after they've died.

Ever.

I'll offer condolences to the family and not tear anyone down, but if I had to give a eulogy, I'd better be on the first flight out of town.

[Lachrymose]

I know exactly what you mean.

I have friends who had nothing but bad things to say about a relative before he died. Afterwards, it's all "I miss you sooooo much".

Ugggh.

[daleduke17]

Also consider the wrestler Owen Hart. Owen was a good, entertaining wrestler but he was never a world champion, never really a main eventer and was never really in his lifetime considered one of the all time greats.

A lot of Owen's success was based on his last name and where he had trained. Had Owen lived until the brand split, he would have been a World Champion.The last two years of his career he was stuck in the mid-card due to the Montreal Screwjob, as well as being lost in the shuffle behind the Rock, Austin, Foley, Undertaker and DX.

There are going to be two missing pieces to the WWE Hall of Fame IMO. Owen and the Benoit. Owen due to the circumstances of his death and subsequent lawsuits, Benoit...well, you know.

[Talon]

I've gotten this too.

A few years ago one of my relatives passed away. By all accounts, the man was a pig, an ignorant ill-mannered wife-beating asshole. But when he passed, the way my relatives were all balling their eyeballs out, you'd think he was the reincarnation of Ghandi. I was disgusted.

[blas87]

The same thing happened when my Nanna died. I understand I am talking about an old lady here and not a gangbanger kid, but the after-death "Oh what a great person!" comments were the same.

Nanna, forgive me for the harsh words, but she was a very mean, manipulative woman when she was in her right mind. She raised my mother and I believe part of the reason my mom has always had such a vile temper, short fuse, and is the way she is is because of her grandmother. Nanna never was mean to me, but she was already getting very mentally ill when I was a young kid, and she spent years suffering dimentia and Alzheimers, and when you cap that on top of a person who was always a bitter, rude person, it's really awful.

Ever since Nanna has died, barely anyone speaks ill of her, unless they are telling a story of something she once did. Mom occasionally says "Nanna was really manipulative" to begin a story, and that's as negative as she gets.

Family members tell of how horrible her house was and how bad of a hoarder she was, but that's also about as negative as it gets. Everyone acts like she was this amazing woman who had a heart of gold. She wasn't.

[bainsidhe]

I'm thankful I never disliked someone enough to be upset when they were put up on a pedestal after they died. I recall a former classmate that died in a traffic accident (I'd been in school with him since elementary). While it was sad and I felt for his friends/family/etc, I felt...indifferent. Masses of students rushed to councilling sessions, and I just shrugged it off and went to class. I just didn't know him that well and wasn't affected deeply. Yet I felt like I was expected to have these glowing memories and to cry my eyes out. People kept asking if I needed to go see the councilor and I'd just say no thank you.

[Dreamstalker]

blas, my grandmother was pretty much the same way. Hearing the tales my mom told I'm surprised she turned out as well-adjusted as she did (we can thank my grandfather for that, he was the beacon of sanity in the household for both of us). She doted on me until such time as I started developing a mind of my own, then look out. In recent years after my grandfather died, she also essentially bankrupted both of us with home-care costs (nobody expected her to live that long; we liked to say 'so mean even the devil doesn't want her').

When she died, we mourned for all of about ten minutes. Yes, she had a few good points a long time ago, but overall she was a mean, manipulative, unstable (suspected bipolar/borderline personality) woman. To hear my uncle...she was a shining beacon of light or something.

Around here a lot of (IMO deserved) gangbanger deaths will have family or friends saying "he was such a good person, turning his life around'...killing two people in a driveby and wounding ten others is 'turning your life around'?

[Glados]

This bothers me. I have not experienced it yet but I will.

I generally don't admit this to strangers because of the negative reactions that I get but I wanted to add to this thread.

I am estranged from my mother. She was abusive when I was young and then made me care for my aging grandparents and younger brother when I was 11. She continued to try and control my life well into adulthood and became vicious if I asserted any independence. When I had my first child and I realized that she was trying to treat my daughter as property I cut of contact. I won't have my daughter harmed.

My family gets on my case about how I will regret this and how I only get one mother. They insist that I will miss her and regret not having a relationship with her. I do feel badly that we don't have a relationship but I am not going to have her spewing hateful insults at me in front of my children and mistreating my children. I tried and tried to set limits but she acts as if rules don't apply to her.

I get tired of my family acting like she is this great mother while ignoring her abuse and abandonment of her children. They throw her future death in my face and try to make me feel like a horrible daughter for not accepting her as she is. They even tell me that I am going to hell for not honoring my mother and taking her abuse.

I can already see that they are going to paint her perfect after she passes. They do it now in the face of her horrible behaviors. Death is always sad but I cannot see how anyone can expect me to take her nastiness just because she will die someday.

[protege]

Around here a lot of (IMO deserved) gangbanger deaths will have family or friends saying "he was such a good person, turning his life around'...killing two people in a driveby and wounding ten others is 'turning your life around'?

We get quite a bit of that here too. They either whine about what a good person the perp was, or (more often) they're crying their eyes out about how "my baby never hurt nobody..." Yep, the asshole "never hurt nobody" but the people he roughed up while robbing them, or the child who was hit by a stray bullet, or the old man who found himself caught in the cross-fire. Real upstanding person we have here... Can't really shed any tears for them.

Closer to home, when my aunt died in 1996, people were saying what a kind person she was. Sure, she was always nice to *me,* but she was pretty nasty to everyone else. Even so, I was always reluctant to say anything...simply because I didn't know her very well.

Even closer to home, is how my dad describes his mom. To him, she's a perfect angel. To the rest of us? Not so much. Why? For most of my life, I've felt that his entire side of the family (who was already estranged from the rest of the Protege clan...because my great-grandmother was a bitch)...wanted nothing to do with their only grandchildren. They never called and rarely visited.

As such, my brothers have actually said that they *hate* their last remaining grandparent, and want nothing to do with her. Again, she thinks I'm the damn 'golden boy' because I'm the only one who can tolerate her. Yes, she's annoying at times, but she's in her 80s. I don't get over there as much as I'd like, but she's always happy to see me, and will feed me. Of course, there's usually some sort of work involved--fixing her computer, putting out the trash, rearranging the furniture on the patio, etc.

But, karma is going to be (if it isn't already) a bitch to my brothers. According to other relatives and friends...I'm the *only* grandchild that she constantly talks about. Also, when she finally passes on, my dad has said that he does *not* want them at the funeral--they didn't pay any attention to her in life, so why should they be allowed to in death?

[AdminAssistant]

My paternal grandmother never really wanted much to do with my sister or me. My sister was conceived outside of wedlock (they had a shotgun wedding before she was born). After that, Grandma didn't like my Mom and by proxy, her kids. After my maternal grandfather (also a piece of work) died on my 3rd birthday...Grandma was the only grandparent I had. By the time I graduated high school, she'd warmed up to me somewhat...I'd go over to her house once a week to clean and vacuum, take her to the store, help pay bills, whatever she needed. She helped Dad to pay for my truck and she helped him pay for my bedroom suite when I moved out. When she passed away in 2005, I found out that in her 'will' she had stipulated that I got most of the usable furniture, especially her desk, and her washer/dryer. And I appreciate all that. But I would have traded it to have a grandmother who would show an ounce of affection towards her own grandchildren. Grandma was an extremely hard worker and an exceptional woman, but she was cold, and I won't pretend otherwise.