"He's waiting for you"

[MaggieTheCat]

My mom really did it today.

I have this old friend, S (he's a guy.) We've known each other since high school and I had a crush on him for a couple of years when we were in college, but nothing ever came of it. I was too shy to ask him out and he either wasn't interested in me that way, or was too shy to ask me too. We were really good friends, though. We still are friends, but I'm now married and live in Texas and he still lives in Wisconsin, so we've grown apart a bit.

So, I was on the phone with my mom today. I told her that the hotel S works at burned down last night, while he was working, and he had to evacuate all the guests and staff. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but the hotel was destroyed.

So my mom was asking me about S, what he's been up to lately, etc. I told her I don't really know since I haven't talked to him in a while. She asked me if he had a new girlfriend (he was engaged to a girl for a while but she broke it off about 2 years ago.) I told her I wasn't sure, but that I didn't think he had a girlfriend.

"Oh, he's still waiting for you. You're his girl."

Um, EXCUSE ME? I most certainly am not! I am (very happily for 2 years) married and am not remotely interested in anyone else. Yes, I had a crush on S for a while, but I don't anymore. And I have come to realize that S and I would not have worked out anyway. He is very religious, I am not; he wants kids and a big family, I have no desire to have children; he is very close to his family and wants to stay near them, in Wisconsin, while I hate Wisconsin and have no desire to go back or ever live there again. For my mom to say that I'm HIS GIRL is very insulting to me. I told her so and she laughed and was like, "Oh, I'm just joking. But you always did like him and I know he liked you too! He's so cute, and the two of you were always so cute together!"

Fuck you, mom.

[Boozy]

It seems that she was just kidding, and the joke unfortunately fell flat.

I'm curious as to why it struck such a nerve with you. Does your mom not like your husband? Does she think your marriage won't last? Do you feel guilty about this guy "waiting" for you?

It's not clear to me what's really going on here.

[the_std]

Boozy, it seems to me that this is a continuation of an attitude that Maggie's mom has; specifically, not respecting the major life choices Maggie makes simply because she made them for herself, instead of her mom's influence reigning over all. So her mom saying that "he's waiting for you" seems to come across as "you made the wrong choice, and here's the perfect guy who has always liked you".

I hold the right to be wrong, but that is what I see in this situation.

[blas87]

I think std is right on the money. It seems in most of Mag's threads regarding family, her family was never too keen on her leaving good old Wisconsin and making a life for herself and her husband in Texas.

When family members don't agree with life choices, sometimes they rub little rude things in and make cruel jokes and whatnot.

When I first moved out and was having problems with my roommate, my mom would make rude comments about leaving home and not thinking things through before doing them, etc etc. It wasn't until she accepted why I left and learned what my roommate was up and realized it was a serious problem that she stopped and offered to help me.

[MaggieTheCat]

Yeah, the_std and blas pretty much nailed it, at least partially. My mom has never supported me making my own decisions. When I was 22, I had a boyfriend who she didn't approve of and demanded I stop seeing him. I refused and she physically assaulted me and tried to destroy my laptop. My dad had to literally drag her off of me. I'm sorry, I'm not 15, you can't tell me who I can and can't see. That's just one (rather extreme) example of how she likes to control things in her life, including her children.

She was less aggressive toward my husband because she "approved" of him. He met her standards -- had an education, a good job, was polite and well-mannered, etc. It didn't matter that I actually love him, so long as she approved of him. She still didn't approve of me moving to Texas to be with him (she wanted him to give up his rather well-paying job that he'd been at for 4+ years in San Antonio, and move to population 9,000 armpit of Wisconsin and "I'm sure he'll find something to do here"), but I went regardless.

Recently (in the last year or so) she seemed to have finally been understanding and accepting of my decisions. She's said she's proud of me, happy for me, can see that I'm very happy and that's all the matters, etc. It was good to hear those things and I thought she was finally realizing that this is MY life, not her's to control how SHE thinks is best.

For her to say something like "S is waiting for you, you're his girl" takes me right back to the times when she'd say, "Dan (my old boyfriend she didn't approve of) is a no-good, good-for-nothing and you need to stop seeing him or I'm going to throw your laptop in the lake." Even if it WAS a joke, it was a poor joke and I did not appreciate it.

On top of all that, I don't always understand "jokes" very well. My parents know this full well, as they have said, many many times while I was growing up, that I need to "lighten up" and that I'm "too serious" when they said something that was supposed to be funny. I just don't always get humor, at least their definition of humor. Truly and honestly, I don't see how her or anyone saying, "He's waiting for you, you're his girl" can be remotely funny.

[jackfaire]

Amusingly that reminds me of my mom except for my mom's tendency for mixed messages.

When I first moved out of my parents house it was to move in with a girlfriend. The whole relationship my mom was "You can always change your mind" "she isn't right for you" "You should move back home"

Did I mention that within 24 hours of my decision she had packed up my room and it was a sewing room by the time I stopped by to pick up my stuff.

[blas87]

If it makes you feel better, I don't get my mom's humor, either very often. It's sometimes an excuse to say something hurtful or bring up something I did years ago and dig the old knife into me. Or an excuse for her to pat herself on the back about how "great" of a job she did parenting me and how her parenting style "straightened me out".

For instance, I will describe a coworker I don't like, and she will say "Oh, like Sarah, that freaky girl you used to think was so cool in high school? If I hadn't prevented you from being friends with her, you'd be in a different place today, aren't you so glad I made sure to keep you away from people like that?"

Uh huh. Yup. Alright Mom. You've made it clear that no one is allowed to bring up stuff you did as a kid, because it "humiliates" you and reminds you of your awful grandmother. Sound familiar?

[jackfaire]

For instance, I will describe a coworker I don't like, and she will say "Oh, like Sarah, that freaky girl you used to think was so cool in high school? If I hadn't prevented you from being friends with her, you'd be in a different place today, aren't you so glad I made sure to keep you away from people like that?"

"Oh you mean the one that wanted me to join her band and now the band has gone triple platinum? Yeah thanks mom"

[Andara Bledin]

How many of you with these types of parents self-identify with Rapunzel during the "Mother Knows Best" song in Tangled?

^-.-^

[jackfaire]

How many of you with these types of parents self-identify with Rapunzel during the "Mother Knows Best" song in Tangled?

^-.-^

Wanted to give a standing ovation but was being nice and not embarrassing my daughter.

[blas87]

I had to look up the lyrics, but damn. That's awful.