Intolerance... From Someone You Thought You Knew...

[Kara_CS]

As I type this, my roommate is waiting for his parents to get here to take his stuff so he can move into his new apartment in his hometown. Long story short, 6 months ago he was desperately trying to get out of his mom's house (he's 32, for crying out loud), and I needed some extra income. He's been my best friend since 4th grade. I had only recently come out to him at that point and he was totally cool with it. He gave me every assurance it wouldn't disturb him or creep him out to see me occasionally being a girl around the house (the concept of coming out to the world was still a source of fear for me at the time). But he didn't listen to me right from the start and get a job when he first moved down here, so 2 months later he panicked cause he was out of money and hadn't even tried looking for work, went 70 miles back to his hometown, and begged for his old job back. It's been a mess since then but basically he can't afford the commute and he's totally irresponsible with his money, so he's moving back. He told me a month ago he was moving... but it was only last night I found out he was moving today. Since I have discovered he's a disgusting slob, and he's ALREADY strained our friendship by some of his actions (such as not paying me for nearly a month), I'm not sad to see him go. A great person to know, but not someone you'd want to live with. And I was still willing to think of him as my best friend... but now.. now I think, once I forgive him, it might just be "friend."

He has seen me grow as a person as I struggled to find my place, to find what was "right" for my life. He was there for me the night I wore a new dress for the first time, to go out to the GLBT club in Wichita (the club which at the time was the only place I could feel "safe" enough to be me), opened my back door to go to my car and found my neighbor sitting out in his driveway having beers with his friends and I froze. I slammed the door, went to my room, and cried for being so weak, for not being able to face people. He has watched me overcome the fear that had gripped me my entire life, embrace who I truly am, and reveal her to the entire world. He has witnessed some of the arguments between my mother and I, he has seem how hard it was for me, at first, to fight the urge to put all my makeup and my purse and anything else away that my mother didn't want to see when she came to visit. He has, like so many others, expressed his amazement of me for having the strength to do all this. He has seen me go from being so afraid of being myself to fighting my employer to stand behind their policy to allow me to be myself.

And early this morning (oh yeah, last night he asked me if I could set MY alarm for 7am to make sure he was up and ready by 8am, and being the good friend that I am, I did), his mom called, and he went outside to pick up the hundreds of cigarette butts outside in my back yard (which was actually very thoughtful of him). He came back in looking terrified and sheet white. He said, "Um.... I... I just found out... um... my dad is coming too." I said, "Okaaaaay. Cool." I haven't seen his dad in over 10 years. And then he finally stammers, "Is... um.. is there.. anything... anything that you... uh, see he doesn't know ANYTHING. So... is there anything you should put away before he gets here?"

I turned around without saying a word, shut myself in my room, and here I am. He seriously suggested that I put my "girly" things away. That I should hide. Hide who I am after everything I've gone through to get myself to this point. Hide who I am in my own fucking home. My home that as of today he no longer resides at. That I should pretend to be someone I'm not until his parents have come and gone.

And why should I do this? Because he respects me and is concerned about what his father may think of me? No. Because he's too chickenshit to tell his dad the truth, or even let his dad know the truth. Not out of any concern for me, but out of fear for himself. Because he doesn't want to have to answer the questions. Because he's too worried about what his dad will think of him for supporting me.

It is POSSIBLE that his mom asked him to suggest it. She knows about me too, and she doesn't support me. Which hurt because I spent a lot of time over at his house growing up and thought of her like my second mother. But if that were the case, he would have, or should have, known better. He has told me several times how he has argued with her about me, how he's been supposedly fighting a "pro-Kara" campaign against her opinions. It would seem he's lying to one of us. Probably me. After I came to my room, making NO effort to put my things away such as my purse on the dining room table or the various bits of makeup scattered on my bathroom counter (which I MAY HAVE added more to a bit ago, just for show), or the skirt draped over a chair in the dining room that's hang-dry only, he started taking all his boxes of crap and putting them out on my porch. Now all that's left in the house that belongs to him is his bed and dresser, which will minimize the amount of time his parents spend in my house.

22 years of friendship. Nice to see how much I really mean to him after everything we've been through growing up together. I'll probably at least come out of my room and say hi to his folks. I did my hair and made sure to put my heart-shaped earrings in, and my toenails are still painted... but that's about all I'm going to do. Because I want them to know I'm a fighter, that I'm proud of who I am, even if they and their son aren't. And I don't want them to see the pain in my eyes. I can't believe he could hurt me like this.

[Andara Bledin]

The question I would ask is what is it about his dad that neither he, nor his mother, have told him anything about who you really are? It's possible they fear he might react far beyond how a rational man would.

Either way, it's clear that he's doesn't have nearly the courage or strength of character that you do.

^-.-^

[HYHYBT]

I have nothing to say and nothing to offer except

[Kara_CS]

I've known his dad forever too. While he can be intimidating when he REALLY wants to be, he's really a very plain and gentle man. He's an old-fashioned farmboy from a looooong line of old-fashioned farmboys.

When my roomie tried to explain to his mother before he moved in with me that he wasn't sure about his sexuality, she thought he meant he was gay and not just uncertain. Apparently when she told his dad he just laughed and said, "I know." I mean, they took the possibility of their son being gay very well. So I don't see where the cause was for any type of concern. Especially not any need to feel like it was worth stabbing me in the back at the last second.

[Ree]

I am sorry you have been so hurt by someone you considered a friend.

I'm wondering if his fear is more that his father will question his son's sexuality after having lived with a transsexual and hiding it from him.
His father may wonder why he hid it unless he is possibly homosexual and hiding it from his father.

It's intolerance no matter how you look at it, though, and as I said, I'm sorry you have been treated this way.

[SkullKing]

It is impossible for me to know the whole story without knowing you two, but here goes my two cents:

With all due respect.

According to you he has been a great friend for a long long time. And he was there when you needed him most. Including when you (according to your own words) were weak.

He was beside you, when you needed someone beside you to "grow up" into who you are(I understand it was very difficult)

He was with you when you were so weak you made yourself cry. Well, Perhaps his father is his weakness.

Maybe he stretched your friendship by being a bad roommate.

But that does NOT make him intolerant.

And family is often more complicated than it seems. Consider that Maybe he knows his father better than you do, maybe he has reasons to be uncomfortable.

He DID NOT stab you in your back.

If he had told about yourself when you were not ready, than he would have stabbed you behind your back.

And unless he said he had told his father and didn´t, HE DID NOT stab you in the back.

Maybe he was insensitive, but that doesn´t make him a betrayer.

I do not doubt that you were a great friend. I would applaud you If you said something along the lines of "this is my home,. and I will not hide myself in my home"

But to call him a betrayer behind his back is not cool, even If you feel you have been betrayed(And I believe that you truly feel so, and that it probably hurts a lot) that does not mean he betrayed you.

[Ree]

Maybe he stretched your friendship by being a bad roommate.

But that does NOT make him intolerant.

I was referring to intolerance on the part of the father.

It doesn't seem to me that a good friend who had been there every step of the way would make Kara hide who she is in her own home, just to keep dear old dad from getting upset.

[SkullKing]

I was referring to intolerance on the part of the father.

It doesn't seem to me that a good friend who had been there every step of the way would make Kara hide who she is in her own home, just to keep dear old dad from getting upset.

IF that is truly the case, than I apologize and take back this specific phrase

[Evandril]

First, let me state your friend handled this *very* poorly. That being said, having to move back home to your parents, doubly so at his age...is not fun. I'm fairly sure he was stressing and not thinking straight, and quite likely didn't even think how it would sound, or make you feel. He was in a highly stressful/painful situation, and trying (badly) to lessen some of the stress...and he chose as well as you've said he's chosen in other parts of his life.

I'm not saying to give him a free pass...but counting this as one of his moments of weakness might be appropriate...Talking to him about it after the fact, and letting him know how he made you feel sounds like an appropriate reaction, and might make salvaging the friendship possible, hopefully

[Gravekeeper]

He was in a highly stressful/painful situation, and trying (badly) to lessen some of the stress...and he chose as well as you've said he's chosen in other parts of his life.

If he has to move back with his parents, and he knows what dad might be Really Like, then its him that has to live with what dad is Really Like. While he certainly did not handle the situation well in any way shape or form. In his brain it might be asking you this, or having to live with his dad's daily displeasure with him, or badmouthing or you, or whatever the heck the problem might be, for months on end after this.

The fact he had trouble asking you shows he knew it was the wrong thing to ask. So I wouldn't dismiss it as intolerance. Insensitivity definately. But family life is complex...especially at 32 and living with your parents again. >.>

[Kara_CS]

I dunno... maybe just poor word choice on my part in the heat of the moment. He's not going to be living at home, he got a crappy apartment that's dirt cheap.

It just came out of nowhere. For months he's been telling me how much he admires me for being able to do what I have so far. He knows I've finally hit the point where I don't hide from anyone, anywhere, at any time. In all honesty, my dad was the one who had a nasty temper and could be unreasonable. And I don't put certain things away when my parents come to visit.

So it was just... weird. To know where I am in my life and then to ask me to do something I honestly believe he knew was stupid to ask me. Like, "I know this is you and I totally respect that... but can we sweep it under the rug for 20 minutes until my parents are gone?" I don't understand his reasoning, and I'm not sure he did either. I should have said SOMETHING, but I just walked away. I still value him as a friend and I always will... the last month or so things have soured a bit over some really poor judgement on his part and that just seemed like the last straw. I had to remove myself from the situation before I said something I'd regret. So I sat down and ranted on the internet instead. Probably for the best, if I'd ranted at him I would have done more harm to our friendship.

I've seen people stand up for me who I didn't even know cared about me one way or the other. I assumed he would too. Maybe his brain just told him to panic for some unknown reason.. that happens sometimes. Happens to everyone. I don't hate him, I'm not even mad about it anymore... just a bit confused still. And I'm not going to be so petty as to keep saying this is why we're not "best friends" anymore... the fact is we stopped being best friends years ago. Those kids we were, they're long gone now. He's still a friend, I still love him like he's my brother.

Oh well. What's done is done and life goes on. At least I made myself look like an idiot online and not in front of his family... because I meant it when i said they're like an extension of my family.

[protege]

Oh well. What's done is done and life goes on. At least I made myself look like an idiot online and not in front of his family... because I meant it when i said they're like an extension of my family.

You're an idiot?

Kara, I don't think you're an idiot...and I don't know you very well. Sure, he could have handled it better. But, we don't know everything here. I'm sure the guy knows his father better, mainly because he lived with them. It could be, that he just didn't want to hear his father bitch about things.

I know that all too well. For many years, it was never quiet in my parents' house. My mother was constantly screaming about something--minor things someone else said or did was enough. For example, on vacation last year, she hit the ceiling because my dad misunderstood her, and didn't get ready for dinner (we were going out) in time. Now imagine having to deal with that over 30 years After spending all day in a noisy office, it grew tiresome to have to deal with that shit at home. People are actually shocked that the screaming was the main reason I moved out. They all seem to think that my parents have a wonderful relationship, and minds are blown when I tell them otherwise.

I'm not trying to excuse what the guy did, but I do know where he's coming from. He was probably trying to be tactful with his question...and ended up failing miserably. He also probably wanted to preserve some sense of sanity in the household, and inadvertently pissed you off while trying to prevent future drama. I know I would. There just gets to be a point that you want the screaming to stop.

[Evandril]

Oh well. What's done is done and life goes on. At least I made myself look like an idiot online and not in front of his family... because I meant it when i said they're like an extension of my family.

I did not mean, in ANY way, to imply you'd made yourself look like an idiot. Being outside of the situation, I was seeing if I could help you look at it a different way, mainly because I've lost friends in the past because I did not. That does not mean I don't agree with how you handled it, or what you posted here, it was just an attempt to see if you'd overlooked something easy to overlook in a situation like that...and, from the sound of it, you'd not needed the reminder, in any case

[Kara_CS]

Oh no, you're fine. It's no one here, I just think I could have handled it better than I did. I shouldn't have shut down, I should have said something. It's okay.

[LexiaFira]

I don't think it matters much now about what you did or did not do, it matters that he KNEW and did not handle it well and if that meant you shutting everything out by hiding in your room so be it. If that meant keeping you from going off on him fine...
IT DOES NOT MEAN you are an idiot it just means many other things of which I will not say as my tolerance level for certain things such as this and others is way lower than yours.

I do feel he has let you down not just in this situation but in previous times but its also your choice to keep your roomie/friend as a friend as you have known him way more than any of us here.