I Hate This...

[blas87]

We've had threads similar to this, but this is a new story, new person, new situation.

I understand everyone is different and everyone deals with things in their own way. And I know not everyone is a social butterfly or open with their emotions. I understand it's some people's nature to bottle things up or to hide their emotions. I just don't get why people can't tell you when they are upset with you without being in a shell and building up anger and resentment towards you.

I don't get why some people feel the need to make it a mystery, almost a game or something.

So all of a sudden, someone is real quiet, or quieter than usual. They don't respond to you much, or only send terse, short text messages. "Yup" "Nope" "Ok" "Probably" "Alright" "Bedtime" "Snack"

So, say me, the person who is more forward with emotions, just lays it out on the table. What's the problem here?

Now it's like "You said/did x, y, z."

You don't remember saying or doing anything of the sort. You're almost confused. But being as you realize at this point that this person has just been holding back anger or hurt, you just apologize anyway. It's usually not my nature to bend over backwards and apologize, but I really want this to work and not let it be a problem. So I say something like I don't remember doing or saying anything, but I'm sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you.

Ok...so things get a little better for a day or so. Then it gets all quiet and awkward again. Ok, now what's the deal? This time, instead of asking, I just try to continue a text conversation, and I get "You said X, remember?"

I never did that either. I don't remember ever saying that. Ok, still mad at me.

So you get fed up and the next day just say look I'm really not interested in hanging or doing anything while things are still awkward, so why don't you let me know when you're not mad at me anymore.......and what's the answer? Oh, you were never mad. You were hurt. I said and did really mean things.

I told you multiple times I had NO memory of saying or doing anything of the sort. I apolgized anyway. Multiple times. I said I wanted to move on and hoped we could drop it. But no.

Looks like another one I'll have to file in the reject pile. I don't understand why people do things like this to others. This is NO way to have an adult relationship with somebody.

[kibbles]

That would get on my nerves as well. If someone is so closed with their emotions, I would almost feel overly self-conscious when I am around them because I would never know what triggers their hurt feelings.

[DrFaroohk]

Sometimes I'm closed off with my feelings because I feel like even if I bring them up, I'll just get shut down. Maybe pointed out how selfish it is of me to feel that way, or argued with, or just plain ignored. The ignoring one really sucks the most, sometimes I'll try to talk to someone, anyone, and be like "Hey, we need to talk, ya know how you always call me a faggot? That really offends me."

"Huh." turn around, walk away. Long silence. Or just a chuckle and "Oh you, you're a killa!"

Plus it IS nice to be asked what's wrong. Again in the same thought, if you don't like being rejected immediately before you even get started, its nice to have the other person initiate it. I feel like it makes them more open. If they don't care enough to ask, they probably don't care enough to listen or try to make amends either.

[Andara Bledin]

I've got a friend right now that plays that juvenile 'silent treatment' bullshit. And gets all passive aggressive if you don't hold up the conversation for him.

If you're not adult enough to communicate about your problems, then don't be surprised if I treat you like a kid.

We had this fight, recently, where he got all passive aggressive whiny at me because I didn't answer him. So, when I got back to my keyboard (newsflash, buddy, if I don't answer a direct question it's because I'm not there ) I fire off a sarcastic comment meant to indicate that, oh, hey, I wasn't at my keyboard so I couldn't answer.

So then he gets all butthurt because I insulted him, makes some nasty comment about the fact that I'm not also some 20-something, and then whines some more about how mean I am. Bitch, please.

I put up with enough of this juvenile, immature idiocy at work, and they have to pay me to be there. I'm not about to take that crap from people who profess to be my friends.

^-.-^

[LewisLegion]

I'm one that keeps my emotions inside. Comes from being raised by a jackass who yelled and screamed and ridiculed me to within an inch of my life (literally).

Unfortunately friends have gotten upset with me, thinking they had done something wrong, when it has nothing to do with them. Most of the time, I'm quiet because I am in a lot of pain/exhausted/depressed, and it has nothing to do with them. I KNOW it has nothing to do with them, but I'm hurting/tired/depressed enough that everything I say is going to come out short and terse, and I have no desire to hurt their feelings with a 'tone' when I'm not upset at them at all. I have been working on this and trying to tell them 'i'm not mad, I'm just hurting, please leave me be'. But it happens often enough that I feel like I'm 'whining', if that makes sense.

Also, most of the time I AM upset at someone I don't say anything because I know it's something silly that I'll get over very quickly, and I don't want to start an argument or say something out of anger or hurt feelings that I don't mean and am going to regret later. If something REALLY made me angry or hurt my feelings, I will bring it up with the person when I'm calmer and can talk through it logically. I don't use the 'silent treatment' as punishment, it's the way I process things.

[HYHYBT]

Exactly. I, too, will sometimes get very untalkative if there's something I'm trying to work out on my own before (or more usually instead of) talking it out with someone. Especially if it's a case where I feel hurt or betrayed or whatever and cannot get rid of that feeling despite knowing in my head that it's not, or almost certainly not, really the case.

As for not remembering it, that makes things worse. This is so big and important to me and you don't even REMEMBER it!? Or, worse, remember things totally differently? People often *DO* remember things differently, of course, but it often doesn't matter so much what REALLY happened as that the experience, as remembered, is real to the one remembering it. And HURT (whether from a 'real' cause or not, whether apologized for or not) takes time to heal. That I've talked it out with someone and they and/or I have apologized and hopefully know how better to avoid a recurrence may lessen, but does not negate, that need for time.

[Greenday]

I keep my emotions in most of the time, but when I have a problem with someone, I'm direct about it. If you play the silent game with me, I'm going to win. If you can't be a grownup and tell me not only that something is wrong but what is wrong, I'm going to assume nothing is wrong on my end and continue about it unbothered. If you give me that "You should know what you did wrong!" crap, since I don't know what I've done wrong, by that logic I've done no wrong so free and clear conscience for me!

[DrFaroohk]

I don't normally go for the "you should know!" argument but I think sometimes it can hold water. It gets me sometimes when I make something clear like "I fucking hate seafood, it makes me sick." Only to, the very next day, be served a seafood entree by someone who is close enough to me that they should've known and remembered (since I just told them yesterday!) that I hate seafood, and sometimes what it really says is not "I wasn't listening" but more like "I don't care".

So yeah there's some things that should be intuitively obvious to people.

[blas87]

I said already that I'm aware not everyone is like me and some people naturally hold things in. That's not what I'm bitching about.

However, I don't think as an adult, being more introverted or a person who doesn't like to show their emotions, it excuses playing the silent treatment or expecting a person to know you're upset with them, and to practically make them guess what they did (if they did do anything) and then get further irritated when they keep going about their day ignoring you until you man the hell up and say what your problem is.

I agree with Andara. I have to deal with childish games on a nightly basis. I shouldn't have to tolerate it one bit from someone who supposedly cares for me.

[Rageaholic]

That sounds passive aggressive (or something of that nature). It's one thing to not be open with your emotions, but when you start treating someone differently over something silly, that's not exactly ignoring the situation. It sounds like they are trying to make you feel guilty with their passive agressive behavior. I hate that.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Oh, I don't play games. I'll ask once what is wrong. If I get a "nothing", that's it for me. If there's nothing wrong and the person continues to mope, sulk, or act angry, then we will have a conversation about why I'm being treated like shit for no reason.

If it's not big enough to mention to me, it's not big enough to put on a histrionic show about , either. So they can grow up and communicate like an adult. To do otherwise is manipulative, passive aggressive, and childish. I don't appreciate that.

And I AM direct in voicing my displeasure.

If someone wants to play with me and wait for me to follow some silly little script they're trying to play out, they will have a long damn wait indeed.

[AdminAssistant]

Sometimes I get a bit sulky and/or mopey with Fiance, but it's because I know I'm upset over some stupid little thing. I just want to sit alone, process my feelings, deal with it, and move on. Or, when the emotional tide has passed, speak to him like a rational adult. To me, there's no point in getting into a screaming match because I've been doing the dishes more than he has that week, or that he bought yet another video game while we're trying to save. I get angry or upset, try to remove myself from the situation, calm down, then talk. If he comes bounding in before I'm ready pestering me with, "But what's wrooooonnnggggg???" Then there will be a shouting match over something profoundly stupid and I don't want that.

[Andara Bledin]

If someone wants to play with me and wait for me to follow some silly little script they're trying to play out, they will have a long damn wait indeed.

Bingo.

Unless you're still in high school, then leave the games in the schoolyard.

What baffles me is people who want to mope and sulk and log in to their IM program(s) and proceed to throw their black cloud at everybody who makes the mistake of thinking they want to chat.

I get that people get down in the dumps and that sometimes they need someone to lean on. That's cool. I'm talking about the people who throw out drag-bombs that aren't intended to cheer anyone up and are more aimed at making everybody else as miserable as they are. Seriously? They need to grow up and ditch the high school drama.

^-.-^

[blas87]

That's just it. I'm not even being an annoying extrovert "Ooooh what's wrong?!" or "TELL ME!"........it's just that I can TELL that person is upset, even over text messages or whatever, and they refuse to say anything, even that they are upset or that they don't want to talk about it.......but they keep responding to me and being an ass with their responses. And if I try to keep a conversation like normal, the meaner and angrier they get, because I'm focusing off the fact that I pissed them off, but they won't tell me that they are mad at me, but I should realize it.....STUPID!!!

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Well, if you really want to have some fun with them, simply ignore the fact that they're upset. Be the thickest person ever to roam the earth.

They'll have to try harder to get your attention and make you notice. Until it reaches the point where it's really embarrassing and awkward.

I should probably add that this tactic only really works if you don't give a damn.

And in a situation like this, you shouldn't.