My Brother

[kiwi]

Technically I don't hate him, but I hate his behaviour towards me.

I travelled from Canada to NZ for his wedding in March. We spent $8000 that we did not have to go because he just expected me to be there. Apprently it meant a lot to him and he is my only sibling. I know I technically didn't have to spend that money to go and he doesn't owe me anything for it but I did it to show him that I love him and care about special days.

My whole life I have tried to make up for the fact I was the favourite, he resents that my parents had more love and attention for me (something I never played up or asked or even wanted). I have spent hundreds of days throughout my life making sure he feels apprciated and special and he rarely if ever does that for me. The last two years he hasn't initiated contact with me AT all and yet bitches that I never call him/ email him/ text him etc.

I am constantly on tip toes with him making sure I only ever say nice things, I never ever critise him, I don't intrude on his life at all but let him know that I am supportive and super proud of his achievements. I honestly don't know what more I could do to be a better sister. I make sure his presents and cards for birthday and christmas are always mailed early, I walk a fucking knifes edge to make sure he knows I love him without being annoying or trying to bother him and it never seems like it's enough.

My birthday was yesterday and I was extremely lucky that many of my friends and family sent me messages of love and called and sent cards and did wonderful things so I would know they care.

He did nothing. Not a card, not a text, not an email or a FB or a call or anything. He totally ignored the day. He was literally the only family member I have that didn't acknowledge it in anyway.

I wasn't expecting flowers or a big gift or a whoopla of anykind but fuck dude you can't spend 5 seconds typing Happy Birthday to me?
It really, really hurt me. He is my only sibling and other than my Mother my only biological family.

I spent the day focusing on the love I WAS getting and had a wonderful day despite being alone for the entire day. It was one of my better birthdays in nearly 30 years now. But it's the day after and I am pretty crushed he didn't make any kind of effort.
The worst part is he actually had closer to 48 hours to make and effort because of the time zone difference and he still couldn't find the time.

I really dislike him today for doing that to me. All I needed was 5 seconds of his day and he couldn't even do that. It's the last straw. I am done with trying to get him to like me as a person. I don't know what I ever did to him to make him so nasty towards me, the only thing I can peg it on is his hurt that as a child he was ignored over me.
I hate that he blames ME for that. He is 35 for gods sake you think he would be adult about it by now. I am over trying to make up for my parents mistakes.

[Andara Bledin]

I used to give my brother more leeway than he ever earned because our dad was a dick.

But after we both became adults and moved out and had been on our own, I stopped giving him the benefit of the doubt.

After all, I wasn't the one that treated him poorly. I wasn't the one that made him feel bad. I was always decent towards him and didn't take advantage of my dad's obvious favoritism. But when he was still trying to trade on that after his 30th birthday, I had no sympathy.

At some point he has to take control of his own life and own his own actions. Considering that in our case it was merely general neglect and random douchebaggery and our mother still overcompensates in his favor, I am no longer willing to let him try to play that card. It's long since expired.

Glad to hear that but for that you had a good birthday.

^-.-^

[Boozy]

My dad always forgets my birthday. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it just means he never looks at calendars. He's a farmer, rarely has appointments, and is more interested in broad scopes of time like "seasons".

Could this be the case with your brother? The two of you have quite a history, but that doesn't mean that this couldn't be a simply matter of forgetfulness. Isn't that more likely than him remembering that it was your birthday and saying, "Meh, who the fuck cares"?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I'm with Boozy. Your brother may be a self involved dick, or just a space cadet. I don't know him. Only you can be the judge of that.

But don't attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity.

I'm REALLY BAD with dates. I try so hard to keep up with stuff like that, but I am just not very organized and despite my best efforts, I screw up sometimes. The fact that I've learned to keep a daytimer helps. Not perfect, but it helps. The calendar on on my phone has been a godsend. But I am not one of those gifted people who are good at remembering stuff like this and I envy those who are.

So before you allow yourself to feel so hurt, consider what might have been the cause of his not calling you. The odds are not in favor of his trying to deliberately hurt you.

Happy birthday, by the way.

[kiwi]

Well if he is bad with birthdays he sure as heck never forgets HIS birthday or his daughters or his wifes. I get email reminders weeks ahead for them.

I got torn a new arsehole out last year because I sent my SIL(his wife) a card instead of a gift. When I pointed out that they don't ever even acknowledge my BF's birthday (we have lived together longer than their entire relationship) I was told that I was just being selfish and should stop keeping score. This was when the BF and I were surviving off $25 for both of us to eat each week in Canada. We couldn't afford to get a gift so I sent a beautiful card with a heartfelt message. But it wasn't good enough.

He also was the only person who refused to write an immgration support letter. We got over 40 letters of support, every single person we asked wrote one except for two. A friend I had only known for 5 months and my brother.
My boss wrote one, all of the important people in our lives wrote one, but not my brother. It was too much effort for him to type out a paragraph in support and stick a stamp on it.

If it was JUST this birthday I would chalk it up, its just a pattern that has been developed over years and years. I am expected to make the biggest fuss over him and he isn't expected to do even the bare minimum for me.

[kiwi]

Also my SIL birthday is only 2 days before mine. He has joked in the past that he had better always remember hers and so how could he forget mine.

[Andara Bledin]

Your brother has been trading of his "unfavored child" status for most of his life, and is now abusing your good nature.

It took nearly a decade for my brother to get it through his head that I wasn't going to give him anysort of allowance for his being unfavored. Considering your brother is much more of a jerk than mine ever was, I suspect you'll have even longer to get him to learn that he's no longer being disfavored, so he no longer gets compensating treatment.

^-.-^

[kiwi]

Well he still hasn't said anything and when my Mother called this morning I asked if he had been busy this week and she said nope. She has spoken to him this week and mentioned my birthday so he did know about it.

He is just a douche and I am finally done with his behaviour. I actually feel better about it now, I don't have to waste anymore time on him.

This isn't really about my birthday, it's way deeper than that. I have been in Canada now for close to 4 years now and I have spoken called/emailed him 99% of the time. I was actually thinking about this over the last few days and he has called me ONCE in those 4 years and that's because my Mother directly asked him to call me and thank me for coming to his wedding. Every time I email him I get a 2 line reply if I am lucky stating he is "too busy" to reply now but will in the next week or so and I never get anything back.

Im not asking for endless attention, I realise he has a child and a wife and a job and all those other adult responsibilities. But somehow he finds time for all of his friends but never any time for me. I think back to the hundreds of rugby games I went to, all the hours I spent making food for his parties so he could buy more beer, all the times I went out of my way to show that I love and support him. In my 12 years of competitive dancing he only came to ONE single competition, stayed to see one dance routine and made sure I knew how bored he was.

I am so sick of it, he has made it crystal clear that I am just a total inconvience and annoyance to him. I won't bother him again.

[blas87]

That's pathetic. My parents favoring my brother, I NEVER took out or "punished" him for. My brother, never in all growing up, ever lived in the glory of being the favorite. We've always been best friends and it will always be that way.

[Gravekeeper]

I'm pretty bad with dates myself, but its not like Facebook doesn't remind you when people's birthdays roll around. >.>

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Yeah, I'm sorry. He does sound like a douche.

He's figured out that "he who cares the least has the power." I guess it's time to adjust the balance of said power.

He needs to grow up.