not being "allowed" to make choices

[KellyHabersham]

*just for the record, this isn't so much about minors getting piercings as it is with how the family dynamics work*

To make it short, my rant is on the fact that I'm not always "allowed" to make choices regarding my daughter. I believe some of it is because my mom is the one who (mainly) financially supports Heather, and because of various issues which I have, but I do remain the sole person who has legal guardianship.

Anyhow, this comes into place because Heather has mentioned wanting to get her bellybutton pierced for her upcoming birthday. There are places in the area which will do that on kids her age, but with quite understandable restrictions. I am not against doing this, but I would be highly concerned about a fallout from other family members.........my mom feels piercings are "trashy" at any age, and I can see getting lectures from other relatives about being a "bad parent".

[DrFaroohk]

That's when you do what I do - extremely limited access of family to their granddaughter until they learn how to keep their opinions to themselves.

[Rapscallion]

When do you get to make the decisions, then? Sure, you can't really limit access when they're paying for you both, but at some point you've got to be allowed to be the parent.

Rapscallion

[bara]

Well, a belly button ring doesnt seem to harsh. Im of a mind that piercings arent a big deal... for most locations anyway. But it should be with parental permission..

Unlike my nephew who tried to pierce both his ears... at two seperate occasions. Of course he got caught and the second time he got an infection so my bro took him to get a tetanus shot.

That boy is never going to be ungrounded at this rate... ever.

[tropicsgoddess]

For piercings on girls, just the ears and nothing more until they move out and/or of legal adult age. With boys, no piercings until they're of legal age and/or until they move out. The OP is the parent and regardless of who's giving more financial support the decisions should be up to the OP since the child is hers.

[patiokitty]

To me it's a matter of picking your battles as a parent - in my mind piercings are not a big deal. Even if I didn't have any myself I wouldn't bat an eyelash if my son told me he wanted one. My only stipulations would be the shop he got pierced at. He's old enough now to not need me to sign off on it but he knows darn well that I'd want to be the one to make recommendations about which shop to go to - all for his own safety and well-being...and my peace of mind.

As far as I'm concerned, if you have sole guardianship then if you want to take your daughter to get her belly-button pierced then go for it. If your family doesn't like it just point out that there is always a chance your daughter would find a way to get it done anyways if she wants it bad enough. And not all piercers give a damn about parental consent. Explain to them that by controlling WHERE she gets it done means it has a much better chance of not causing health issues later on. Hell, my own mother bitched me out for getting my first piercing and tried to call me a bad mother for it...I told her to grow up and grab a brain.

You are still Heather's mother, regardless of who is financially supporting her, and it should be your say over everybody else's. If your mother tries anything just remind her that you are the one with guardianship, not her.

[AdminAssistant]

One thing you may want Heather to consider is whether or not she'll want to play sports later on. Most clubs that require physical activity forbid belly rings for health and safety reasons.

[SkullKing]

For piercings on girls, just the ears and nothing more until they move out and/or of legal adult age. With boys, no piercings until they're of legal age and/or until they move out.

That is the kind of double standard that bother´s me.

Why are girls allowed piercings on the ear and a boy isn´t?

And double standards aside, why is a ear pircing allowed and a belly one isn´t? Is there any medical reason, or is it just prejudice?(honest question, I know some places are more dangerous than others, I just never thought the belly would be one of them)

[SkullKing]

One thing you may want Heather to consider is whether or not she'll want to play sports later on. Most clubs that require physical activity forbid belly rings for health and safety reasons.

True, However I never saw a sport club object to somebody having a belly piercing as long as they are not using it at the moment of the training/game/fight/whatever

[kiwi]

I believe who ever takes the most financial burden for the child should get the majority say.

To use an example of my own life, my mother couldn't afford a car when we were children and needed one to get us to doctors appointments, school and activities, none of which were in walking distance.My Grandfather told my mother, he would allow her use of HIS car but only if she agreed to certain conditions. She agreed but resented his conditions (which were very resonable) even though he was the one paying for the car and maintence.

It must be a very difficult spot for you to be in, but if they are assuming the majority of the financial burden they should get a fair bit of say.

[Boozy]

I believe who ever takes the most financial burden for the child should get the majority say.

I think people who use money as a way of controlling their loved ones' behaviour are often manipulative and needy.

People are allowed to spend their money however they'd like, but I will never give money to someone I love, ostensibly to help them, only to tell them exactly what to do with it. It leads to bad feelings on both sides.

I highly recommend giving money in the spirit of letting it go. If you do not have faith in the judgment of the person whom you are financially supporting, there are other ways of dealing with that.

If I were you, Kelly, I'd have a talk with your mom about who has final say. If she does see her financial support as buying her rights that a grandmother would not normally have, it's up to you if you're okay with that. There may be nothing you can do but "co-parent" with her until you're back on your feet financially.

[KitterCat]

So heather is around 16? Make her wait until she’s of legal age to have it done on her own. I say this for various reasons. Family dynamics aside it will give her time to make sure that she does want a belly button piercing and doesn’t change her mind. Teenagers can be fickle after all, what’s cool to them one year may not be so cool the next. This would give her time to think on it and take the burden off of you because at that point she’d be of legal age to make her own choices. I’m sort of the same mind with tattoos or any body modifications. If a teenager really wants it, they’ll still want it when their an adult. Making them wait wont hurt them.

In regards to your family dynamics. Your mother is paying your daughters way. While it may sound noble to “give money in the spirit of letting it go” that isn’t how it generally works in real life. When some ones giving you money to help you financially you have to go with their opinion at times, sometime even when you don’t want to. Remember that person who’s doling out the cash can always cut access to the bank. I’ve seen it happen in my own family. I grew up poor, as in hello dirt. My grandparents would give money to my Mom to help us out. They expected it to be used on cloths, school items, or some fun time for the kids. It almost always went to my Dad who used it as a slush fund. So they stopped giving money.

You may just have to explain to Heather that Grandma doesn’t want her Granddaughter to have a piercing. Explain that in Grandmas’ eyes piercing look trashy and she does not want her young impressionable beautiful granddaughter to look like a pin up model from penthouse.

[AdminAssistant]

Moral reasons aside, Grandma may not want to spend money on something that is a) 'frivolous' and b) could lead to a doctor's visit if not properly cared for. Belly buttons are a bacterial hot tub, after all.

[Andara Bledin]

Some site out there claims that 1 in 4 piercings requires some form of medical attention. Most frequently there just needs to be proper after-piercing care. So, if nothing else, it might be wise to have Heather research the local piercing parlors to find one that is not going to make her sick. But only do that if you're also giving the green light to her getting pierced.

^-.-^

[kiwi]

I think people who use money as a way of controlling their loved ones' behaviour are often manipulative and needy.

People are allowed to spend their money however they'd like, but I will never give money to someone I love, ostensibly to help them, only to tell them exactly what to do with it. It leads to bad feelings on both sides.

I highly recommend giving money in the spirit of letting it go. If you do not have faith in the judgment of the person whom you are financially supporting, there are other ways of dealing with that.

I didn't mean it as "who has the gold has the rule". I meant it as, this person is investing in this childs future so they should have some influence over how that person is raised. Take my childhood situation.

My Father had all opinions on how I should be raised, dress, what activities I should do. He didn't pay a dime in child support. So my Mother ignored him and did what she felt was best.
My Grandfather did however provide financial support and so his opinion was taken into consideration. It wasn't a veto vote at all but as he was ensuring we had a roof over our heads, transport and clothing us he did get to have a say.

My Mother didn't always agree and didn't always do as he said but she did realise he had our best interests at heart. I meant no disrespect by my post.