"Why aren't you married yet?"

[insertNameHere]

I have been dating my gf for about 15months and in a month I will be out of state for 9months.... I have been told I should get married before I go to keep her honest/ get better military pay. To which I think, WTF????? Why should I get married if I know I'm not ready and I'm going to be gone, I can see a future with my gf but for right now what is the rush, don't really care her best friend just got married and a few others are popping out kids. At 25 there is plenty of time to have a few kids AFTER I get back. I guess I should mention all the fucking people I know who rushed into marriage and were/are miserable and there is a reason the divorce rate is so fucking high, usually stupid people and those pressured into marriage to shut people up. As I'm sorry there are not to many cases of "I just knew it was right" were someone gets engaged after 1 month and it works out.

[Blue Ginger]

Hehe. I always respond with 'I haven't found anyone that will put up with my craziness.'

I have been getting the 'why don't you have a boyfriend yet?' since in was 15. Very annoying. Just realised it has been happening for over 10 years. I feel old now.

Even on the odd occasion I do have a boyfriend, I don't tell the relos. That just leads to the bullshit 'when do we get to meet them?' Just can't be bothered dealing with the crap.

Instead I to the other side of the world and only gave my number to my parents and a few friends.

My poor sis has to deal with the marriage question all the time, but she has been with her bf for almost 12 years. She wants the ring, he doesn't. Just waiting for one of them to cave in.

[boringscreenname]

I'm not married, but I've been with my fiance for 5 years, and we have two kids together. People ask all the time why we aren't married yet, or when we're going to get married. A lot of people assume that just because we have kids together we should be married, or that we should've gotten married before the kids were born.

We do have plans to get married, sometime in the next several years, but we're waiting until I pay off a few debts, and saving some money before we do so.

[gremcint]

"When are you getting married?"
"The day after your funeral."

[MadMike]

I don't think I ever got the "When are you getting married?" harassment, even back when my wife and I were just dating. In fact, my mom did the opposite -- when I turned 21, she told me not to be in a hurry to get married. At first, I wasn't sure why she even brought that up since I wasn't even dating yet, but then I did the math and realized she was just short of 22 when I was born. I think she may have suggested it in passing when I was still dating my wife, but didn't really push it.

Now the "having kids" thing was a different story. I got that from quite a few people, but my mom was the worst. One time we were having a family dinner, and I threw my arms up in the air, got up from the table, and walked out of the room because she kept pushing it. Another time, I told her, "If you want one so badly YOU have one!" She had told me she'd like to have a granddaughter, but even if we did have one, there are no guarantees. For the last few generations, the men in my family have only produced boys. There hasn't been a girl born with my last name in roughly 65 years. Thankfully, my mom stopped pushing it a few years ago. The fact that I went and got a vasectomy probably has something to do with it.

I can forgive family members somewhat. Acquaintances, and coworkers (yes, it's happened) have no excuse. Simply stated, it's none of their damn business. First of all, I have no desire to still be raising kids when I'm in my 50s or 60s. Second, we really can't afford it.

[tropicsgoddess]

I've had people ask me that plenty of times once I say that I have a fiancee. We've been a couple for 8 years and living together for 5 years. There's nothing wrong with taking things slow. I don't get why people think that you should dive right into getting married the minute you say that you're engaged. I'd rather take it slow and know the person I am about to marry than to get married faster than you can say wedding planner and then think "who the fuck did I marry and why did I do it?!".

[blas87]

I'm certain no man will marry me under the terms that I would make mandatory.

And some would call me a raving feminist, but I don't swing that way, this is just my personal take on my life and what's mine. It has nothing to do with Girl Power as much as it has to do with how I feel about what is mine.

I will NOT change my name. I may be inclined to hyphonate it, but I'm not giving it up. This is my given name. I should not have to take a man's name because we got married. No man will ever "own" me, or anything that was already mine or anything that will become mine.

I have been working hard since I was legally old enough to get a work permit. I have made my own money and supported myself with little help since then. Therefore, my money is MINE. NO joined bank accounts. I have worked too hard and sacrificed enough and taken enough hits of my own personal bad choices (or bad times at work), to risk letting anyone else jeopardize or utilize my money.

MY own insurance. NO ONE but who I designate as a beneficiary (or if I ever have children) are entitled to ANYTHING that I make if I die, and just the same, if the marriage doesn't work, I'm not losing out on my hard earned money. There will be a prenup, and NO MAN is entitled to any of my 401 or other acrued monies that I have been building up since I was 19 years old.

I will probably be single the rest of my life, or just have relationships. But I'm fine with that. I've worked too hard in my short life already and have already had to fall back on my parents', that it's NEVER happening again once I get back on my feet after next summer. And by GOD as my witness, it's NOT happening because I let some man have any part of my money or my assets. If I'm going down, it'll be because of my own doing.

[SkullKing]

I see no problem with any of that.

But them again, where I live it is not common to change your name after marrying.

Normally the mother, keeps the name, and the children gets the last name of the mother followed by the last name of the father.

[Boozy]

Blas, if you fell in love with a man who made three times what you did, and he had the same attitude about money as you (what's mine is mine), how do you think that relationship would go?

If he's taking Carribbean vacations every year, and you can't afford it, would he go by himself? Show you the pictures when he gets home?

I think you're probably right about your attitude about money leading to perpetual singlehood. Being cautious is a good thing, but if you were to genuinely love and trust someone, and want to build a life with them, you may have to share at some point. It's not risk-free, but that's life. You have to take risks to get the good stuff.

[Gravekeeper]

Being cautious is a good thing, but if you were to genuinely love and trust someone, and want to build a life with them, you may have to share at some point. It's not risk-free, but that's life. You have to take risks to get the good stuff.

I have to agree. I mean I don't think its dooming you to a life of misery or anything and I support both sides having their own personal accounts. But you need to have one joint account for collective/family expenses and uses. Otherwise you're playing a perpetual game of "It's your turn" for the rest of your lives.

As for me, I'm single, 31 and own a cat. I don't have any particular aversion to marriage. But I'm A) an introvert, B) Work a miserable schedule that leaves me little room for social trappings and C) Have little patience for the immaturity and dullwits I see in most women my age who should have grown out of that silliness by now. -.-

My mom has never pressured me about marriage or kids, she does think I could use someone just for the company/happiness/reduction in stress load. Which is about her only real perogative when it comes to me.

[blas87]

I have a coworker who made more than her ex husband (husband at the time). Everything that was hers was in her name, the house was even in her name. When she caught him cheating on her, and divorced him, all she had to pay for were the court costs and what you pay to divorce someone. He had no rights to any of her 401k or insurance or anything else, no alimony or anything she'd have to share with him. And she's thankful for that.

Being cautious is better than being homeless. Or without a vehicle in a place like where I live, where it's hard without one. Or having to let go of something you worked so hard for so many years to acrue.

It's one thing to buy gifts for someone, take them on trips with you. I am specifically talking about things purchased after marriage. Homes, vehicles, etc etc. Most couples have both names on the deed to their house, and that's normal. But I'd rather share the costs of the mortgage/rent, bills, etc or designate who pays what, than to depend on someone to pay for me or vice versa. I don't want to be like my mom who is now struggling because my dad's gotten a drinking problem and has maxed out some credit cards on beer and fast food, with her name on the bill as well, and him making more than her but refusing to budge, now Mom has to pay for what Dad is normally responsible for. It's a huge mess.

I wouldn't have such a strict rule that no one buys anyone anything and nothing can be shared. But I want my own bank account, my own insurance, my own retirement funds, that's for me to always have no matter what happens. Who knows, maybe I'd end up having my own problems with money and why would I want to screw over a guy monetarily just because I can't control myself?

[Gravekeeper]

I wouldn't have such a strict rule that no one buys anyone anything and nothing can be shared. But I want my own bank account, my own insurance, my own retirement funds, that's for me to always have no matter what happens. Who knows, maybe I'd end up having my own problems with money and why would I want to screw over a guy monetarily just because I can't control myself?

Sounds like you'd mostly be covered by just a prenup? Which certainly isn't unheard of.

[blas87]

That'd be correct.

I was a little naive before, and used to think only rich people had prenups, but my coworker told me that she and her husband had had a prenup, and anyone can have one.