lackadaisical parenting affecting my parenting

[LexiaFira]

lackadaisical in that its enough that my daughter L sees it and thinks her mom - me - will let me let her get away with the same behavior. And the cousins/my nieces get so angry with me when i actually follow through.
key players:
me - me
my daughter - L
sis in law - Sis
her two kids - cousins/nieces/kids

I am very angry with the fact that sis doesn't bother to follow through or doesn't do very well. When sis calls to her kids such as come here, or stop that, its the same tone she uses as if talking to someone. I am not about to tell sis how to raise her kids but I will not let sis break the house rules because she doesn't want to follow through.

Its come down to sis has given up in some sense because her husband has become this massive jerk who apparently cannot handle the slightest stress and breaks or vents on everyone including his daughters. Not my problem anymore as I tried to help when she asked me and it blew up in my face. No more. And before you jump my case understand, she has asked for help and we have given it to her and have remained out of her business out of respect because its her house and her kids and so on. I don't think its ok to ask for help and then turn around and act like you did no such thing because your hubs rides your ass because he is a lazy selfish jerk and us showing up to help is somehow bothering him.
I have been nice, bent over backwards gave up many many many a plan to watch her kids to end up having my entire day monopolized because it ends up her enabling her husband who suddenly decides last minute to do it his way. NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE.

Due to him doing this perhaps that is why she has taken a back seat? Fine in her household but children behave in my house, good behavior is rewarded verbally and with fun activities and healthy snacks. (it which the children believe is candy or cookies but is disguised as otherwise)
I don't appreciate her letting her kids push my daughter around literally, throw fits over little things like being told no, and why. And for the record all are old enough to understand being told no and why.
I do not appreciate her letting them hit her and acting like its ok. Or blowing it off. That teaches her daughters hey i can hit mom, i can hit other people. And they do. L got mad because i told her no do not hit, that hurts people. Because her aunt, Sis let her kids do it.

Because they have almost no schedule that meant nap time was interrupted, poor L did not get a nap and was very cranky and upset at dinner because the kids/nieces were cranky loud fussy and generally throwing fits by dinner time and no one was happy.
In walks Sis like all is fine and i so wanted to tear her a new one. Heaven forbid i ever do or I'm in the wrong. Not every family is perfect, heck i came from a dysfunctional family but we learned and we made it work. I will be damned if her kid's poor manners rub off on mine.
Next time dad in law says fine to her coming over i am taking my daughter and leaving for the day cause i know the entire day is done. We were trying to rearrange furniture this morning and that got held off because her happy ass could not wait two hours after 6am for us to finish. Seriously? You get all kinds of bent out of shape if we come by early, why the hell is it ok for you to do that to us?

just fed up in general from trying my best to be nice, or keep my mouth shut or be firm or tough but fair only to be railroaded over because its sis in law and her case is special cause she married a douche and we should all pity her enabling self. fuck that

[anakhouri]

That would drive me nuts too. In these cases when people refuse to be parents, I decide to parent their kids for them and have no problem telling them what to do (and I have when kids in public start bothering Khan). Since these kids seem to be around a lot, I wouldn't feel bad punishing them either.

Of course your SIL might throw a fit if you try to correct Little Precious, but in that case you are free to tell her to leave your house and not return until her family can act like humans and not beasts. Although if I recall you live with your in-laws? So just leave when you hear she is coming over. It'll be tough but probably easier than dealing with that chaos. Maybe eventually she'll notice you're never around when she comes and ask why, and maybe...MAYBE it will get through her skull.

If L tries to emulate her cousins, you can always tell her "Maybe Cousin1 and Cousin2 are allowed to do that, but you are not. Their mother has different rules." The world is not fair, after all. You'll have to repeat it about a million times before she gets it but I've discovered parenting a toddler is 90% repetition anyway.

[LexiaFira]

thats the thing, because of her husband the four year old is already showing self esteem issues. When she gets in a really bad fit she will start saying its all her fault and she is a bad bad kid while crying and showing that she feels guilt and is not happy. She does not throw things at me or anyone while in this negative fit but she says things that a kid her age shouldn't be saying....and that struck me to the core because its the same things i went through with my father when he was being a bad father. and i don't want her to have to endure that.
Cousin 1 is 4 cousin 2 is almost 2, L's age.

the other issue is that it is dad's house and as much as i care i cannot take both their scrutiny at the same time. those are sis in laws kids and his grand kids. however i feel i am at the point where i will discipline them now and tell them both if they stopped it before now then she wouldn't be having these mental issues.
yes, repetition....and its difficult for me in the sense that i have my own demons i am chasing away and my dr and pharmacy are not helping so trying my best to self manage and not blow up on everyone because its not everyone's fault.