Overly strict parents

[jackfaire]

Inspired by another post. Lexiafira you sound like a great parent this isn't about you.

Parents who have to control every little thing their kids do.

My exwife gave a great example of this once. My daughter wanted to make a big giant cookie. I told her okay that would be fun but she wasn't going to eat the giant cookie by herself. My ex freaked out on us because, "That isn't how you make cookies!!!"

It bothers me anytime a parent won't let a kid do something not because it isn't safe or hurt something but because it's not the way it's done.

One thing I loved about my parents was that they didn't care how things were done as long as they got done. If my dad told me to clean my room it didn't matter if I pretended my toys were on a mission to clean up the city (my room) and cleaned while playing.

Other examples of this are "how to have a future" the focus being of course not on whether the kid grows up to be happy but rather if they grow up to be "happy"

Each of us defines for ourselves what being happy is.

Imagine how great the world would be if everyone was encouraged to do what made them happy while being taught to be kind to others.

[anakhouri]

I'm with you. Once my co-worker was saying how she wouldn't let her 4 year old be a fairy for Halloween because she didn't want her getting into all that fantasy stuff. Just because she didn't like fantasy (she actually was born without an imagination at all, I believe), she wouldn't let her daughter do what she wanted. I don't like basketball, but if my son wants to play basketball I will go to every game, because it makes him happy, you know?

I'm very laid-back concerning all that stuff. If he wants to play in the mud, well, he's washable. If he wants to help me unload the dishwasher so it takes 15 minutes instead of 5, okay. If he wants to dump an entire container of sprinkles on one cupcake, cool. If he wants to pain using a pipe cleaner instead of a brush, all righty. Being a kid is all about experimentation to discover how the world works. Why would you want to restrict them just because you've forgotten how to wonder?

[jackfaire]

I mentioned it a bit in another thread but I was playing Ocarina of Time with my daughter this morning. It's one of my faviorite games and I am a huge Zelda fan, how huge hint preordering Skyward Sword and playing it through my four day weekend on Thanksgiving.

Anyway I digress so I have played the game a lot over the years when I got a gamecube I scoured the stores to find a collectors edition. I have played this game a lot. But while playing it with her today and just every time something would happen we blow up a rock there is a hole, find a great Fairy, play a new song.

Every little thing that for me is this routine thing I do as I am playing a much beloved game but for her all I hear is a constant stream of Wows and awesomes and gasps of sheer delight at the wonder and majesty of this epic game that I forgot how epic it was.

I am gonna let my daughter experiment with the world as much as is safe to because she reminds me how to say wow.

[anakhouri]

I hear you. The other day we were at a restaurant and we had a piece of driftwood nearby as decoration. Khan is two, he was staring at it so I explained how the wood was in the ocean or a lake and was smoothed by the waves before it washed up on shore. He pondered a minute, then said, "That's neat."

And you know what? It IS neat.

[blas87]

My mother was very overly strict. Nowadays, she'll smirk, be all satisfied with herself, and go "Aren't you glad I refused to let you see that guy? Aren't you glad I intervened and didn't let you be friends with those people?"

Granted, as a grown up, I realize she'd been right about a lot of stuff. Her smug attitude drives me batty when we discuss the past and I generally try to avoid it because her back patting to herself makes me angry. Besides, even though I will say she was right about a lot of people and situations, a lot of her rules and things she made my dad do in the name of keeping me "Safe" from the world just encouraged my bad behavior.

Mom didn't drive back then, if she didn't like a friend or boyfriend she had Dad follow me around to either a) piss off my friends so they'd bring me back because hanging out with me was too difficult, or b) find out if I was lying about where we were going or c) would only allow me to hang out with those people sometimes for as little as an hour or make some really, really strict rule on places I couldn't go.

My curfew and things were always much suited for someone many, many years younger than me. I was told this was always because of my immature attitude and inistence on dating bad guys and having bad friends. However, it spilled over when I didn't even have a bf or do much with friends, so that was a manipulation thing.

Yeah, see why I don't want kids? If I ever did that to a kid, I'd want to shoot myself.

[Iseeyouthere]

My uncle lets his kids explore and find out things. The only time he is strict is if the kid is doing something they shouldn't, like say for example, throwing wooden blocks around the place.
And when they question why, he tells them why they aren't allowed. And if they do it again, he punishes them.

Result:
Two children happily bouncing around the place but will follow instructions.

[SkullKing]

My exwife gave a great example of this once. My daughter wanted to make a big giant cookie. I told her okay that would be fun but she wasn't going to eat the giant cookie by herself. My ex freaked out on us because, "That isn't how you make cookies!!!"

I agre with your position. May I inquire how you responded to this?

[MadMike]

I saw an example of this at the party store when I was trying to decide on a Halloween costume. I was there for awhile because I couldn't make up my mind. I saw two mothers there with kids, and in both cases, the mother had a problem with what her kid wanted as a costume. The one, I agreed with. The other, I did not.

The first one was with two girls, maybe 12 at the most. The one found a pair of fake boobs and was laughing about it, much to her mother's embarrassment. Then I heard the other one say, "Mom, I want this one!" I didn't see what it was, but I'm guessing it was something that looked slutty. Her mother said, "You are NOT going as Marilyn Monroe!"

A little bit later, there was another mother with a boy who was a little older than the girls who had been in earlier. He saw a zombie costume he liked, and his mother wouldn't let him get it because it was "ugly."

OK, I can understand not wanting your kids to wear a costume that leaves nothing to the imagination. But not letting them get a costume because you think it's ugly? I guess she wanted him to go as Barney the dinosaur or some shit like that. I came that close to saying something, but then realized it was none of my business. While I didn't always get along with my parents, I'm glad they weren't like this mother, who seems like the type who tries to suck all the fun out of everything.

[Andara Bledin]

Wow. I'm so glad my mother is my mother.

One year, for Halloween, I went as The Unknown Comic. Aside from the fact that none of the other kids had the first clue who I was, I wasn't even the right gender for it.

^-.-^

[jackfaire]

I agre with your position. May I inquire how you responded to this?

I calmly explaind to my ex that there is nothing wrong with making a cookie look however she wants it to look we aren't going for style points it was for our own consumption and that I wasn't going to just let my daughter eat one giant cookie she was going to share.

Not the first time me and my ex have butted heads but not overly common.

So Andara you were like the Unknown Unknown Comic?

[Andara Bledin]

So Andara you were like the Unknown Unknown Comic?

Well, the adults at the party got it. So did a lot of the adults when we went out for candy. I actually told bad jokes instead of the usual "trick or treat."

^-.-^

[bara]

My daughter wanted to make a big giant cookie. I told her okay that would be fun but she wasn't going to eat the giant cookie by herself.

Sounds like a good idea to me.

I like cookies, a big giant cookie sounds even better. Would be a fun thing to do with your kid I think.

[MaggieTheCat]

My mom was kind of a control freak in a lot of ways too. A few things that I remember from my childhood...

She wouldn't let me grow my hair out. When it'd get "too long" (almost shoulder length) she'd take me to get it cut, even when I wanted to let it grow longer.

She'd pick out my clothes for me, and trust me, they were the most ridiculous clothes. I am, and was, overweight, so she would pick out clothes that were extra extra large (I wear about a size 20-22 these days, but whenever my mom buys me clothes, say for Christmas, she still gets me a 26-28) and they always had to cover as much skin as possible. And they were never, ever something ... "normal." T-shirts? Jeans? Nope. I never wore jeans until I was in high school and I didn't even own a t-shirt until I moved in with my husband and he bought some for me. It was always sweaters, turtlenecks, blouses with vests/jackets over them, etc.

I remember Halloween being disappointing a few years because I wanted to go as a specific character and she'd refuse. Or, even better, she'd say yes at first, and then as Halloween got closer, she'd change her mind. One year, two friends of mine and I wanted to go as Batman, Robin, and Batgirl (me.) My mom agreed at first. Well, Halloween week came around and no Batgirl costume. I had been asking about it for ages. She refused to make one, refused to buy one, and instead I went as a raccoon. My friends were still dressed as Batman and Robin. I was so upset that I didn't get to go as Batgirl with them.

Blas, my mom was like your mom to an extent too, about not allowing me to hang out with/date certain people because "It's not a good idea and you're going to get hurt so you need to stop and that's that!" She REALLY detested my one boyfriend when I was about 21. She physically assaulted me and attempted to destroy my laptop over the fact that I was seeing him and refused to listen to her when she said I had to break up with him (really long story, I won't get into it here.) In the end, was she right? Yes. She was right about a lot of things about him, but I needed to figure those things out for myself, which I did. I didn't break up with him when she wanted me to, on her terms. I broke up with him over a year later, after we had a good relationship but had figured out that we didn't have a future together.

[blas87]

I can understand parents wanting to intervene in abusive or toxic friendships/relationships, for the child/teenager's own safety, but on the whole, you need to learn and make mistakes yourself. My mom unfortunately went to the extreme and anyone she didn't approve of, she had to "protect" me from. She was wrong about a lot of people, even if she was right about a lot of them as well. Besides, it's always been common knowledge the more you try to force your way and your opinions on a teen, the worse they are going to act.

[LexiaFira]

no offense taken jackfaire

i was raised growing up to listen to my mom because she tells me things for MY well being as a kid yet for most safe things i was given a choice. Such as what do i want to wear today, we have this for lunch which do you want? Etc. Yet we followed a flexible schedule. Having grown up with my inflexible dad (parents divorced when i was barely two) i have had both sides.

So the very strict parenting is just as bad as little parenting. Its often a hard thing to be in the middle. Its what works per person and sometimes you HAVE to be the parent not the friend, the tough but fair rule or even tough love. Take responsibility for your actions. thats what bothers me alot, not many kids I see today are taught be responsible for your OWN ACTIONS. Or there is no consequence (good or bad) for what they do its all instant gratification or tantrum. My fear for strict parents is that the kid will rebel, not an issue of if, but WHEN and that the rebellion will be very bad.