General Thanksgiving gripes

[jackfaire]

I spent Thanksgiving with my ex MIL, daughter and my ex wife.

It was a pleasant enough meal and towards the end my ex made what I thought was a joke, "Okay you need to clean the dishes" I smirked and thought ha ha very funny.

Now in the past when having holiday meals with my ex it has never been the expectation that I or any of the other guests wash the dishes and when I host the holiday dinner I always wash the dishes myself.

So it makes sense that I didn't take what she said seriously. After the meal I spent a bit more time there watching a show with my daughter and then I left for the bus.

As I am waiting for the bus I get a call from my ex asking me why I left before doing the dishes.

She was upset. I suddenly felt like I was in a very awkward position because while I understand it was a family meal I am still a guest in that home and not a resident.

If she had asked me to help or even wash the dishes by myself I probably would have graciously helped out I mean after all they did do all the cooking.

But they didn't ask nor give me a chance to volunteer simply demanded that I wash the dishes then gave me grief when I didn't realize they were serious.

I am sorry when I am a guest in someone else's home I don't expect it be suddenly demanded of me that I clean their home.

I know we used to be married but I do not live there and will not act like I do either. I was a guest.

[blas87]

Meh, I am still expected to help set table and clear dishes and walk the dog and clean up cat puke or hairballs even though I no longer live with my parents.

I don't argue, because especially during holidays, I don't want screaming from my mother.

[jackfaire]

I don't argue, because especially during holidays, I don't want screaming from my mother.

And when my mom still had the family home and I would go there for Thanksgiving I would do the same but this is my MIL's place not even my exwife's place and a home I have never lived so by all rights I should be asked not told.

Hell if we were still married I wouldn't even mind it but we are divorced and only even marginally in each other's lives because we share a kid.

[blas87]

I completely understand why you feel the way you do, though.

Some people take any opportunity though, to start something with others.

This is why my family made a new rule some years ago when we first moved to the area, that it would only be the 4 of us, unless one of us kids wanted to have a friend or signifiant other along. My mom didn't have a problem with that, especially if we had friends/SOs with dysfunctional families, and a few times we've gone to Grandma's and done it there, but because of her side of the family and all that mental illness going on there, it had been enough all those years spending holidays with people that just want to fight and argue and bring up the past and be bullies.

[DrFaroohk]

I say, if they want help they'll ask for help. If they don't want help, what are they bitching for? And if they think less of you for not reading their minds and knowing they were THINKING of wanting help, then they just deserve to drop dead of heart attacks. Those are the people who ruin the world.

[bhskittykatt]

As a guest I always offer to help out, but it should never be expected or demanded. When I'm hosting a party, I appreciate any help offered, but I don't ever expect or demand it from my guests. If you're going to host, you need to be willing to clean up the mess yourself. Guests are invited to come over to eat, drink, and be merry, not to do the host's chores for them.

[aurelemsrealm]

As a guest, I graciously offer to help the host with cleaning up the mess. I figure it's the least I can do to say thank you for the invitation. At the very least, I clean up after myself. However, the situation you described seems a bit presumptuous on your ex's part to expect you to do the dishes. My wife and I don't have many guests aside from family and a few close friends who are practically family, and they've always pitched in to help with cleaning up the mess. We don't ask them to help or expect help. They just help because they want to help.

[blas87]

I don't offer to help with the dishwasher because, well, I was never taught how to use one. I don't have one at home, I use mostly paper plates/cups and wash my dishes usually right away if I use my real ones (or the next morning after work because a dirty sink just pisses me off).

I'll offer to do what I'm good at. Cleaning floors and bathrooms. I'm like the Martha Stewart of a lovely bathroom.

[Fire_on_High]

Am I odd in feeling very insecure and nervous cleaning up "someone else's stuff"? I'm always terrified of making a mess or breaking something or revealing my fairly massive ignorance of social customs or cleaning or...well, most everything.

[Dreamstalker]

I'm always a bit leery of helping someone else clean up because they may have a specific way of doing things that I don't know about, and not everyone thinks to show a helper their systems. I figure that at least they know I'm willing to jump in, and if they want me then I'll ask if they have a system.

I'll offer to help with prep because that's fairly confusion-free, but if the kitchen is small (as is the case with my cousin's place) I'm content to stay out of the way. I always offer though so I don't feel like a total mooch...yes, I'm considered a guest, but I still try to make myself useful.

[Andara Bledin]

If it's family I'm currently affiliated with, I offer to help out.

If it's family that I'm not actually part of, I may or may not, depending on the dynamics.

^-.-^

[HYHYBT]

In a strange kitchen, I'd constantly be having to ask where this and that is or goes, which is less helpful than just getting out of the way. Doubly so if there's not really room for two to move about anyway. Also, some people are picky about how you load their dishes. Or they might have certain things that need to be hand washed that aren't obvious. And so on...

[DrFaroohk]

Am I odd in feeling very insecure and nervous cleaning up "someone else's stuff"? I'm always terrified of making a mess or breaking something or revealing my fairly massive ignorance of social customs or cleaning or...well, most everything.

I get the same way. There's all kinds of social issues that can come to work here and it's hard to figure out exactly which set your host has decided to follow...

For instance...I can offer to help. But some idiots will say "Well if you really wanted to help you'd just jump in and help you wouldn't offer!"
Other idiots will say "He said he wanted no help, therefore you must respect his wishes."
Some other idiot will come in and and point out I should not be putting this guy's dishes away - how rude is it to just go digging through someone's cupboards?
Then yet one more idiot will tell me I should be taking more initiative.


Or you're just worried you're not doing it right. Me, I like to do my dishes a certain way. I don't like other people doing them differently. I also assume many other people want their dishes done their way and wouldn't like mine.

Last thanksgiving I tried helping the in-laws clean their dishes, and while I'm washing them and putting them in the empty half of the sink, getting ready for rinse, some other relative walks over and just starts putting them away! No rinse, all soapy, and he's putting them back in the cupboard! Apparently that's how he does them.

I rinse the living shit out of my dishes, because I use a lot of soap too I guess. Hey, I want clean dishes. Nothing worse than seeing that there's a film of french fry and turkey grease all over the plates because they weren't properly washed. Yay, dried egg, we love that in our forks! Then I let them air dry because I can be doing other stuff while that happens.

[jackfaire]

For me I wouldn't have minded pitching in hell if she had asked I would have said sure. My problem is I don't like being told what to do. I am not a huge fan of presumed authority.

If I have agreed to follow your orders, ie your my boss and you pay me, then fine you have authority over me for as long as I hold to agreeing to follow your orders.

However you do not have the right to just order me about like I am your servant.

For me that's kind of what it comes down to.