"Sorry I'm Bugging You!"

[Andara Bledin]

There's still no reason to apologize or use the phrase "bothering you" in a conversation.

Asking us if you're bothering us is what bothers us; certainly far more than just texting/messaging us.

^-.-^

[blas87]

If I were too busy to talk, my phone would be on silent (like at the movies or at work, in my purse tucked away), and I wouldn't answer at all.

It's more than exhausting having to constantly reassure people. That doesn't seem to even work, because not too long later, they'll be worrying they bugged you again. And what's worse is, when you try an alternative by ignoring the insecure remarks like "Sorry I'm bugging you" or "I must have done something wrong", then they just get more upset that you aren't answering. Can't win. Can't win.

Most times, it IS as simple as, if someone responds to you, they do want to speak with you. They may not be able to stop working or go home to talk to you or ignore who they are with to be with you, but they are at least responding to you. So cut the pity party and the worrying.

[siead_lietrathua]

There's still no reason to apologize or use the phrase "bothering you" in a conversation.

Asking us if you're bothering us is what bothers us; certainly far more than just texting/messaging us.

^-.-^

alright, taking it again from a digital-based communication to a real world one.
if a friend invited you over and proceeded to ignore you for memebase or a video game. if you said "hey, your busy, should i just go/ am i in the way/ am i bothering you?" and they flipped on you for it, then went right back to ignoring you, would you not feel upset?

tossing in the digital element doesnt make the treatment any better.

[blas87]

That's not the same, I must respectfully disagree.

I am not purposely or intentionally ignoring a person by already having plans or already being behind the wheel driving or already at the store. One could argue I am because I keep driving instead of answering, but it's illegal and dangerous, or I chat with the cashier and pay instead of immediately respond, but I'm not about to be rude to a cashier who is helping me because I have a needy friend or bf texting me.

If someone wants to get mad that their contacting me doesn't make me drop everything and pay attention to them, that's their problem. I have a life and I'm entitled to do whatever I want with my time. I try to be accomodating to other's free time, but I will not NOT go about my normal routine or run errands because my bf is going to wake up and want to talk.

[Boozy]

Asking us if you're bothering us is what bothers us; certainly far more than just texting/messaging us.

I am sad to say that I've dropped friends from my life for being too needy like that.

Sometimes I'm tired and distracted, and I don't have time to handle these emotionally fragile little creatures the way they need to be handled to feel good about themselves. Sometimes all I can handle is a quick, "Yep" in response to a question, not "Yes my dear, that is no problem at all and please do not worry yourself about being a nuisance. You are very important to me and your presence is never a bother."

If you have severe self-esteem issues, those are YOUR issues. Do not expect friends to enable that kind of behaviour. Seek professional help.

[siead_lietrathua]

is it enabling their behavior to say, instead of off-hand statements, to reply that you are busy/tired/etc and are unable to talk right now? im not talking about catering to people, i'm talking about common curdosy.
maybe i'm being hypersensitive about this. between my posts on here yesterday, i had someone exhibit the same behavior i was talking about over a skype-webcam conversation. mid conversation they got up, gathered their items, left the room, turned off the lights, and did not return for 5 minutes, though i had no idea if they were coming back at all.
how could that not make someone, even someone without a mental concern, feel like they were treated as unimportant? or make them wonder if they had done something offensive unintentionally?
then again, maybe this is just me. i was always taught that if someone needs to talk to you and you are unable to because you are busy, tired, or otherwise unable to give them your attention then you just arrange to talk another time.

[Boozy]

Apologies for the confusion, Siead. My post was referring only to Andara's comment about people who request constant reassurances via text message (or otherwise) that they aren't a bother.

I would say that someone abruptly leaving a Skype conversation without any indication of a reason, and without saying goodbye, is displaying very rude behaviour. Although I'd imagine it's less because they don't like you or you've bothered them than it is a sign of social retardation. Some people don't know how to communicate in polite society.

[siead_lietrathua]

it's ok boozy. i was just tapping off the last said statement in the thread. no confusion had.

but thats part of the flaw i find with comunication nowadays. most people i find that have a problem with people complaining about them not being able to talk are the same people that claim to make themselves available 24/7 through msn, texting or etc.
if you cant talk on msn, dont turn it on. if you cant text to someone, tell them not right now. people will only come to you when you are availible if the boundries are in place. its also a part of polite communication.

(all cases of "you" are generic, of course)

[Boozy]

I think it depends on the type of communication medium being used. I may be available to receive text messages all day, but I can't necessarily respond right away. I treat texting like e-mail - the recipient gets my message, and will respond when it's convenient.

Skype is a telephone replacement, but a bit different. My phone is hooked up 24-7, but don't expect me to answer it all the time, even if I'm home. If I'm logged onto Skype, however, it means I'm available to take calls. If I'm not willing to chat, I'll log off.

I guess other people use Skype differently.

[Andara Bledin]

how could that not make someone, even someone without a mental concern, feel like they were treated as unimportant? or make them wonder if they had done something offensive unintentionally?

I'm a touch insecure and I think these things. But I'm also smart enough to know that I'm a touch insecure, and rather than burdening my erstwhile chat partner with my problems, I sideline them until I have some sort of evidence of lack (as opposed to lack of evidence) to indicate that the other side is actually upset with me in some way.

There's enough trouble in the world as it is, I certainly don't need to go borrowing more.

I guess other people use Skype differently.

I've noticed that a good number of contacts on my list are on 24/7... they never shut it down. And a few more will shut down... 2 or 3 days later when they realize that they forgot to do so when they originally left.

I make a point of going Invis when I'm planning to not be at my keyboard. Due to the way Skype doesn't store messages (only passing them when both parties are logged in), I'm loathe to actually log out entirely as several of my contacts send random messages when I'm not online and I do the same back.

^-.-^

[blas87]

I quit using messengers of any kind because with some people, I couldn't even be on for a milisecond before the "Hello? Hello? HELLO!" started. How dare I hop in the shower without putting myself as away first.

I agree with Boozy. If you're so sensitive and insecure you think you are a bother to anyone and need to apologize for your own existence, you need professional help. I'm not miss Susy Sunshine Happy Girl but I don't apologize for who I am and I think it's one of the most unattractive, annoying things a person can do is have to be constantly reassured that they aren't a bother. Especially when it's a double-edged sword like I mentioned earlier, you ignore the insecure remarks hoping the person stops it, and they just get upset that you don't reassure them, if you enable them with "No no, it's ok" they get worse and worse.

[DrFaroohk]

The thing is it's hard to tell with some people. I enjoy hearing "Sorry I'm bugging you". It lets me know that they know I'm busy and they don't just assume i'm there waiting for the chance to please them. Other people get offended by it.

Some people act like you're a huge waste of their time because of the extra two seconds it took to say "Sorry I'm bugging you". Those types of people deserve to be in horrible car accidents.

[blas87]

You've got to take a second and realize that you may be over-reacting. I doubt most people even think you're as much of a bother as you think they think you are.

I used to have a lot of self esteem issues. I'm nowhere near perfectly happy with myself, but I saw how many people I drove away with my incessant need for attention and assurance that everything was ok. Living alone has really helped me in being secure and confident in knowing I can do a lot on my own, and I've become a lot happier with who I am knowing I am happier with myself.

And now, probably Karma biting me in the ass, I have a social circle of a lot of past versions of myself. It's irritating. I can't believe I was ever that needy and insecure.

[Greenday]

My most annoyingly insecure friend just IMed me. Here's the beginning of the conversation:

Her "Hi?"
Me "Hello"
Her "Am I bothering you?"
Me "no"
Her "Should I fuck off?"
Me "no"

Every. fucking. conversation. I mean, does anyone else see something that'd indicate that she's bothering me?

[Canarr]

@Greenday: get what you mean. Being an armchair psychologist myself, I'd say that's the kind of person Andara thought of when she suggested to seek professional help.

While I agree that people with that much of a need to be constantly reassured are bothersome, s_l is right in pointing out that many people seem to forget common courtesy, especially in digital communication (email, IMs, texts).

There's a lot of things that bother me when people disregard them:

1. Punctuation and capital letters. They were invented for a reason, please use them.
2. Correct spelling. Unless you're severely dyslexic, re-read what you're planning to write, and correct any typos you've made.
3. Use words, not letters. Writing me a message consisting of, "Hi how r u" will severely reduce the chance of me actually replying.

To me, it's a matter of respect towards the person you're talking to. Write in complete, coherent sentences, with correct spelling and grammar. It doesn't take that much extra time, and people are less likely to think you're and idiot.

As to the use of IMs in general... hm. I mostly use ICQ, and when I get home, I boot up my PC and I'm online in ICQ. Sometimes I'll hold conversations with friends, sometimes just send a quick note somewhere, sometimes I'm not using it at all, just being generelly available. Still, I'm not at my keyboard all the time; I may be tidying up the apartment, or watching a movie, or playing a game, and only check up on ICQ occasionally. My regular contacts know that me not responding instantly means I'm not there right now. I will answer when I see a message, but that may take a while.

As to the getting up in the middle of a conversation, I'm with s_l. If you're talking to someone via IM, you should extend the same courtesy to them that you would if the medium were different - a quick "brb" or "afk" or "Dinner!" will let them know that you're gone for the moment, and all's well. You don't have to say, "So, off to take a dump!", but give them a quick heads-up that you have something else to do right now, and if THEY feel like they need to take a dump, they'll know that now's the time.

Again, it's just polite to do so.

Of course, if both parties *know* that the conversation is just some smalltalk between other tasks, that's not necessary, since the other person already realizes that you'll be gone between messages.

Still, people who message you with, "Hi? - Hello? - Anybody there? - HELLO????" in the span of three minutes are annoying as hell. I'll answer your message when I see it, flooding me with messages isn't going to make that go any faster.