Respect And Obligation

[blas87]

I couldn't think of a good title for what happened today. So I will just use the words my mom threw at me as a title.

Basically, I was once again called "selfish" because as a grown adult, I try to refuse to do something my parents ask me to do. It's happened before, they wanted me to stay a week at their house because they didn't want to kennel the dog while they were on vacation, they wanted me to pick them up from the airport when I had to be working, which may not seem like big favors to you guys, but if you knew my parents and their "family values" and parenting skills, if you so much as question them or try to get out of something, you're in deep, deep shit.

Even at nearly 25 years old, if I tell my mom "no" or say I don't want to, I get called selfish, screamed at for not being "family oriented", and all the sundry that goes with it.

So, my cousin, one of the ones I've posted about before, is getting married and is having a bridal shower the day after my birthday. As it is, I was planning something with my boyfriend on my birthday, and don't really care to have to make him leave early in the morning and force myself to get up early and ready to drive an hour to deal with people I can't stand, and who have also been nasty to my mother her entire life.

But because "they are faaaaaamily!", I'm being selfish and immature. And, it's out of "Respect and Obligation" that I show up.

They only showed up to my grad party when I was 18 because there was free booze and food. They barely spoke to me. This particular cousin has been nasty to me ever since I poked fun at the damn Bears this football season. Her sister is equally nasty, and has always made fun of me for being skinnier and better looking than her. No, I am not being stuck on myself, there were many family gatherings that, when I was younger and had to go or be grounded, I was called anorexic, big boobed bimbo, slutty Barbie, all kinds of mean names because I look better in my clothes than my cousins. Oh, and the fact that my entire adult life, I've NEVER needed a man or his money to take care of me. They hate that I don't follow the gold-digging trend that they've set for their side of the family's women.

Sure, it IS a little immature, and I could be the bigger person. But I really don't care about being that person. I already said I'd go to the wedding reception later in the spring. And I know if we do go, even if mom promises we will only stop by to eat and give gifts (hahaha, like I'm going to spend money on that), we'll be bullied into staying, and my aunt will do nothing but try to humiliate my mother the entire time we're there. That's all that woman EVER does is live to humiliate my mom. It's her aunt, my great aunt, just to be clear.

My mom finally put her foot down when Nanna died that NO MORE holidays with those awful people, because of years of humilation and torture when we were there. So I challenged her, if she no longer felt the need to be respectful and be obligated to spend the holidays with them, why are we now? Oh, that's right, I have to be the better person and show that I am "above" grudges and dysfunction in the family.

If you wanna call me a selfish brat, I don't care. If you wanna call me immature, I don't care either. I heard it all morning already. And if being selfish means I pick my birthday and boyfriend over my crazy extended family, then I am as selfish as all get out!

[BlaqueKatt]

blas preservation of sanity is by no means selfish. It would however be selfish of your cousin to expect you to put aside your plans for your special day, because hers is somehow "more special"....if that makes sense.

I know what your going through, to an extent. I've been called selfish for not wanting to combine my birthday with someone's who has a later one( i want my own, not to be overshadowed, especially when the person in question has FIVE separate birthday parties every year, and I don't even get one-it's been 10 years since I've had any kind of birthday thing), and for being upset that my SIL planned her wedding for the exact same day as mine(my wedding was planned before she even met her husband), and for being upset that she had her labor induced at 10pm so she could have her baby on my birthday, because she couldn't stand that I was going to be the center of attention for a few hours(she actually called and screamed at my husband, who was getting ready to take me out because she was alone for an entire hour and had just had a baby, and it wasn't fair that I was getting attention, yes he left me alone on my birthday)

[blas87]

That perpetual one-upping and "Everything is about ME!" attitude is one of the main reasons I am staying away. And I wish my mom realized that as an adult, I've seen how they treat her, and I don't like that she thinks she needs to be subjected to verbal abuse because it's "family".

I tried to argue with her, you wouldn't let a friend or spouse treat you that way, why allow it just because you share the same blood? Blood and relation is no excuse to treat people like dirt.

[Greenday]

So, my cousin, one of the ones I've posted about before, is getting married and is having a bridal shower the day after my birthday. As it is, I was planning something with my boyfriend on my birthday, and don't really care to have to make him leave early in the morning and force myself to get up early and ready to drive an hour to deal with people I can't stand, and who have also been nasty to my mother her entire life.

But because "they are faaaaaamily!", I'm being selfish and immature. And, it's out of "Respect and Obligation" that I show up.

Respect for what? Are they doing something special that deserves recognition? You know, not something that plenty of people do every single day and in this day and age doesn't mean much anymore?

Obligation? For what reason would you be obligated? Did you tell them yes before and now you don't want to go? Otherwise, there's no obligation.

Family has a different definition for me than it does other people. Family are people you are close with who are there for you and are good to you. Your cousins don't seem to fit that definition.

As far as your mom, next time she calls you selfish, just respond, "Yes I am. What's your point?" I've had to pull that on my mom before and I just respond to it with something along the lines of "I don't care, I honestly don't. I don't care if people think I'm selfish, that's their problem."

[Talon]

Your pa-RANTS are ego-projecting so hard they could point themselves at a wall and show off powerpoint presentations. They are the ones being selfish and disrespectful.

Not only do you have the right to be selfish from time to time, it's perfectly healthy.

I'd suggest doing what my brother does, when mom starts in on this shit. Walk away. If it's on the phone, hang up. While you can't change them, you can train them.

[Mytical]

Duty and obligation. Very important words. If you give your word, you have a duty and obligation to see it through if at all humanly possible. If a close family member is in an accident or left stranded, a person should go to pick them up. One should love family, but that doesn't mean one has to like them.

To sum this up..if there is an emergency and you can help..you should. A wedding is not an emergency. You have no duty or obligation about any wedding besides maybe your own should that ever take place.

Now..the semi 'tough love bit' Might want to skip the rest of this, because I'm known to speak my mind about things. Your parents will probably treat you like a child forever, until you put your foot down. It will hurt them, it will be hard, but until you do the grown up thing and say "Enough." ... and stick to your guns..it is most likely to continue.

Oh there are a million excuses why you can't. Don't want to hurt them, having to deal with the pity game, etc etc etc. All very good. very valid reasons. The truth is..until you let them know you will not be treated like a child, and stick to your guns..they have no reason not to continue to do as they do. You don't have to give me a reason why you can't. It's your life..do or do not...it is your decision. We here will have the same respect for you either way.

It's easy for me to give advice, I mean..I am not dealing with the situation. You are. So if you ignore the advice, or think I should get a swift kick..that is your right.

[Gravekeeper]

Yes, there's certainly selfishness and immaturity here, but its certainly not you it's coming from. >.>

I'm honested impressed you've lasted this long.

[blas87]

Oh, believe me, I would love nothing else than to literally put my foot down and say "You know, I'm a real adult now, not a kid anymore, so there's really no good reason for you to be raising your voice and shaming me and calling me selfish every time I try to stand up for myself and say no."

Is it cowardice I haven't? Sure it is. You betcha. I'm afraid Mom would do what she does best and over-react and I'd be at the very least temporarily disenfranchised, with no one to help me if I needed it or to ask questions to or to see my pets anymore.

Unfortunately, my mom was raised this backwards "Respect" way, so her beliefs are backwards that someone always owes someone for every little thing. She also has the temper of a wild woman, while she's been better through the past couple years, she still will tick and if she hears something she doesn't like, the foot goes stomp and she huffs and opens that mouth up wide and starts that yelling.

Funny thing, just a week ago, she was telling me the story of how her grandmother (who raised her and it was a living Hell) was still trying to control her in her 20s and tell her what she'd be going to school for and where she'd live and whatnot, and how she was afraid she'd end up with nowhere else to turn if she disobeyed Nanna. Stupid as it sounds, this is how I feel, if God forbid something happens or whatever and I need somewhere to turn, unfortunately, my family has this stupid "You always do as I say because we are family and if you dare say NO, you are NOT being family-like!"

[Gravekeeper]

Stupid as it sounds, this is how I feel, if God forbid something happens or whatever and I need somewhere to turn, unfortunately, my family has this stupid "You always do as I say because we are family and if you dare say NO, you are NOT being family-like!"

The term for this is not "family", it's "feudalism". -.-

[blas87]

I'm aware it's not how normal family or relationships work. But there is just something about both of my parents (though Dad is much, much easier going) and their ideals of "family" that are just....too old school and so....I don't know, manipulative seeming? I don't understand the whole always owing someone for being a family member, or always thinking you can tell your kid what to do once they are on their own, or thinking that it's still ok to raise your voice and start with the name-calling when your kid tries to stand up for themself.

[Gravekeeper]

I'm not sure old school is the term. "Dynsfunctional", sure. My dad's side of the family is "old school" and they're all constantly in each other's business and living rooms. But they would never demand obligation of each other.

[Rageaholic]

I question anyones sanity if they think not wanting to cut your birthday short to spend time with people who hate you is selfish. Especially since you're living indepenent of them. Even if you weren't, I'd still think you'd have the right to question such a request. "family values" and "respect and honor" just sound like bullshit words for "do what we say and don't expect anything in return". Quite frankly, I'm sick of parents who think that just because they brought you into the world, they can expect anything of you. It's emotional blackmail at it's finest and not healthy at all.

[blas87]

Amen to that.

As soon as I can, I'm going to ask my brother how he handles it, though he's always been favored over me and has gotten away with more. I fear it may be "too late" for me to just walk away or tell them "Quit the yelling or I'm leaving."

[SkullKing]

Amen to that.

As soon as I can, I'm going to ask my brother how he handles it, though he's always been favored over me and has gotten away with more. I fear it may be "too late" for me to just walk away or tell them "Quit the yelling or I'm leaving."

It is never too late for that.

Making you believe that is one way of controlling you.

Also, if ever you put you foot down, tell your mother that you feel the way your grandmother made her feel.

When she calms down she will probably give that a thought.

[LexiaFira]

in response to the OP
you are not selfish blas. that is my dad's side of the family. until they bothered to learn the truth, myself and my mom were the black sheep of the family because of what my bio-dad had told them. and until he finally fessed up they would look down their noses at us for daring to speak to my grandmother.

not anymore
after finally telling them one thanksgiving to politely shove it. so no, you are not selfish. respect is earned even in family. why show up if you KNOW its just going to be for pain? verbal and emotional