Respect And Obligation

[jackfaire]

My paternal Grandmother was throwing Thanksgiving in the years following my dad's passing. It would be nice if it had been to help out my mom but rather it was to control everything like she always liked to do.

I went twice and after the second time told my mom, "I am an adult I don't like the woman and she has 0 right to order me on how she wants me to live my life so I won't be going over there and won't really speak with her. I suggest you do the same."

I honestly think it's the first time it had ever occured to my mom that you could do that. She was raised in one of those families of "respect and obligation"

For that matter so was I; but the difference in me and my parents was I decided early on that treating me like shit means you have lost any of my respect and are no longer worthy enough of my presence at your event.

It's not at all selfish not wanting to go. It's selfish that your cousin is doing it so close to your birthday and expecting you to be there. I mean a week later I could understand but the day after yeah tell her tough patootie!

[blas87]

I don't think she purposely picked that day because it's the day after my bday.

While my mom was berating me for wanting to enjoy my bday and not cut it short, I was replaying in my head when my mom found out that the wedding reception is months later, the same weekend of my parents' anniversary, my mom had been squealing like an angry bird because she thought that was planned on purpose against my mom.

[blas87]

Thought I'd bump this, since it was this weekend.

So my mom went. And I knew this would be a possbility.

She gave me a lecture tonight about how wonderful of a time it was, I should have went, my cousins acted so mature and were so polite and have grown up and gotten over their problem, so now I am the problem and the one holding a grudge.

Bull. Shit.

[Canarr]

Just tell her that one instance of improved behavior is not necessarily indicative of a change; it might just be a statistical anomaly. If she goes to another 10-15 of these functions - with a detailed report after each one - then you might have enough data to make a scientifically based decision on whether or not your cousins truly have changed. Until then, you'll just withhold your opinion on the topic.

Of course, since she's a woman - and your mother to boot - this kind of logic sleight-of-hand probably won't work... still, kudos to you for sticking to your guns. I, too, have relatives I don't care to see and never will, so I understand where you're coming from.

[Mishi]

Just tell her that one instance of improved behavior is not necessarily indicative of a change; it might just be a statistical anomaly. If she goes to another 10-15 of these functions - with a detailed report after each one - then you might have enough data to make a scientifically based decision on whether or not your cousins truly have changed. Until then, you'll just withhold your opinion on the topic.

It's a good idea and is quite fair, all things considered.

That's actually what I've said to my Dad and the rest of my family about my mother, except it's a minimum of 2 years of changed behaviour before we will have any contact with her. So far, the best she's done is a few weeks of good behaviour with loads of positive reinforcement, and then relapsed.

[blas87]

I've told my mom that this is some sort of forced scripted "Happy family" image...or my one cousin is acting more human because she finally got a man to reciprocate her feelings (well, actually, she wears the pants, so..), because some people get nicer when they aren't single anymore, ya know? My mom HERSELF just weeks ago was hypothesizing that there is a conspiracy going on of everyone acting nicey nicey and happy to put on a good front for the wedding and whatnot. And, sorry, but if cousin was asking for "donations" to her destination wedding at her shower....she has not matured.

Nope, she wouldn't have that theory. They have truly matured and changed. And don't you forget, *I* need to work on that.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

[powerboy]

Yeah, my mom is somewhat that way. She can do whatever the hell she wants and if she don't want to. Then by all means she wont do it. But If I try to say No to something that she asking of me, then I am being mean. Well fuck, if I have plans, I am not going to cancel.

[aurelemsrealm]

Respect should be a two-way street of give and take, though. I certainly wouldn't oblige myself to anyone who treated me as you described these people treating you. I imagine I would avoid them as well. I just do not have any desire to be around people I dislike. I believe the best way to show I can rise above such nonsense is to stay away from situations in which I would encounter it. That just seems like a matter of common sense to me. I already know I have a low tolerance for such behaviors, and I'm not inclined to hold back on expressing my opinions when faced with these types of scenarios. So, I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to cancel your plans to be with those particular family members. I wouldn't either.