why is that nice girl with that jerk?

[BlaqueKatt]

This statement causes me to see red at times.

As I am sadly one of the people this is said about, a lot.

So, why am I with someone that doesn't treat me very well:

I am twice divorced(possibly soon to be three times)*.
I suffer from severe depression.
I have Autism.
I am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict.
I have never been to college at age 36.
I have a 10 year-old son that I never see from a previous marriage.
I am unable to have any more children.
I was severely abused as a child/teenager.
I used to be a stripper.

So yes, I am a nice person, but as soon as any "so-called nice guy", finds out about any one of the above things(which I do not hide), I'm labeled as "damaged goods", and any possibility of a relationship is destroyed. I'm judged unworthy before I even get a chance. You all know me from here and CS, some of you even know what I look like, yet knowing the above how many would actually even consider asking me on a date? I'm guessing close to none, so no matter how much of a "nice person" I am, it doesn't matter one damn bit. No "so-called nice guy" wants anything to do with me once they actually know me.

However; a guy that's a "jerk", isn't so quick to judge me, and dismiss me, so unlike the "nice guy", he gives me a chance(probably because I am nice and will overlook more jerky behavior than most). And for all the crap my husband puts me through, there are still times when he does something so sweet, it erases all the negative things. Unlike the "nice guys" that got to know me over the phone or as a friend, and once they found out even one of the above list of "defects" I never got a second date(oftentimes not even a first), or called again.

*my first divorce was because I was tired of being a punching bag, second one, I was a "godless heathen" and my MIL ORDERED him to divorce me, this one if it happens is because my current husband wants kids, and he knew when he married me I am unable to do so anymore. So none of them are my fault, yet it doesn't matter, I'm still judged as if they were.

[HYHYBT]

If it helps any, most people seem to think I'm a nice guy and I wouldn't hold any of that list against you. That you're female, though, would be a problem

[Greenday]

See, the problem I have with that question is that it's normally applied to people 22 and younger (college and high school). I don't really have much experience outside of those so I don't know, maybe it keeps going once you are an adult. But usually, it's someone who doesn't have a history of anything bad (And I don't consider everything you listed even as bad.).

For instance, I have multiple friends who grew up with both parents who treated them well, never had any previous problems, but they still dated guys that'd treat them like shit. And they'd bitch and bitch and bitch about how mean he is to her. But it's all okay, because once in a blue moon he'd buy her flowers or say he loves her or some shit.

[cewfa]

I have Asperger's Syndrome and I know how you feel. I don't want to de-rail your thread though, so I won't elaborate.

[tropicsgoddess]

The problem is with the good ones being with the jerks is that the jerks can seem nice at first. But after things get comfortable they show their asses and once in a blue moon do something nice to make you forget all the shitty stuff they said and/or did to keep you thinking they're good when really they're not. The sad truth is that it takes a while for the good ones to really see the jerks for what they really are and leave, not only the good girls but the guys too. I hate seeing the good people with the jerk off partners, it's just sad. It sucks that the so-called good guys look at you as damaged goods. I'll be brutally honest, if those "good guys" think that you're damaged goods because of your Autism, being a former stripper, etc. then they're the ones that are defected. A REAL good guy will love and accept for who you are and will never judge you.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I'll be brutally honest, if those "good guys" think that you're damaged goods because of your Autism, being a former stripper, etc. then they're the ones that are defected. A REAL good guy will love and accept for who you are and will never judge you.

Yeah, beat me to it. I'm not sure how "good" those "good guys" are.

[Mytical]

It is easy to say that I would date you in a heartbeat. If things were different it would be true. Currently I am taken though, so that is of course not much help to you. So..instead I hope you do not mind me saying something.

You are under estimating how beautiful and wonderful you really are. Now I hate to sound like a 'guy' right now, but lets take the stripper thing. Strippers are generally very attractive, they pretty much have to be. I am sure there are exceptions, and I have never seen a picture of you, but I am positive you are attractive. Most guys would be very happy to have somebody who is good looking enough to have been a stripper beside them.

So you have a past? A true good guy does not care. They will treat you with respect and love, regardless of mistakes made in the past..because the past is the past. We've all made mistakes.

You do not know how wonderful you are, and I wish I could let you see what the rest of us see. As for how you are treated in your current relationship, I don't know enough to give any advise. If the good outweighs the bad, and there is no abuse, then it doesn't really matter if the person is considered a jerk or not. What matters is what YOU think.

[Greenday]

being a former stripper

I'm unsure why anyone would think this is a bad thing. Quite the opposite really.

[guywithashovel]

I wouldn't hold any of that against you, BlaqueKatt.

However, the fact that some guy might opt out of dating you because of some of those things really doesn't make him a jerk (really sorry if saying this is inappropriate). Take the unable to have kids one. If he's really hoping to have kids, then you're probably not right for him. On the other hand, I might get along with a woman really well and think she's really nice, but if she's hoping to have three or four kids, then I'm really not the guy for her.

For what it's worth, though, I'm sorry you're in this sitatuation, and I hope things get better.

[SkullKing]

You know, it annoys me for a different reason.

Sometimes the girl knows something the speaker doesn´t. Many times that phrase is uttered the people is very quick to judge.

First impressions aren´t always right.

As for those who actually are whith a jerk. Many people underestimate how much some people need affection, and how hard it can be to find it.

[BlaqueKatt]

I'm unsure why anyone would think this is a bad thing. Quite the opposite really.

due to the stereotype of "strippers=whores/sluts", never mind that I did it to cover my then husband's tuition, and I was pregnant(quit when I started to show).

Take the unable to have kids one. If he's really hoping to have kids, then you're probably not right for him

yeah and a couple of the guys that wouldn't date me because of that, well the girls they picked to start a family with, couldn't. one of them lost an almost paid off house paying for fertility treatments and 4 rounds of IVF that didn't take, and she left him. He tried coming back after I had married my current husband, because he "really loved me", and all I said to him was "karma", and walked away.

took me a year after my first divorce to even get a date, took two years after my second(and the divorce itself took a year), I didn't even try to start dating until at minimum 6 months after it was finalized.

[HYHYBT]

I'm unsure why anyone would think [former stripper] is a bad thing. Quite the opposite really.

Because people are idiots and don't know the difference between a stripper and a prostitute.

[BlaqueKatt]

Because people are idiots and don't know the difference between a stripper and a prostitute.

That and because some people are insecure about their bodies, they can't fathom someone that wouldn't be, and some people try to force their morals on other people, so if you aren't 100% covered from head to toe you're obviously a tramp. Oddly enough while I was working as a stripper, I got a ton of flak from other women, telling me being proud of my body was "degrading" to women.

[Greenday]

due to the stereotype of "strippers=whores/sluts"

Don't whores and sluts usually sleep with a lot of guys? I'm not entirely sure what that has to do with stripping.

[Mytical]

Neither does any other sane person Greenday, sadly there are a lot of not so sane people in the world..and thus stereotypes are born.