why is that nice girl with that jerk?

[Boozy]

This statement causes me to see red at times.

As I am sadly one of the people this is said about, a lot.

So, why am I with someone that doesn't treat me very well

I am twice divorced(possibly soon to be three times)*.
I suffer from severe depression.
I have Autism.
I am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict.
I have never been to college at age 36.
I have a 10 year-old son that I never see from a previous marriage.
I am unable to have any more children.
I was severely abused as a child/teenager.
I used to be a stripper.

I have a few questions about this. Are you saying that you are currently in a relationship with a jerk because no one else will have you? Are you saying this is a valid reason to be in a bad relationship?

I can't understand this. Have you considered spending time alone? You've never struck me as the type of person who needs a man to feel complete.

My second question is is about this statement:

So yes, I am a nice person, but as soon as any "so-called nice guy", finds out about any one of the above things(which I do not hide), I'm labeled as "damaged goods", and any possibility of a relationship is destroyed.

May I ask how early in a relationship you reveal all of this? Because I have to say, if you present a man with the list above on the first or even second date, he can hardly be blamed for running. You need to give people a chance to get to know you and your good qualities before essentially presenting them with a list of reasons a relationship with you might be a hassle.

I once had a man tell me that he was sexually abused as a child - on our first date. I did not see him again. It wasn't because I have a problem with his history; it was because I had a problem with his sense of boundaries. You do not tell people about your sexual abuse within several hours of meeting them. First dates are for talking about weather, books, and movies.

The information you listed are hardly deal-breakers for most people. There are people with far more baggage than that in wonderful relationships. It's all how you present it. If you wait for the appropriate time, and broach the subject positively and within sounding defensive or depressed about it, you really shouldn't be having any problems with the majority of men.

[bara]

Hell, depending on why a woman felt she had to turn to prostitution, she may still be a stand up person.
Strippers... well. Those girls need to pay for college and lets face it, the pay should be pretty damn good.

[guywithashovel]

As for when to reveal all of that information, I'm a little torn about the inability to have more children. That is, I'm torn on when would be the right time to bring it up.

Maybe I'm thinking about this wrong, but this seems like it could be a double-edged sword. If she brought it up too soon, he might think "What the hell? We're just having coffee together!" But then, if she waited too long, he might feel like she's been leading him on or wasting his time (if he has high hopes of having kids with someone, that is).

[SkullKing]

You know, I actually have absolutely nothing against prostitutes, morally speaking.

I honestly don´t see anything wrong with it.

I understand not wanting to date someone who is still doing it, If you want a monogamous relationship, or think it is too much of a health risk.

But frankly, I see nothing morally wrong with it.

[Andara Bledin]

As for when to reveal all of that information, I'm a little torn about the inability to have more children. That is, I'm torn on when would be the right time to bring it up.

There is a point in a relationship, and it's different for everybody, where the subject of children will come up. Maybe it's during a conversation about each other's families, or while discussing friends'/coworkers' pregnancies, or even while sharing information about medical conditions (because sometimes, it comes up), but there are natural places where discussing whether you, personally, are interested in having children would naturally follow. There are other times where making such a statement would seem out of place and potentially creepy depending on how the subject was broached and the statement made.

Honestly, there is nothing particularly shattering in any of that list.

I imagine most people can also claim at least half of that list to varying degrees.

Also, like Boozy, I don't really understand a desire to not be alone that is so strong that anyone would put up with poor or abusive treatment just to escape it.

^-.-^

[Mytical]

While I might ask that an ex 'lady of the night' get tested for diseases (sorry that is a must)..I'd have no problems dating one..or even marrying one. Yes I'd much prefer those days be over, but the past is the past to me.

[BlaqueKatt]

Have you considered spending time alone?

I've spent a large portion of my life alone, I don't do well alone. I forget to do basic things like eat and sleep, it just doesn't cross my mind to do so(and due to a history of an eating disorder, I don't "feel hungry"), also Maslow's hierarchy of needs
, love and friendship is a BASIC human need, we've already been over in previous threads that I really don't have friends, and due to my childhood, if I don't have a significant other, I don't have love or comfort.

May I ask how early in a relationship you reveal all of this? Because I have to say, if you present a man with the list above on the first or even second date, he can hardly be blamed for running. <snip> If you wait for the appropriate time, and broach the subject positively and within sounding defensive or depressed about it, you really shouldn't be having any problems with the majority of men.

The autism sometimes causes me to overshare, because apparently I don't understand when the "right time" actually is. Some of it is required by the online dating services I signed up for in the past(previous marriages, education level), and a lot of times the only suggestion for a first date was "lets go get drinks", I decline suggesting coffee or something else, and end up having to defend my refusal to go out to a bar with explaining I've had issues with alcohol. I live in a college town, in a state where drinking is a huge thing, and you end up as some sort of pariah if you don't drink, honestly we actually have a "dating service" here in town you can join called "just drinks", you meet your date at a local bar, have a few and go home.

Wisconsin is the top binge drinking state in the US
UW madison is #6 for top party colleges
Milwaukee, WI is the #3 drunkest city in the US

Comedian Lewis Black actually has a part in his stand up where he refers to wisconsin drinkers as "professionals" and says we aren't alcoholics.

Also, like Boozy, I don't really understand a desire to not be alone that is so strong that anyone would put up with poor or abusive treatment just to escape it.

You're not me, you probably didn't grow up raising yourself due to parental issues, I have spent more than 3/4 of my life alone(been alone for 19 out of 36 years), as in TOTALLY alone, no friends no family*, just me and my thoughts-which is not as fun as some people would think. I learned to cook at age 6 because I had to or I'd have starved, spent my summers as a "hired hand" on a farm(they were friends of the family, I did my chores and got food and a place to sleep) had a full-time job at age 16 to pay rent and other bills. I was "on my own" from age 6 to age 20, married for a year, divorced, more or less alone(dated here and there) age 21-24, remarried, redivorced at age 26, met current husband at age 28.

*A mother that was passed out drunk when I got home from school every day because she didn't work, and a step father that came home from the bar around 8pm at night, if I was lucky he'd just pass out. Doesn't count as family, my sister just didn't care(she was forever staying at friend's houses and went into foster care when I was 8, I wasn't taken away from my "parents" until I was 14, then at 16 I was sent "home". Home was an apartment I had to pay rent on because my mom spent the child support checks on booze, and lived somewhere else, she merely signed the lease.

[Andara Bledin]

I would think, in a location that bad, that barring legal measures preventing such, moving somewhere less awful would be preferable to settling for jerks.

^-.-^

[BlaqueKatt]

I would think, in a location that bad, that barring legal measures preventing such, moving somewhere less awful would be preferable to settling for jerks.

That takes money and the ability to get a job that I could make enough to support myself with where I would move to(My only skills are making media for laboratories, which they usually want a degree for some reason, and cashiering/customer service, and the CSR skills are old, as in haven't done it in over 5 years). Currently My husband and I are in marriage counseling, and if it doesn't work out, I can't even afford to live here on what I make, rent is too high(a 125 sq ft studio is $575/month-I make about $1000/month take home), and even now I'm living paycheck to paycheck so saving money to move isn't possible.

[Teysa]

If you don't have your heart set on staying in Wisconsin indefinitely, you might check out Alcon Labs in Fort Worth, Texas. The cost of living here is not bad at all. That $575 you're paying for rent now would get you a very decent place here. It won't be anything super high end, but it should still be in a safe neighborhood.

I do agree with some of the others that you're being a bit hard on yourself. You seem like a really decent person. In fact, I have a feeling that you'd make an excellent friend. You strike me as someone who has a lot of loyalty.

As for your husband, I hope the counseling works out for both of you and that he learns what a treasure he has and treats you in the good way that you deserve.

[SkullKing]

Also, like Boozy, I don't really understand a desire to not be alone that is so strong that anyone would put up with poor or abusive treatment just to escape it.

Loneliness can be a terrible thing.

It can be dificult for no-lonelly people to understand. But it is a very real feeling.

[jackfaire]

You all know me from here and CS, some of you even know what I look like, yet knowing the above how many would actually even consider asking me on a date?

No idea what you look like but none of the list would cause me not to date you. I have dated girls' with pasts before. I even married one.

For me it's never about what you did or who you were. It's about who you are now and who you will be in the future. We all have our pasts.

That being said I will admit I am a rarity.

I have noticed a trend like this among my friends too though. Those of us that have been through some stuff tend to become close and develop lifelong friendships those that have led more innocent lives tend to not get us and start avoiding.

[Greenday]

For me it's never about what you did or who you were. It's about who you are now and who you will be in the future. We all have our pasts.

I go by this theory and every girl I've dated/been with has had a very long past history of stuff that might make them "undesirable" to some guys. The problem was that they brought it all into our relationship and couldn't leave the past in the past and had to constantly bring it up and make it a big deal in our relationship.

[AdminAssistant]

The problem was that they brought it all into our relationship and couldn't leave the past in the past and had to constantly bring it up and make it a big deal in our relationship.

Fiance was treated...badly...by his last fiance. As in "I cheated on you and now I'm pregnant, so I'm going to marry this other guy. Oh by the way, get tested." badly. About six months into our relationship, I was just fucking tired of living with her ghost. I finally had to sit down with him and say, "I'm not her. You aren't in a relationship with her anymore, you're with me. If you don't come to accept that soon, then you won't be with me much longer." That got the message through.

[blas87]

Well, Katt, as of now, I'm moving back with the folks at the end of May, and won't have to pay rent (afaik). Maybe we can pick a day during the summer or early fall and I can make the drive down and you can show me the Mad City.

Back on topic, I've found things to dislike about both types of guys.

Assholes.....are assholes. What attracts you is their confidence, their independent thinking and ability to be themselves and not worry, their sense of humor or whatever it is that's so loud about them. But they treat you like garbage, or just aren't what you really need, even if they meet every other need you have (like looks or humor). They usually tend to blow up and cause scenes.

"Nice Guys"...I'm gonna get flack for this and I don't even give a shit. I'm dating a "nice guy" right now. And he's about the most insecure, sensitive person I've ever met. I've been working with him a bit, and he's improved a bit on the needy part, but it's almost impossible to talk about things with him, because I never know what will set him off. And by "set him off", I mean the opposite way of the Asshole. I mean, he will turn around and walk away, or if it's on the phone, quit texting me, or sometimes he will just hang his head and keep repeatedly sighing. I mean, he's given me the silent treatment a few times and has done the "You should know what you've done!" when in all honesty, I never did a god damned thing, he interpreted something I said wrong or took it personally when it wasn't about him. So while the Nice Guy will put you first, compliment you, and treat you well, they have nearly NO self esteem, always need reassurance, always think they pissed you off OR get pissed off at you (this is if they are socially retarded) for simple statements.

It's emotionally exhausting to deal with men. I quit.