Disrespectful, Cockteasing women.

[Greenday]

I think the only defining that's needed is whether or not they're in their underwear at all. I'm not a terribly modest person (too much time spent in communal dressing rooms). But if I were to go to any kind of sleepover, I'm sleeping in pajamas. As in, stretch pants and a baggy t-shirt. Hell, I don't even like to go bra-less under the shirt when sleeping over at another's house.

Unless I'm hooking up with the woman, I wear sweats or gym shorts and usually an undershirt if I sleep with them. If a woman is laying around in lingerie and cuddling with me, I'm 99% sure sex is on the table.

[Andara Bledin]

That's fine as long as both you and the woman have the same opinions on skin.

Most of the people I tend to hang with have little to no modesty issues. Nakedness is not any sort of indication of interest; it's just a thing that happens when you're not wearing clothes. For them, sitting around in scanty undergarments while watching a movie would be no more a sign of interest than doing the same while wearing parkas.

^-.-^

[siead_lietrathua]

what i wanna know how it goes from a girl wanting to cuddle, who happens to typically be wearing sexy-cut-clothes, to she is gonna be snuggling up in victoria secret? sounds like an overactive imagination.
there is a world of diffrence between a sexual and nonsexual cuddle in body-language alone that the clothes shouldnt matter.

[Cymberleah]

As far as underwear goes, it would have to dig through my drawer to even find stuff that would be considered non-sexy. She might just be wearing what she likes to wear, and it could have no bearing on the person that she's with.

I also find it interesting that "boyfriend things" are going to movies, talking, cuddling, and that "girlfriend things" are cooking, cleaning, cuddling. More from a sociological point of view, that a man fulfills his part of the relationship by sharing his leisure time, and a woman fulfills her part of the relationship by using her leisure time to free up more leisure time for the other party.

And really, people wonder why I'm still single.

As far as the cocktease bit goes, I'm a firm believer that if she wants sex, she says "I want sex!" If the OP wants sex, he can say "I want sex!" If the other party does not want sex, that's their prerogative. If you're not getting what you want in a relationship you go look somewhere else, you don't browbeat the other party into doing what you want if that's not what *they* want. Also, what a person want can change from day to day. If you're still in the early days of being friends or in the beginning of a more intimate relationship, the other person really doesn't owe you much explanation if their wants have changed. Four hundred texts and three in person meetings doesn't guarantee you anything. Which isn't to say that she isn't being rude; it's polite to let other people know if you no longer want to play, or if you're switching to a different field. But to feel that you are owed something you want and getting upset because it is not forthcoming is really juvenile. Relationships are an investment. Some fail, and you don't get back what you've put in. That's life.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I'm not sure how disrespectful or cockteasing she is seeing as how she stated up front what she wanted.

She didn't pull a bait and switch on you. She stated she wanted to cuddle with a big guy. She has features that get you going and never stated what the dress code was. You know well endowed girls get you going, so you knew how'd you respond to that.

Now, I will give you that what she wants is probably unrealistic. A bosomy girl cuddling up to a man while dressed provocatively is going to most likely get his motor running. So she'd be better off finding a gay guy or a guy with a low sex drive if she just wants a snuggle buddy. But since she stated her desires up front, I don't know how she wronged you in any way. It's not like you didn't have the option to say no to it.

If it turns out she likes the idea of hanging out with sexually frustrated guys...well, she STILL isn't a cocktease because again, she stated her intentions up front.

Also, I will speak from experience when I say some guys think that if they play along, they will eventually get laid. I myself have known many, many guys who pretended to respect my position that there would be nothing more than platonic friendship and no sex going on, the entire time "secretly" plotting to get into my pants. (I should state for the record here that I didn't lead them on, cuddle, tease, or anything else that a male buddy would not do). So if you're that guy...and be honest with yourself about your motivations...that's a long, usually frustrating road that frequently ends in someone calling someone else a cocktease or worse.

EDIT: Okay, I spoke hastily. You found out about this after the fact, and I missed that first time around. Sorry.

However, she WAS clear up front she didn't want "that" kind of relationship. So I still stand by that you knew sex was off the table. That she considered cuddling with you is irrelevant, in my opinion. Some dudes like to cuddle. Without knowing this girl, if that's all I have to go on I will state that does not suggest disrespect to me. She wants to cuddle, you don't. As long as she respects that, I don't get why that's so awful.

[Lace Neil Singer]

As per the "sexy nightclothes" thing; what I like to wear in bed is a short nightdress that comes to mid thigh. I don't wear a bra when I put on my night attire, tho I do wear knickers. Some guys might consider that sexy; Fiance certainly does. XD But I might just be wearing it to get cosy. Someone I used to know online liked to wear babydolls to bed. Doesn't necessarily mean she wore it to titilate men; she just liked them.

[Greenday]

However, she WAS clear up front she didn't want "that" kind of relationship. So I still stand by that you knew sex was off the table.

I did not see anything in the OP's post that indicated this. She said she didn't want to date but nothing was mentioned to him about not wanting sex.

[Kheldarson]

Because when a girl says that she's not looking for a relationship because of previous relationship issues, sex is usually off the table by definition? Sex is, at a basic level, a measure of trust for yourself and the partner. She obviously either didn't trust her judgement in the previous relation or her partner, hence not wanting a new partner. Hell, not having any info about it from the OP, why are we assuming she's even had sex yet? Maybe sex is off the table period.

The only thing here that's questionable is the series of assumptions made, potentially on both sides. Cewfa seems to have assumed that he could get a romantic relationship from a girl that already said she did not want romantic relationships at the moment. He has his own set of ideas that certain things fall into a definition of said set off relationships and what don't. She assumed that he was okay with her statement and proceeded. She has her own ideas of what falls into the definition of what's in romantic relationships and what's not. It doesn't seem either discussed their ideas of romantic relationships, even in general, to get an idea of what's out of bounds and what's not...until Cewfa gets what seems to be a sexually charged bait thrown to him. Which isn't cool by his assumptions, but obviously confused her by hers. Nowhere in here can we make the assumption that sex of any type has been discussed.

[Boozy]

Because when a girl says that she's not looking for a relationship because of previous relationship issues, sex is usually off the table by definition?

In my world, "I'm not looking for a relationship" could mean anything from "I am going to pretend that men don't even exist" to "I'm not looking to settle down, but a Friday night movie date followed by sex would be quite nice". I don't think my world is a particularly strange one. I think that's how most people think.

[Canarr]

Again, need definitions. We need a line to denote where "functional" ends and "sexy" begins.

Agreed. My suggestion: all female participants in this thread post pictures of themselves in their typical night attire. We can then establish a scale, ranging from functional to sexy.

No? Darn. That one *never* works...

Seriously: to me, it depends very much both on what was said and on how it was said - meaning, body language. Also, it depends on what degree of modesty is typical in the OP's social circle. As the posters here have shown already, there's a wide range of opinions, ranging from, "Men and women never cuddle!" over "Well, as long as everyone is fully dressed, why not?" to "Well, sexy lingerie is kinda dressed, isn't it?"

Only after determining the societal norm is it possible to evaluate the degree of deviation from the norm.

Personally, my largest social circle is very much in the "Cuddling is normal while fully clothed" camp, no matter the genders involved. The standard greeting is a hug, and cuddling in a huge pile while watching a movie on a couch is perfectly normal. While couples do tend to sit together, there's nothing prohibiting singles or elements of other couples from entering the pile.
Still, it would raise eyebrows if one of the group suddenly decided to strip to their underwear, or wear less than, say, a top/t-shirt and sweatpants. That would be outside the norm, and - especially in a one on one situation - would probably be viewed as interest beyond friendship - meaning, a relationship or just sex.

Like several others, I don't equate a relationship with sex, not necessarily. And, like others, if I were in a social situation with a woman in revealing clothing (a "nighty", as the OP stated), I, too, would think that sex might be on the table. And yes, I'd try to make a move, if I found the woman attractive and weren't in a committed relationship, that is.

So, yeah, again: depends on the intitial agreement. If the girl declined a relationship, but hinted that sex might be a possibility, then she's a cocktease for just cuddling him and nothing more. If she denied sex up front, then the OP got what was promised, and she's not a cocktease.

Personally, if I were looking for either sex or a girlfriend, and a woman wanted me for a teddy bear with neither of my goals being achievable with her, I'd just politely tell her to look for another cuddle buddy. Because my chances of achieving either of my goals with a different woman would, in my eyes, be severely reduced if said other woman found out that I had regular cuddle sessions with a nighty-clad girl (and we all know, she would) because she probably wouldn't believe me that there was nothing else going on (and we all know, she wouldn't).

[siead_lietrathua]

Agreed. My suggestion: all female participants in this thread post pictures of themselves in their typical night attire. We can then establish a scale, ranging from functional to sexy.

No? Darn. That one *never* works...

thanks for the morning laugh :P

there are diffrent types of nightclothes for diffrent situations. what i wear around my hubs isnt what i would wear with friends over isnt what i would wear at my parents, ya know?
there are also diffrent nighties. my grannie wore nighties all the time. they were bigass flannel dresses that almost reached the floor and went right to her wrists. all a nightie is is a night-dress. it doesnt mean silk and lace lol. i know most modern women wouldnt wear it, but they still sell them with short sleeves and below the knee length, so its not unimaginable.

[Canarr]

Well, if you want to thank me, how about that pic?

I get what you mean by different night attire; I meant the same when I spoke of the "norm" in the OP's social circle. While I have frequently spent the night at friends' places, often with other friends of the female persuasion, they usually wore the standard t-shirt & sweatpants combo - same as I. That, I never thought twice about. However, if one of said friends - even the male ones - suddenly and for no reason stripped down to their underpants, before sharing the couch with me, I'd wonder what the hell is going on.

So, yeah: it's a matter of the... degree?... of the night attire.

[Kheldarson]

In my world, "I'm not looking for a relationship" could mean anything from "I am going to pretend that men don't even exist" to "I'm not looking to settle down, but a Friday night movie date followed by sex would be quite nice". I don't think my world is a particularly strange one. I think that's how most people think.

Which is why part of my post was talking about assumptions. Cuz in my world, talking about relationships never ever covered sex. Sex was off the table permanently. It wasn't, and didn't, happen until the wedding. So the fact that in the OP we don't have any indication that sex is even part of her initial equation, and unless cewfa wants to enlighten us to that, why should sex be assumed to be part of an initial statement of "I don't want a relationship" unless further clarified like in your second outlier statement?

[guywithashovel]

To give her the benefit of the doubt, this may have been miscommunication between you and her. Evidently, she sees cuddling on a couch as something two platonic friends can do. She may not have realized that it would have such an effect on you and that you would have a hard time doing that without wanting to go farther.

Me, personally, I could cuddle on the couch with a woman without going further. I might get aroused, but if it didn't go farther, that would be okay.

Then again, there are women out there who like to play with men. I've had to learn that the hard way.

[Rapscallion]

Then again, there are women out there who like to play with men. I've had to learn that the hard way.

Mate of mine who trawled dating websites for a long while said he noted something like this. He saw lots of women's profiles and tried to chat to some of them, but they weren't interested in anything other than a bit of chat.

Fair enough, he thought. He gave that site a six month hiatus out of forgetting to log in, and when he came back there were a substantial number of familiar faces doing exactly the same thing. According to their profiles they were still looking for romantic company, but in all that time there had been no potential partners? He doubted it very much.

I suspect some were just using it as a chat room type thing, and others may have been getting warm fuzzies from all the attention.

My main wondering now is if blokes ever did that as well. He wasn't really looking at male profiles, though.

Rapscallion