Mindsets about Friendship/Exs

[Shangri-laschild]

I'm best friend's with J. About 4 years ago he and I dated for about 5 or 6 months. We have both agreed that neither of us is what the other needs in a relationship. There's no hard feelings about it having ended and no romantic feelings still there. I consider him my best friend who I happened to date, not my ex who I'm best friends with. During this friendship I've encoutered two things that really have started pissing me off more and more.

1. "He's a guy and you're a girl so either he's hoping to get with you or he's gay." When talking to relatives and the subject came up, I've actually gotten this attitude.
"So you're together?"
"No."
"Oh, so he's gay then."
"No."
"Either he's interested or he's gay."
No amount of saying, no we're just friends and guys and girls (or two people who are interested in each other's gender) can be friends without wanting something more out of the other will convince them. And while it's from relatives usually, it's not even a "honey, no straight guy wouldn't like you" type thing, it's a, no straight guy is friends with a girl who he's not trying to get with.

2. The mentality that Exs can't be friends or at least, not close friends. This one especially seems to shows itself in relationships where people we date don't like the idea of us still being friends since we've dated despite it being years ago. He's had two girlfriends who have basically tried the "her or me" shit which didn't work out well for either of them. This is despite him being a good boyfriend and putting them first and our hang out time dwindling a lot. I haven't had quite as much trouble from guys I've dated but I do seem to sense an uncomfortable vibe from them at times.

So I'm trying to figure out this mentality. It seems to be more of a common mentality than makes sense to me but then again, the majority of my really close friends have always been guys who seem to mind a bit less. Thoughts or opinions?

[BlaqueKatt]

it's not even a "honey, no straight guy wouldn't like you" type thing, it's a, no straight guy is friends with a girl who he's not trying to get with.

I totally feel your pain on this.
My personality is more masculine, plus I'm married, I tend to get along better with males, due to never liking fashion, "sex in the city", "clubbing" or any of the traditional girly stuff. Also ay female I have ever been "friends" with accuses me of trying to "steal her man"-usually because I help them work on cars, play video games, etc. They never listen when I tell them to take an interest in what your SO is doing if you want him to stop asking me for advice on things. Stop being a jealous harpy-I have a husband, I don't want yours. If people keep stealing your men maybe the problem is you. Men don't like insecurity, it's unattractive-I've always been considered "one of the guys". One of my guy friends actually described me as "your mom, sister, and best friend in one convenient package-adding girlfriend to that would overstuff the pacage and mae it weird."

And I think the mindset comes from projection, they can't be friends with a member of the opposite sex without hanky-panky so of course no one else can either. Never mind that people have different personalities.

[protege]

And I think the mindset comes from projection, they can't be friends with a member of the opposite sex without hanky-panky so of course no one else can either. Never mind that people have different personalities.

I hear ya on that one. Several idiots I work with couldn't get over the fact that quite a few of my friends are female. They were of the mindset that I'm a "dirty old man" or that I must be doing them. Why? Simply put, I got along with our female employees better than they did...mainly because I didn't spend the entire time hitting on them or making stupid jokes. I guess they felt comfortable with me. Things weren't helped by both of us picking on each other constantly.

As for being friends with one's ex, it doesn't always work out. Sometimes, it's more trouble than it's worth.

[lordlundar]

And I think the mindset comes from projection, they can't be friends with a member of the opposite sex without hanky-panky so of course no one else can either. Never mind that people have different personalities.

Pretty much. I swear, if you tell these types of people it's a platonic relationship, they'll ask "what's platonic?" because they can't wrap their minds around the concept.

[Rapscallion]

they'll ask "what's platonic?"

Same guy who invented the plate, right?

Rapscallion

[miyon]

I totally understand Shangri-laschild. Me and my ex-husband split up about 7 years ago but we are still best friends. Its kind of stalled a bit since I moved back home but he is like a brother to me.
When I still lived near him we would go to movies, shows, watch our fav tv shows together.
My family always calls him a bastard for wanting a divorce but a few months after the split we both agreed that though we love each other we dont have any romantic feelings for each other. I have no hard feelings about the breakup. The only thing I missed was having him around the house because it was pretty much like living with your best friend.

He started dating this girl about 6 months after the split and she would get very upset when me and him talked, went to a movie, etc. He told her that I will always be apart of his life and she will need to learn that.

[Dreamstalker]

My mom and biological dad (divorced when I was...10 or so) are still on good terms, we'll all go to dinner if he's in town or we're in his neck of the woods. A number of my mom's friends are surprised by this ("You still talk to your ex-husband! OMG!")...I'm not sure why exes aren't "allowed" to get along.

I'm trying to stay friends with the ex, but it can be trying at times...I think he's never had anyone to tell him to get off his arse and do something (I still kinda like the guy as a friend, but his persistent negative attitude about everything and idea that I must pick up the phone every time he calls* is starting to really piss me off).

* Dude, have you ever considered that maybe the reason I don't pick up the phone is because you're so negative?

[McDreidel09]

I've been wondering the same exact thing. All of my exes ended up being friends with me after the relationship was over. One of my closest friends was my first love and the guy I gave my virginity to. We just hang out,watch movies and all that neat shtuff.

I get along better with guys. Girls can be too catty. Therefore, I am sleeping with ALL my guy friends and am a whore. I just feel more comfortable with guys and I feel like I can tell them anything,without the rumors going around (most of the time anyway.)

[jedimaster91]

The exes and I really don't talk much. A few because they really turned out to be jerks and I don't want anything to do with them, and one because he moved across the country and we just grew apart. I'd like to keep in touch with him more, but he's really bad about returning e-mails.

I admit I would be uncomfortable if my husband had close female friends in the area. It's not that I'm worried about him cheating on me, but he married me not them. I do respect the friendships he made before we met, many of them female, and I'm glad he keeps in touch with them. I'm also glad they live across the country.

And yes, I too, have more male friends than female friends. I do worry about appearences of impropriety, but at the end of the day, my husband trusts me, I trust him, and we know that any relationships we have with members of the opposite sex are stricly platonic.

[powerboy]

I am friends with several friends, and a few men cannot accept that fact I am not sleeping with them. I prefer to be the brotherly type to them. Only two of the female friends of mine, I would date if that chance came up.

[Lace Neil Singer]

I've got a lot of guy friends; during the time that I was temporarily split from my boyf, two of them became friends with benefits...

I have noticed too about the mindset a lot of girlfs seem to have about their boyf's female friend. -.- There is one guy friend I have who I never could date in a million years; even when I was single, I never considered it cuz there was just no spark. He's the same; we're good mates and have kisses (on the cheek!) and cuddles, but no hanky panky. One of his exes was a total bitch about that. She kept hanging around like a spare wheel whenever we hung out together, and grilled him on every hug and kiss that he gave me. Eventually, her jealousy bit her in the arse, cuz he ditched her over it.

Him and me have been friends since primary school. We are not about to stop messing around and hugging each other just cuz some insecure bitch throws a hissy fit. And for the record, my boyf has female friends; I'm not bothered. Yes, he does hug them and kiss them on the cheek, but he's with me and I'm not about to turn into a bunny boiler just cuz he hugs other females.

[ThePhoneGoddess]

Yeah I've been on the receiving end of that a few times.

I had a very good friend in Santa Fe for years named Arnold. We've been both co-workers and neighbors, among other things. I met him through a schoolmate at a wine tasting she hosted, and later ran into him again at a job and struck up a friendship. He later got me an apartment across the street from his house, where I lived for a year before moving to Oregon.

We were quite close. He used to live in the basement of this big old house, kinda care-taking it for the family who owned it. It was fully furnished but empty. When I had guests unexpectedly arrive from Palestine, he let them stay there for nearly a week as I didn't have any place else for them. And of course, he entertained them with his wonderful stories. (at which point they'd go "Milkie! He's just like you! Tells the most awesome stories!")

People used to trip when they'd see us out together. What am I, a mid 20's (at the time) white female in bizarre vintage looking getup, petticoats and strange hair colors, doing running around with some black guy in his late 50's (at the time) who looks like an old hippie who managed to make himself some money? People just couldn't figure that one out.

We had totally different backgrounds, but very similar personalities, and we used to have a lot of fun together. We told each other all kinds of stories (his were just so much awesomer than mine, but that's because he'd had more time to go out and do crazy things, I'm sure), and we used to stalk certain haunted buildings in Santa Fe looking for ghosts. I used to watch his dog when he went out of town, and he would run interference with my landlady, cause she was half-crazy and drove me nuts, but he was friends with her. We smoked a wee bit of the loco weed on occasion (he WAS a hippie, after all!) and would climb on top of my roof to watch the sunset and make fun of the neighbors under our breath.

I was also called upon to inspect possible girlfriend material, lol. That was always hilarious, as he'd ask me outrageous questions about them later just to annoy me. Do you think she's the type of woman who would leave her bloody panties on the bathroom floor? Is she the kind of person who'd get mad if I joked about letting the dog in bed with us?

People who can't imagine having a friendship like that like to assume that no one else could either. It's been 3 years since I've seen him, and I miss him all the time. He was a great friend.

[MystyGlyttyr]

Almost all of my friends are guys. You know in movies and whatever there's always that one girl in the group of guys? That's been me most of my life. There's the guys and the girls and I just happen to be with the guys. No one ever thought much of it until after I got out of school, at which point it was suddenly pointed out to me that girls and guys aren't supposed to hang out.

If anything though, it's because of ME, not the guys I'm with, that we're just friends. I'm not a typical girl, I never have been a typical girl. My behavior, my mindset, etc., means most of my guy friends look at me and see a guy who happens to have rather large chest muscles and who gets cranky and eats a lot of red meat once a month. They don't jump in front of me in a bar fight and they only rarely come to me for advice with their girlfriends.

Speaking of those, I've always had far, far more trouble from their girlfriends than anyone else though. These women just can't believe that their boyfriend can pal around with another female without there being some raging lust involved. I'm sure the wrestling part doesn't help, heh.

[freeatlast]

One of my closest friends in the world is the guy I was dating when I met the guy I married. He had to cancel our date because he was called into work, so I went out with a friend of mine and met my husband to be that night. Even though I broke up with this guy to date the guy I would end up marrying, he and I remained very close. A few years later, he brought the girl he was going to propose to over to meet me and to get my approval before asking her to marry him. To this day, we remain close. His wife and any guy I have dated since my divorce have been forced to understand our relationship. I also have remained good friends with my ex-husband. (I often say that he makes a much better friend than husband.) I am also friends with his current wife. She loves my daughter as if she were her own and I really think that my being good friends with her father and stepmother has been really good for my daughter.

[Saydrah]

I have pretty much all guy friends, plus there's the polyamory thing, which makes it pretty tough to explain to people the difference between male friends and male partners... sigh. I think the people who say a guy and a girl or a girl and her ex can't be friends without benefits are really just saying, "I couldn't have an opposite sex platonic friend, or be friends with an ex," and attributing the same to others for no good reason.