Parents who do not prioritize their kids

[Crazedclerkthe2nd]

There's a girl I used to know, I'll call her Lisa.

Lisa got pregnant at 19 and had a baby girl.

Now of course being a young single mother is not easy and although she didn't exactly do a terrible job of raising her daughter, she made it obvious again and again that she apparently had more important things to attend to.

She would frequently leave the girl with a babysitter, sometimes overnight, giving all kinds of reasons why she needed a sitter, some of which were probably not true. Is it that common for a mom to drop a kid off at a babysitter because she wants to go shopping?

She was almost always chronically late picking the child up as well. It was not at all uncommon for her to be more than an HOUR LATE, seriously inconveniencing the babysitter.

When her daughter was 3, Lisa began a relationship with a married man and somehow started to spend even less time with her daughter. She fed the girl fast food almost ALL the time and didn't break her of her pacifier until she was almost 3 years old, causing damage to her teeth.

What really bothered me about it is that it was obvious to anyone that despite the way she acted, Lisa's little girl still loved her mommy and loved to spend time with her.

Unfortunately, Lisa made only minimal efforts to spend time with her daughter, preferring to spend her free time with friends, out by herself or with her married boyfriend.

I know there are plenty of parents like Lisa out there and I can't help but be bothered at how some people do NOT break out of the "me first" mentality after they have kids.

It's just not fair to push another human being to the side like that.

And the thing these parents almost always fail to realize? The actions they take, especially in the early years of a child's life, have a HUGE IMPACT on the child for the rest of his or her life.

Lisa may not think there's anything wrong with how she parents now, but that little girl is going to grow up and (most likely) learn all about what went on in her early years. How do you think her opinion of mom will change once she knows?

I realize having a child is hard work and a 24/7 job, but if you're willing to have sex with someone, you better be willing to accept the potential consequences of that action and take responsibility as need be.

[Rebel]

I realize having a child is hard work and a 24/7 job, but if you're willing to have sex with someone, you better be willing to accept the potential consequences of that action and take responsibility as need be.

Don't Slut Shame. It shows your misogyny.

As to the rest of the post, I do agree that 'Lisa' isn't being as attentive a parent as she could be. As to her dating life, while I personally am against her poor choice in dating a married man, it's none of our concern. It sounds bad, but until we know the entire story behind the couple we can't judge then. Maybe he's separated and headed to divorce? You haven't clarified that for us.

Having a child is hard. I don't have any yet so I can't say from personal experience, but sometimes you do need to be a little selfish. Lisa should become more respectful to those that are helping her out (like the babysitters) but she still allowed time for herself if she can organize it.

The way you have worded this post is almost to suggest that a mother has no further right to being her own person.

[Ninja_Sushi]

This post hits really close to home with me.

My wife has this friend, who I used to also be friends with. Now I only feel resentment towards her.

Story is, wifes friend had kid at 18, and now barely wants to spend time with him. She is a single mom who prioritizes going to bars and finding dates over her own kid. This is where my wife comes into play, my wife is used as babysitter, and her friend has her wrapped around her finger. This week my wife was home only 3 nights out of the week because her friend "needed her".

Wife's friends "needs" are going to the gym, going on dates, going to bars, and I dont know what else, and she is unemployed since 2009. Yesterday, the kid was watched by my wife for 18 hrs while friend was out doing god knows what. And how she payed my wife back? Taking her out to a bar where she gets my wife to blow $60 for both of them.
But Im getting side-tracked...

Yes, I do agree, once you have a kid, your lifes priority list changes. Going out to bars gets chopped cause its not necessary and financially wasteful. Dates can wait until kids needs are met (food, clothes, shelter). No one said having a kid was easy, and yes, its very very hard at times...But pushing your kid off to someone does not make it go away.

[anakhouri]

I don't know Lisa's entire story, and I agree being a single, young mother is difficult (and where was the father in all this?). But if you're old enough to have a baby and choose to keep and raise it, you are old enough to make the necessary sacrifices to do so.

The mothers of my nephews and niece are, all 3 of them, exactly like you describe Lisa. To a woman (though they often act more like bitchy tween girls), they all wanted cute little babies to dress up. Once the children got older, had different schedules, developed opinions and personalities and required actual constant attention from their parents, they dropped the poor kids like hot potatoes. Not to mention using them constantly as pawns in their sick mind games with my brother (who is not innocent, obviously, but who does like to spend with his children when the harpies allow it).

Mothers need time off (I know this better than most, as I live far from any family or friends, and my husband works 13 hours a day 6-7 days a week, so I am with my son alone almost all the time), but 'me time' should be the minority, not the majority of your day.

[blas87]

This is why I don't have a lot of respect for (most, read carefully, I said MOST) young parents. When I say young, I mean unmarried 14-25 year olds (sometimes even older than that) who choose to keep their kids, but are awful parents.

I mean, there's this.......rock and a hard place of guilt around here. There's a lot of liberal belief and culture in certain areas, but overall, most people have older fashioned conservative values regarding family. And that's fine, I'm pretty conservative, too. Except, if I got knocked up, 98% sure I'd put it up for adoption. And that's what seperates me from the other youngsters around here. EVERY girl that gets knocked up here feels that she absolutely has to keep and raise her baby. No consideration of adoption (even "in the family" open adoption, which in my opinion is a good idea). I am no fan of abortion, but I won't judge a girl if she feels she has no other option.

And yet, all you hear from these young girls is how worthless the baby daddy is. No matter if he's 16 or 25. And then you hear from the guys that all these girls do with their child support money that they literally drain the guy down to pennies to live on from, on their nails and clothes. And bring new person after new person after new person to date and confuse the hell out of the poor kid. And these young girls mostly never return to work again. Perhaps school, because they get free/mostly free tuition for being single mothers. The dads don't get shit, even the GOOD guys who take responsibility for their part in the kid. So you get a whole new generation of welfaries, entitled single young moms who don't work, and a lot of deadbeat dads who never want to know their kids, and a few guys who made a mistake and do their best, surviving on pennies, and don't get to see their kids or even be a part of their life because if the girl finds out they have a new girlfriend, ooh run to the courthouse and demand more child support and no custody for the guy.

I don't mean to over-generalize, but this is what you see here. And it's sad. It's like Teen Mom repeating itself over and over and over again. Or "Early 20s Mom".

I have nothing but the utmost respect for anyone who had a kid young and did their best and sacrificed it all for their kids. The few of you who do this, and do it right, are amazing and you most likely have great kids and everything sorted out.

The rest just never want to grow up, and their kids suffer.

[Ninja_Sushi]

Totally agree Blas. Im a 22 year old male, so from a young guys eyes, I see young girls around my age still wanting the party life? When did this "party life" become so normal? I dont mind going out once or twice a month, but multiple times a week makes going out less special.

It not only harms the child, but in my case, the relationship with my spouse. She is always gone cause she has to babysit. Many arguments stem from this reason. Heard the kid almost call my wife "mommy" cause she is with him most of the time. This generation has over glorified the 'fuck it, lets party' attitude. My generation sucks.

[gremcint]

Don't Slut Shame. It shows your misogyny.

???

Crazed Clerk didn't mention gender there and also didn't say anything that would remove the father from responsibility, it's a perfectly reasonable thing they said, if you have sex be prepared to suffer the consequences is good advice for both genders.

[Rebel]

Slut Shaming

The OP acknowledged that they used to know this girl, that she has a child, and that she isn't with the child 24/7.
This girl continues to date and has a sexual life.
This girl makes some poor choices with her child's diet.
This girl likes to go shopping and hang out with friends.
The OP made the assumption that this makes her a sub-par mother.

I dare you to find any single mother that will have everyone agree with how they're raising their child. She works for a living which means that she isn't with the child all the time. And if she dares to spend any free time she has on herself, she gets called an selfish mother. God forbid she decides she wants to have sex with anyone who isn't the child's father (or even then).
Every parent makes mistakes as well. Not everyone is aware of the dangers of using a pacifier too long. Fast food? Poor choice, but she is still feeding her child, and I don't know her financial or social situation so I'm not going to judge that too harshly.

The only thing I agreed with the OP was that she was very rude for expecting people to babysit for her past the agreed to time. I've had to babysit, and it pisses me off when people don't turn up on time. At least call to give them a heads up that you're gonna be late.

I agree that you have to give a lot up when you have a child, and that sometimes you have to make sacrifices, but to expect her to never do anything for herself is stupid.
The impression that I got was that she was being judged for not being with her child 24/7. You're judging her against a 1950's housewife and finding her lacking.

[blas87]

Guess what? When you become a parent, you are not #1 anymore. Your child is. You're entitled to your "me" time, but your "me" time (meaning partying as much as you did before you had a kid and actively trying to date more than parent) should never get in the way of taking care of your kid.

If you can't handle someone else coming before you, then don't get pregnant. If you do, give it up for adoption, or learn to grow up pretty damn quick. Don't make an innocent kid suffer because you refuse to let go of your own youth or feel cheated by it.

[KitterCat]

You know if this is the definition of Slut Shaming than I agree with it. Only I agree that the girl is acting like a slut and should be ashamed of her behavior. Going by the OP’s posts this girl is not spending time with her child, is hooking up with a married man, and has pushed her child on to a babysitter. Please, tell me how is an adulteress relation ship not acting like a slut?

[blas87]

Not to be a total dickface, but there is a *married* man involved in this too. He's also a slut, if we're going to throw that word around.

[SkullKing]

Don't Slut Shame. It shows your misogyny.

He isn´t slut shaming. Think a little more, it shows your small-mindedness.

If you do X be prepared to deal with the consequences. Makes perfect sense.

He isn´t attacking the woman for being sexual. she is attacking her for not giving atention to her child.

The OP acknowledged that they used to know this girl, that she has a child, and that she isn't with the child 24/7.
This girl continues to date and has a sexual life.
This girl makes some poor choices with her child's diet.
This girl likes to go shopping and hang out with friends.
The OP made the assumption that this makes her a sub-par mother.

The OP acknowledged that they used to know this girl, that she has a child, and that she isn't with the child an appropriate amount of time.
This girl continues to date and has a sexual life. And allow her desire for dating and a sexual life to be more important than the needs of her small child
This girl makes some poor choices with her child's diet. Poor choices due to convenience, not honest mistakes, wich borders on negligence
This girl likes to go shopping and hang out with friends. And she does so to the detriment of her daughter, and of her babysitter, who should not be forced to wait for her to come get her child an hour late.
The OP made the assumption that this makes her a sub-par mother. Because it does.

[Lace Neil Singer]

I don't see the sexism in the OP's post. However, I do see a little sexism in Rebel's post; ie, automatically assuming that a man who is concerned about the welfare of the child of a neglectful mother is being a slut shaming misogynist.

Personally, if this was a single dad that was being talked about, I'd still think "slut" and think that he had no right to be a parent if he doesn't put his child first. If all you want to do is shag around, drink yourself stupid and party, then don't have kids. If you accidentally aquire one, then put it up for adoption; there are tons of people around who could be bothered to parent your child if you yourself can't be arsed.

[bara]

I called this guy I used to work with a male slut because he slept with his baby's momma and then and hour after she left her best friend.

He was a very good and loving father though.

[DrFaroohk]

Putting your kids first in certain areas is important, but to ALWAYS Put them first is kind of lame. Or, sometimes taking your ME time IS putting the kids first.

Just a thought...it seems like, if you took a record of all the times people have had sex, vs. the number of pregnancies...isn't it so rare that it kind of negates the "You had sex, that's what happens."

It'd be like if you went out shooting with your friends in a gravel pit, and one bullet managed to bounce off a small rock, ricochet off a tree and then hit the gas tank on your truck and it exploded. "Well that's what happens!"