My crazy aunt

[MaggieTheCat]

My dad's sister, K, lives in very rural Montana. She is a huge control freak and some of what she does really infuriates me.

My grandparents live there with her; at first, both my grandparents were living in a big house that K rented for them, which was (and still is) way too big for them. They are both elderly and have mobility problems, and this house has a lot of stairs which they can't get around, and is located on top of a hill that gets icy in the winter.

A few months ago, grandpa fell and was taken to the hospital and then moved to an assisted living/nursing home facility. At first he didn't like it but he has gotten used to it and actually really enjoys it now. Recently, grandma has expressed interest in moving to the assisted living facility with grandpa. She still lives in the big house (her choice originally when grandpa got moved to assisted living) but she is completely alone except for when K comes to visit, has no neighbors, and is afraid of falling and no one finding her for hours. K refuses to let grandma move to assisted living, because it would mess grandpa up; my grandparents have long fought and argued, the only reason they are still married is because they are very religious and don't believe in divorce, but they seriously dislike each other and can't stand to be around each other. And K doesn't want grandma to move in with grandpa and aggravate him and mess up his little "kingdom" (K's term) that he's turned the assisted living home into. So grandma is stuck in this house all by herself.

Meanwhile, K is trying to run an animal shelter. The little community she lives in does not have an official animal shelter so she took it upon herself to open one. The house that grandma lives in has a pretty big garage, which is not being used since grandma can't drive and doesn't have a car, so K set up a shelter for cats in this garage. Except she is obsessive about every cat she finds and brings in. She does take care of them and bring them to a vet for vaccines, spay/neuter, etc. but she gets so attached to them that she won't let anyone adopt them.

Just last week, grandma told us that a young couple with a little girl came by to look at the cats and wanted to adopt one. They picked one out and K told them they couldn't have it because she wanted to keep it. The young family ended up walking out empty handed.

Also, K has got wolf-dogs. I don't know the exact percentage but they are at least 50% wolf. One of them is relatively docile, especially when on her own, but the other one is aggressive and vicious. And the docile one gets worked up and aggressive when around the aggressive one. Only K and one of her friends can approach the aggressive one, she gets very vicious around everyone else. K tries to keep them penned up in her yard (and she does not have a big yard, she lives in a neighborhood with your average back yard and neighbors all around her.) Long story short, the wolves got out recently and attacked one of the neighbor's dogs. The dog is still alive but the vets are not sure if it will live and the judge told K that if it happens again, they will euthanize the wolves. But this isn't the first time the wolves have gotten out and attacked other animals. They killed another dog a few years ago and K has come home on multiple occasions to one of her cats being half-eaten by them.

So she can't bring any of the cats from the "shelter" home because the wolves will kill them. And she certainly can't move grandma in with her (her house is a disaster thanks to the wolves and numerous cats.)

Did I mention that she's a raging alcoholic? She drinks beer with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and wine before bed. She is always drunk or hungover. She has admitted to my mom that she is an alcoholic and she loves it. She would never give it up.

I dunno if I'm looking for advice or what. I guess I mostly just wanted to vent because it really upsets me. My parents do not want to get involved because they have already been walked on by my grandparents (I have posted about it before, although it's been a while, basically my parents tried to take care of my grandparents, did everything for them, and my grandparents treated them like crap and complained that nothing was good enough. They said that K would treat them so much better and why couldn't my parents be like K? So finally my parents said, fine, go live with K...and this is what happened.) So I can understand them not wanting to get involved. I just don't understand how someone can live like K does.

[Canarr]

Is there the option of moving your grandmother to a different assisted living facility? If your grandparents truly would be happier separate than together, then not moving them together makes sense.

Another option: get K and your grandmother to switch houses. That way, K can be close to her cat shelter and still keep the wolf dogs in the big house, and your grandmother has a smaller house to live in with lots of neighbors - who, incidentally, might be grateful to get the alcoholic with the vicious dog out of their neighborhood.

[MaggieTheCat]

Is there the option of moving your grandmother to a different assisted living facility? If your grandparents truly would be happier separate than together, then not moving them together makes sense.

My parents have suggested that and even offered to help set it up (finding another assisted living facility, getting people to help move her, etc. They wouldn't actually go do it themselves but they would help organize it.) However, for various reasons, grandma won't do it. For one, there is only one assisted living/nursing home facility in the community she's in, the one that grandpa is already in (yeah, they're THAT small of a community.) The next nearest one is about an hour's drive away. Grandma won't go that far from K and grandpa, even though she's fed up with them. And K won't "let" her, although if grandma really wanted she could do it on her own, K has no actual authority over grandma.

Another option: get K and your grandmother to switch houses. That way, K can be close to her cat shelter and still keep the wolf dogs in the big house, and your grandmother has a smaller house to live in with lots of neighbors - who, incidentally, might be grateful to get the alcoholic with the vicious dog out of their neighborhood.

An interesting idea, and yes, I'm sure it would benefit everyone in the long run. But again, K won't go for it. Her house is literally a disaster. There is always cat and wolf piss and poo everywhere, all of the furniture and carpeting has been destroyed, etc. She would have to completely gut the house and start from scratch to make it livable for anyone besides her. Plus, the house that grandma lives in is a rental, and I'm pretty sure the owner wouldn't allow 2 wolf dogs, 2 regular dogs, and 10+ cats to live there. (the owner is aware of the cats in the garage and is okay with it, as long as they stay in the garage and don't come in the house.)

[Andara Bledin]

I'm pretty sure that any wolf-hybrid over 25% is illegal to own without a license. Does she have a license for those?

Another question is whether the fact that grandma is in a huge house with no neighbors and no company for large portions of the day could be considered elder abuse.

Finally, what are the animal shelter laws in the area? Does she need a license and if so, does she have one? What are the living conditions for the cats and are they up to specifications for a cat shelter?

I don't blame you for wanting to vent about this woman. To think that she had a family there looking to adopt a cat and she refused to let any go is just maddening.

^-.-^

[MaggieTheCat]

I'm pretty sure that any wolf-hybrid over 25% is illegal to own without a license. Does she have a license for those?

I'm not sure. I would assume she does, because everyone in her town knows her or at least knows of her and her wolf-dogs. She's had many citations and been in court more than once. So I would assume they've already checked on her license, but I've never actually seen it or anything.

Another question is whether the fact that grandma is in a huge house with no neighbors and no company for large portions of the day could be considered elder abuse.

I asked my parents about this, too. They talk to grandma more often than I do so they get more details of her situation. They (my parents) have talked at length about calling social services or something and trying to have grandma removed from the house, but as I mentioned above, grandma would likely be unhappy about it. Honestly, though, she's going to be unhappy no matter what happens. She's been so miserable for so long of her life that I don't think she knows how to feel anything else.

Finally, what are the animal shelter laws in the area? Does she need a license and if so, does she have one? What are the living conditions for the cats and are they up to specifications for a cat shelter?

Again, I don't know for sure, but I do know that she took some classes and filled out some paperwork, so I'm assuming that was toward getting a shelter license. As for the condition of the cats, I'm betting it's rather dismal. She doesn't really let anyone in the garage; she absolutely forbids grandma from going in there (and grandma can't get to the garage on her own anyway, due to severe mobility issues and the location of the garage relative to the house.)

I don't blame you for wanting to vent about this woman. To think that she had a family there looking to adopt a cat and she refused to let any go is just maddening.

^-.-^

Yeah, that really, really bothered me. Yes, the situation with grandma is bad and makes me feel bad for grandma, but grandma could change things if she really wanted. She has money, she could hire people to help her move into either the local assisted living place, or one outside of town, but she doesn't because she's stubborn. My parents have even offered to help her get something set up and she still refuses. So while I feel for her, I'm not 100% sympathetic because she does partly bring it on herself.

The situation with the cats, though, really makes me sick to my stomach every time I hear about it. It's absolutely heart-wrenching that she's got 20+ in a garage, they never get any human interaction except when she comes over once a day, and she won't let them be adopted. I mean, why start a shelter in the first place if she's just going to hoard them?

[HotelKatz]

I mean, why start a shelter in the first place if she's just going to hoard them?

Simple. It's a matter of perspective.

Person with a cat shelter = good person.

Person with 20+ cats for no particular reason = Crazy person.

[Andara Bledin]

Simple. It's a matter of perspective.

Person with a cat shelter = good person.

Person with 20+ cats for no particular reason = Crazy person.

This.

It's not common, but some of the less neurotic animal hoarders will get a shelter license to get around the restrictions on number of animals to a home.

^-.-^

[Seshat]

I mean, why start a shelter in the first place if she's just going to hoard them?

Because she's a hoarder. It's another addictive disease, in the same general category of illness as alcoholism.

I suspect she's also 'hoarding' your grandmother.

My recommendation would be to notify both elder care and animal care, CCing each on the other's mail so they can coordinate their efforts. And stand back and let the professionals handle the situation.

What you've described sounds to me like it really does require professionals to sort out - it's beyond what you and your parents should ever be expected to handle.

[MaggieTheCat]

Well, K is really screwed now.

She had another court date on Tuesday. Apparently the one last week was just some kind of preliminary hearing.

She was freaking out about it all day Tuesday and my dear grandfather, who fawns over her like she's god's gift to mankind, kept telling her it'd be fine, not to worry, everyone in town knows and loves her, nothing bad will ever happen to her, this will just blow over.

Well, she showed up at the courthouse and the courtroom was packed. With a veritable lynch mob.

First, the judge hit her with a rather hefty fine. Then the judge told her she has two options: She can either have the wolf-dogs euthanized immediately, or she can leave the county.

So she's going to leave the county. No idea where she's going to go or what's going to happen to grandma. Also don't know how long she has to get out.

Apparently her plan is to take the two wolf-dogs and her to normal dogs (so 4 dogs total) and get out of dodge, leaving all the cats behind. Besides the 20+ that are in the garage of grandma's place, she has around 10-15 in her own house. I guess she's banking on her other shelter buddies to keep an eye on them all; there were 2 other ladies who were supposed to help her with this shelter business, but one of them got diagnosed with cancer, and another is retired, has money, and wanted to tour Europe. So K has largely been on her own since she started the shelter.

Apparently she is appalled at the reaction she received. People were pointing, murmuring, and snickering at her behind her back while she was in court, and when she told my mom about it after the fact, she called them all "fuckers who don't deserve her" because she's done soooo much for the community.

Oh, and she got hit with another fine this morning because it turns out the original fine was just for one of the wolf-dogs, and now the DA has decided to fine her for the other one as well.

I asked my mom when I talked to her, and she thinks the really aggressive wolf-dog is somewhere around 75-90% wolf. The other one less so but still more than 50%. And my mom is pretty certain K has no license for either of them, but since she's been in court, I dunno why they haven't nailed her for that, either. Unless they already have. Like I said, she's been to court more than once regarding the wolf-dogs before.

Anyway, I will keep this post updated as I hear more about what she's going to do and where she ends up going.

[Andara Bledin]

As much as I'd rather the wolf-dogs were collected by some rescue group, they're not safe to have out in the general populace.

If I were in this situation, I'd keep an eye on where K went and then inform her new community of the potential danger her animals pose.

I feel sorry for all of the cats she's abandoning, too.

^-.-^

[AdminAssistant]

After living in those conditions, the cats are likely too unhealthy or unsociable to be adopted. I mean, I doubt that she's been taking them all to the vet to get tested for Feline AIDS or leukemia, or even been worming them on a regular basis.

[Seshat]

Well, the county she currently lives in clearly knows about the animals - and hopefully grandma. (If not, a quiet 'heads-up' from your parents to the judge or the judge's assistant will fix that.)

The county's animal welfare (and elder welfare, hopefully) people will move in and take care of what Aunt K abandons. Unfortunately, the chances are good that AdminAssistant is correct - but at least the poor cats will have the best care that the county can arrange. Even if it's gentle vet tech hands and a quiet, permanent sleep.

And Grandma will, if needed, be moved (or otherwise given appropriate care). Like it or not.

[senor boogie woogie]

I am interested why your grandparents dislike each other so. Was it always like this? A shotgun wedding? Was there an event that may have caused this rift? How many kids do (or did) they have?

I knew a guy who had two wolf puppies, and they were very agressive and will bite. Not domesticated and should not be kept by anyone in any community. Grandma is stuck because all of her options to her are bad ones. I would not want to go to an Assistant Living place either if I were elderly. This is the last stop in the end of life express.

Is this in Western Montana in the beautiful rockies, or the desolate Eastern end where one has to drive 200 miles for a bottle of milk?

If K got hit by a truck, would the town cheer in unison? Maybe you should let her know that.

When K is drunk and passed out, why dont you clear the garage of all the kitties and give them to the Humane Society, where they would at least have a chance to be adopted. I did read that there were none in your town, but your county has a County Seat town somewhere that handles this.

Maybe K needs some penis in her shag. Would that help?

[MaggieTheCat]

I am interested why your grandparents dislike each other so. Was it always like this? A shotgun wedding? Was there an event that may have caused this rift? How many kids do (or did) they have?

Yes, they have pretty much always hated each other. Grandpa is a very self-righteous, holier-than-though, bible-thumping Lutheran who thinks he can do no wrong and knows everything. Grandma was a country girl who was raised on a farm. Grandpa basically lorded over her their entire life and treated her like she was a dumb country bumpkin. It didn't help that grandma was a drunk as well (runs in the family, obviously.)

They have 3 kids, my father, K, and another boy. Grandma got pregnant with my dad out of wedlock so that's the reason they got married. Grandpa being a staunch Lutheran is the reason for no divorce.

Is this in Western Montana in the beautiful rockies, or the desolate Eastern end where one has to drive 200 miles for a bottle of milk?

They're in Western Montana, but "desolate" is still the perfect word to describe their location. The community they are in has around 800 citizens and the next closest/biggest town is at least 60+ miles away.

If K got hit by a truck, would the town cheer in unison? Maybe you should let her know that.

Yes, they would, and I'm pretty sure she's figured that out now that half the town showed up at her court hearing, hissing and booing at her.

When K is drunk and passed out, why dont you clear the garage of all the kitties and give them to the Humane Society, where they would at least have a chance to be adopted. I did read that there were none in your town, but your county has a County Seat town somewhere that handles this.

I live in Texas. And my parents, for reference, live in Wisconsin.

Also, the town they're in IS the County Seat. At about 800 residents, as I said. There is no Humane Society for 60+ miles as far as I know.

Maybe K needs some penis in her shag. Would that help?

It might. She has never been married but has been in a couple of good, long-term relationships in the past. The one guy she was with the longest was very good to her and she was a lot more stable when they were together. However, he didn't want to get married and she couldn't disappoint her father by being in a committed relationship without marriage (due to grandpa's religion, again) so they eventually split. They were still friends, but she constantly used him to the point that now they don't speak (he may not even live there anymore, I'm not sure.)

[Seshat]

Grandma is stuck because all of her options to her are bad ones. I would not want to go to an Assistant Living place either if I were elderly. This is the last stop in the end of life express.

I would.

When my Nan lived alone and was frail-aged, she was lonely and miserable. Her friends had also become frail-aged, unable to drive to her - and she couldn't drive to them. Her family did what we could, but some of us lived halfway across the country, others had jobs and so forth...

We tried various options. Live-in assistance, 3-times-a-day visits from carers, whatever we could get. We considered moving her in with one of the family, but for some reason that was quashed as well.

Eventually she moved into assisted living. And she THRIVED! It made a huge difference. She was bright and happy and cheerful and everything was so much, much better for her.