My crazy aunt

[MaggieTheCat]

What Seshat described is basically what happened to my grandpa. He did not want to go to assisted living, insisted on coming home as soon as he was out of the hospital, etc. but the hospital somehow either convinced or forced him to go to assisted living first, as part of rehab I think (he fell and didn't actually break anything but was having a hard time walking.) Now he never wants to go "home" again. Grandma has seen this and wants to join him, but K won't let her.

[protege]

We tried various options. Live-in assistance, 3-times-a-day visits from carers, whatever we could get. We considered moving her in with one of the family, but for some reason that was quashed as well.

We did the same thing with my grandmother. At the time, it was an hour and 20 minute drive to her house. My mom was the nearest relative to her. If anything happened, she had to leave work and drive down there. But, because Grandma didn't want to move...it was tolerated. Up until the last couple years of her life, we felt it best that she was in familiar surroundings. Plus, her friends were nearby, and plenty of neighbors checked in on her. She was active with her church, and we felt that forcing her to move...wouldn't have been in her best interest.

But, the last year she owned her farm (2006), several incidents happened that changed things. The main one, was that she was losing her eyesight...and had a slight stroke. Not enough to disable her, but enough that climbing stairs was dangerous. About that time, she was starting to act a bit out of character--she would forget where she was. Keep in mind that she'd been living in the same house since 1952!

Her behaviour got more and more erratic--there was a power outage, which had also knocked out her heat. She called my mom to tell her that, but refused to leave. I made the hour-and-20-minutes drive in less than 45. I was doing about 90mph the entire way down there--worried about her falling in the dark, and what I'd possibly find when I got there. When I arrived, she was sitting at the kitchen table, in the dark, and drinking coffee. Coffee she'd made earlier...and reheated in the stove. Er, did I mention that the oven door was open? She'd done that, so there was some heat in the room.

She didn't fight with me to get in the car and head to my mother's. Simply, because I told her that she could either get into the car...or I'd put her in the car. She grabbed a few clothes, and we left.

Not long after, she moved into a small apartment. Still in the same town, but that unit was easier for her to take care of. No steps to deal with, and no worries about maintaining a huge house and an 80-acre farm. She seemed happier there, since she was still in her town, and closer to things. By then though, Grandma had given up driving. She'd had an accident, and gave it up voluntarily. She'd fallen in a parking lot, hit her head, and instead of calling an ambulance...attempted to drive to the hospital. Less than a block from where she fell, she hit a couple of cars. Nobody was hurt, but it was enough to scare her into giving up her license.

Around the same time, her mental condition got worse, and she had some serious falls in that place. So, we got her a nurse to help clean and take care of her during the day. Expensive, but worth it. She had someone that would check in on her, and keep her company. That wasn't without its problems though. One night, Grandma fell...and spent the entire night on the floor Luckily, the nurse found her on the floor the next morning--still alive, but very sore.

Less than a year later, my family made the difficult decision to put her in an assisted-living home. Having to constantly deal with things was taking its toll on my mother. She was the *only* one who had to deal with it--her brother (Uncle Dick...so named for his "sparkling" personality) and sister (who didn't work--her husband was a doctor, and she could get away with not having a job)...wanted nothing to do with their mother's health.

So we packed up Grandma's things, sold her car, and moved her into an assisted-living residence just outside Pittsburgh, and 15 minutes away from my mom's home. She hated to do that, but she simply couldn't get the same level of care in her old town. Yeah, there *was* an assisted-living center there, but it sucked ass--it had been written up *several* times for abuses and safety violations.

The home that Grandma moved into, was pretty nice. The staff treated her like gold, probably helped because of my mother's connections in the county health department. Any problems, were quickly dealt with. Grandma not only got her medications on time, but was always fed, and had someone to check in on her. Plus, family would drop by to have meals with her.

About a year after moving in, things got much worse. Moving her twice in a year...really didn't help her mental issues. She started forgetting where she was, and was constantly asking to be taken home Several times she asked where her husband was...and when he was coming home. I wasn't about to tell her that Grandpa had died 20 years previously So I'd tell her that he was probably "having coffee with the fellas, and he'll be home soon." I hated to lie to her, but I wasn't about to upset her.

Even though being in the home was upsetting to her, she never snapped at staff. They were excellent to her, and even caught her trying to 'escape' a couple of times. The only thing that happened, which pissed me off, is I couldn't get into her room one night, and she was screaming for help. They'd locked her door, and were apparently busy with some sort of emergency in the home's mental unit. I was fucking furious, since calls to the front desk weren't being answered...and I couldn't get her to calm down. Luckily, one of her neighbors happened to be the mother of the owner, and I told her that if the staff didn't send someone to open the damn door...I'd go out to my car, get the tire iron, and I'd break the fucking door down. Her neighbor called someone, apparently leaned on them, and they let me in. It took a good hour or so to get Grandma calmed down enough that she could go to sleep. About a month later, the effects of a stroke finally ended her life at age 93. A blessing, really. She's no longer in pain.

With all that said, I'm not really a fan of nursing homes. I'm all for keeping someone in their home, and in familiar surroundings. I do think that moving my grandmother multiple times really didn't do her mind any favors. It may have made things worse...even though the care available was better for her. Sometimes, you have to make difficult decisions regarding the ones you love. It sucks, but you have to.

I apologize for all that. Here's where Uncle Dick and my aunt pissed off my mother... The two of them never wanted to deal with their mother's health issues. Not Grandma's near-fatal auto accident in '94, the stroke, falls, and other shit. Nope, they left all of that to my mother...because she lived closest and worked for the health department. Did I mention that when Grandma started having problems that Dick was retired, and my aunt doesn't work? They could have *easily* come down here to see her? Instead, they ignored her because they were "too busy." Yet, they felt the need to bitch my mother out over things...and going so far as to scream when they didn't get certain things after Grandma had died. What the fuck? You don't visit her more than a few hours once a year (in the case of Dick--he'd drive 3 hours to see her, have lunch, then immediately head home!) and you're complaining? Sorry, but you didn't come to see her, didn't want to make any decisions about her care, and now you're upset because what my mom is doing is "wrong?" Fuck that.

[blas87]

It's ok protege. We had some similar family issues with Nana and shuffling her around. Her daughter (my great aunt) was only concerned about what goodies (antiques and heirlooms) she'd get when Nana finally died, and my great uncle didn't want to upset his mother by being a "mean" son and putting her in a home. So, for a good nearly 10 years before her death, she was left in her house, which was 15 miles from my Uncle, and an hour and a half from great aunt and the rest of us, and uncle barely ever saw her. Her house looked like something from hoarders, my parents told me, after she died and they cleaned her house.

All of them, even my own parents, played a role in how things could have been better for Nana. True, in her life, she was a wicked, horrible woman, but I don't think anyone did her any favors by letting her live in filth and a fantasy land the last years of her life.

So funny, Mom always said to stand up for yourself, yet, she never ever had the balls to stand up to her aunt and uncle, and her dad even played coward as well and stayed "out" of it. I don't know how in the hell none of them ever got nailed for elder abuse, or my parents for knowing everything that happened but never doing anything more than making anonymous calls to the county that never got handled properly.

Nana had some home nurses for a while, but uncle kept firing all of them. So Nana just sat at home alone. She went to a home once or twice, but Uncle would just as soon pull her right out because it was too expensive.

[Seshat]

Protege, you have every right to vent. It sounds like you have plenty to vent about.

MaggietheCat:
Can you or your parents contact the trial judge who presided over K's trial, and tell him/her that your Grandma wants to go to the nursing home but K keeps refusing?

The judge should have the legal authority to declare your Grandma either mentally competent (in which case refusing her free movement is illegal), or in need of a guardian (and he/she can declare her a ward of the state, make himself or some trusted magistrate her guardian, and move her himself).

It sounds as if K's county is well aware of K, now. And Elder Care is part of the scope of the judge's duties.



Edit to add a postscript to my Nan's story.

A few months after she moved to the nursing home, the 'transient ischemic attacks' (which were explained to me as 'mini-strokes') eventually made her all but bedridden. She could no longer walk down the hall to the social area without assistance. (Though she did, of course, get assistance. She'd be helped or wheeled down to the social area, and settled into a comfortable chair there.)

Because she was already known to the other residents, this wasn't a problem. The mobile ones would stop by to visit her. If we'd had to move her to the nursing home after she'd been bedridden, I think it would have been much harder on her. When I was visiting her I was quite moved by just how many of the residents would poke their heads in just to check on her.

She died shortly after that, but she died happy and after several months of a good life. If she'd stayed in her home, she would have died lonely.

My husband, my wife and I all intend to find as decent an assisted-living home as we can afford, when we age. One of the ones where you start in a little cottage or apartment, and are moved within the same complex if your health requires it.

[Andara Bledin]

My boss' mother is in an assisted living facility, now. She's not mobile enough to keep her own place, and while she hated the idea of being in such a place, she now admits that it's the best thing she could have done.

^-.-^

[protege]

Protege, you have every right to vent. It sounds like you have plenty to vent about.

I tend to get worked up when someone tries to mess with my family. Plus, I was close to my grandparents on that side. I didn't like how my aunt and uncle would rarely see my grandmother...and would attempt to push her around when they did. Sometimes, like in the case of my uncle and his "bible study" at her house (he and his entire family sat around reading) she's actually yelled at them for ignoring her.

Then there was what happened after Grandma died. Both of them actually got upset...that certain things weren't left in the estate. Long before she died, Grandma had given away some of her needlepoint pictures, various photos, Grandpa's jazz records, his WWII service papers, etc. I know where some of those things are--they're at my place because they were given to me. They were pissed, but got the "you should have come home more often then."

Oh, and it's not just my mom's side of the family either. Dad's side has its own issues. Most of it stems from my grandparents and aunt...basically ignored their only grandchildren. So my brothers refuse to have anything to do with them. They don't call her, they don't go over there...and she's our last living grandparent. I go over there when I can, to see if she needs anything, or to help her out. She's in her late 80s, and is starting to slow down a bit. Even though she's still independent, she's been thinking of moving into a smaller apartment. Then she decided that she'd rather stay in her house. It's paid for, so why not?

In doing so, she raised the ire of my brothers. Seems they thought that they were going to get her unwanted furniture and other items. Never mind that they wanted nothing to do with her. No, they wanted her stuff. Similar reaction after my grandfather died in 2001--one announced that he'd be getting all of Grandpa's WWII medals. Dad put that to rest pretty damn quick. Grandpa may have been failing in mind and body....but he wasn't stupid. He knew what was going on

But, I have a feeling that I'm going to have to deal with shit when my dad passes on. Since my dad is a smartass (which runs in the family ), it should be amusing as hell to watch. Because he's pissed about how they treat his mother...he's going to royally fuck them over in his will. They'll be getting nothing!

Again, I tend to get a bit worked up over things like this. It just pisses me off when getting older and/or dying tend to bring out the vultures. Especially when the vultures didn't even bother paying any attention to their relative. I mean, sure I was at my grandmother's homes constantly. Didn't mean that I'd automatically end up with their things. That's not why I'd go over there! It's not my fault that I'm well thought of.

[blas87]

I agree, protege.

I absolutely hate when family members only see dollar signs and material items that they get to have when that person passes on.

My mother's aunt, uncle, and father had to have a moderator (or whatever you'd call it, neutral legal third party?) for when they went over Nana's Will, because those stupid antiques and heirlooms were all those idiots cared about. My aunt was crazy livid over these stupid handcrafted ships that my great great grandpa made a bunch of. They needed a freaking moderator to evenly distribute the assets, since it couldn't be agreed upon and wasn't clear enough in the Will, they had a "lottery", to see who got what.

All that stuff that was "so important" to grandpa? Most of it is still sitting in my parents' basement, and once a year or so, he'll make a trip to come get a little more, usually he flies or rents a car. Apparently, it's "for family", so my parents should be honored to save his shit in their basement.

They were glad to finally be rid of the stupid antique high chair that grandpa kept pounding his chest about. Grandpa kept bellowing that his next grandchildren would be using that chair (that chair is over 100 years old, is made of wood and has no way of securing the child in it).

[senor boogie woogie]

OK, IT IS SUMMER IN MONTANA..........................

What is happening with K, Grandma and Grandpa?