Dwelling On The Past

[blas87]

How in the world do you deal with people that can never resist a chance to take a jab at you by "reminding" you of something you said or did two weeks, two months, two years, ten years ago?!

I'm sure you can guess who, but a family member of mine does this from time to time. We're supposed to be for a clean slate for when I move back home. And yet, any time we discuss the future, she brings up the past. When I was a teen and an older teen. Has to bring up the friends I had. The mistakes I made. As a way of saying, "You're older now", but still has to bring up examples A-E of all the dumb stuff I said or did.

There's a person I work with, I swear he has a mental journal (or maybe a physical one, who knows) of every single "hurtful" (it's in quotes because 99% of the stuff, he's being too sensitive on and no one else would find it hurtful) thing someone has said to him or joke he didn't like, and he actually keeps it like archived in his mind and finds opportunities to bring it back up. It's a normal part of conversations with him And since I have to work around him at times, it's inevitable.

With him, I think part of it is being conversationally challenged, dare I even say probably socially challenged, but it's so inappropriate. Yes, TWO YEARS ago, I told you I thought your shirt looked like it was a golfer's shirt. Oh sweet lord in Heaven, it was the mother of all insults and I'm sure you were just in tears for days, can you just let it GO already?

I try the same tactic with both examples, I usually just try to ignore it and hold back any urge to raise my voice or argue, sometimes just say "Oh, I did do that, didn't I?" or "Yeah, that shirt was pretty ugly!" just to drive a point that I'm really not going to let you bother me. Other times, I just immediately change the subject or try to find something else to do or get away.

I'm not perfect, I used to be able to hold a grudge better than anyone. Quite a few petty ones. To be honest, I'm sure there's still a few dead bodies in my head that I'm still trying to clear. But...it's like, letting people live rent free in your mind. Doesn't anyone ever come to realize (like I did) that people eventually figure out that you have an entire warehouse of memories in your head about things they've said or did? I mean, I no longer wanted anyone having that power over me, or satisfaction of knowing that they got to me that badly, even if they weren't really an enemy or anything, still. Do these people realize that it's not healthy or normal to keep a mental inventory of insults and things that just eat away at a person?

I guess some people are just happier that way. Maybe those memories are all they have to keep them motivated to stay spiteful or hurtful. I don't know why my family member does it, because she's always trying to preach about living life to the fullest and not letting stuff bother you. But apparently, she still remembers every awful thing I said or did when I was full of angst and insecurity.

Anyone else have thoughts? Stories? Don't be afraid to admit if you do it. Like I said, I have. In fact, sometimes, if I have a bad enough week at work or a bad day or two, some quotes and situations stay in my head for a while. Sometimes feelings of pent up rage and anger stay for much longer than they should. But I feel I'm finding healthier ways of dealing with it. And I'm finding the more that I can physically SHOW that they don't bother me that much, the more it just will eat at them if they want to come back for more.

[DrFaroohk]

I have the worst memory for those things...worst as in, my memory won't let me forget!

I don't bring them up all the time though, but I remember a lot. More than is normal. I remember the time in Kindergarten that Mrs. Davis let Donna use the brand new pen she bought at the book store (we were a pencil's only class!) but wouldn't let ME use my special pen that I bought at the book store the next day.

It gets worse.

[jackfaire]

I never blew stuff out of proportion but I would hold a grudge every time someone forced a fight out of me. I couldn't just suddenly be friends. I hated fighting no matter how well I did in the fight I always felt bad about fighting afterwards. So I would hold grudges against the people I got into fights with eventually I realized that while to me it was this big thing to them it was a Tuesday and I started letting it go.

[AdminAssistant]

Oh my mother LOVES to bring up all the embarrassing shit I used to do as a kid/teen. Yes, mom, I just adore reliving all these painful memories. Please continue!

[Andara Bledin]

If I were in a situation where someone I had to be around kept bringing the past up, I'd just stop the conversation every time it happened and ask, "And that's relevant how?" and not let it go until they give me an answer or admit that it's not.

^-.-^

[HYHYBT]

It tends to be relevant, though, even when only slightly.

[powerboy]

Yup, I have a friend who done and still does that to me.

Years ago, said friend and another friend and I went to a bar and just hung out. I got there earlier than expected because the time changed of when we were going to meet up. Well anyway, I had a few shots of Jack Daniels. Was talking to an older lady, who thought I was cute. Well said friends shows up and I went over to them. About 30 minutes later, the older lady came over and kissed me. It took me by surprise.

Well, he still brings up the fact that I made out with a older woman.

[Mishi]

Oh my mother LOVES to bring up all the embarrassing shit I used to do as a kid/teen. Yes, mom, I just adore reliving all these painful memories. Please continue!

Quoted for truth! Along with "Aren't you glad we didn't let you run away with Rugz when you were 16, because then all sorts of terrible things would have happened to you, and you'd have broken up with him and you'd probably be a prostitute with 5 kids by now etc."

Nevermind that she pretty much kicked me out when I was 17.
There's a damn good reason why I won't have anything to do with her.

[blas87]

My parents somehow remember the name of every single person they didn't like that I brought home or hung out with. Honestly, even though I'm younger and should have the better memory, there's a lot of people I've just wiped out of my mind, because they obviously ended up not mattering. It amazes me the names and events they remember, when these very people I struggle to remember who they were or what we did that was so bad.

Like I said in my OP, I'm not perfect and don't think that I don't hold stuff against people that I shouldn't. And sometimes, I really have to stop myself and say "Stop it. Stop it. You are not going to lower yourself to your coworkers' standards of hating everyone and everything just because you can. There's no reason to bring up something mean someone said to you five years ago."

[guywithashovel]

I sometimes have a memory for things people say to me, but I don't bring it up all the time. Rarely, in fact.

For a while, we had some people at work who liked to see how far the they could push the envelope by making offhand remarks to people, and I still remember some of the things they said to me. However, the things said there were more serious than "That shirt looks like a golfer's shirt." That's not even an insult.

Still, I sometimes can't help but let certain things stick in my head, regardless of how hard I try not to. But I don't bring it up just to be a douche.

[blas87]

I've always wondered if people like that just want to see people fall over themselves apologizing, or see them get upset over the fact that it can't just stay an old event.

[Mytical]

Geesh yes, as our discussion elsewhere..let it go people. Listen, I am an empath..I not only pick up on others emotions, I often FEEL those emotions..so I hate hurting anybody. The only way to win that game is not to play, so I don't. Don't like it, there is the door. You bring something up I did years ago, I don't even bother responding..the conversation is over. Way too sensitive to stick around and get the heart on my sleeve tromped on thanks.

[blas87]

I like Andara's suggestion because it's straight forward and wouldn't be considered rude or inappropriate by any reasonable person.

However, the people with the mental inventories tend to also be the more reactive people. I have a feeling asking that question would be met with that person immediately going on the defensive and probably just huffing and puffing and walking away, and then dragging down the entire team for probably a good day or two, because that person will refuse to work with anyone else while they are oh so offended.

[Mytical]

Sometimes my poor memory is a blessing. I do not dwell on the past. I plan for, but do not live in the future. Now is important. Though yes..if you betray my trust..and I trust easily..I will remember it. Depending on how well I know you, determines how many strikes you get. One for strangers, two for acquaintances, three for friends..four for family. Once those are used up..I will have nothing more to do with that person..other then that..slights are forgotten almost as fast as they happen..life is too short.

[blas87]

I focus so hard on the future, I probably don't put as much effort in the present as I can. But that's because I've always had a problem with my inability to control the future. Not that I can't make good choices, but that I can't see what will happen, or change something now to prevent it from happening, because no one knows what really will happen.

I guess it just comforts some people to live in the past more than the present or future. Some people just can't be thankful that time's gone by, friendships have developed or their kids have matured. We just gotta take any opportunity for a good dig.