I hate moving!!! Also more reasons why people piss me off....

[DrFaroohk]

So back in the spring/summer we were living in another place, planning to move into a bigger house. Of course, the Voice of Reason (me) says "Hey, this house costs like...10 times more than our payments now...and we even have trouble making THOSE on time. So is this really a good idea?"

"Of course!" Said The Voices of Complete Fucking Stupidity. "Don't worry about it, we'll make it work!"

Ummm...ok.

So now, guess what, imagine the fucking surprise, we can't afford this place and now are going to have to move soon.

I FUCKING HATE MOVING. Especially when it's one of these deals. If people would just fucking listen to me every now and then, when I say "HEY WE CAN'T FUCKING AFFORD THIS!", then maybe we wouldn't be in this situation.

The worst part? There are those of us who were against the first move, as before, the Voice of Reason et al.

Then there are those of us who were FOR the first move and now sticking the VoR with yet another move. Yes, the Voice of Complete Fucking Stupidity.

1 of these groups of people is going to make this job as difficult as possible, and quickly abandon the project.

The other group will be stuck doing all the work, which includes cleaning up the mess made by the first group in their complete fucking stupidity.

I'm thinking of throwing out 2 ultimatums - the first, we move this time, I do not participate at all. Fuck off, I gave my warning and no one listened, so I refuse to take part in this. I will physically show up at the new house, that's it. Fuck off.

Or two, I'll move this time, but it had better be the last time. Next time we move, "we" don't move, YOU move, and I stay the fuck here.

[SkullKing]

So back in the spring/summer we were living in another place, planning to move into a bigger house. Of course, the Voice of Reason (me) says "Hey, this house costs like...10 times more than our payments now...and we even have trouble making THOSE on time. So is this really a good idea?"

"Of course!" Said The Voices of Complete Fucking Stupidity. "Don't worry about it, we'll make it work!"

Ummm...ok.

how many people were involved in this decision? and How many contribute financially to it?

[DrFaroohk]

how many people were involved in this decision? and How many contribute financially to it?

I dunno, why? I suppose you'd say my wife and her mom and step-father. Well, I doubt it was him, cuz he never gets any say either. (ongoing problem in the family, both my wife and her mom enjoy "volunteering" us for projects and then bailing when it turns out to be actual work)....


I just take the same attitude people take with me: You do something I warned you not to, then it turns sour, don't even think about asking me for help. I already helped.

[anakhouri]

How did they sign a lease/mortgage without you? Seriously, moving, especially with two kids is a Big Deal. I understand your wife and mother-in-law seem pretty overbearing, but you have to stick up for yourself when it involves a decision like this. Unless your in-laws are paying the rent/mortgage, they should have NO say.

As for the present situation, the latter ultimatum seems reasonable to me, as long as you can suport yourself/pay child support.

[HYHYBT]

I'm thinking of throwing out 2 ultimatums - the first, we move this time, I do not participate at all. Fuck off, I gave my warning and no one listened, so I refuse to take part in this. I will physically show up at the new house, that's it. Fuck off.

Or two, I'll move this time, but it had better be the last time. Next time we move, "we" don't move, YOU move, and I stay the fuck here.

The first option is a good way to ensure everything "yours" gets left behind or "lost." The second.... well, sometimes there are good reasons to move.

[Andara Bledin]

Is there anything in your life that you have any control over?

You present yourself as the voice of reason in every situation you post about, but I can't recall that you've ever presented that you've taken any action to prevent the people around you from fucking up your life.

^-.-^

[SkullKing]

(ongoing problem in the family, both my wife and her mom enjoy "volunteering" us for projects and then bailing when it turns out to be actual work)....

You two need to grow a back bone.

Next time she volunteer you for something don´t do it.

You never said you would do it. Say you have other things to do and don´t do it.

Let them deal with the consequences.

And why did you get roped into moving in this situation in the first place? Moving from one house is no small thing. And one that is ten times more expensive to boot?

[DrFaroohk]

Yes, I should stand up for myself. I just hate feeling like such a dick! I have a very low ability to get up in people's faces and dictate policy.

My step-father-in-law is a giant dick. And I' starting to see this as why. It's like with my stepson - I try to get him to do something, I ask nicely, I ask nicely, I ask nicely, no results, I warn it's about to get ugly, still no results, start yelling, RESULTS. And sometimes...it's just easier to skip the first four or five steps.

But I can't get over that feeling of being a dick. I Just want people to have the common sense to recognize that I do tend to know what I'm talking about and maybe it'd be a good idea to listen to me once in a while. But nooooooooooooooo......

[SkullKing]

Seems to me you have trouble differentiating standing up for yourself and being a dick.

Refuse to be forced into something you should not be forced into is not being a dick.

If you refuse to do something you wife volunteered you to do, without talking to you, and she complains, SHE is being the dick, not you.

[DrFaroohk]

But then people lay guilt trips on me. I HATE guilt trips.

It usually starts like with making me feel bad for shooting down their idea, and then it follows with a list of all my infractions in life, and every time they've done something for me, and blah blah blah.

Then they shit on my lifestyle, blame my choices on things like "You'd just rather watch TV than do this!" Well yeah, I would. I never subscribed to the notion that being a man means being unhappy all the time.

[SkullKing]

Than you either harden up, and ignore the guilt trips or fight fire with fire

I mean, from your posts it is obvious you have a lot of complains. Complain right back at them.

This house thing is a prime example.

Tell them that you said it was a dumb idea, and because of them you not only lost the home you were already comfortable in, but also spent a lot of money time and effort in moving twice and trying to keep up with impossible payments.

"You'd just rather watch TV than do this!" Say, Damn right I would rather, and I have the right to want to do things I like with MY time.

I understand that you need to compromise to live with your family. But from what you write you are the only one who compromises.

You need to grow a back bone. This is not an insult. I know that confrontation is difficult to many people. and i know that changing behavior is easier said than done.

The only situation you should let a guilty trip get the better of you is if you genuinely thing that you should feel guilty about it and do something to even the scales.

But if you don´t stand up for yourself things will only get worse.

some times you need to give a little. Moving from a home you can afford to one you can´t is not one of them.

You KNEW it was a stupid I idea. You should have put your foot down and vetoed it. If you were worrying about 'being a dick". You should just have said that you could show it was a bad idea(showing her the numbers) if the could show you an alternative you would listen.

If she guilty-tripped you you said that it was your responsibility to give your family a stable home, and moving a lot because you couldn´t afford where you lived is not the way to do that.

And then if that didn´t bend them, you guilt trip them about harming the whole family with their hare-brained schemes of thinking that positive thinking pays the bills better than responsibility.

Maybe you would fight, and the mood in youir house won´t be good the next day. but sometimes you need to confront your problems. even if your problems are people you care about.

[guywithashovel]

Have you tried sitting down with all parties involved, showing them the monthly household budget, and then showing them how the new mortgage or rent payment would affect it?

For example, maybe sit down with them and say, "Okay, guys. We currently bring home X dollars per month. When we subtract the new mortgage/rent payment along with all other monthly expenses, we'll only have X dollars left over. Do you really think we could make that work? Of course, to drive it home, use a calculator to literally calculate how much of your income this will eat up. Honesty, if that doesn't get the point across, I'm not sure what will.

[Seshat]

There's a balance point between ineffective and aggressive; that balance point is called assertion.

I think you need professional assertiveness training. It's clear you've been so far unable to reach that point on your own.

[DrFaroohk]

lol ya think? I have zero assertiveness. Sometimes I don't even try anymore. My assertiveness is random wisps of information I choose to let those around me in on. If they choose to ignore it, NMFP.

[SkullKing]

My assertiveness is random wisps of information I choose to let those around me in on. If they choose to ignore it, NMFP.

How is being forced to move to a house you can´t afford NYFP?