Myself

[Jaden]

Well.

I doubt anybody here remembers me. I was a member of CS from way back when, just before they moved to the current forum actually. I made a few inane posts around here as well, which I'd prefer if people forgot.

Why am I here now? I don't know. I needed someplace to vent, because I feel as though I'm about to explode, and I felt this would be a better place than CS. I haven't posted here or at CS in 3 years. A lot has changed since then. I've lost friends, been through more relationships, and had my heart broken several times by friends and lovers. I don't want to be a self-indulgent whiner, and I don't want anybody to think that I blame anybody for any of it but myself.

I've sank further and further into depression since...ohh, just after the time I first started going to CS waaaay back in 2006 til the present day. At that time, a relationship had just ended with a girlfriend, and the closest friend of my life for 6 years to that point, and it ended badly. Cheating, drug addiction (both of those were her, not me), all sorts of things were going on, and I just wasn't able to handle it. My world was turned upside down, and I've been on a downward slope ever since.

I tried to go to school and finish college, but I couldn't focus or concentrate. I knew I could do the work, but I always said "What's the point?" and brushed it off, trying time and again to make some sort of difference and fix myself to the point where I could actually make a future for myself. I wanted to do my schoolwork, but I couldn't bring myself to, so I kept failing class after class all the while hating myself more and more for being unable to do something which I knew I could do easily. Eventually, I had to apply for academic relief due to depression and pull out of college. I've been to three different colleges, and managed to pull out a fairly useless two year degree, but with all the time and money wasted, I should've gotten so much more.

And that's another thing is that I feel like such a disappointment to my family. I was always "the good kid". My two eldest brothers never went to college and are drowning in debt since they live way outside their means, and my closest brother ran away with a married woman when he was 17. I had a future. I was smart, good in school, had the common sense not to do stupid shit like my brother did, but eventually it didn't matter. My head got to me, and I let my circumstances and my depression bring my bright future down.

I went to therapy for several months last year, but it didn't help. I'm going again now, after having withdrawn from my university for academic relief, and I'm looking for a job, and I'm on anti-depressants, but I still have trouble keeping my head on straight.

I feel like every time I try for something, it ends in failure. I can't hold onto anything, not friends, not goals...and I feel so alone. All of my close friends have abandoned me, and I don't even fully understand why. Every girl with whom I've been in a serious relationship in the past 6 years has either cheated on me or left me, even after a long time of being together and discussing marriage and such, without giving me an adequate reason. Even my closest friends, the ones who had always been there for me for years, and for whom I had always been there - I may hate myself, but I know I'm an extremely loyal friend - just unceremoniously told me they couldn't be my friend anymore without giving a reason, or just up and vanished. I don't know what I did to deserve such treatment, but it's left me with a host of abandonment issues. I guess that's why I'm venting my troubles on a forum I haven't been to for years.

I'm sorry for the melodrama. I'm sorry for acting like I'm self-centered. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm just constantly tumbling downhill, and no matter how hard I try to stop it, I just get closer and closer to the edge. I've never felt more alone than I do right in this instant.

Thank you for reading all of this, if you did. Sorry to burden you.

[BlaqueKatt]

most of us have been in similar situations, to some degree, I'm there myself right now.....

My main issue is everyone telling me the old standby "if you find yourself in the same situation repeatedly with different people, the problem is likely you."

Which has led to "yup, I am a worthless human being, can't do anything right, and totally unloveable"

Seriously, no friends, family doesn't care, partner of the last 9 years says I'm no longer good enough, now that through my support he has a college degree and a good job. And even with my "good job", I can't afford to live, unless I give up my cats, which are the only reason I stay alive.

So trust me, you're not alone.....

[bara]

Vent away my friends.

Know this. You are NOT alone. While you both have had it worse than me, I will listen. Always.

[Amanita]

Yes, vent away. Nothing is worse than hurt and despair crammed down and forced into silence.
Hugs to both of you!

[blas87]

Katt, I hate that saying as well. There's always a possibility one's own attitude or insecurity can be their own biggest detonator, but it really doesn't do much to remedy someone feeling so down or hopeless by telling them that. And it's not necessarily the root cause of the problem, anyway.

[SkullKing]

Adding my voice to the "vent away"

How insistent were you in demanding an explanation of your friends of why they couldn´t be your friends anymore?

[Jaden]

Well, I can sum it up in another long post.

I had two friends I was very close to. One of them, Christine, she'd been a very strong support for two years or so. She also suffered from depression, so we found a lot of comfort in each other, I suppose. Then, almost exactly a year ago, she told me that we needed to talk and said that she didn't think she could be my best friend anymore. She didn't really say why, but I could infer it from context. You see, shortly before this, she'd just finished with high school and made some friends at a nearby college. She was having some guy problems, which she'd talked to me about, but she'd also spent a weekend at this college, and her friends there helped her out during a very emotional night. She's going to that college now, and she has a lot of friends down there. If I had to guess, she was friends with me for so long because she didn't really have anybody else, but once she got some new friends, and she'd started to get through her depression more quickly than I did, she probably realized hat I needed her more than she needed me at this point and decided I wasn't worth the burden =/ Or at least, that's how I feel.

My second close friend, Elizabeth, I have absolutely no idea. It was extremely strange. So she'd been a close friend of mine for about the same amount of time as Christine, and actually when Christine disappeared, she was helping me get through it a lot. Then, around mid-October of last year, I was talking with Elizabeth via text and we were making plans to get dinner for my birthday. She just kind of disappeared mid-conversation, which I didn't think about at the time since that was fairly typical of her, but when I didn't hear from her for several days (we talked just about every day for over two years) I became very worried, naturally. I tried to track her down, but was unsuccessful. I'd only been to her house a couple of times, and couldn't remember exactly where it was. After giving up for a bit, I decided to go on an adventure to try and find her house, which I managed to do. Her car was parked out front, so I figured I was in luck.

I knocked on the door several times, she didn't answer, so I figured maybe she was out somewhere with other people or something. I went and grabbed some lunch, came back, knocked again a few times, nobody answered, so I left. I figured I'd be back later or the next day. Suddenly, as I was leaving, I got a text from her. It said "I don't want to talk to you. Leave my house or I'm calling the police." I was completely blindsided. All this time I'd been operating under the assumption that she'd lost my number, or her phone broke, and she didn't now how to get in touch with me or something. It never even crossed my mind that she was intentionally avoiding me. Literally, the last thing we had talked about was where to go for dinner. I never slandered her or talked badly about her behind her back, so I know nothing like that could've gotten back to her. I pried her for reasons, but the only thing I got out of her was "Leave me alone." Not wanting to get arrested or any legal trouble, I left, and haven't talked to her since. I am just baffled about this to this day. I know she had some drug problems, so the only thing I can assume right now is that maybe she's isolating herself from everybody due to some sort of drug issue. Whatever the reason, it kills me not to know.

I'd detail my romantic relationship problems in this post, but it's getting too long, so I'll leave it for now. I don't really have anybody to talk to or lean on anymore. Everybody I've ever been close to is gone.

[SkullKing]

Any chance you can talk to them again?

The first one went trough depression too, so maybe if you say that understanding why people leave may help you overcome depression might make her sympathetic to at least explain it.

The second one, there is something seriously wrong.

Can´t you ask her to at least explain it?

Did you have any acquaintances in common that might shed some light on it?

or ask her family or something?

[Jaden]

The first one gave me some vague reasons. She's happy now, at any rate, and she doesn't need me around. And I don't think she'd be willing to admit to herself that that was the actual reason she ditched me, whether it was or not, I don't think I'd be able to get a really straight answer. I think she'd try to justify it in some way that may or may not be true.

As for the second, I straight up went into pleading mode and begged her to tell me what the problem was. All I got was "leave me alone". I tried to get in touch through some acquaintances, but they didn't seem to be too eager to help. She lives with her mom, but I don't have her number so I don't know how to get in touch with her without going to her house and pissing off Elizabeth again for some reason. I agree, something is clearly seriously wrong, but I have no idea what and will probably never know.

[SkullKing]

Damn, that is harsh.

Do you have any hobbies?

they can give you something to enjoy as well as the opportunity to meet new people.

[Jaden]

The only hobbies I really have are music and video games. I've always been kind of a shut in, I guess =/ Like I said, I really am trying to help myself...I'm not just sitting around moping...I'm going to therapy, I'm on anti-depressants, I'm trying to get out of the house, I'm not blaming other people...but my interests aren't very social, and I keep losing the people I care about, and I don't know how to stop it, so I end up just sitting in a corner, hanging my head and not trying so hard at things that never seem to last.

[Amanita]

That Elizabeth sounds like a really crappy excuse for a person. Making plans to meet, disappearing in mid conversation, and threatening you with legal action for knocking on her door, and refusing to say what you did to deserve that? Seriously, fuck her. What a chickenshit piece of work.

[Lace Neil Singer]

I would advise getting medical help. I don't mean that in a nasty way, just that I had clinical depression myself and what helped me was seeing first a doctor then a counsellor. I wasn't given antidepressants, but sometimes you can be prescribed them to lift your mood.

As for Elizabeth, what a total cuntress. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Believe me when I say you're better off without her.

[Jaden]

I am taking anti-depressants. I might need to add something to them, though. I don't know if my doctor would agree, and obviously I'm no expert, but I think I might need another medication supplementing the one I'm taking.

As for Elizabeth, I'd just like to forget about her. I don't hate her. Something clearly must be fucked up in her life, after the long and healthy friendship we had, for something like this to happen. But I wish her well, and I hope she has a good life. I'd like to have a good life as well, I just don't know how to, or what to do, or how to get friends who will stay around.

[blas87]

I am so proud of you for taking the initiative to get help and make things better for yourself. You are already several steps ahead of someone I'm pretty close to who I am sure either has a mental illness or a severe personality disorder.

There is nothing wrong with being a homebody. I am one by financial necessity (that and the extra money I do have, I'd rather spend on clothes and girl crap than on booze or entertainment more expensive than a movie), and as much as I miss the social scene, I've made a pretty decent clean place here and am able to entertain myself just fine.

It's the people who refuse to leave because they hate everyone, and refuse to try to stop those feelings, or feel everyone is the enemy, and are always "hiding" at home because they don't know how to deal with being upset or angry with someone, or unable to deal with work or friends in a healthy way.

No one should be made fun of or given a hard time if they prefer to stay in. It saves money (generally, unless you shop a lot online or something), saves gas, and keeps you out of trouble (usually). But, if you choose to do so just to hide, there's problems.