Fuck depression, and fuck my parents for not taking it seriously (long)

[Talon]

It's around 3:00am here, and I can't sleep.

Could be because I just finished my nightshift rounds, and my body hasn't yet adjusted. Could be because I resorted to coffee to keep from sleeping all day, which I rarely do.

And it could just be that my visiting brother confessed that he'd been planning all month to kill himself. This was to be his farewell visit. Not something you hear everyday.

His therapist made him write and sign an agreement promising he wouldn't go through with it, at least not until his next appointment.

I suppose I took the news pretty well, Arv said he was surprised I wasn't pissed at him for seriously considering taking the easy way out. Then again I am still awake posting this. He's had this miserable disease since his teens. He's tried once before (that I know of), but he wised up and sought medical attention before any serious damage was done. He showed me his note, but like the Silent Hill 2 protagonist, I didn't need to examine the proverbial bloody knife. I don't need to see it to get that his condition is serious. More than I can say for some people.

I am not a believer in a god or gods, or any kind of supernatural/divine design or control to our lives. If I were, for inflicting such horrors as depression (among other things) on us, I'd like nothing better than to tell the feckless thug exactly what I think of him/her/it.

But railing against human-made fables is pointless. My parents are another story, particularly my mom. She's as thick as cement and she doesn't get it. Arv's school started to suffer around the same time as the disease began to manifest. The way mom was raised, if you weren't acing all your classes, you were a failure, and that was her attitude toward us. I don't recall a single word of encouragement out of her mouth, just judgments and screaming matches. Even after he was diagnosed, she still didn't get it. She didn't get that sometimes he just didn't have the will to get out of bed in the morning. All she could do was ride his ass. Speaking of being thick as cement, Arv often tried to be diplomatic with her, but she never got that either. She just kept pushing and pushing, until he exploded at her. Then her attitude was "waaah everybody in this house hates meeeeeeeeee!!" Fucking pathetic.

Finally after years of being at each other's throats, Arv had enough and moved out. That was back in 1997. Then 5 years later he had an abrupt mood swing and wanted to move back home. I knew it would be a disaster, but to my everlasting regret I said nothing. I hate being right about something like this. After 3 months of the same old ass-riding bullshit, he moved out again. And she still didn't get why.

To the present day. I've graduated, got a great job, and paid off all my tuition debts in under a year (not that mom has anything good to say about that). Arv said he was inspired by my example, and tried to finish his own 4-year program. He's 1 lousy course away, but he just can't mange it. He tried taking a semester off, but his depression just got worse.

How many depressed people make it this far? Probably very few. Does mom care? She's helped with the financial burden, but has she ever said a single word of encouragement to him? Never. Until he graduates with top honours, starts making 100,000K per year, marries a rich girl and has 5 kids, he's a failure. He's just making excuses in her eyes. Almost 20 fucking years have passed and she STILL DOESN'T GET IT. To a lesser extent, Dad's doesn't seem to get it either.

Once I entertained the notion that Arv didn't really want to get better and graduate, and I said as much. He set me straight, and I'm glad. He hears people talk about the things they've done with their life, and he gets so angry and frustrated that he hasn't done anything with his life. Hell I almost wish he had punched me out.

More than once in my life, I said nothing when I should have said something. Like when Arv had his change of heart. More recently I should have said something on those multiple occasions when both mom and dad made disparaging remarks about Arv.

But that's all over now.

I'm drawing a line in the sand. I'm putting the parents on notice. Next time dad, or especially my cement-headed mom, accuses Arv of laziness, I swear they WILL regret it.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant. Perhaps I'll go outside in the cold for some air, see if the cat next door wants to keep me company again. Or maybe I'll try this sleeping nonsense again, for what little of night remains.

The night is always darkest before dawn.

[SkullKing]

I'm drawing a line in the sand. I'm putting the parents on notice. Next time dad, or especially my cement-headed mom, accuses Arv of laziness, I swear they WILL regret it.

He is lucky to have you.

Good luck to you both.

[Andara Bledin]

You might consider, if you think it will help at all, having your parents attend a family counseling session. Perhaps, if sat down and laid out for your mother and father, they might actually get a clue about why depression is so hard for those who have it, and how much damage their attitudes are causing.

^-.-^

[Akasa]

As someone who suffers for depression, thank you for standing up for your brother.

[BlaqueKatt]

Perhaps, if sat down and laid out for your mother and father, they might actually get a clue about why depression is so hard for those who have it, and how much damage their attitudes are causing.

Why do so many people still not understand that depression is as real as any other chronic treatable illness?

I'd ask your parents if your brother was diabetic, or had leukemia would they treat him the same? Depression is an actual PHYSICAL PROBLEM that manifests like any other problem, but the treatment is harder, even though it's know what physical issues cause it(deficiency of neurotransmitters), fixing those problems are more trial and error as the causes of the deficiencies vary from person to person.

[DrFaroohk]

I wish people would get that depression and other emotional problems are no different than having polio or MS.

If you have MS, it means your body isn't working right and so you're confined to a wheelchair.

It's the same with other things. I have depression issues, my brain doesn't work right. The chemicals and electrical impulses that your brain sends out, saying "times are tough but chin up mate!" doesn't work in my brain. I can't "get over it" anymore than stephen hawking can "get over it" and start living an active life.

he's lucky he has you, someone who's not just constantly judging him for being "weak". Wish I'd had that brother growing up.

[Rageaholic]

But railing against human-made fables is pointless. My parents are another story, particularly my mom. She's as thick as cement and she doesn't get it. Arv's school started to suffer around the same time as the disease began to manifest. The way mom was raised, if you weren't acing all your classes, you were a failure, and that was her attitude toward us. I don't recall a single word of encouragement out of her mouth, just judgments and screaming matches. Even after he was diagnosed, she still didn't get it. She didn't get that sometimes he just didn't have the will to get out of bed in the morning. All she could do was ride his ass. Speaking of being thick as cement, Arv often tried to be diplomatic with her, but she never got that either. She just kept pushing and pushing, until he exploded at her. Then her attitude was "waaah everybody in this house hates meeeeeeeeee!!" Fucking pathetic.

I know a lot of people who do that. They'll boss you around tell you what to do, but when you confront them, you're the bad guy! I think it's called DARVO "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender". I'm getting to the point where the next time someone pulls this, I will give them the cold shoulder. I don't care how hard they cry about how they were only trying to help and that I should be more greatful. They were the ones being assholes, I have the right to call them out on it. FUCK. THEM.

As far as depression goes, I have little tolerance for people being so cold hearted toward those who are depressed or have struggles. I'm lucky to have a supportive family who aren't judging me even when I completely screw up (which I do a lot). Unfortunately, when you're depressed, you can be your own worst critic. That combined with people judging you and holding you to a high standard is just pouring gasoline on an already burning fire.

That's why I despise people like Tiger Mom. They have no patience or compassion, just extremely high standards. And that is one hell of a way to live.

[crashhelmet]

I, too, am proud that you're standing up for your brother. What he needs more than anything is love, support, and strength.

[Talon]

Wow has it been almost 2 monthis since I posted this?

Thanks for all your replies, I appreciate it.

When mommy dearest found out Arv dropped out of his last course last winter, she had a massive temper tantrum. A great gem from that was her ranting that she should just kill herself. Then Arv dropped his bombshell on me, I had to either vent or destroy something.

I haven't talked with the parents yet, only because the subject hasn't come up. I think I can get through to dad, but mom I accept as a lost cause. She doesn't seem to get much of anything. She's like a toddler on a perpetual tantrum. The entire universe revolves around her, she wants what she wants when she wants it, reasons be damned.

You might consider, if you think it will help at all, having your parents attend a family counseling session. Perhaps, if sat down and laid out for your mother and father, they might actually get a clue about why depression is so hard for those who have it, and how much damage their attitudes are causing.
^-.-^

I doubt it. Such a session might have made a difference way back when we were all one "happy" family under the same roof. The damage is already done. At least now Arv doesn't have to put up with her bullshit on a daily basis anymore.

They'll boss you around tell you what to do, but when you confront them, you're the bad guy! I think it's called DARVO "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender".

DARVO you say? I'll have to remember that one.
But I'm pretty sure I already recognized the pattern long ago, even if I didn't have a name for it. Once someone's pulling the DARVO card, they're not talking TO you anymore, but talking AT you, or down to you. At that point it's not worth talking or even listening to them anymore. They've effectively conceeded the argument. Time to shut them down.

Since I posted this, Arv hasn't done anything stuipd. We got together 2 weeks ago with an old buddy of his to watch Avengers, fun times were had by all.

As for mom, as always I'm on my guard when she's around. Lost cause or not, if she starts any shit or even implies Arv's being lazy, if she's not willing to respond to reason then I'll let her have it with all 6 barrels.

[protege]

Why do so many people still not understand that depression is as real as any other chronic treatable illness?

Because depression still has some stigma attached to it. Plus, there aren't any outward signs that someone has it. By that, I mean most people who have it...don't look different from someone that doesn't. Plus, many choose not to reveal that they have it...because of the social stigma.

I've had to deal with depression most of my life. For years, I always felt that something was wrong with me...but my parents really didn't want to deal with it. It was far easier to scream at me because I couldn't pay attention in school, and had difficulty with things. They actually called me "stupid." Seriously? I fucking taught *myself* to read, and *I'm* the stupid one? Fuck you. Probably why I don't exactly trust most people...and those I do, it takes a *long* time, and even then, I'm still reluctant to talk about it.

It wasn't until my junior year of high school, at which point I'd finally had enough. By then, I was taking shit from everyone--parents, most people at school (including teachers), and I'd hinted that I simply didn't want to be on the planet any more. That's when I finally got help...and yes, I got *blamed* because it was "expensive," and my parents "couldn't afford it." Again, fuck that shit. The only family member who *didn't* give me shit, was my late grandmother. She kinda understood that something wasn't right with me...possibly because she was having to deal with it herself?

Not long ago, my mother was actually going on about how I'd been "cured" of it. Unfortunately, she's wrong. Despite what the commercials claim, it doesn't "go away." You can *control* it, but it never truly goes away. I have to deal with that shit *every* day. I don't want to take pills again for it. Did that once, didn't like the side affects, not doing it again.

[HYHYBT]

I expect many people who have it don't realize they do. Any oddity in the way your brain works, you might well overlook because it's the only brain you've ever seen from the inside, so to speak. Or at least, realize it *is* odd, but not that it is what it is.

[Rageaholic]

I expect many people who have it don't realize they do. Any oddity in the way your brain works, you might well overlook because it's the only brain you've ever seen from the inside, so to speak. Or at least, realize it *is* odd, but not that it is what it is.

It also doesn't help when you have people saying crap like "life is tough get used to it".

[Zaiida]

http://www.buzzlol.com/wp-content/up...al-Illness.jpg

I'm glad you are backing up your brother. My mum's not quite as bad but the ultimate irony is is she's also bipolar and she's ordering me to snap out of it.

Most people don't get mental illness and it's so tiring trying to explain it repeatedly, constantly, every day.