My wife's friend. Long/Language

[Ninja_Sushi]

This is just going to be a giant rant, but I have nowhere to vent but here...So here it goes.

At one point in time, my wife's friend and I got along. We all got along, and things went just as things should with friends. Then, I grew up. I grew up in a very short period of time due to getting screwed by a friend and the justice system, and am proud of myself for growing more mature. Anyway, I realized my wifes friend is very immature. She is 21, has a child, no job, lives with her mom (who is freeloading off some sucker of a guy...what a great mother she has), and large amounts of debt, and goes to bars a LOT.

The turning point of this friendship was when she started taking my wife away from me. She "needed" my wife to babysit. This resulted in my wife staying at her friends for 3 to 4 days out of the week. Watching her friends kid. While she went out and did "errands". What kind of errands can you do without making any money whatsoever?

Next, she uses my wife for money. Now Im not saying wifey is dumb, but if she cant see that what her friend is doing nothing but manipulating her....She is blind. She almost took out a $500 dollar loan from behind my back to help her friend pay her car payment. Really? And her friend has the balls to say "thanks for trying to help me out, if Justin knew, he'd throw a bitch fit". (Bad on my part but I went through texts...oops)

Then her friend also tries to get me to be a designated driver so she and her mom can go party. Then gets pissed off when I say no. Which in turn, pisses my wife off cause I wont "just do this one thing". I swear, I dont know how her friend did it, but she has my wife wrapped around her finger. And my wife cant see it. ITS SO OBVIOUS! I ask my wife, when is the last time your friend bought you lunch? Helped you pay a bill? Sacrificed her time to help you?
She just tells me "She needs my help, she has a kid and thats what friends do".
Her friend had the kid, and not trying to sound like a douche...but tough fuckin cookies! She had a kid, welcome to adult life now. No more partying all the time, no more being irresponsible, no more freeloading. Adult the fuck up! Sorry, you cant be 21. Its time to be a mom. And moms dont sleep in til 3PM cause they drank all night.

I have more venting to do, but this turned really long so more will be added. Man, this just frustrates me.

[Akasa]

She sounds like bad news.

[Ninja_Sushi]

Oh she is. And Im not saying I want to control my wife, cause that sounds bad...But Id like to have a certain level of it so she leans more towards my side than her friends side.

[Boozy]

The turning point of this friendship was when she started taking my wife away from me.

Perhaps if you treated your wife as an independant adult with thoughts, feelings, and motivations of her own, she would want to spend more time with you.

You say that "wifey isn't dumb", but you're also attributing 100% of her actions and decisions to this friend of hers. Why don't you give your spouse a little credit? Personally, if my husband thought I was an easily manipulated fool, I'd be less inclined to hang around with him. I have no problem picking up the tab for lunch with a friend if that friend actually treats me as an equal.

I don't think you have a "friend" problem. I think you have a marriage problem.

[Gravekeeper]

Perhaps if you treated your wife as an independant adult with thoughts, feelings, and motivations of her own, she would want to spend more time with you.

Whoa whoa whoa. Back up a step here. How in the world did you shift the entire problem back on him based on just a venting post? If the basic facts if the case here are true ( Spending half her week babysitting the friends kid, giving her money behind his back despite knowing he wouldn't approve, generally sounding like an all around mooch ) the problem is definately not entirely in his court.

Insinuating this is entirely his fault and he's mistreating his wife somehow based on just a venting post is overreaching, unfair and honestly I'd be kind of insulted if I were him.

[Boozy]

I don't think the problem is his fault really, but I do think the solution lies between him and his wife. The friend isn't entirely the problem.

[tropicsgoddess]

Sounds like his wife is oblivious to how her friend is really just using her. It's not easy to get somebody else to see that and they'll be blind to that until it's too late or until they get hit hard with the truth.

[drunkenwildmage]

I'm wondering, if some of your Wife's actions are because, in her mind, the is trying to help the kid, then her friend.

As much as i hate to say it, something else I'm wondering, is if she is spending that much time over there, how strong is your marriage? Regardless of the reasons, this is something you need to talk to her about.

[Ninja_Sushi]

We have a strong marriage. Its just her friend knows how to pull her heartstrings. I agree that a part of this is my fault for not standing up and speaking my mind about the issue. But if the wife wasnt so stubborn, Id easily be able to share that opinion. I have to do it slowly and in doses.

See, the wife is very independent, and grew up with the my way or no way way of thinking. Other than that I love her for who she is and all that she is...until she makes a decision based of feeling based on logical thinking. She is stuck in this mindset of helping her friend. In her mind she is helping and being a best friend, in my mind I see her being used for her money and child watching skills. She doesnt even get paid to do it. Id have less of a problem if she was getting paid. Buth her friends version of paying her back is taking her out to go party...where, guess what, wife buys all the drinks. There goes more money. So I end up paying rent and bills all alone.

I realize this marriage looks rocky as hell, but believe me when I say we have been through waaayyyy worse (her mom moving in, minimum wage jobs) And I know this will end eventually. I had a friend that used me for money and ended the friendship when I realized what was happening. My wife realizes, just is justifying it as help for her needy friend. Ive known the girl since Highschool and she always had a subordinate friend who idolized her. Shes a manipulator. Again, more to come. This is a biiiggg situation. I forget things and details

[Andara Bledin]

Perhaps point out to your wife that if she keeps doing what she's doing, not only will the friend never learn how to take care of herself, but eventually the wife and you will no longer be in a position to help at all, whether it's just another party night or a real emergency.

^-.-^

[Ninja_Sushi]

I have, but shes not listening. They both agreed to always be there for each other. I would swear THEY were married.

[Andara Bledin]

I take it she doesn't know what happens to butterflies when you "help" them out of their cocoons.

The Story of the Butterfly

^-.-^

[BlaqueKatt]

I would swear THEY were married.

Tell her this, and remind her that you need her too, and friend's child needs her mom, not your wife, stop enabling.

[Nekojin]

Although I'm sure that you haven't yet put this in a "her or me" ultimatum yet, there may come a time where you feel that it's coming down to that.

Don't do it. Don't ever make an ultimatum like that unless you're willing to deal with the consequences if they choose the other person - which they probably will, if you're the one putting them on the spot. Even if you're 99% in the right with regard to the conflict, that 1% will end up being a massive wedge, and you'll come out looking like the heel.

[bainsidhe]

Oh, this hits close to home on this one.

What your wife needs to think long and hard about is what it is she's really getting from the relationship. What would happen if say, she couldn't do any favors for her friend for an entire month. No babysitting, no monetary favors, no errand running, nothing. How much would they hang out if wife wasn't buying drinks, or driving, or babysitting, etc? Could the friendship survive it?

Does friend ever call to say Hi without wanting something in return? And I'm not just talking favors, does friend ever call for regular chit-chat, that does NOT include complaining or venting to a sympathetic ear? Now let's turn that around. Can wife call friend to vent and complain without being told friend is busy or having her friend one-up her?

When was the last time friend spontaneously offered to do something for wife without any expectation of reward? For example, inviting to a party doesn't count if wife is driving or paying for drinks. Inviting over for movie night doesn't count if friend has to leave to run errands and wife is left to babysit. Also doesn't count if movie night includes snacks/takeout that wife pays for.

Is friend quick to take offense if she's not flattered or sympathized with?

I had a former coworker who was a moocher and master manipulator. I introduced her to my friends, who she manipulated and mooched from as well. Getting fired wasn't her fault. Being evicted wasn't her fault. And she was always ooooh so grateful for my help. But she didn't respect other people, their time, or their property. Had I not been feeling so proud of myself for being a good friend, I would've noticed. Moocher convinced my close friend G to drive her to another state during an ice storm (stupid, I know). Shortly after leaving, they hit a patch of black ice and rear-ended somebody. G insisted they head back home, and moocher whined and cried and got pissed because G refused to take her where she wanted to go. Moocher could care less about the busted car.

All it takes is one good burn to drop a moocher like a brick. Sadly, your wife will have to learn that on her own.