I can't get away with snarkiness

[DrFaroohk]

...the way other people can.

I was reminded of it at Easter Dinner yesterday. Dad was cooking, and everyone was slowly crowding him more and more. It's a tiny house, tiny kitchen, 10 people there.

So finally dad loudly proclaims "Hey, could a few more people come stand over here!?? I still have some room left!"

And everyone chuckles and immediately understands and moves away.

I've said similar shit like that before, and I'm always met with dirty looks, cold stares, muttering about "who the fuck does he think he is...asshole..." and generally any other negative rewards they can come up with.

Obviously that's not an isolated incident, and it's been happening most of my life. Anything I say is met with instant hostility.

It's not just me, either. My stepsister is the same. One christmas she was down visiting, after she'd been living in texas. Well her brother starts in on her the way he usually does. "You talk too much, you're fat, you're gross, your tits are too big, you're stupid and slow, you can't ever find a good man, you work shitty jobs..."

As he usually does.

But this year, sis has been living in the city, and developed a bit of an attitude. So she stands up for herself! Every time he cuts into her, she either has a cleverly worded "shut up and leave me alone" phrased, or she points out one of HIS flaws. She's fat, well he's short. Her ex is a drug addict; he just can't keep a woman happy.

Suddenly, everyone is on HER ass about everything. "OMG why are you so caustic all the time!?!?!?!"

There needs to be laws against being this stupid!!!

[HYHYBT]

It could easily be in *how* you say it... or, at least for the example you gave, perhaps because it was said by and among people who aren't together all the time.

And you wouldn't likely pick up on the difference in how you say something. You'd have to get someone you trust to witness examples and tell you.

[DrFaroohk]

I'm sure it's possible that some people might take my tone to be more offensive...but that's kind of their problem, too. It's the fact that right as soon as it's said, someone like my dad, or my step bro, is thought to have said something pleasant. When they hear my talk, it's instant "How can I take this the worst way possible?"

That also comes back on me. "Hey man he called me a fat motherfucker!"

"Well, he was obviously joking. You need to not take everything so personally."

And people wonder why I feel like I get picked on. Ok, maybe I don't, but do you call it then?

[siead_lietrathua]

some people just seem to be able to get away with shit others cant. higher charisma rolls at birth or something.

[HYHYBT]

I'm sure it's possible that some people might take my tone to be more offensive...but that's kind of their problem, too.

Well, that depends on where you choose to draw such lines, which in turn depends on what you want out of the situation. Certainly, if your primary goal is blame allocation, you can say it's their fault. on the other hand, if your goal is to remedy the situation, well, you do have control over the tone of your own voice. therefore, if there is another tone available that would lead to a better result, and, knowing that (or at least that it's a possibility) you choose to use the one you know will lead to trouble.... well, then, to that extent it's on you.

[blas87]

I think it depends on how long in your life you were known as passive/submissive or not really a mouthy person. I'm not saying you are or were those things, but I've experienced it a lot at work.

I established myself as someone who is generally pretty easy going, wants everyone to get along, blah blah blah....well, times changed, people changed, I quit wanting to play nicey nice because it wasn't working out in the long run, and all of a sudden, I have a "bad attitude" and all that jazz when I start standing up for myself or start calling people out on how they treat me.

So, I guess it's too little too late? Maybe in my "learning" to stand up, I might have gotten a bitchy tone or maybe I just come across as really rude or standoff-ish now.

[DrFaroohk]

Well, as long as I remember I've always been told I'm too mouthy, have a bad attitude, or am fresh, or whatever, and seriously smacked down for it. More so than other people. Oh, my charmingly funny cousin mike can say literally whatever he wants all the time. I get smacked for even laughing at what he said.

I remember a high school incident where a kid in a math class kept poking fun at me - my stutter, my weight, my nervous ticks bordering on tourettes, etc...until one day I said "Dude make all jokes you want, but I'm not the 19 year old sitting in a freshman class."

And OH MY GOD I SUDDENLY CROSSED A LINE. Yes, everything else was fine, even the teacher got a few cracks out of his witty comments, but goddamn if I should ever say something back!

[blas87]

I know what you mean.

I have a shift lead who thinks it's absolutely hilarious when she fucks up. Like, literally. She has broken machines, let product fall on the floor from the conveyer lines, because she's trying to do 50 things at one time and also micromanage the hell out of everyone. She laughs at that and laughs when her mistakes inconvenience someone else. Or blames someone else.

Rip on her or dare call her out on it, and wow are you the first in the bosses office to have a chat about your attitude problem.

[DrFaroohk]

Yep. It was even like that my last job.

List of acceptable behaviors:

Processing fish soaked in diesel fuel; swearing; sexual relations with your subordinates; using hardcore drugs with subordinates; almost killing subordinates when they OD from your hardcore drugs; swearing; throwing fish at people; throwing ice and snow at people; running over people with the forklift.

Not Acceptable Behaviors: Imprinting the word cunt on a styrofoam box (which will be invisible after a few minutes away).


Huh. No, no that's totally fair. I get it. Absolutely no one is picking on me! It's totally acceptable that all those behaviors are accepted, but my little one was not. That's absolutely reasonable!

[SkullKing]

I think that it is because since your are not normally snark. when the snarkness comes from you it has more weight.

That happens to me when I swear.

I almost never swear, so when I do swear(even if it is a mild swearword) I give people pause.