non-parents and parenting advice

[KellyHabersham]

*Not sure "advice" is the right word to use, and I'm definitely not saying that non-parents can't or shouldn't have opinions on parenting, my rant applies to this particular situation*

My brother and his wife (I'll call them Jake and Rachel) have recently announced that they're expecting their first child this fall. I'm looking forward to being an aunt again, but they've already made a few comments about how they "know what not to do" when it comes to being a parent, and hint at not going to make the same mistakes as other people. (this came up a bit at Easter dinner yesterday, in light of the difficulties my daughter's had as a teen)

Some of which is valid, but I find this sort of attitude frustrating for various reasons, the following being a few:

- it's very easy to say "Oh I'm going to do this and that when I have kids", but that does NOT guarantee it will happen when you actually become a parent. (speaking from personal experience)

- I don't feel it's fair to make a comparison with my parenting situation, because it's known that I have mental/emotional problems which I can't afford treatment for (although I'm trying to work on things). Also, it needs to be factored in that my daughter's father is not in the picture, and that there are valid reasons why I'm not able to take care of my daughter myself.

- I get along well enough with "Rachel", but she apparently feels that my mom should have either forced me into having an abortion, or kicked me out of the house when I got pregnant. (she's never said anything directly to me, but she feels I should be totally responsible for my daughter, regardless of why it would not be possible at this time)

[siead_lietrathua]

remind them that parenting isnt a competition, it's a commitment, and if they are more concerned about one-upping other people's parenting or children, then they shouldn't have kids.
watch their brains break a bit

[BlaqueKatt]

"no plan survives contact with the enemy"

they did a study not too long ago, gave surveys to couples that were either expecting their first child, or preparing to try and conceive, then gave a follow up a few years later.....all the parents that said "my child will never do x/ I'll never do x as a parent", yup child did x, and parent did x.

Every child is unique, as is every parent, you cannot plan for parenting, as you cannot plan your reactions to your child's actions and personality.

Heck I had planned on returning to work, my son's allergies to anything but my breast milk and my total inability to pump stopped that in a hurry, his autism disrupted my "plans" as well, life is what happens while we're busy making plans.

[anakhouri]

Oh, I wouldn't worry too much...like BK said, they're in for a kick in the teeth when the kid actually arrives. All parents chuckle to themselves when people who are expecting lay out their parenting plans...because people who are already parents know it doesn't work that way. I'm sure people who knew me when I was pregnant were laughing to themselves too.

[fireheart17]

I keep thinking of the same thing that happens when women give birth. I have heard SO many stories of a pregnant woman having everything planned out, right down to the colour of her nightie, only for things to go belly-up and she instead ends up having a C-section or gives birth in the car halfway to the hospital.

[Mishi]

"no plan survives contact with the enemy"

So very true! Which is why I read everything I can get my hands on and try to be as flexible as possible. What works for one kid doesn't always work for another, and some things just don't work at all! Rugz and I changed a lot after we had kids; we're a lot less judgemental now and much more fun to be around.

@Fireheart: My midwives giggled with me because I wore interesting nighties - "Wild Child!" and "Shake it, Baby!"

[anakhouri]

I have heard SO many stories of a pregnant woman having everything planned out, right down to the colour of her nightie, only for things to go belly-up and she instead ends up having a C-section

Yep, I had it all planned out...and at the last minute Khan turned his head funny and got wedged against my pelvic bone. He was almost out too.

Luckily when you have a c-section they give you crazy drugs that make you feel absolutely nothing, and even more drugs that make you not even care you're having a c-section.