This Is Why I Don't Stand Up To My Parents

[blas87]

Or, moreso, my mom.

I will admit my own fault in this whole thing was that, as always, I let something bottle up because I'm not "allowed" to feel a certain way (at work) or obviously can't let loose of my stress how I'd like to, and all it really takes is someone pushing that one last button that sends the whole boat on fire.

But, it was a good opportunity to call her out on her behavior. But no, it backfired. I'm the bad guy. As always.

I made a snide remark. To one of my pets. Yes, one of my pets. About bugging me while I was trying to eat. It wasn't meant to hurt anyone. It was a snide remark.

All of a sudden, my mom starts instantly raising her voice and starting one of her lectures, same as she ALWAYS did when I was younger and even a young adult living at home. You know the mommy spiel, "blah blah blah, bad attitude, blah blah, this is going to stop now, you're going to start acting like an adult and blah blah blargle blargle"

I didn't even let her get past, "Ya know, if you'd stop acting this childish" or whatever she started with, cut her off, and said "Ya know, I don't come here to visit you guys to get the same lectures as I got as a kid."

Of course, then I was cut off, and it got worse and worse. I mean, all I was trying to do was say that IT. WAS. A. JOKE. towards the PETS, and then it mudslided into my "attitude" and "immaturity" and another unwanted lecture and I don't NEED to be talked to like that anymore............and I mean, it got to the point my mother nearly gave herself an asthma attack and was hyperventalating and actually honest to God threatening to leave this whole family because "I" make her feel so horrible and if "I" feel that she's "so horrible", she should just leave and let me take over HER role in the family and see how I like how hard it is! Dad is standing right next to her, and all I can think of is, gee.....the rest of the time, when she's yelling at Dad, she's screaming for my support, now that she wants to scream at me, she wants Dad's support, while she basically bashes him and my brother and accuses everyone of taking advantage of her. Wow.

Just wow.

Yeah, we went there.

So, me not wanting to be lectured and to be treated like an adult....turned into how I don't listen, I take advantage of my family, I'm just an immature little brat who needs to learn to control herself.

[DrFaroohk]

You gotta be more creative in how to throw shit back in their faces. For instance, if your mom has a problem with your attitude, it would be really handy the next time she's in trouble to NOT stick up for her.

"Oh help me my drunk abusive boyfriend is hitting me make him stop!"

"Sorry mom, that seems like an awfully rude thing to do."

[siead_lietrathua]

sometimes the easiest thing to do is, amid their screaming, thank the other people at the table for dinner, apologize for having seem to have worn out your welcome, and leave. i(f you live with them, then just go out for a couple hours drive or something.) do this every time they start in on you for no reason.
when the opportunity strikes to talk to your dad or siblings alone, jsut explain to them that you are too old to take the verbal abuse anymore and, fi your mum chooses to be confrentational, then you will leave.
does it suck? ya. will it help keep you sane? definatly.

[Andara Bledin]

Plus, if you take a stand that is non-confrontational, it turns back on the person actually causing the problem as opposed to being deflected onto you.

Often, once it's been determined that you won't just sit and take whatever abuse is being thrown at you, the person doing it will ratchet down until they reach a point where you'll sit and take what they're dishing out.

^-.-^

[draco664]

it got to the point my mother nearly gave herself an asthma attack and was hyperventalating and actually honest to God threatening to leave this whole family because "I" make her feel so horrible and if "I" feel that she's "so horrible", she should just leave and let me take over HER role in the family and see how I like how hard it is!

If that is actually what happened and not just hyperbole, your mother has a serious mental issue. If her self-esteem is so low that she has a physiological response to a perceived attack on her authority, she needs to seek professional assistance. She needs help. Talk to you father about it if you cannot approach her.

If it was just an exaggeration however, I concur with siead - apologize to the other people at the table for your presence causing distress, and leave. Do that a few times, and she'll soon get the hint.

[Greenday]

I'm big on calling people out for acting retarded. I've had to stop my mom mid-craziness and call her out for acting ridiculous and told her to get back to me when she can act like an adult.

Public shaming seems to be the only cure.

[blas87]

I was not exaggerating. I wasn't sure if she was truly giving herself an asthma attack or if she was just playing it up.

It's not as easy as just leaving. I can't just walk out the door. I will be followed and screamed at. The whole neighborhood will hear, if they didn't hear her screaming yesterday. I've tried Dad's approach, which is stay calm, don't raise your voice much, let her get all riled up and try to get her to see she's being an ass, but that really does not work. At all. She just keeps yelling and tells you to quit yelling at her and let her talk.

Public humiliation comes at a price. Your own humiliation. I was humiliated more times as a kid and teen than I care to remember by getting public lectures about my horrible attitude, immaturity, sassy mouth, and how it will END and it will END right NAAAAOOOW, do you HEAR ME?!?! Yeah. Great times at the grocery store. If you even try to ask her to stop it, ask her to calm down, ask her to wait till later to talk about it, it just fuels the fire.

I will not try public humiliation. She's better at it than the rest of us.

I know everyone means well, but you don't know my mom. And, unfortunately, my brother has it better than I do in the fact that he can flat out tell her to shut up and knock it off, and she does get weepy, but she quiets down and gives up. Somewhere along the line, he stood up to her and whatever it took, when she starts shit with him, he can tell her off and she'll knock it off. With me, it doesn't take anything, she starts a fight, instantly claims victim rights and starts screaming. Trust me, there have been a few times in recent years I have actually swore at her, tried to tell her to shut up, tried to tell her she's crazy, I mean, gotten downright honest and mean, hoping she'd see that I was done playing nice and watching my mouth. Then she cries and screams and looks to Dad to take her side and then makes it all about herself and threatens to leave or whatever threat she can come up with.

[HotelKatz]

Dang, Blas. It sounds like your mother could pass for a clone of my grandma.

I don't know what to say.

A part of me says make a scene right back. But that can easily backfire or simply won't work.

[Nekojin]

Sometimes, standing up for yourself is the only way to earn a parent's respect for your own independence. There was a time when I was in a bad place that I'd gotten myself into. My father called, and we started talking, which rapidly turned into him lecturing me at length. After trying to get a word in edgewise several times and failing, I just simply hung up on him. He called back a few minutes later, and the conversation resumed on a much lower tone - he clearly got the message that I no longer had to just sit there and be lectured, and that I would not tolerate it. Our relationship improved significantly after that.

[Nyoibo]

Video her carying on, then play it back to her later, maybe she'll realise what an irrational twit she's being.

[cindybubbles]

Just get up, get your things and leave. If this is your house, insist that she leave or you call the police for harassment.

[draco664]

It's not as easy as just leaving. I can't just walk out the door. I will be followed and screamed at.

As opposed to what? Sitting there and being screamed at? That's retarded.

Stop being passive and just fucking leave. She can't shout at you if you're not there.

The more you sit there and take it, the more you enable her behaviour. Just. Leave. Even the densest specimin of humanity will eventually make the connection between shouting and the target of their ire leaving. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. There will be tension.

But fuck it, there's already tension and discomfort. Do something constructive about it.

[blas87]

Any of you are welcome to come here and try your tactics and see what works for you.

The day you try to stand up to your biggest worst bully and it backfires and just gets worse, you'll rescind your chest pounding and making it sound like it's as easy as up and walking away.

It's just the same as trying to stand up to my awful shift lead at work, and getting myself warned about my attitude and told that I'm the problem and the bully.

Whatever I'm doing wrong in my approach or words, I really gotta evaluate. Because no matter how calm I try to stay with my mom or how well I try to not explode on idiots at work, nothing works to stop the episodes from happening when they do.

[siead_lietrathua]

lived most of my life with a bro that sounds just like ur mum. verbal and physical assault was par the course. trust me, better to stand for yourself by leaving, then letting it keep escalating till it gets physical. got the scars to prove that one
leaving does wonders, if for nothing better than to calm them down. words do nothing but wind them up more. you could be saying anything, even agreeing with them, they wouldnt hear it and just keep ranting on.

[Nekojin]

Any of you are welcome to come here and try your tactics and see what works for you.

The day you try to stand up to your biggest worst bully and it backfires and just gets worse, you'll rescind your chest pounding and making it sound like it's as easy as up and walking away.

It's just the same as trying to stand up to my awful shift lead at work, and getting myself warned about my attitude and told that I'm the problem and the bully.

Whatever I'm doing wrong in my approach or words, I really gotta evaluate. Because no matter how calm I try to stay with my mom or how well I try to not explode on idiots at work, nothing works to stop the episodes from happening when they do.

Standing up to parents is a hugely different scenario than standing up to an abusive manager. It's not just a different ballpark, it's a different world. The fact that you're comparing the two and putting them on the same level shows that you really do need to reevaluate things. I don't mean this as an insult.

Jobs are what they are. Losing a job is horrible, looking for a job after being fired (especially in this economy, and especially when you're one or two paychecks from being evicted) is a nightmare. But it can be done, and people do it every day. But a job's a job, and your family is yours for life - you can't get a new one if you don't like the one you came equipped with.

Assuming that you and your family actually love each other, and don't have one of those abusive relationships where the parents are actually harming the children (physically or mentally), everything can be mended. Harsh words can be said, and it doesn't have to be permanent or irrevocable.

Every parent needs to learn when to let go. While some parents cut the figurative umbilical and push their kids out of the nest when it's time for the kids to get out, spread their wings, and fly on their own, some parents just can't manage that. Some will treat their children as, well, children, to be scolded, prodded, and nagged into line every time things go even a little astray. And with those kinds, it's up to the children to eventually cut loose on their own, to tell the parents that they're not children any more, that they're mature, grown adults in their own right.

And that can be the hardest thing in the world to do... but it's something that most people need to do at some point - to have their parents finally acknowledge that the offspring isn't a child any more, and worthy to stand as an equal. And sometimes, it requires a little tough love, a figurative slap in the face to get there.

Walking out on a job was hard. Hanging up on my father was harder. Guess which one I regret more, 20 years later?