Me

[fireheart17]

I really hate myself right now. So much. Here are the reasons why:

1) I look at food and I put on weight. I am that serious. The only way I would potentially be able to lose weight, is if I stop eating altogether. And before anyone says "Diet, diet, diet, diet", I have cut down heavily on the junk food since I left my previous job (supermarket), I have been drinking water and all that. And I have not shifted a kilo. At all. I am starting to become paranoid that any fruit, any vegetable, is going to make me put on weight. Whatever I have for dinner, is going to make me put on weight. if I eat maybe 5 carrot sticks, oh there we go, mroe weight gain. I just seem to stack. it. on.

2) Exercise does not make me happy. It doesn't make me feel good afterwards. I can go and swim 400-500m, but I'm not thinking afterwards "Oh, that felt great, that felt wonderful," instead I'm thinking "I gotta go here, because I want to look at this," or "I need to get home so I can prepare for this, this and this". Walking just feels like a chore. A constant chore. Hell, I end up losing motivation halfway through a Zumba video and I have to turn it off because it ends up feeling more and more like a chore. Like it's something I HAVE to do. Not something I want to do. I mean, yes, I want to do <activity> but I'm not feeling the after-effects. Not to mention that half the time, I don't feel like I'm doing ENOUGH because I'm not sore or feeling it in my muscles. Even after swimming, the most I feel is a sense of calm. I might be getting fitter (i.e. I can walk from the shops near my boyfriends house up to his house without panting too much)

3) I am constantly agitated, nervous and I am forgetting things. Everyone puts it down to stress, but you know what? My uni workload is a LOT lighter and easier so far this year. Job-hunting is on the back of my mind at the current moment because I'm studying my swim teacher certifications. I had a counselling appointment the other week and I basically told her about 12 different issues, in 10 minutes. I thought I was telling them to her in 20 minutes. I will say something and then not remember the rest of what I was going to say. I will not pay attention when I'm at a lecture, no matter how damn hard I try. In fact, the only way I can listen to anything is if I can access the Internet and I will look at that during the lecture, while also typing notes. That is the ONLY way I can focus.

4) I cannot seem to back down from anything. I cannot deal with being submissive to someone who is better than me in EVERYTHING. If someone starts using an authoritative tone with me, I will not hesitate to challenge them. Even if what they are saying is right. I cannot apologise to someone who is snarky with me, even if I caused it. I can't apologise. The only way I can lose weight is if I am passive and sucking up.

5) People seem to have this wrong idea that I am "not that overweight." I am a ladies size 18. For the unfamiliar, that is somewhere between 120cm-125cm hips/waist and a massive-ass bust. Yeah, I'd say that's overweight. Yes, I still have a curve. Just. I can't even wear pants at the moment due to thigh-rub (in short, if I want to wear pants, I need to be prepared to lose a lot of em). NORMAL people don't have that problem. I am GLAD when I can find t-shirts that will cover my huge butt. I am glad when I can find skirts that are long enough to cover my thunder thighs. Yet ironically I have no problem strutting around the pool in a one-piece.

6) My willpower sucks. Any food, I will end up eating it. Even if it's just a couple of biscuits leftover. I then end up feeling guilty and horrible and crying over it. And I still then go and do it all again. Or I'll go to the shops and the first thing I buy is a packet of chips. It just keeps going on and on and on.

[Jaden]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It seems like a lot of people are feeling this way on here recently. I don't know how frequent these types of posts were beforehand, but I feel like I may have opened some sort of floodgate of negativity about oneself when I came back with my similar post.

Anyways, I know there's not much I can say to help you feel better, other than to tell you you're not alone. I actually have most of the same problems you've listed. I have massive self-esteem issues, and I'm also a bit overweight, and I've been trying to diet and lose some of it, but it's just not going away. In fact, I've been gaining weight recently. Part of the problem is also that my willpower sucks. And exercising doesn't make me feel any better either. When I was diagnosed with depression, and when I got meds, I was told to exercise every day as it would make me feel better. But it really doesn't. And I'm also somebody who has problems with authority, namely when authority disrespects me. I have no problem with submitting to my employers if they treat me with the proper respect, but if they treat me like shit, I'll do the same right back to them.

So, once again, I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope it gets better soon, and you either drop the weight or learn to love yourself for who you are. Until then, all I can really offer are hugs

[fireheart17]

Thanks Jaden.

My confidence seems to have taken a massive hit this year, despite my efforts to cut back and do better. I have not drunk much soft drink, outside of the VERY occasional small bottle or can.
Whenever I went up to my boyfriends, I would buy a bottle of Coke Zero or similar and a packet or CC's. Now when I go up, it's a bottle of water, some grapes and some gum (or a pack of "Boost Bites", which are a better alternative to what I used to have). In fact, as soon as I get paid next (I'm on unemployment benefits-for the record, they WORK DIFFERENTLY IN AUSTRALIA) I am going to stock up on 5 gum in various flavours. Why? Because between classes, I can at least be eating "something".

It sounds like a combination of dysthymia and "that time of the month" have reared its ugly head, especially because my periods have suddenly become irregular again. have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Wednesday to discuss #3, after my psychologist noticed what was going on. It's somewhat frustrating that my diagnosis keeps changing on a whim: first it was severe depression and anxiety, then it became dysthymia, borderline personality disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, now they've wiped the borderline personality disorder. It is frustrating that I'm just getting "labels", when I want answers. Last time I tried a GP for my weight issue, all I got was "have you weighed yourself and have you measured yourself?" No, I haven't. Why? Because I already know I'm a huge freaking 2000lb blob and I would rather go back down to a size 12-14 (US size 8-10). The second GP I've gone to, I haven't seen again since I had blood tests because they didn't inform me that there was anything they needed to discuss. (I had some blood taken to work out if there was a thyroid problem or if I was diabetic).

And for those who are asking "What the hell have you done exercise wise?" here's my list.

-When my schedule and finances permit it swimming up to 3 times a week. (I'm trying to make my bathing suits last at the moment)
-I will deliberately park as far away from a location as possible and walk over to <location> instead of parking closer. For example, a shopping complex I frequent also has a movie theatre and a fabric store some fair distance away. I will park in the shopping complex carpark and walk over to the fabric store if I need to be in there.
-I go for short-ish walks when I'm up at my boyfriends and he tries to encourage me to do so. (although he himself will stuff his face and is starting to develop a "beer belly" yet he clams he gets enough exercise from walking around the city and also walking up and down the stairs at the building he works at)
-I will put on a video of some description (either a TV episode or similar) and use my exercise bike while doing so. (the exercise bike is so old that when I removed the batteries from the LCD monitor, there was evidence that they had leaked, so I duct-taped the entire monitor shut and use the episode length as a guide to how long I bike for)
-I have started to Zumba at least 2-3 times a week, in my room, with the lights off. (I am even going to do some tonight to calm down a little after this emotional outburst)
-I also do end up walking across campus a fair bit during the week.

So yes, I am doing unintentional exercise.

[Greenday]

2) Exercise does not make me happy. It doesn't make me feel good afterwards. I can go and swim 400-500m, but I'm not thinking afterwards "Oh, that felt great, that felt wonderful," instead I'm thinking "I gotta go here, because I want to look at this," or "I need to get home so I can prepare for this, this and this". Walking just feels like a chore. A constant chore. Hell, I end up losing motivation halfway through a Zumba video and I have to turn it off because it ends up feeling more and more like a chore. Like it's something I HAVE to do. Not something I want to do. I mean, yes, I want to do <activity> but I'm not feeling the after-effects. Not to mention that half the time, I don't feel like I'm doing ENOUGH because I'm not sore or feeling it in my muscles. Even after swimming, the most I feel is a sense of calm. I might be getting fitter (i.e. I can walk from the shops near my boyfriends house up to his house without panting too much)

Pretty much exactly how I feel about exercise. I don't feel good after doing it like people claim you will. I don't feel more energized. It feels like a really tough chore. I just wish it was fun or as awesome as it seems to be for other people.

[Akasa]

I would suggest getting your thyroid checked. I had the weight issues you are having and it turned out my thyroid was under productive. A thyroid that's off kilter can have all kinds of negative effects.

[Andara Bledin]

You mentioned that you cut back on a lot of junk food; do you have access to a nutritionist to make sure that you're nutritional balance isn't out of whack? There are a lot of things that poor or incomplete nutrition can lead to, including mental health and general health issues.

Also, don't eat gum on an empty stomach. It sends mixed signals to your body and if you do it enough, the unnecessary stomach acid you're telling your body to produce will lead to problems down the road such as ulcers. After a meal, however, will help aid digestion and help protect your teeth (it doesn't matter if the gum has sugar or not - twenty minutes of chewing renders equal benefits).

^-.-^

[fireheart17]

I would suggest getting your thyroid checked. I had the weight issues you are having and it turned out my thyroid was under productive. A thyroid that's off kilter can have all kinds of negative effects.

I'll get my GP near home to do it, or I'll ask the clinic I'm going to next Wednesday if they can check it. Nothing's come up in my blood tests as far as I'm aware of though.

[Slytovhand]

Oh Firey.... first thing I noticed as your problem... you're exercising, but eating less. So, your body tells itself it needs to hold onto whatever fats and carbs it can!!!!

It's counter-intuitive, but you need to eat more. That way, the body feels 'safe', that it's getting enough energy from foods, and thus, only then will it be willing to let go of the excess fat deposits. And, not just the 'healthy' foods, but the foods that have what the body needs - carbs and proteins (and the essential fats). Also, lots and lots of fibre (fools the body into thinking it's getting lots of food/energy, but actually justs craps it out).

Also, as you've probably noticed, you're getting fitter. You're packing on more muscle. It will take a bit longer for that extra muscle to start burning up the the extra fat you've got. And, it takes time! Also remember, muscle is bulkier than fat - so, if you did weigh yourself, you'd probably be disappointed that you put on weight, not took it off...

Why don't you eat some nuts in class, instead of gum?? Or an apple or 2?(the body burns those sugars/carbs pretty quickly - not store them)

But, the good news is - it DOES happen! It just takes time...

I had a friend who was about a size 18-20... she took a year to get down to her size 14 or so - but she kept it off! She was losing about a kilo/week. Not a hell of a lot of extra exercise, but regular healthy eating was essential.

But, yeah, get that thyroid check! Have you been to a rheumatologist? (granted, they're expensive, and Medicare doesn't take care of it all). And a dietician.

But - good luck, and be well! <HUGS>

[Boozy]

2) Exercise does not make me happy.

Exercise done right doesn't make anyone happy. It's supposed to be uncomfortable. It's supposed to feel like a chore. If you find an activity you like, you'll stick with it longer, but at some point during your workout you should find yourself pushing to continue despite really wanting to quit. If you don't, you're not working hard enough.

People who stick with their exercise realize that the long-term effects of exercise will make them so happy that they short-term unpleasantness is worth it. A part of you know that's true -- listen to that part of you.

With that said, you shouldn't feel any pain while you're working out. Some muscle soreness in the following one or two days is usually a good sign, but if it hurts when you're actually exercising it, stop doing that activity and try something else.

You're packing on more muscle. It will take a bit longer for that extra muscle to start burning up the the extra fat you've got. And, it takes time! Also remember, muscle is bulkier than fat - so, if you did weigh yourself, you'd probably be disappointed that you put on weight, not took it off...

She's not lifting weights. She's not putting on any muscle. Even if she were lifting, it's unlikely that muscle gain is contributing to weight gain. Ask a bodybuilder and they'll tell you that packing on fat is easy, packing on muscle is wickedly difficult. And that's for men, who have more testosterone helping them out. Few people gain muscle without consciously following an exercise plan with that goal, or perhaps starting a new job that takes them from sedentary to hauling things around all day.

I know that "muscle weighs more than fat" is a popular thing to say to people who've hit a plateau on their diets, but it's not helpful. Fireheart needs to take a good look at her diet and exercise regimen if she wants to get back on track.

[Boozy]

Also, don't eat gum on an empty stomach. It sends mixed signals to your body and if you do it enough, the unnecessary stomach acid you're telling your body to produce will lead to problems down the road such as ulcers.

Oh my! I had no idea. I have been chewing gum on an empty stomach for years. Usually late in the day when I'm ravenous for dinner and I have to stay an hour or so late at work.

Thanks for the head's up.

[SkullKing]

Exercise done right doesn't make anyone happy.

It makes me happy.

And I am not the only one.

And fireheart, even if you don't think you are getting thinner.

You ARE getting fitter and healthier, and frankly to me that is a lot more important.

[kamn]

<snip> She's not lifting weights. She's not putting on any muscle. Even if she were lifting, it's unlikely that muscle gain is contributing to weight gain. Ask a bodybuilder and they'll tell you that packing on fat is easy, packing on muscle is wickedly difficult. And that's for men, who have more testosterone helping them out. Few people gain muscle without consciously following an exercise plan with that goal, or perhaps starting a new job that takes them from sedentary to hauling things around all day.

I know that "muscle weighs more than fat" is a popular thing to say to people who've hit a plateau on their diets, but it's not helpful. Fireheart needs to take a good look at her diet and exercise regimen if she wants to get back on track.

Actually, you don't need to lift weights. You just need to do something thats hard enough for the body to understand as a need to increase muscle mass. If only weights increased muscles, then all the athletes would be skin and bones.
Swimming was mentioned. That is a hard activity, as far as the body is concerned (since were land mammals, not water mammals), so just about any swimming activity is going to slowly increase muscle mass.

As for the bodybuilders, they strive for some rather scary body fat ratios. You know those abs that they are constantly showing? EVERYONE has them (though slightly less developed), they are just covered by a layer of fat. If you dont believe me, flex your stomach and go with your hand, you will feel them underneath. It is their body that wants more body fat, so yes, for them, stacking on fat is easy. For the average person, not so much, as the gain is relative...

[Boozy]

Swimming was mentioned. That is a hard activity, as far as the body is concerned (since were land mammals, not water mammals), so just about any swimming activity is going to slowly increase muscle mass.

Yes, to an extent. But swimmers at a non-competitive level will not put on much mass from swimming alone. Again, weight gain cannot be attributed to muscle gain in most cases.

[Greenday]

Oh my! I had no idea. I have been chewing gum on an empty stomach for years. Usually late in the day when I'm ravenous for dinner and I have to stay an hour or so late at work.

Thanks for the head's up.

Chewing gum also makes you hungrier. The sugars get the digestive fluids going in your stomach, signalling to your body that you should be eating. But since you don't actually have food in there, you'll feel much more hungry.

[bara]

Not knowing all the exercises you are doing, I recommend light calisthenics to warm up before doing anything else. Think of your body like a diesel engine, it has to warm up or it wont be functioning at capacity. Some days all you should do is stretch to allow lactic acid to escape which is what causes a lot of the muscle pain associated with working out.

For the love of all that is holy, avoid those stupid energy drinks and sports drinks. Unless you are sweating like a pig in heat you dont need electrolytes. Lactic acid build up occurs when your muscles are forced to burn fat instead of oxygen for fuel, that means your doing it right but you need water to rinse that out not sugar infused sports drinks.