I really hate myself right now. So much. Here are the reasons why:
1) I look at food and I put on weight. I am that serious. The only way I would potentially be able to lose weight, is if I stop eating altogether. And before anyone says "Diet, diet, diet, diet", I have cut down heavily on the junk food since I left my previous job (supermarket), I have been drinking water and all that. And I have not shifted a kilo. At all. I am starting to become paranoid that any fruit, any vegetable, is going to make me put on weight. Whatever I have for dinner, is going to make me put on weight. if I eat maybe 5 carrot sticks, oh there we go, mroe weight gain. I just seem to stack. it. on.
2) Exercise does not make me happy. It doesn't make me feel good afterwards. I can go and swim 400-500m, but I'm not thinking afterwards "Oh, that felt great, that felt wonderful," instead I'm thinking "I gotta go here, because I want to look at this," or "I need to get home so I can prepare for this, this and this". Walking just feels like a chore. A constant chore. Hell, I end up losing motivation halfway through a Zumba video and I have to turn it off because it ends up feeling more and more like a chore. Like it's something I HAVE to do. Not something I want to do. I mean, yes, I want to do <activity> but I'm not feeling the after-effects. Not to mention that half the time, I don't feel like I'm doing ENOUGH because I'm not sore or feeling it in my muscles. Even after swimming, the most I feel is a sense of calm. I might be getting fitter (i.e. I can walk from the shops near my boyfriends house up to his house without panting too much)
3) I am constantly agitated, nervous and I am forgetting things. Everyone puts it down to stress, but you know what? My uni workload is a LOT lighter and easier so far this year. Job-hunting is on the back of my mind at the current moment because I'm studying my swim teacher certifications. I had a counselling appointment the other week and I basically told her about 12 different issues, in 10 minutes. I thought I was telling them to her in 20 minutes. I will say something and then not remember the rest of what I was going to say. I will not pay attention when I'm at a lecture, no matter how damn hard I try. In fact, the only way I can listen to anything is if I can access the Internet and I will look at that during the lecture, while also typing notes. That is the ONLY way I can focus.
4) I cannot seem to back down from anything. I cannot deal with being submissive to someone who is better than me in EVERYTHING. If someone starts using an authoritative tone with me, I will not hesitate to challenge them. Even if what they are saying is right. I cannot apologise to someone who is snarky with me, even if I caused it. I can't apologise. The only way I can lose weight is if I am passive and sucking up.
5) People seem to have this wrong idea that I am "not that overweight." I am a ladies size 18. For the unfamiliar, that is somewhere between 120cm-125cm hips/waist and a massive-ass bust. Yeah, I'd say that's overweight. Yes, I still have a curve. Just. I can't even wear pants at the moment due to thigh-rub (in short, if I want to wear pants, I need to be prepared to lose a lot of em). NORMAL people don't have that problem. I am GLAD when I can find t-shirts that will cover my huge butt. I am glad when I can find skirts that are long enough to cover my thunder thighs. Yet ironically I have no problem strutting around the pool in a one-piece.
6) My willpower sucks. Any food, I will end up eating it. Even if it's just a couple of biscuits leftover. I then end up feeling guilty and horrible and crying over it. And I still then go and do it all again. Or I'll go to the shops and the first thing I buy is a packet of chips. It just keeps going on and on and on.
1) I look at food and I put on weight. I am that serious. The only way I would potentially be able to lose weight, is if I stop eating altogether. And before anyone says "Diet, diet, diet, diet", I have cut down heavily on the junk food since I left my previous job (supermarket), I have been drinking water and all that. And I have not shifted a kilo. At all. I am starting to become paranoid that any fruit, any vegetable, is going to make me put on weight. Whatever I have for dinner, is going to make me put on weight. if I eat maybe 5 carrot sticks, oh there we go, mroe weight gain. I just seem to stack. it. on.
2) Exercise does not make me happy. It doesn't make me feel good afterwards. I can go and swim 400-500m, but I'm not thinking afterwards "Oh, that felt great, that felt wonderful," instead I'm thinking "I gotta go here, because I want to look at this," or "I need to get home so I can prepare for this, this and this". Walking just feels like a chore. A constant chore. Hell, I end up losing motivation halfway through a Zumba video and I have to turn it off because it ends up feeling more and more like a chore. Like it's something I HAVE to do. Not something I want to do. I mean, yes, I want to do <activity> but I'm not feeling the after-effects. Not to mention that half the time, I don't feel like I'm doing ENOUGH because I'm not sore or feeling it in my muscles. Even after swimming, the most I feel is a sense of calm. I might be getting fitter (i.e. I can walk from the shops near my boyfriends house up to his house without panting too much)
3) I am constantly agitated, nervous and I am forgetting things. Everyone puts it down to stress, but you know what? My uni workload is a LOT lighter and easier so far this year. Job-hunting is on the back of my mind at the current moment because I'm studying my swim teacher certifications. I had a counselling appointment the other week and I basically told her about 12 different issues, in 10 minutes. I thought I was telling them to her in 20 minutes. I will say something and then not remember the rest of what I was going to say. I will not pay attention when I'm at a lecture, no matter how damn hard I try. In fact, the only way I can listen to anything is if I can access the Internet and I will look at that during the lecture, while also typing notes. That is the ONLY way I can focus.
4) I cannot seem to back down from anything. I cannot deal with being submissive to someone who is better than me in EVERYTHING. If someone starts using an authoritative tone with me, I will not hesitate to challenge them. Even if what they are saying is right. I cannot apologise to someone who is snarky with me, even if I caused it. I can't apologise. The only way I can lose weight is if I am passive and sucking up.
5) People seem to have this wrong idea that I am "not that overweight." I am a ladies size 18. For the unfamiliar, that is somewhere between 120cm-125cm hips/waist and a massive-ass bust. Yeah, I'd say that's overweight. Yes, I still have a curve. Just. I can't even wear pants at the moment due to thigh-rub (in short, if I want to wear pants, I need to be prepared to lose a lot of em). NORMAL people don't have that problem. I am GLAD when I can find t-shirts that will cover my huge butt. I am glad when I can find skirts that are long enough to cover my thunder thighs. Yet ironically I have no problem strutting around the pool in a one-piece.
6) My willpower sucks. Any food, I will end up eating it. Even if it's just a couple of biscuits leftover. I then end up feeling guilty and horrible and crying over it. And I still then go and do it all again. Or I'll go to the shops and the first thing I buy is a packet of chips. It just keeps going on and on and on.
Comment