"You don't have kids yet?!"

[Crazedclerkthe2nd]

I'm 30 now. As such a great many of those in my social groups are either married, have kids or both.

I have been married for 4 years now but my wife and I do not have kids. In our case it's not for lack of want, it's due to medical reasons that would make a pregnancy challenging. My wife in the process of dealing with those issues and there's a good chance we'll be able to conceive eventually.

That doesn't stop the questions though. People are just really surprised we don't have kids yet. They ask if I have some problem with kids or if my wife does, etc. I just don't feel like giving out much info and quite frankly, I don't think our decisions on having kids are any of their business anyway.

Even worse is when there are no direct questions, just that sort of "sense" floating around in the air that folks are wondering about me and my wife because we have no kids yet.

In our church, when young people marry, it's practically unheard of to not have a baby within 2 years (all of the recently married couples got pregnant sooner than that, the longest I think was just shy of two years) unless there's a significant infertility issue, which most of the young couples don't seem to have.

Let me state for the record: I WANT to be a father. I'd hoped to be one at a younger age than this but it didn't happen.

Regardless, that's no one's concern except mine and my wife's. If we choose to never have kids, there's no reason we should be shamed in any way over that decision.

[guywithashovel]

Occasionally, people will act surprised that I'm not married and don't have kids.

In the past, I would shrug my shoulders and think, "Well, gee, I'm still quite young, aren't I?"

I'm now 30, just like you are. In other times and in other cultures, it's unusual to not be paired up and breeding by a certain age. Heck, the wife of one of my dad's friends grew up in rural West Virginia, and in her area, if a girl wasn't at least engaged by 18, she was deemed an "old maid."

Bottom line: unless these people are willing to devote their own time and money to raising the kid(s), they need to mind their own business. To me, it seems like one of the rudest things you can do, to pester someone about their status and number of children.

If you do some online research, you'll see that some people notice people who either don't have kids or are putting off having kids and are honestly worried that the world's population is going to start declining.

[telecom_goddess]

If you do some online research, you'll see that some people notice people who either don't have kids or are putting off having kids and are honestly worried that the world's population is going to start declining.

And this is a bad thing? 7 billion people ....we need to start declining. It wouldn't hurt to stop having kids for a while.

[anakhouri]

All of my friends with kids had theirs when they were 29-30 (I was 30). People are just having kids later; there's no reason to have kids at 23 these days when you'll most likely live to be at least 70. I figured 30 years was enough to get my wild oats out before I buckled down and had to give 90% of myself to my child for the next 18 years.

[MaggieTheCat]

I am actually a little surprised that my husband and I have not encountered this more often. We have been married for 2.5 years now and have been together for a bit over 4 years but I can't think of the last time someone has made a comment about "when are you having kids?" I guess our neighbors asked if we had kids when we moved into our house 2 years ago, and then said something about "Plenty of time after you get settled into the neighborhood" but they haven't brought it up since then.

We have no plans on having children. We're too selfish; I'll admit it. We like having time to ourselves and time to hang out with friends, being able to go out to dinner/movies/various other outings and activities whenever we want, being able to go on vacations or weekend trips whenever we want. I'm not saying parents can't still do those things, but having kids does complicate all of those scenarios.

Anyway, I do wonder if it's because we're not religious and don't have many religious friends (our one close friend who is Catholic isn't even married yet himself so he really would have no place to say anything...plus he's very laid back and open minded.) It seems that people who are religious seem to have a "must populate the earth" mindset more than non-religious people. Again, I'm making a generalization...but this is just my observations. Some of our close friends do have children or are trying to have children of their own, but none of them have ever asked is why we don't want children ourselves, and these same people are not religious.

[Andara Bledin]

My boyfriend and I run into this every so often.

Re: Marriage "When we get around to it."
Re: Kids "Nope. We're sticking with cats."

Considering the fiasco with the dogs this last week, that's only strengthened our resolve to stick with dependents that don't depend on us quite so much. >_<

^-.-^

[HYHYBT]

Cats are great. They love you when you're around and are glad to see you come home, but they do just fine with food, water, and a litterbox for a few days.

Nieces and nephews are great, too: kids you can see for a few hours at a time, but don't have to raise

[LadyBarbossa]

It's even worse when they keep prying about "But why nooooot?"

In my case, it's because I don't want any. I've known for pretty much my whole life that I was not cut out to be a Mommy. It is not because "I haven't meant the right man yet", because the right one for me will respect my choice not to have children. I generally just try to change the subject though, otherwise they'll spend forever and a day trying to give me reasons that I'll change my mind, or asking what's wrong with me and did I have a bad childhood? No.

But in any case, you're right. It is NO ONE's business what people choose to do, or not to do, with their reproductive status. Some people may be unable to conceive and have had adoptions fall through, and asking this question can be hurtful and upsetting to them. Most people don't want to discuss monetary, fertility, or relationship issues as reasons "Why no kids yet". And only my family and closest friends know how staunchly childfree I am and will remain to be. I actually plan to save enough money to have a tubal ligation done as soon as I can. As I'm not involved with anyone or sexually active right now, I'm not in a hurry though. The population will not suffer. Not all kids need siblings and there's nothing wrong with only having one child. I don't ask people "Why did you have kids?!" as their choice doesn't directly affect me, so they shouldn't worry about why other people don't.

[blas87]

Oh, there's always "You'll change your miiiind!" that goes along with "Whyyyy?"

My God, some people are so obnoxious, you'd think that me being 25, I'm already near menopause if I don't have a baby right MEOW!!!

This one girl at work, I nearly slapped her, she came back from disability and right in front of me, asked my bf, "So, did you knock her up yet?"

I guess if I'm still in this "shape" by 30, or 35, I'll be an Olllllld Maid. OH MY.

[LadyBarbossa]

I'm still getting "Teehee, you'll change your miiiiiind!" and the person is always trying to be all coy and cutesy about it. It makes me want to be violent. Also expecting your bf to 'knock you up' . . . classy. Is she the kind who thinks every new relationship needs a baby to 'seal the deal'?

I once tried using the "I don't have a husband or boyfriend right now" excuse, and the person came back with "Oh, you don't need a man to have a baby!" Seriously? What do you want me to do, have a one night stand with a stranger or have one of my gay friends put stuff in a turkey baster for me? No!

[blas87]

My bf wasn't too happy about the remark, either. He's actually anti-child too, which makes me very happy. Even if he isn't "the one" in the end, it makes me glad he feels the same way I do.

I can be pretty traditional, but this is just not one of those times. These are not the best of times to be popping out kids, especially with money being so tight and the medical field and insurance being nothing but greedy and shady.

If I ever did have a kid, it'd be at a time where I wasn't as selfish, and had done literally everything I always wanted to do, without anything holding me back. I don't want to be one of those idiot party moms who always throws the kids at her parents or other relatives because the kid "interrupted" the "best years" of her life. Even if people slap me verbally for waiting until I'm "old" to have a kid, I'd rather be an older parent than a dumb one.

[jackfaire]

Always drive me nuts when I hear anyone say this about married couples and I reply with.

"I was under the impression that they got married because they love each other and want to be married not just to have kids so lay off and let them enjoy each other before bringing kids into it"

[Lace Neil Singer]

Oh, there's always "You'll change your miiiind!" that goes along with "Whyyyy?"

I always hate the "You'll change your mind," statement that nearly always is served up with a side of patronisation.

I don't want kids. I never wanted kids. I'm also thirty two years old and I know my own mind, thank you.

I've also had this statement, "Did you discuss it with Fiance?" Yes, I did, and he doesn't want them either. Case closed.

[LadyBarbossa]

No, I made the decision to enter something as serious as a marriage engagement without discussing that

I mean, really?

[MadMike]

In our case it's not for lack of want, it's due to medical reasons that would make a pregnancy challenging.

In your case, I think I'd say something like, "We want to, but we haven't been able to. And I'd rather not talk about it." And trail off at the end like I'm starting to cry. Make them feel really stupid.

My wife and I were getting that from a lot of people for awhile, but in our case, we didn't want to. Actually, she would have liked to, but she even said we shouldn't unless we were both onboard with the idea, and I just wasn't. I thought about it, but then I realized I was only considering it because it was what she wanted, and we both agreed that it wouldn't be fair to the kid. Not only that, we were both in our late 30s already, and realized we didn't want to still be raising kids into our late 50s or early 60s. If it had been 10 or 15 years sooner, then maybe.

But that didn't stop some people from bugging us anyway. One of my wife's friends was on us about it for awhile. One time she came up to us and asked, "So when are you two having kids?" I just looked her in the eye and said, "I didn't realize we were required to", and walked away. My wife thought that was rude, but after awhile she got tired of it too. The next time this girl asked that question, she asked her, "When are YOU going to STOP having kids?", because she has 5 or 6 already.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind if people ask IF we're having any, as long as they accept my answer and respect our decision, but I hate it when people imply or even flat-out state that we NEED to have kids. Yes, I've had people say we NEED to have more kids. One of my coworkers was really bad for that one for awhile. I refused to get into it with her. She'd tell me I "need" to have kids with my wife, and I'd ask her, "What for?" One time, I did try explaining to her that I'm already in my 40s and don't want to be raising kids into my 60s, and she told me, "Oh, but (other coworker) just adopted a kid, and he's almost 60!" I just unenthusiastically said, "Well, good for him." I guess she finally got the message because she hasn't done it lately.

My mom was one of the worst ones. She would go on about how she wanted a granddaughter, since my brother and I only had boys. That's a really bad reason to have more kids, and there's really no guarantee. The last few generations of men on my side of the family only seem to make boys. There hasn't been a girl born with my last name in 67 years. She started pestering us really bad at a family dinner once, I under the mistaken impression that I wouldn't make a scene with the whole family there. The one time, I told her, "If you want another one so bad, YOU go have one!" Another time, I didn't even say anything. As soon as she started in, I threw up my arms, got up from the table, and walked away. I ended up getting "snipped", so that put a stop to it, at least from her.

Seriously, people need to mind their own damn business. It's no one's business if someone wants to have kids, as long as they're willing and able to take care of them. And it's no one's business if they don't want to have kids.