People Who Won't Speak Up...

[blas87]

..and then get mad that they didn't get their pick, their way, their choice, whatever.

Just another example of passive aggressive at its core. These people irritate the living hell out of me.

Use your words. Your big boy/girl voice. SAY what you want! NO ONE is psychic!

For instance: the other night at work, for some reason, one of my coworkers brings way too much food to work, and usually pawns it off on others when she realizes she doesn't want it. She had two mini pizzas from Pizza Hut, forget what they are called. Anyway, she had two of them, one was pepperoni and one was supreme. I really didn't want one, but I figured I could either eat it on last break or take it home for later.

So, there's me and one other coworker who she's offering them to. He doesn't speak up. When she asks who wants which one, he does his usual shrug and *blinkblink* look, and I say I'll take pepperoni. He shrugs at me again, goes *blinkblink* again, and I go grab the pepperoni one and put it in the fridge for later.

I end up pretty hungry on last break, so I decide to eat it. He sits down nearby with the supreme one, and starts bitching to a few other coworkers nearby that I made him take the supreme pizza. As if I had hurt his feelings, should have KNOWN he wanted the pepperoni one, he doesn't like supreme, wah wah wah.

I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore him. Then, the next day, he brought it up. AGAIN.

I said, "Look, you didn't SAY what you wanted. You shrugged. I made a choice. No one has all day to wait for you to make up your mind. If you won't make a choice, someone else will."

Of course, that got me ignored for quite a while. I can only hope that sunk in. I doubt it, though. This is the same person that it's harder than moving a sleeping bear, to get him to make a decision or say what he wants to do or what he wants to eat. Yet, I think he does it on purpose so that way, if it's not to his liking, he can blame you.

Gord, I HATE people who refuse to speak up about what they want or refuse to make a decision, and when someone else picks what they want, they get all upset over it.

[DrFaroohk]

This sounds like me lol....although I DO tend to speak up at some point, I'm just not a begger. I've given the information, it was processed and ignored. That's good enough for me.

Like with our house issue, having trouble affording it. Guess who said, on three seperate occasions, to all parties involved, "Hey, we can't afford this house." Now suddenly it's on me cuz I wasn't persuasive enough. FUCK THAT.


And sometimes I think people should be able to take a hint. If my friend is over watching TV with us, and my wife and I want to go have sex, I'm not gonna be like "Hey dude, get out so we can fuck." I'll say "<YAWN> Well it's gettin pretty late...."

And if you can't figure that out, you suck.

[blas87]

I'm pretty good at picking up on other people's body language and whatnot, I just sometimes tire of being in the presence of people who are so either unable to properly communicate or don't want to, that they feel they always need to drop hints, or constantly sigh, or whatever else to try to "force" to see what they want or don't want.

I just feel in this case, you snooze, you lose.

It's one thing if you made your choice clear, and someone wants to be an ass about it and come back at you later and say that wasn't sufficient enough, but when someone just shrugs or stares and won't say "I want to go here to eat dinner" or "I want to see this movie", so you take the initiative, then later on get called bossy or selfish....it gets old.

[HYHYBT]

On things like what movie to see or where to eat, there *is* a difference between not having something in mind as what you specifically want and knowing that there are certain things you DON'T want. For example: if you ask me where we should have lunch, I probably won't pick a place, because I like MOST of the ones available and am not in the mood for anything in particular. That doesn't mean it's unreasonable, if you then say, "OK, let's go to Taco Bell then," for me to speak up and say I'd rather we didn't.

(Had you said Subway, Wendy's, Burger King, Pizza Hut, KFC, Checkers, Zaxby's, Captan D's, Krystal, Chick-fil-A, McDonald's, Dairy Queen, or Arby's, I'd have been fine. So: not picky, not particular, you just happened to hit a bad spot.)

But that's a different (though related) situation than the OP example.

[Slytovhand]

Life is a game. People play games. When they lose, they need someone to blame (and feel guilty), so that next time, they can win that game.

He (pizza-loser) lost. Now, he needs to blame you, and make you feel guilty - that way he has 'won' (in his feeble-mindedness). It's total and complete BS. Basically, he's blaming you for his lack of self-esteem and assertiveness... tough shit to him!!!

Hints are never good... I tend to be much more blunt... "Dude, it's getting late, I'm going to have to kick you out now". Or, "This isn't a good time, so you're going to have to leave. I'll catch you later". Polite, respectful, honest... to the point. (And, they can't come back later and say "well, why didn't you say so??")

HyHYBT - I disagree (slightly). If you're asked where you want to go/what you want to see, I'd make it clear what doesn't work - and then let others decide. When ordering food, I just say I don't eat peppers.. simple, easy, no complaints! (basically similar to you, but different topic). I wouldn't waste my friends' time by saying "anything is fine", have them order something, and then say "No, I don't eat that". For you, it'd be "Anywhere but Taco Bell". Again, simple, to the point, not rude or disrespectful - and everyone gets what they want quickly and easily.

[HYHYBT]

I generally wouldn't say "anything is fine." I might well, though, say "I don't know, what would you like?" or "I'm not particular" or something along those lines.

But it works much better to let someone who has something in mind say so and then speak up if I have a strong objection rather than to keep a list... especially if, for example, we're in an area where I don't know every possible choice available by heart.

I tend to forget places I have no interest in going to are even there until someone mentions them.

[blas87]

I also have no patience for a person who says, "Doesn't matter", and then when I suggest a place they don't like, then they speak up. I don't really care if you aren't familiar with the area or unsure of how many restaurants there are around here or if you just don't feel like truly saying you really don't mind anywhere but Subway. Seriously, it causes too much problems and wastes time.

If everyone just stated what they wanted when they wanted it and how they want it, without the shrugging, the "wahdunno"ing, the *blinkblink*ing, the "I don't care"ing-but-turn-around-later-and-actually-hate-the-place-ing.......there wouldn't be unnecessary drama.

[HYHYBT]

Why? WHY is it a problem, if someone truly doesn't care within a large range, that they only speak up if you go outside that range? "It causes too much problems and wastes time" is no answer, and I am not referring to situations where it's done for "drama." Which it only causes if the other person decides to be a jerk about it.

[SongsOfDragons]

A friend of mine puts this as her only real reason for voting: "so I have a right to moan". She detests people who whine about X result or Y decision and then go on to say they didn't bother to vote. I have to agree with her, really, but I find voting fun anyway ^^

A pet peeve of mine is when I ask someone something, like what shall we do, what shall we have for dinner, etc, and their response is 'Up to you'. This is why I'm asking you in the first place you idiot!! They don't always whinge when I make my own decision for X, but when they do I take great relish in ripping into them.

[blas87]

That's what I hate right there and that's why it's a waste of time and nonsense drama.

If I ask what you want to do, where you want to eat, and you pull the "It doesn't matter" or "I dunno"....then not like what I pick, and don't say anything about it until later......guess what? Coulda woulda shoulda spoke up. Saying "Anything's fine", then me picking Subway, then cue you groaning "Ooh, not Subway"....well gee, would it have hurt you that bad to say, "Anything but Subway is fine with me."

Guess so.

[Greenday]

I'm one of those people who usually say, "I don't care" when it comes to what to do for dinner or where to go. Thing is, if I really don't like the plans, I'll say so before we do them instead of after.

[PepperElf]

I end up pretty hungry on last break, so I decide to eat it. He sits down nearby with the supreme one, and starts bitching to a few other coworkers nearby that I made him take the supreme pizza. As if I had hurt his feelings, should have KNOWN he wanted the pepperoni one, he doesn't like supreme, wah wah wah.

And on top of that he's bitching about FREE food.

To me that's just fucking ungrateful.

[Giggle Goose]

And on top of that he's bitching about FREE food.

To me that's just fucking ungrateful.

Seriously! Like he's entitled by law to the pepperoni or something? Dude needs to grow up and be a big boy instead of acting like this--->

I have a similar situation at work that's not about pizza, but same concept. We get a notification from managers at the beginning of the year that trainings funds are available, so we should all sign up for training classes and submit forms to our manager so the agency can pay for them. I chose to take courses in my master's program that were related to my job. Believe it or not, college courses for a full semester cost just a bit more than some of the ridiculous seminars that other people go to just to get out of work for the day.

Now people are talking behind my back about the agency paying for my degree. Um, no, I asked if the funding was available. It was. I took it. YOU CAN DO THE SAME THING!! Why don't YOU try to take college classes instead of blowing $1500 of training money on a weeklong bullshit course on how to communicate better? Sorry you were too lazy to fill out a form!

[HYHYBT]

That's what I hate right there and that's why it's a waste of time and nonsense drama.

If I ask what you want to do, where you want to eat, and you pull the "It doesn't matter" or "I dunno"....then not like what I pick, and don't say anything about it until later......guess what? Coulda woulda shoulda spoke up. Saying "Anything's fine", then me picking Subway, then cue you groaning "Ooh, not Subway"....well gee, would it have hurt you that bad to say, "Anything but Subway is fine with me."

Guess so.

Totally unreasonable. "I'm not sure is NOT the same as "whatever you want." If you choose to hear the one and insist it means the other, and therefore once someone isn't sure that's the last word they're allowed on the subject, then you are the one being unreasonable.

And you still haven't even given a reason. So I'll try again: what, exactly, is wrong with the following conversation:

Blas: Where would you like to have lunch?
John: I don't know, what do you feel like?
Blas: How about Taco Bell?
John: I don't much care for tacos.
Blas: How about Arby's?
John: Sounds good!

Two people having a short, ordinary conversation and coming to a consensus.

Or, alternately, replace the last three lines with
John: Oh, I can't stand Taco Bell. Would Wendy's be OK?
Blas: Nah, I always think about that finger thing. Pizza Hut?

And so on. The only difference between this and what you want is that I've passed the first turn to you, so to speak. There is no logical reason that should mean giving up all right to have any input whatsoever. (Of course, if you'd like to provide a reason, you're free to do so.)

There's another time where I believe this is actually far better than speaking up immediately, besides not having one thing in mind. If, rather than just going together separately, someone is taking me out to eat, I don't want to pick Outback when they were thinking McDonald's or the other way around.

[Andara Bledin]

Totally unreasonable. "I'm not sure is NOT the same as "whatever you want."

The point is that the person in question said "It doesn't matter."

Seriously, how hard is it to not say "it doesn't matter" when everybody knows it damn well does matter.

If a person has a preference but fails to speak up, then they can get stuffed and cope. They don't earn the right to guilt trip other people because nobody could read their mind to figure out that "it doesn't matter" is code for "I'm too much of a pantywaist to come out and say what I want."

^-.-^