Pain.

[kiwi]

This makes me feel like a really bad person but I have to get it out.

I have a friend who is sick, very sick, she has an extremely rare disease with no cure and only limited ability to control her pain. It's a wasting disease as well so she is basically for all intents and purposes her body is shutting down slowly. It is a horrific life that I can't even begin to understand, she can't do anything about it. She was diagnosed 2 years ago and the doctors tell her it could be anywhere from 2-5 years until she dies.

She has only a few friends and her family have a difficult time with her, because she is an adult she can decide a lot for herself but is dependent on others to aid her. She is a lovely, caring, kind person but people tread on eggshells around her because her situation is so awful. She thinks she has only a few friends because people are scared of death but having spoken to her other friends and those who have drifted it's really not that. It is something she is doing but no one wants to be the bad guy and tell her why.

She only ever speaks about how much pain she is in. How she is dying, how she wants to die, how awful her life is.

You can't have a normal conversation with her, she constantly drags it back to her pain, her death, her wasted life. She doesn't do anything other than lay there and talk about her pain.

When I first came to know her, I would try to get to know her interests. Have you read any books? No I am in too much pain.
Have you watched any TV shows lately? No I can't stand watching them, I can't follow the story lines because I am in too much pain.
Have you tried painting, sewing, writing etc etc etc
No I am in too much pain, I'm dying remember.
Can you go swimming? What if we got you a wheelchair we could take you to the mall and go when it gets too much? Is there anywhere you want to go?
No I am dying, and in too much pain.

All day long she posts on FB about how she couldn't sleep she was in so much pain, how today all she will do is lay there and cry because of her pain, how her doctor changed her pain medication but it isn't working.

As I said, I can't imagine how much this girl is going through, how terrible it would be to be in constant pain, to know you are dying but know it could take years. The problem is it's exhausting talking to her, you struggle to make conversation, you struggle to tell her about your life because anything you have done/ plan to do she sighs and says she would love to but she can't ...because shes in pain. She laments how her disease has driven everyone away but that really isn't it. Two mutual friends tried to break this to her gently and emphasized that we do all realize she is in pain and how awful it is, but that it's impossible to talk to her because it's all she ever talks about. She responded by refusing to speak to or see them again.

Just last night I was FB chatting with her and once again, it was all about her pain. I don't want to be another friend that drops off the radar but I honestly can't take much more. She won't go to therapy (her family have tried over and over) she won't go on a morphine pump, she won't do anything at all.

I don't even really know why I am telling you guys this, I just need to get it out I think. I am devastated at what she is going through but it's like being around a black hole of happiness.

[HYHYBT]

Sounds a lot like depression....

Anyway, you might as well tell her. If she's as bad as she sounds, it can't make it worse.

[LewisLegion]

As someone who suffers chronic pain, sometimes the only thing you can do to cope with it is actually focus on it. You have to realize, this takes up ALL your attention. Imagine having your leg crushed under a truck and then trying to think of anything else.

There does come a point, however, when you either got to start living despite it, or just give in and give up. Sounds, unfortunately, like she's doing the latter

[blas87]

I was diagnosed with migranes a few weeks ago, and given anti-depressants for it. Though, they said it could take weeks to work, and I know that's true. I don't think it's working. I'm not "allowed" to have anything but Tylenol for any pain, no matter how bad it gets, yet it hurts so much and Tylenol doesn't do squat.

I feel bad for people who have it way worse than me. My headaches are probably nothing compared to people who live every day as though they can't get out of bed.

[protege]

Blas, I get migraine too. They suck

Tylenol really doesn't work for me either. Instead, I take either Advil or Ibuprofin. I'm *supposed* to take a Relpax as well, but I really hate to do that. Why? For one thing, if you're on it awhile, it tends to stop working after awhile. For another...I just don't like the side effects. Even without the Ibuprofin, it can sometimes make me sleepy, or even cause me to lose my lunch. Otherwise, I'll grab a can or two of Dew, or even an energy drink. Either one will help open up the blood vessels, and make the pretty colors go away.

Kiwi, it does like there's some depression there. My grandmother felt like that after the stroke that eventually killed her. Constant pain not only made her pissed off most of the time, but she too, tended to dwell on either it...or that she felt she was a "burden" to her family. Most of the time (and keep in mind that her memory was failing), she'd be constantly repeating about how she was a burden, how we should "just put [her] somewhere," and that she simply wanted "things to end." Depression is very consuming that way--it can easily force you into an endless cycle like that.

That's why (and I hate to say this), but I was glad when she finally passed away. It was very trying to be over there, and she'd start ranting about being in pain, or repeating the same couple of questions over and over. I'd come home, after putting her to sleep, and I'd have to pour myself a drink simply to calm down. I kept having to remember that it wasn't her fault. Her health issues--the pain, her failing memory, going blind--plus the medications...were why she was acting the way she did. She couldn't help what was going on.

You can't blame yourself for feeling that things just suck. It's only *natural* to feel that way. Nobody's mind can be prepared to handle something like that. Trust me, there were *several* nights, that I wanted to put the car into a pole...simply so Grandma would shut up! Not that I'd actually *do* that, of course. But, there is simply a point at which you cannot take any more of it.

Somewhat along those lines, I've posted about my younger brother before, and some of the things he's been dealing with. He moved out a couple of months back, and I've tried to help him out. Mainly because I have an awesome tool kit But seriously, I can only stay over there about an hour. Why? He'll start whining about how he has no money/makes less than our other brother, how our parents "suck," his life is "hard," etc. Every fucking time I'm over there, I hear those same comments, in the *exact* same order!

Last time he called, I lost it. I called him a pussy, told him to grow a set, and if he's not making enough...to get another job. Probably not my best moment, but even though I love my family, there comes a time when enough is enough.

[blas87]

I can understand your frustration, protege. And me not being allowed to take ibuprofen or OTC migrane meds, is just miserable.

I have a couple of coworkers who are on just a cocktail of pain meds for their various problems (which ones are real and which are fake, I'm not sure), but I do know that painkillers can really mess with a person's personality and demeanor sometimes, especially in high doses or stronger stuff.

One lady I work with, used to be a close friend, despite our age difference, I felt she was like another mom to me. Maybe moreso, because she didn't judge me like my own mom does.

Then she got a lot of medical problems and got put on enough pills to make an elephant go down, and she's become just the snippiest, rudest, overly critical mean person, I can't even stand to be around her. And I HAVE to be around her for 12 hours a day, 3-4 days a week.

It's gotten to the point where I wish she'd just go on medical leave again and make the workplace less of a tattletale and judgemental enviornment and toxic.

[Mytical]

Once I got out of the ICU I took more medicines in a week then I had my entire life. Still on a boatload (which I can't afford but meh)..and looks like that is going to be my lot in life for some time to come.

As for pain, chronic pain sucks..and I KNOW people get tired of hearing about it. Some days it is all that you can think about, and you feel like a burden. Doesn't mean others have to listen to those of us in pain who whine (and I do that way too much) though . Wish I had advice on how to deal with hearing it though.

[KitterCat]

try
Just last night I was FB chatting with her and once again, it was all about her pain. I don't want to be another friend that drops off the radar but I honestly can't take much more. She won't go to therapy (her family have tried over and over) she won't go on a morphine pump, she won't do anything at all.

I know that people deal with pain in different ways and that chronic pain suffers get an extra helping of life’s suckiness, but you friend has been given an instant out by being offered morphine and refuses to take it. There are chronic pain suffers out there what would beg for such a thing and refused. She’s got the option to really make what’s left of her life at least bearable. Instead she’s decided to let herself become depressed and whine to the point that none of her friends want to be around her.

Maybe I’m being overly critical but I’ve watched my GIL go through cancer and given 6 months to live. Even after treatment and medications she only made it 9. Her doctors gave her a bottle of liquid morphine and told her when it was empty to call, they would refill it. Having that stuff around made her pain manageable so that she could go out and see a movie. She could go out and shop. She could have a conversation with out talking about just the pain. She had to be wheel chaired every where and was a little loopy, but being able to get out and do things with a pain killer meant she could at least enjoy what time she had left with us.

If your friend losses another friendship because she wont take the pain killer or go into any therapy she’s the only one that’s causing herself to lose her friends.