Depression - and by extension, myself - ruining my own life

[Jaden]

Ever since dropping out of school, I've been staying with my parents while looking for a job, for the most part, they've been very good about the whole thing, but the fact of the matter is, I don't have a job yet. I've tried...admittedly, not as hard as I should...but I have tried to find one. No luck so far. I did have one for a few days, but, well, it's complicated, but the fact of the matter is, I don't have that job anymore. They made sure to tell me it had nothing to do with me, that they think I'm a good guy and a hard worker, but they couldn't keep me anymore.

So, my parents talked to me today about the possibility of me having to move out depending on how much longer it takes me, and how motivated I am, to find a job.

I'm panicking right now. I've been panicking since we talked about it earlier today. If I get kicked out, I have nowhere else to go. I'm broke and jobless. I'd also be taken off their cell phone and car insurance, which basically means I wouldn't have a cell phone or be able to drive. Yeah, that'll make it really easy to find a job....

I feel so defeated. I wanted to tell them that. When they asked afterwards how I felt about that conversation, I wanted to cry, and tell them that I was panicking inside and that I just felt hopeless. But I didn't. Instead, I just said I had nothing to say. I have no idea how to communicate with them, or with anybody, about things of that sort in any form other than, well, this. It's why therapy was no help to me. I couldn't open up to the therapist at all. I'm completely stoic and stone-faced, even when I don't want to be.

This talk did the opposite of what they wanted. It didn't motivate me, it sucked all the motivation right out of me. I really don't see the point in continuing to try when I just know I'll fail.

Honestly, right now, at this moment, I don't even want to face another day. I will...but I just want to give up. I don't feel like there's any hope for me. No job, no future, might not even be a roof over my head if it keeps up.... I just want to crawl into my warm bed in my parents' house and never wake up again =/

[Andara Bledin]

I don't have a lot to say about the job hunt that you don't already know.

However, regarding the inability to open up to people when speaking, I would suggest, since you seem to be capable of relating how you feel, just not in person, that you write them a letter. Explain to them what you've said here.

I've been in the same situation as you regarding important discussions. There have been times when I've wanted to say things to others who were close to me, but my system has gone into panic and all I could manage was a defensive wall. So I turned to my computer and wrote out everything that I couldn't say face to face.

It's a bit awkward, but there are some things that need to be communicated, and if you can write it down, then at least you have some means to share that with the people who need to know how you really feel.

^-.-^

[DrFaroohk]

I was in a similar situation about 10 years ago Jaden. No job, lived with my dad and stepmom, both of them were just "giving me shit" all the time instead of actually being constructive and trying to help me, and all they did was make me resent them more, which in turn makes me not want to be cooperative AT ALL.

It sucks when you have real genuine problems that no one takes seriously. Sure it might be mental, but imagine not being able to walk and having people be like "Oh get the fuck over it you lazy shit!"

That's why people with depression and shit like this are extremely jaded and bitter. On top of the fact that life sucks, people actually go out of their way to prove it to us because they just don't care.

[blas87]

You aren't alone, Jaden.

I'm moving back to my parents' house, and obviously, one of their rules is that I cannot be unemployed (unless of course, it was beyond my control like a permanent layoff or something), so even though my job has gotten so unbearable that I've been put on anti-depressants, I still end up sweating like crazy and nearly falling down dizzy because of how angry I get at the person who is responsible for all of this (and that the boss refuses to do anything about, and she's been taken to HR so many times and never had to face her actions)....I don't even know what to do anymore.

No full time jobs with benefits in the immediate area.....every week I look and hope for a department transfer......everything just gets worse and worse.

I hope I didn't steal your thread. Here's a hug.

[Jaden]

Andara: Thanks for your advice, I actually did end up doing that It helped a bit. I think my parents have a little more perspective now on how I'm seeing things.

Faroohk: Well, they've been very understanding and reasonable for the most part. I just don't think they understood that kicking me out of the house would really only do the opposite of what they intended.

Blas: I'm sorry to hear of your problems, as well. No need to worry about threadjacking. Thanks for the hug, I appreciate it *hugs*