Trying to Guilt Trip Me for Not Being a Bleeding Heart

[Greenday]

Namely what my mom tries to do. And 99% of the time, this comes down to my cousin. My cousin had nearly all the advantages I had growing up (Besides have an alcoholic father). We both grew up with single moms. We both went to good middle schools and the same high school. But where things diverge was that I took school seriously and tried to be productive. He just tried to be popular and drank and did drugs to be cool. He got a month suspension for failing a drug test at school and then like an idiot, smoked weed the weekend before he was getting retested. So he chose to drop out of school. He lived at his mom's house, contributing nothing. Managed to total two cars. Continued to do harder drugs (You name it, he's tried it) and did enough drugs to actually drop his mental age to that of a 13 year old (According to a psychologist). My aunt tried to get him to do rehabs but he either refused to go or would go but refuse medicine/therapy. My mom took him in at one point and straightened him out. He was on track to get his GED, he got a job as an assistant at a vet hospital making almost $15 an hour, even got to the point where he could live on his own. Then he started using again and stopped show up to work so he got fired.

To skip where we are today, he's homeless, collecting unemployment, and doing drugs still (popping pain killers). My mom randomly will say how bad she feels for him and I'll reply that I don't. He did it to himself. Then my mom will try to guilt trip me. Sorry, I'm not a bleeding heart like she is. That won't work on me. I don't feel bad for people who put themselves in a shitty situation. He's earned where he got today.

Today, Mother's Day, he had the balls to call my house and ask my mom for money. And being the one who thinks with her heart instead of using her brain, she said of course she'd give him $40 (Which happens to be the price for an oxycontin around here). He claims to need it because he doesn't like the free food they give him at the homeless shelter. Boo hoo, you aren't too good to take the food they are giving you for free. Suck it up. My mom knows he's just going to use it for drugs but is enabling him anyway despite not having much money. And she thinks I'm a bad person for thinking she's dumb for it? Please.

She pulls the same guilt crap on me for not giving money to "homeless" people. Like the last time a "homeless" person tried to get money from me when I came out of the pharmacy I was at. The guy was about my age, was wearing brand new, very expensive clothes, but he's homeless and has no money? Bullshit. But I'm a bad person for thinking that way. Again, I don't feel sympathy if people don't deserve it. And I don't have as high a tolerance for what people deserve as others seem to. I'm perfectly fine with that.

[Rageaholic]

It sounds like a tricky situation.

On one hand, he needs help, but on the other hand, it sounds like he doesn't want it (or at least doesn't want the right kind of help). After all, the people who need help the most are the ones who want it the least.

I don't think I could take the "he did it to himself" as there could be other factors involved. On the other hand, trying to help people who clearly don't want it is emotionally tolling. I would hate to be manipulated and guillted into trying to help when I have my own problems to deal with.

So while I personally would take a more empathetic role, I cannot stand sanctimonious manipulation, so I would be just as pissed.

[Greenday]

No one forced him to act like an ass so people would like him. No one forced beer on him or all those drugs. He had all the help in the world but he refused it. There's only one person to pin it on.

[s_stabeler]

True, but it might be best to ignore that fact, and find a way to help him get back on the right path. Maybe tie him going to rehab and sticking to treatment for his drug issues to him getting better meals?

[Imprl59]

I would have to argue that she is a bad person for giving him the money, not the other way around. One of these days that $40 oxy is going to kill him or get him killed. How is she going to feel knowing he got shot buying the drugs with the $40 she gave him an hour before?

If he calls wanting the money for food and she feels sorry for him then go get him some food and drop it off to him. I wouldn't even do that if he had another source for food..... You don' like the free food they give you? Good, get the fuck off the drugs and go get a job to buy whatever you want otherwise eat your expired beenieweenies and be happy you have them.

Likely the reason he is in the place he is in now is that people have enabled his bad decisions all his life.

[Andara Bledin]

There could be a physiological factor that led to his issues. You can't say for certain that he's only got himself to blame.

However, that still doesn't excuse anyone from trying to guilt-trip you into giving a fuck if you don't genuinely give one.

As an example, my brother is an asshole. It's highly likely that a lot of his personality issues are the result of brain trauma - there's a lot of new research in how that can affect a person's ability to maintain self-control. But even though I know it's a physiological issue and not something he can actually control fully, that doesn't mean I should let myself be affected by his behavioral issues, particularly when he usually won't even admit he has them.

^-.-^

[Rageaholic]

There could be a physiological factor that led to his issues. You can't say for certain that he's only got himself to blame.

However, that still doesn't excuse anyone from trying to guilt-trip you into giving a fuck if you don't genuinely give one.

As an example, my brother is an asshole. It's highly likely that a lot of his personality issues are the result of brain trauma - there's a lot of new research in how that can affect a person's ability to maintain self-control. But even though I know it's a physiological issue and not something he can actually control fully, that doesn't mean I should let myself be affected by his behavioral issues, particularly when he usually won't even admit he has them.

^-.-^

What you said.

There are usually deeper, psychological reasons behinds peoples dumbass decisions. Having been on both sides of the fense, I can see both sides. (though I've never done illegal drugs).

[draco664]

I'm with Greenday on this one. It sounds like his cousin has had multiple chances to clean up and get back on track, but just keeps falling off the wagon. Phisiological issues or not, he *has* to take responsibility for himself, even if it's just sticking out a rehab program. If he can't or won't do that, then nothing you do to help him will be of any assistance whatsoever.

When the opportunities are there but aren't accepted, it's no one's fault but the person himself.

Giving such a person money for 'food' is enabling behaviour, and gives the recipient absolutely no incentive to clean up. Give him a home-cooked meal instead.

[blas87]

Sounds like my ex bf's enabling family.

They are even paying for his lawyer.

Even blamed his car accident last year (and 5th DUI at that!) on the vehicle he was driving.

Recognize that he's a damn raging Jersey Shore-like alcoholic and violent manchild when drunk.......but......don't care.