Being judged for something someone else did

[Hyena Dandy]

It's been bothering me all day. I get the idea that the anger of the minority is different from the anger of the majority.

But it just... It bothers me. A lot. Someone says "All Christians are stupid, hateful bigots."

And I say I'm insulted by that, and I'm told "It's fine that you're insulted, because Christians are the majority. You have to be insulted, you're priveleged."

It bothers me. Because it's not even telling me I shouldn't feel hurt, or that I've done anything wrong. It's telling me that I haven't done anything wrong, I'm supposed to feel hurt, but my feelings are invalid. I have no right to be upset about being improperly judged because there are people LIKE me who have done something wrong.

It'd be like if I were insulting everyone around me for being straight, because straight people are a majority, and gay people are marginalized.

I don't like to insult people, at all, but I'd be morally alright with insulting someone for insulting me for my sexuality. But I wouldn't be fine with insulting someone else for insulting me for my sexualtiy.

[HYHYBT]

Calling people hateful bigots doesn't help anything even when it's true, much less overgeneralizing and calling people that who *aren't* but who happen to have something else in common with some who are. Even when those others use that something else as an excuse for their hate and bigotry.

(And, in my opinion, while the "bigot" part is still relatively widespread, the "hateful" part is dying out. It's not gone, of course, by any means, but many who basically mean well just haven't processed things yet, and may never.)

Would this be a good place to bring up the "if you were really tolerant of others' beliefs, you'd be fine with my intolerance of yours" argument, or should I start another thread?

[blas87]

I know exactly what you mean regarding that topic.

The other one, I hate in particular, is people who have trust issues, and punish others for something someone else did to them in the past.

You have that many hangups, don't make new friends or date people. Seriously.

[bex1218]

I know exactly what you mean regarding that topic.

The other one, I hate in particular, is people who have trust issues, and punish others for something someone else did to them in the past.

You have that many hangups, don't make new friends or date people. Seriously.

My ex did this all the time with me. And she does this with her hubby. It pisses us off greatly.

[blas87]

My boyfriend defended a bit of my brother's stupid ex gf's behavior. Though, he's one of those extremists who believe cheating should be punished by, like, stoning or something. Not that I condone it, but that's too barbarian for a broken trust.

I was describing how she'd call/text him nonstop if he didn't "check in" with her or call the moment he said he would, and he said "Well, maybe she had guys cheat on her in the past..."

Oh, fuck that noise. With a rusty wrench.

[LexiaFira]

the OP reminded me of this one political cartoon. basically christians watching a tv with osama on it and the mother says to the kid not all muslims are terrorists.
and over on their side, the mom telling her kid while the tv was showing some ranting christian, not all christians are bigots. i tried searching for this image but cannot find it.

[Jaden]

It feels like a lot of people expect us Christians to be extremely apologetic for our Christianity, as in, our own personal faith in Christianity, because of what some have done in the name of our religion. Well, it sucks that people have done that and continue to do that, and I will speak out against them, but I myself do not preach any gospel of hate, or intolerance, or anything of the sort. So yes, when people claim that all Christians are bad people because some of them have done terrible things in the name of Christianity, I will be offended, and I also get extremely annoyed by that condescending non-apology talk that you're referring to, that invalidates your feelings.

[HYHYBT]

Jaden: amen!

[Amanita]

I know exactly what you mean regarding that topic.

The other one, I hate in particular, is people who have trust issues, and punish others for something someone else did to them in the past.

You have that many hangups, don't make new friends or date people. Seriously.

Can I get an "Amen"? Or a "Hell Yeah!" for the non-religious?

I really, really hate this- somebody's been burned before or had a bad experience, then I come along. And I find myself on the receiving end of "pre-emptive strikes"- being bitched at, lectured, or otherwise hassled, because that person assumes that I am going to fuck up just like the person before me, if they don't come down hard right from the get-go, before I can do a damn thing.
They just assume I'm going to mess up, or that I'm going to be the same as my predecessor, and I hate that.

[blas87]

Exactly!

People and their little walls they build up for no good reason other than to just keep someone out who they actually want in, is so counter productive and immature.

[Jaden]

If I may speak up in defense of the wall builders momentarily:

In response to punishing others for something someone else did in the past - I don't do that. But I have to make a really concerted effort not to. I've been burned a lot, by both friends and girlfriends, and combined with my innate depression, it's really hard not to get really cynical really fast. The most important thing is that I'm aware my mind might naturally go that way, so I can maintain control over whether or not my thoughts are conducive to the relationship or not.

Exactly!

People and their little walls they build up for no good reason other than to just keep someone out who they actually want in, is so counter productive and immature.

These, I do have. It's just different from the way you described earlier. I have a lot of trouble communicating with people what's going on in my head, emotionally, at least in person. I'm very stoic and stone-faced, even when I don't want to be. People can't read me. And when asked how I feel about something, I'll always answer "fine" or "I have nothing to say, really" even when my head is screaming at me to just let it out and say how I really feel. If somebody asks me if I'm feeling a specific way and I don't want to talk about it, I'll usually lie straight to their faces, despite a similar internal reaction.

I've had friends and lovers I've been very close to, with whom I was comfortable wearing my heart on my sleeve, but they've all ultimately rejected me, and until I find somebody else to fill that void, I probably will remain a very closed off man.

Counter-productive, absolutely. Immature, probably. But if there's some way to tear down my wall, I haven't found it yet.

[Amanita]

In my case, it was roommates- before I came into that roommate situation, there has been another person there, who was a real fuckup. He had to be reminded endlessly to do things, and was a real mooch, eating other people's food, and taking way more than his share of communal goods, to the point of wastefulness.

One day I forgot one of my washclothes in the bathroom, and the housemate who found it flipped, yelling at me about it. He assumed right off the bat that I had to be yelled at, that it wasn't a simple memory lapse on my part- to him, it was slobby ex-roommate all over again.

Another time my friend and I went shopping, and one of the things we picked up was cheese slices. Later at home, I was feeling hungry and had a slice of cheese. My friend flipped his shit on me. Yes, it was an honest mistake on my part- I forgot that we had in fact, put that package of cheese back, and I had taken a slice from my friend's stash, which was identical.
My friend wouldn't let me apologize, he just kept ranting about how I had better not make like that former asshole roommate. I admitted it was an honest mistake and was willing to make things right, but he wouldn't have it. "It's the principle" he kept saying. "I won't have another mooch like so-and-so."

[crashhelmet]

This is an issue that always gets me upset. Now, every time one of my female friends posts something like "All men are assholes" on Facebook, I reply with "All women are gold diggers."

It either starts a heavy argument involving multiple people or the friend will quickly apologize and correct themselves.

But the unfortunate truth of the matter is:

Theists and Atheists alike will always be punished for the actions of their extremists

Men will always be punished for the actions of the asshole/douchebag/womanizer/misogynist

Whites will always be punished for slavery and the continued racism of the "purists"

Minorities will always be punished for the those that are on welfare, commit crimes, or are in the country illegally.

A nation of forgiveness and understanding, we are not.

[blas87]

I don't have the patience to deal with anyone who wants to treat me a certain way because someone else "did them wrong" or "didn't understand" them, or because they just "don't know" how to open up.

I've been ignored for days, silently punished for something I had no idea if I even did or what the hell it could even be. It's not alright. Just because that person has issues with people in general and has no better way of conveying themselves than to ignore others and just keep internalizing to the point of being anywhere near them just being plain awkward.

And, bonus points, these idiots don't even realize that when I stay away from them because I don't want to be dragged down and I'm not going to allow myself to be "punished" for something someone else did or something I'm not aware that I did, and they get even more and more upset with ME for not knowing and giving them space. A normal, rational adult doesn't play those games with people, or mentally punish people because of their own hangups.

[smileyeagle1021]

It feels like a lot of people expect us Christians to be extremely apologetic for our Christianity, as in, our own personal faith in Christianity, because of what some have done in the name of our religion. Well, it sucks that people have done that and continue to do that, and I will speak out against them, but I myself do not preach any gospel of hate, or intolerance, or anything of the sort. So yes, when people claim that all Christians are bad people because some of them have done terrible things in the name of Christianity, I will be offended, and I also get extremely annoyed by that condescending non-apology talk that you're referring to, that invalidates your feelings.

The problem is that it isn't just what some people have done in the name of the faith, bigotry is written in black and white in the Bible. So saying that all Christians are bigots isn't fair, because I know quite a few who aren't, but it is awfully close to the true statement all Christians believe in a holy text that has taught bigotry. Leviticus will always be a thorn in the side of open minded Christians because it will always be a part of Christian holy text, even if it is not a practiced part of the faith. That doesn't necessarily mean that you should have to apologize for your faith, but you should understand that most of the people who call Christians bigots are the people who have been targeted by those who spout Leviticus and rather than taking offense it may be a lot more productive to explain that you aren't one of the Christians who still follows Leviticus, that you follow the words of Christ, rather than the prophets, or whatever the case is that you aren't the type to spout Leviticus before flooring someone. The need for more communication is a two way street that both sides need to work on.