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A rant about something I see happening in the comment threads of some blogs I frequent.
Many bloggers I read are not neurotypical. Asperger's, Autism, ASD, ADHD, Tourette's, and BiPolar are among the diagnoses present in the the blogosphere around me. I also read several blogs relating to disability issues, issues of social justice, feminism, and similar subjects, written by neurotypical (people with typical brains and communication patterns, essentially) people. Now, most of these bloggers also read one another's blogs.
Increasingly, I'm seeing a pattern where someone non-neurotypical comments on a neurotypical person's blog, and then gets scolded for being rude, presumptuous, snarky, inconsiderate, or something similar. I'm pretty accustomed to non-NT communication, and I notice that I fairly frequently communicate in an Aspie-like way-- very directly.
Not sure why, whether it's my own neurology or simply a "monkey see monkey do" thing given that many members of my family communicate in unusual ways, though I don't know of any actual Autism-spectrum diagnoses in my immediate family. I do come from a family of scientists, who communicate like scientists-- very direct and to the point, when they communicate at all. Anyway, for various reasons, I rarely see my non-NT friends' "rude" comments as anything but direct. Sometimes I do notice a social faux pas, but on a pretty regular basis, it's something about which I think, "That was not the best way to say that," but think nothing more of it, but someone else sees it as a major offense.
It sucks to watch friends argue-- especially when they are close enough and know each other well enough that, if the NT person thought about it, they would probably realize that they're not encountering intentional rudeness or inappropriate communication; rather, they've got some crossed wires and are interpreting the other person's natural method of communication as something other than what it is. For example, a recent issue was whether or not it's okay to apologize for offending someone without retracting the original statement that offended that person. The NT person in the argument said it's necessary to retract the original statement; the non-NT person felt that to do so would essentially mean that he was lying in his original statement, if he could retract it so easily, and that lying is more repugnant than offending a friend with an honest opinion. He felt regret for causing offense, but did not cease to hold the position that caused the offense.
What a silly thing to argue about, right? And even sillier when you realize that it's essentially an argument about, "The way my brain works is better than the way your brain works." That's like saying, "I'm better because my favorite color is better than yours, and it is better than yours because it's my favorite." Circular logic. The only grounds to say that your own brain is better is that it is your own-- and, if you believe that, you probably wouldn't believe it any less if you had the other person's brain instead of your own.
Someone can know more than someone else, someone can be more socially skilled than someone else, but I don't think it's possible to say that someone's brain, overall, is a more desirable type of brain than someone else's. You get into Eugenics' territory if you follow that particular path very far.
So, I'm making more of a committment to stop when I'm offended and think about whether or not the person who upset me meant to cause me offense. And I'm eliminating the phrase, "You're acting/communicating/behaving inappropriately" from my vocabulary, except with small children whose behavior is my responsibility at the time, after hearing many of my non-NT friends' frustrations with that specific characterization of their behavior. Instead, I'll ask questions-- "Did you mean that comment as a sexual innuendo?" "Were you intending to characterize me as less intelligent than yourself?" "Did you know that your voice seems very loud to me right now?"
Hopefully that'll prevent me from being one of those clueless NTs who scolds and belittles others for what just happens to be the way they communicate; but if anyone else has tips for me (or NTs in general) on avoiding that situation, I'd be interested in hearing them.
Oh, and a suggestion of my own: If you're neurotypical and in a position to reprimand others about their behavior (teacher, manager, etc.), it might be wise to ask someone you know who isn't neurotypical if they'd mind occasionally giving you some advice, and asking them about situations in which the way someone is communicating just doesn't make much sense to you. Maybe you've got some crossed wires of your own with someone in your life.
Many bloggers I read are not neurotypical. Asperger's, Autism, ASD, ADHD, Tourette's, and BiPolar are among the diagnoses present in the the blogosphere around me. I also read several blogs relating to disability issues, issues of social justice, feminism, and similar subjects, written by neurotypical (people with typical brains and communication patterns, essentially) people. Now, most of these bloggers also read one another's blogs.
Increasingly, I'm seeing a pattern where someone non-neurotypical comments on a neurotypical person's blog, and then gets scolded for being rude, presumptuous, snarky, inconsiderate, or something similar. I'm pretty accustomed to non-NT communication, and I notice that I fairly frequently communicate in an Aspie-like way-- very directly.
Not sure why, whether it's my own neurology or simply a "monkey see monkey do" thing given that many members of my family communicate in unusual ways, though I don't know of any actual Autism-spectrum diagnoses in my immediate family. I do come from a family of scientists, who communicate like scientists-- very direct and to the point, when they communicate at all. Anyway, for various reasons, I rarely see my non-NT friends' "rude" comments as anything but direct. Sometimes I do notice a social faux pas, but on a pretty regular basis, it's something about which I think, "That was not the best way to say that," but think nothing more of it, but someone else sees it as a major offense.
It sucks to watch friends argue-- especially when they are close enough and know each other well enough that, if the NT person thought about it, they would probably realize that they're not encountering intentional rudeness or inappropriate communication; rather, they've got some crossed wires and are interpreting the other person's natural method of communication as something other than what it is. For example, a recent issue was whether or not it's okay to apologize for offending someone without retracting the original statement that offended that person. The NT person in the argument said it's necessary to retract the original statement; the non-NT person felt that to do so would essentially mean that he was lying in his original statement, if he could retract it so easily, and that lying is more repugnant than offending a friend with an honest opinion. He felt regret for causing offense, but did not cease to hold the position that caused the offense.
What a silly thing to argue about, right? And even sillier when you realize that it's essentially an argument about, "The way my brain works is better than the way your brain works." That's like saying, "I'm better because my favorite color is better than yours, and it is better than yours because it's my favorite." Circular logic. The only grounds to say that your own brain is better is that it is your own-- and, if you believe that, you probably wouldn't believe it any less if you had the other person's brain instead of your own.
Someone can know more than someone else, someone can be more socially skilled than someone else, but I don't think it's possible to say that someone's brain, overall, is a more desirable type of brain than someone else's. You get into Eugenics' territory if you follow that particular path very far.
So, I'm making more of a committment to stop when I'm offended and think about whether or not the person who upset me meant to cause me offense. And I'm eliminating the phrase, "You're acting/communicating/behaving inappropriately" from my vocabulary, except with small children whose behavior is my responsibility at the time, after hearing many of my non-NT friends' frustrations with that specific characterization of their behavior. Instead, I'll ask questions-- "Did you mean that comment as a sexual innuendo?" "Were you intending to characterize me as less intelligent than yourself?" "Did you know that your voice seems very loud to me right now?"
Hopefully that'll prevent me from being one of those clueless NTs who scolds and belittles others for what just happens to be the way they communicate; but if anyone else has tips for me (or NTs in general) on avoiding that situation, I'd be interested in hearing them.
Oh, and a suggestion of my own: If you're neurotypical and in a position to reprimand others about their behavior (teacher, manager, etc.), it might be wise to ask someone you know who isn't neurotypical if they'd mind occasionally giving you some advice, and asking them about situations in which the way someone is communicating just doesn't make much sense to you. Maybe you've got some crossed wires of your own with someone in your life.
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