Am I just completely out of touch?

[LewisLegion]

Don't get me wrong, I love them to death but...I'm tired of it.

I live with my BF and her husband. My BF I have no issues with. Her husband and I have a sort of brother/sister relationship, complete with the arguing. (I'll call them B and H)

Thing is, I'm fairly laid back but some things are really starting to irritate me. And the petty things that irritate him are just baffling. I'm not exactly a social butterfly so...am I just thinking about this wrong or is this stuff that would annoy anyone else?

He's an only child...that's the excuse I get all the time for this behavior and while I understand the connotation that really doesn't excuse it for me.

Example one: We have an enormous recycling bin. One of those huge green rolling industrial cans. Even with the three of us, it rarely fills to the top before it goes out once a week, unless we throw out an inordinate number of boxes or something.

A while ago, H bought a can crusher to mash aluminum cans before they go into the bin. Most of the time I mash mine but every once in a while, I throw an unmashed can into the in if I'm in a hurry. So of course I get lectured by H when this happens about how grossed out he is having to dig through the recycle bin to fish out the unmashed cans in order to mash them.

My response was, 'if it grosses you out, then why do it?'

Him: Because i bought the masher and i want to get the use out of it and it saves room.

Me: Does the bin really get so full that one or two unmashed cans makes a difference? We don't mash the empty milk gallons after all.

Him: It does sometimes. Just mash them.

Ok, whatever.

Then, I scooped the cat box and put the tied bag of refuse on the windowsill in the kitchen while i put my shoes and stuff on to go to work (have to pass the can in the garage in order to get to my car so i just toss it on the way). Well, i was in a particular hurry/flustered and forgot the bag. He noticed it when he came downstairs.

A normal reaction (to my mind) would be...oh, she forgot this. let me go throw it out...

Yeah, no. What does he do? Takes the bag and puts it ON MY DESK so that I'd know I'd forgotten it and what a horrible thing it was and how much it grossed him out. His wife had to point out how stupid and petty that was and he finally went and just tossed it, before telling me (when I got home) what he'd done and again, how horrible and gross that was.

Another thing: Doing things before I have a chance to do them and then lecturing me about not doing them.

Case in point. I have five birds, they have one. I feed the birds every day, once a day. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the evening, but they get fed every day. A couple of the birds are fat (one in particular is a big pig) but none of them are starving. They get fed.

So I sleep in on weekends. He gets up twenty minutes before me, notices the bowls are empty, and feeds them. Then lectures me later on about feeding my birds. Uh...you fed them before I got up. Thank you for doing me a favor but no one made you do it. They weren't going to starve in the twenty minutes it took me to go in there and notice the bowls were already full.

Next thing: Leave my stuff alone.

They both have a horrible habit of messing with my things because they think I need to be cleaned up after. For example, my desk is down in the living room...so is H's. Both our desks are messy and piled with papers/bills/etc. However, I am the one that gets lectured about the messy desk, and on occassion, I am the one that comes home to find they have cleaned it up for me, depositing all my bills, letters, papers, etc. into a bag they then put up in my room. If I did that to HIS desk, I would never hear the end of it.

We have seperate bathrooms...theirs is in their room and mine is in the hall. Yesterday I took a shower and left my clothes piled on the floor in my bathroom...a neat pile behind the door, with the door shut. I did this because I wanted to wash them, they already had a load going in the washer, and the bathroom is right next to the washer (literally like two feet away). So I left them there out of the way rather than carry them into my room only to have to carry them out again to dump in the washer in twenty minutes.

One of them, not sure who, went into my bathroom (which they don't use and have no reason to go into), picked up my dirty clothes, and put them on the dryer. WHY?? What was the point of that? I understand they think they're helping but...really, why can't they just leave things alone?

And my bed. My room is generally clean and I tend to leave my door open. Thing is I rarely if ever make my bed. Who cares? I'm the only one that ever goes in there. But I will walk into my room to find someone has made my bed.

Do you know what would happen if I went into their bathroom and arbitrarily started moving things around or taking dirty clothes from there and putting them on the washer? If I started straightening up their room or their bed?

I don't know, maybe I'm over-reacting but...yeah. What do you guys think?

[blas87]

This is why I'm dreading moving home

[Andara Bledin]

It's a bit late in the game, but you really need to set a boundary, especially if you pay rent. If the bedroom (absolutely) and the bathroom (up for debate) are for your use exclusively, they need to keep out. Even if you don't pay rent, them going into your bedroom is trespassing, despite it being their house. Just as with an apartment, they are technically required to give you 24 hours notice before entering (rarely enforced in a room rental situation).

As an aside, making the bed is actually not to be preferred; the bedding needs time to air out, so it's better to leave it turned down during the day as opposed to made. One article I found mentions that a bed made shortly after rising creates a fertile environment for dust mites, as one example.

^-.-^

[LewisLegion]

No, I don't pay rent. Actually I'm the one that owns the house, and they pay rent to me.

[Nekojin]

No, I don't pay rent. Actually I'm the one that owns the house, and they pay rent to me.

Then you need to put your foot down, and make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable. They may be your best friend and her hubby, but it's ultimately your house, and there's no cause for harrassment or bullying (and yes, I'd characterize some of what you say he's doing as bullying) when you're doing them the favor of renting them space.

[Andara Bledin]

Cripes, really?

Ok, if it's your house and they're renting, you absolutely, as of yesterday, need to lay out a few rules.

First off, keep out of your rooms. Your bedroom and bathroom are off limits and if they don't like what they see they can close the door, but touching anything inside either is just so beyond not cool and a major invasion of privacy. Add your desk to that list, too. Seriously, who the hell cleans up another person's personal workspace?

Next, no putting the bagged cat litter anywhere other than on the sill or in the trash. Period. Moving it into the main house and on your desk is just foul and I can't believe anybody thought that was cool.

As for the birds, I'd suggest setting a "feed by" time for them. Make it something that you can easily make happen. If he puts food in any time before that, then he's doing you a favor and should shut the hell up. He should still shut the hell up after that, really, but if you have a time limit, you can use it to cut off his bitch potential before it even starts.

^-.-^

[HotelKatz]

H pisses me off and I never met the guy.

My gut feeling says he resents renting from you because it means he has to depend on someone and that means he isn't the top dog. Thus, he gets back at you by trying to enforce rules on you, like everything must be cleaned, cans must be mashed, and etc.

[MaggieTheCat]

Oh my word.

Everything Andara said, basically. What they are doing is so far beyond acceptable it's squarely in territory.

My mom used to do stuff like "clean up" my desk/room and even re-arrange my room (move the bed and other furniture around completely) without telling, let alone asking me, when I lived at home. Her excuses were "Well, now everything is tidy and you can find stuff" (regarding the cleaning up -- which BTW, no I never could find my stuff, since she moved it all around) and "The room just needed to be changed around" (when she'd move the furniture in my room. No real excuse just "because.")

I would be seriously tempted to go mess with their stuff. Nothing damaging, just equivalent to what they've done to you. Find their laundry basket and bring it into the laundry room as a "favor" to them and to "remind" them they need to do laundry. Change their sheets. When it's their turn to feed the birds/scoop the litter box, do it before they get a chance to. When they throw a fit, tell them in no uncertain terms that you don't like it when they do the same to you, so they need to back off.

[blas87]

My mom got paranoid once or twice or...many times, that I was friends with drug dealers and other bad folk (ok, I was), and she decided to play cop serving a search warrant in my room, and I came home a few times to find my closet door opened, and everything in it strewn about my room, and everything that was under the bed, was now blocking the bed.

She never did find anything interesting, other than a diary to read, but I'm so lazy, I never kept anything too juicy in there.

Silly mommy. I knew better than to have stuff like that in the house.

[Greenday]

blas, if I were dealing with something like that, I would have come up with a fake diary to write as much crazy ridiculous stuff as possible just to upset them. Serves them right for snooping.

[aurelemsrealm]

All of that kind of stuff is why I would never consider moving in with roommates when I was single. I already know I'm very territorial with my own space. When I was growing up, my parents were not particularly invasive of my room. My sister, on the other hand, was the typical sibling pest.

In college, I was required to live in the dorms, and I hated every minute of sharing the room with someone I barely knew. I had two different roommates. The first one was essentially the whiniest bigot I've ever met. I'm white, and he's black, and that's why I chose to describe him as a bigot. There's much more to that story, but that's another thread in itself. I was able to tolerate the second roommate more easily, but he was still an asshole. He was basically one of those spoiled brats who never grew up or took responsibility for himself. He was lazy and never cleaned up after himself, and he was always lending my stuff out to anyone who asked for something. The only good part was he was careless with his money, so I kept what I found as compensation for having to put up with his crap during the semester since he was so free about helping himself to my stuff and never offering to help keep the room clean.

Other than that, I always insisted on having my own place. I just knew I'd probably kill most roommates because I am possessive with my belongings. Also, I tend to be a little bit particular when it comes to money matters like utilities and other common services. As my wife puts it, I'm very set in my ways.

[jackfaire]

This is actually why I live with my mom as opposed to moving in with roommates. My mom will leave my shit alone and has never been one to actually look through my shit.

Your not out of touch. From your description they view it as their house and your renting from them. That's the way they are treating it like you have to have their permission on how you live.

[LewisLegion]

You guys are right on some points and I do need to put my foot down on some things, I agree.

Thing is, I never wanted to be 'that asshole' that said, 'this is my house, you'll do as your told'. As far as I'm concerned its our house but at the same time, we're adults and some respect has to be given.

[Andara Bledin]

When "doing what you're told" equates to "respecting other people's boundaries," you're not being "that asshole" by drawing the line.

The guy's treating you like a child, as if you need correction to behave properly. Does he not have better things to do than play neat-cop over the house?

^-.-^

[aurelemsrealm]

Lewis, I must say, you are definitely nicer than I would have been considering you own the house. I figure if people don't like the way I run my house, they can find somewhere else to go. Then again, my wife is right about me being set in my ways.

"This is my house, you'll do as you're told," may be carrying it to the extreme, but it sounds like your friends have no problems moving in and taking over. I consider that to be crossing the line. As the home owner, you do reserve the right to set some boundaries and ground rules governing the new living arrangement. I understand that you want your guests to feel at home since they are staying for an extended period of time, but they are there by your invitation even if they are paying rent. They have an obligation to show respect for you and your home.