Why Should I Accept It? (Very long, with some language)

[Medea]

BG: I've been an occasional lurker here for a while. I've not really had anything new to add to any discussions, so I decided to not join in as it would have been purely for the sake of it. However, something that really pissed me off happened earlier. (BTW I'm sorry if this matter has been discussed recently - I'm a VERY occasional lurker.) [/BG]

Being a woman in an urban environment, I've dealt with a lot of lewd behaviour from men. I know I'm not the only woman to have experienced this. I have spoken at length with my girlfriends about it. Every single one of them has several stories that include, but are not limited to:

-Nasty cat-calls: "Sweet pair of jigglers you have, love!"

-Disturbing notes: "Dear Little Asian Lady On The Train, You are beautiful and I like looking at you for long times. I would like to see you wear less clothes though."

-Unwanted physical contact: e.g. hair-stroking, face-touching.

-Outright groping: everyone had had their behind and/or breasts intentionally grabbed by a stranger at some point.

-Sexual assault: e.g. forced into giving a hand job at a train station.

I spoke about this with them all today, and many had new stories to add due to the recent good weather in the UK. I had my own little addition.

A few days ago I was been walking to my poker club when a car slowed right down and drove alongside me. It was full of university students (I recognised one of them as I showed him around my old hall of residence, and I'd seen another in my department), all men, all commenting on my 'fuckable titties' and 'meaty arse' (a couple of quotes for flavour).

I'll admit I felt pretty intimidated by this, but I tried to keep my head clear and think of a strategy, because they weren't going to go away of their own accord and there was nobody else around. After about 1 street of this horrific behaviour, I quickly grabbed my iPhone and turned the video camera on, so I got a good sample of their comments and a visual to prove it. I then told them that I knew they all lived in [Hall of Residence] and I would be having a word with [Warden] about it. I even remembered the license plate, even though they took off like a bolt of lightning. I told my poker club about what happened and they said I should call the police. I said I would email the Warden first.

True to my word, the next day I emailed the Warden about my experience, attaching the video. He replied in a few hours stating that the men in question would be disciplined in accordance with the university's rules and that I was welcome to press charges myself and he would personally identify all the men for me in court, if it came to that.

I'm not entirely sure how the university handles this kind of anti-social behaviour, but I'm pretty certain if I press charges and they stick, they could be expelled. One of them is a med student, so I'm not sure if he would be allowed to become a doctor with a record. (I'm not 100% on the university's policy on acquiring criminal records during study. I've been trying to research it, but it seems it's on a need-to-know basis.)

Anyway, I related this story to my girlfriends and they are divided as to whether I should press charges.

Most of them (3 out of 4) believe I shouldn't. They say that I will be ruining these guys' lives over something that guys just do. Plus, I'll alienate all my friends at the university. (This does not include any of them, they are old school friends.)

The remaining one believes that these guys are guilty of harassment, which is a crime, which should therefore be punished, and if this incident ruins the rest of their lives, that's not my problem. I agree with her. I have extremely clear evidence (a video of four very identifiable men in a convertible, about 2 feet from me, all jeering and leering), which is such a precious rarity, and I want to send the message to other people that this behaviour is not acceptable. Besides, I'm in my final year, I have no popularity contests to win here.

What struck me here is not the case of harassment - it's a horrible experience, but one that I'm sadly used to. My friends' attitudes towards the harassment is what I hate here. Apparently, it's something I should just accept. They called it something that 'guys just do', and one of them even thought I went too far in notifying the Warden because 'they didn't hurt [me] or anything'.

I didn't stay for much longer, as I was so angry. I've noticed my friends are very reluctant to call guys out on this kind of thing and I don't understand why. They have all been where I was and worse. We have even all been together when this kind of behaviour occurs and they don't seem to think it's worth being indignant:

-We have been clubbing, and when any man other than my boyfriend grabs my behind, I will shout at him. My friends will call it an overreaction.

-A pair of old men once referred to us, when we were 14, as a 'cunt brigade'. I wanted to tell the mall's security guards, they said we should just leave.

-My own mother once told me to humour the cat-calls of builders and accept it as a compliment. (Incidentally, when I told her I had joined the university's feminist society, she said, 'Why are you in with all the dikes?')

I just don't understand why they don't think it's a big problem. If I had to guess I would say it's because they're so used to it, they don't see it as something that could be changed, but it leaves them afraid. I don't think it should be that way. I don't think women should have to be afraid that a stranger making a comment about her body when she leaves the house. I don't think anyone should have that fear.

[Rapscallion]

If you press charges and they stick, you won't be the one responsible for their expulsion, they will.

Without action against their behaviour, it will continue, or get worse. Without boundaries, we humans tend to be a very flawed species.

If you go for pressing charges it has to be your decision. It won't be easy, and it may do some good, but it's your choice in that regard.

Rapscallion

[Nyoibo]

It's not something "men just do" it's something fucktards do, if a med student is making stupid decisions like this then he probably shouldn't be a doctor.

[gremcint]

They took off when they realized that what they were doing is not ok, and they chose to do it anyways so I say charge them. In regards to this behaviour from men, it sucks and it's not something you should ever have to put up with, but be careful in your responses as you may get into a situation that will not end well. As for the video there is also the youtube option.

I will commend the Warden's response of agreeing to discipline and help if you want to press charges.

[Andara Bledin]

It's that whole, "it's just something they do, and we should just put up with it" attitude that allows this sort of unacceptable behavior to be seen as ok.

It's worth noting that people who have accepted that they are less and should just accept that they will be objectified and dehumanized don't have the sense of self to defend themselves and will often fight against anyone who does, as, in a way, others' fighting against it makes them seem, in contrast, as if they want it.

That, and most decent people don't like to "make waves." Thankfully, my mother was never one to settle for less than her due, and I took that lesson well. My brother, on the other hand, would tend to let himself get treated like shit so long as nobody noticed him.

I'm proud of you for taking the time and making the effort to show the world at large that such behavior is unacceptable and that women don't have to put up with that sort of thing.

^-.-^

[Gravekeeper]

It's not something "men just do" it's something fucktards do, if a med student is making stupid decisions like this then he probably shouldn't be a doctor.

^ That right there.

"Guys" don't just do that. "Assholes" do. They didn't give any consideration to your wellbeing. You owe them none for theirs.

Though it sounds like you're surrounded by a rather aggravating cultural problem of accepting this sort of shit as being okay.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Agree all the way. Also, if you take a stand now, then hopefully these guys will learn a lesson and curb their behaviour, and it won't escalate. A lot of men who commit assaults started off with name calling and other so called "minor" harrassments, but soon, cuz they were not checked, escalated into assault.

If they end up getting the boot from their college, then it's their own tough luck. You, as a woman, are worthy of respect; I hate the "It's just what they do" or "boys will be boys" excuses with a passion; it's just a means of excusing behaviour which should not be tolerated in any shape or form.

[SkullKing]

Assuming you do not fear retaliatory action. I think you should press charges.

They did not show you any respect.

And besides, I doubt thay are going to go to jail for something liek that, they would probably have some fine or community service, which I think is quite appropriate.

Assuming, the whole process of pressing charges and all isn´t too much trouble for what it is worth.

[Talon]

They say that I will be ruining these guys' lives...

Boo-fucking-hoo, play them the world's smallest violin! They didn't have to harass you.

...over something that guys just do.

That's incredibly insulting to the male species. I'm a guy and I've never done any of that shit.

Frankly the 3/4 of your friends don't seem to have much respect for themselves. Unfortunate, but that's their call, not yours.

Come to think of it, is it possible your friends are ego-projecting? You had the courage to stand up, they didn't, and they don't like that you're showing them up? Just a thought.

[Shangri-laschild]

They took off when they realized that what they were doing is not ok, and they chose to do it anyways so I say charge them.

While I agree with the idea of pressing charges, I'd say it's more likely that they took off because they were afraid of getting into trouble rather than thinking they shouldn't have been doing what they were doing.

Maybe talk to the Warden or the police about what all would be involved in pressing charges before you decide. It might help you know what all to expect before making a decision.

It's sad that your friends have that attitude about things. They should not just accept people treating them like that. Good for you for being more willing to stand up for yourself!

[lupo pazzesco]

...

I'm going to try and be as level headed as I can, but I can't guarantee anything. I know all too well about the catcalls, the propositions and the outright disgusting behavior of assholes with a penis. (Not men. Being in a relationship, I've come to appreciate the difference between the two)

I was like your friends, I figured it was just a male thing, keep my head down and move on. I figured that was it, because, hey, shit happens. It's not my fault technically, but I do have a large bust, and in the summer I wear tank tops and capris that emphasize the figure, because it's warm out. Whatever, that's just the status quo.

And then I was attacked and almost raped on my way to work one morning. Walking from the bus, a guy passed me going the opposite way, then turned around, came up behind me and grabbed my ass, shoved me into a fence, and started trying to feel me up. I managed to get away, but if I hadn't, I'd probably have been raped, judging by where his hands were going.

I ran, and I called the police, but after one guy was brought for me to ID (It wasn't him, which made it worse), nothing happened. I didn't follow up with the report because, hey, that's just how things go, right?


Fuck no. Now, I wish I had followed up, and made it clear that it was unacceptable. If I had, and he'd have been arrested and charged, then convicted, well, then it would have been his fault. HE chose to ruin his life, not me. The same applies to your situation. The assholes who assaulted you aren't ever going to learn there are consequences, and they aren't ever going to learn what it is to be men, rather they're always going to be assholes. Little boys who are strutting and waving their penis around as though it's a pass, and thus they have a godgiven right to act like fucking goathumping sons of bitches.

Press charges. And your friends? If they are your friends, they should stand by you, not tell you to just accept it. Ask them why? Ask them why it's ok, and if they can give you a reason other than "Boys will be boys", because quite frankly, fuck that. Fuck thoses asshole sons of syphilitic whores, it's NOT ok, and it never should be.

It's good advice to talk to the Warden and the police, find out the process before following through. I applaud you for wanting to change things, and only wish I'd been brave enough myself. Best of luck. I'm going to go sit in the corner and breathe now...sorry if this came off as too vehement.

[tropicsgoddess]

You shouldn't have to accept unwanted advances and/or sexual harassment. You're not to blame for if the dumb ass gets in trouble for being lewd. That's their problem if they get in trouble for being lewd, not yours.

[ExRetailDrone]

I agree with the others that you shouldn't have to just sit back and take such disgusting behavior because of the tired excuse of "boys will be boys". They're assholes, plain and simple. They're wastes of oxygen if they can't realize how to treat another human being in a respectful manner, rather than having the need to show off what big [*cough*small*cough*] dicks they have.

I think it would be a good idea to see what you will be going through first before ultimately making your decision, but don't just sit idly by and let them get away with such filth. I applaud you so much for wanting to stand up for yourself and other women who they have and will harass, because it's guaranteed that it's not just you.

Seriously,

[Greenday]

Letting people get away with stuff only encourages more bad behavior. If no one ever puts a stop to it, these douches will never stop doing it themselves.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Plus, they will be doing it to more and more women; pressing charges not only means that these dickheads will be punished and shown that what they are doing isn't acceptable, but will save more women from being harrassed.