Oops Sorry, I'm Not Ready...

[blas87]

This isn't about me or anything going on with me. This is happening to my brother.

He got rid of the psychopathic hosebeast a while back, and started seeing someone new a few weeks ago. I met her on pretty much day 2 of them seeing each other, and I thought she was a cutie pie and good for him. She even liked me, so imagine how awesome that is

Anyway, a few weeks of them hanging out, she even met our family (twice, once was a casual dinner out at Olive Garden, the other was last Sunday, where I did my usual routine of cleaning house and mom spent all day cooking big Sunday dinner) and she stayed for hours talking with my parents and brother (I left early to hang with friends). This weekend, they had plans to go to the big country music festival that costs....well....MUCHO dinero to go to and drink at.

Just last night, she texts him that....oops, all of a sudden, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm really not ready for this. I just realized I'm scared, and probably not ready for a new relationship.

Ok. I get it. I get it. Blah blah blah "be thankful she was honest", yada yada preach preach, ok, whatever....but.....really? You made it as far as meeting the family, spending time with us, investing some pretty costly crap with my brother...and it's....ohhh...I'm not ready????

Really??

[LexiaFira]

i did this before. only because i didn't stop, really really stop long enough to think am i really ready for a new relationship. and i felt no i wasn't
however i had not gotten as far to seeing the parents or investing that much...

if that was what happened i guess but again, what blas said really...after having done all that...

[HYHYBT]

Ok. I get it. I get it. Blah blah blah "be thankful she was honest", yada yada preach preach, ok, whatever....but.....really? You made it as far as meeting the family, spending time with us, investing some pretty costly crap with my brother...and it's....ohhh...I'm not ready????

Really??

It actually makes perfect sense to me, whether it's thinking she was ready until she got to a point she realized she wasn't ready for after all, or else plain old cold feet. Of course, it's also possible she just wanted to break up and thought this was a gentler way of doing it.

[blas87]

It happened to me so often, when I was younger, that I have very little tolerance of people doing this sort of thing.

I am a lot more mature than I used to be (believe it or not), and I do, I really DO understand how people can be confused, how people can get into things they aren't ready for, but I've always been a firm believer that you should never drag an innocent person into your personal problems. What used to happen to me, was guys found an easy rebound in me, and would get me to believe they would date me, but then turn around "Nope, not ready yet" or "My ex wants me back, sorry, I love her, gotta give it another chance, bye!"

So I guess if you can understand my point here, this is why I don't really tolerate nonsense like that.

If she had just been honest that she wanted someone to fill the time gap with, or wasn't looking for anything serious, that'd be fine and he'd have no reason to be hurt or upset. But to make a person think you really want to be with them....is mean.

[the_std]

But what if she truly believed she was ready, until something came along to show her that she wasn't? Maybe she didn't do it to be mean, she just realized she couldn't be with him.

I've done that before, and while I felt awful, it was better in the long run to say, "I'm sorry, I can't do this", rather than continue on with it.

I'm sorry guys used you, but how do you know that is what she did to your brother?

[Aethian]

I think she was maybe discussing the relationship with someone else and maybe found herself moving too fast. You've had bad relationships Blass, can you honestly blame her for not wanting to end up in one she may not be ready for?

[blas87]

I don't believe she honestly used him.

He feels really hurt, not only by the situation itself, but by the fact that he'd already invested a lot of time in with her and they'd already met each other's families and he was going to shell out a bunch of money for them to camp out and go to the country music festival together.

I mean, if you guys really wanna pick on my brother and I, call us cheapskates or whatever, we care a lot about money, but you could probably already tell that from knowing me for so long.

And, it's not all about the money itself, but the timing felt just so convenient, after there had been just enough time to start getting comfortable and wanting to make things grow.....

I do appreciate her honesty, and I'm not about to go all angry big sister bear after her or anything (God knows I have no more energy left in me to hate anymore), I just wish she'd put a little more thought into what she was getting herself into.

I've hurt someone recently, even though it was that person's fault the relationship ended, I've left some long, long term scars on this person and right now I've been dealing with carrying the load on my shoulders of knowing I'm the reason this person now drinks and smokes heavily every single day (used to do neither). So, I do know what it's like to carry the guilt and burden of hurting someone, knowing you HAD to do it.

It's just my baby brother we're talking about here. That's my best friend. I hate to see him hurt. When he hurts, I hurt. He took off yesterday and I haven't seen him since.

[AdminAssistant]

She may have also noticed lingering side-effects from his relationship with PsychoBitch. It takes a lot of patience to handle someone fresh out of a bad relationship. Heaven knows that it took a LONG time for me to convince Hubby that I wasn't his ex-fiance. I wasn't manipulative. I wasn't a cheater. Had I not loved him so much and been ready to stick it out for the long haul, it might have been enough to push me away.

[the_std]

I understand that you're upset for your brother, blas. It's a natural reaction, and it sucks that it had to end this way for him. But he hadn't spent the money yet, so even if the money WAS an issue, he wasn't out that money yet. Yes, he's out the time he spent with her, but such is the danger of entering into relationships in the first place.

Sometimes it takes getting a bit deeper into a relationship (meeting the families) to realize that you're not in the right place for a relationship yet. Sometimes that's the nudge it takes to make you see it.

You're definitely allowed to be hurt for your brother, and no one is negating his feelings - it really sucks to be him right now. But I wouldn't blame the girl too badly - your brother's pain is part and parcel of getting into a relationship in the first place.

[blas87]

It was my parents. It had to be.

That's my new story, anyway.

I'd say he's recovered well from Psycho. I'm pretty proud of him. When they broke up, he was still overseas for work, so I didn't get to see him for a few weeks yet, since he didn't come back until the day before I moved home.

I'm just glad all of the friends of his that Pyscho tried to get in the way of, were there with open arms when he came back and were glad to have the old brother blas back.

Who knows, maybe it was me

[SkullKing]

He feels really hurt, not only by the situation itself, but by the fact that he'd already invested a lot of time in with her and they'd already met each other's families and he was going to shell out a bunch of money for them to camp out and go to the country music festival together.

I just want to point out, that to me this seems like a very valid point in a relationship to say you are not ready.

You already met each other's families, so you know that it is getting serious. And if you start feeling uncomfortable, and think you are not ready, it was a good thing to have said it before your brother spent the load of money he was planning to spend..

I hear too many stories of girls who would wait until the guy took them to the expensive place(in this case the music festival) and break up the moment they were back.

[siead_lietrathua]

it's usually when things start getting serious that people will either forge on or balk out of a relationship. it's kind of like how people start to notice what annoys them more about their partner after getting engaged. when you start analysing someone as a person you might spend 24/7 with instead of as a casual thing, that's when you find whether or not they are right for you, or if you are ready for that type of relationship.
i notice you said she has met/spent time with the family within the first two weeks. but didnt mention how long they were together in total. if it was shortly after meeting the family that they broke up, it could have been things were moving too fast for her. some people are more comfortable with a slow dating process and not being thrust into the casualness of just hanging with a new boyfriends family.

[blas87]

I don't know, I guess I'm just more of a hardass than most people, or I guess, too hard on people. Always been that way. I've never been able to understand why some people do the things they do.

I appreciate a person's honesty, I really do. I just....I don't know. I'm carrying around a lot of guilt right now that I shouldn't be. So maybe it's easier for me to try to push that away and be upset at someone else, even though I did absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't feel guilty, I have every day reminders that I can't help but feel guilty anyway. I really don't want to derail the thread and make it all about me....but, my Whiney Petulant Man Infant Ex.......oooh lordy....you don't even want to know what's become of him lately. And, it's like there's a bounty on my head.

[kibbles]

Blas..from your posts on here alone you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I have no idea how you put up with what you did for so long!!

[Peppergirl]

.......oooh lordy....you don't even want to know what's become of him lately. And, it's like there's a bounty on my head.

*raises hand* I would!