Living Too Fast

[Jaden]

I have got to get my life together.

Any day that I'm not working, and even some that I am, I'm drunk, or...in other states of altered perception. Admittedly, the latter has only been a couple of times, but still. As time goes on, the more and more stupid shit I'm doing. And what sucks is that I totally can't seem to regain control of it. It's just getting worse and worse.

Am I an alcoholic? I don't know. I never drink alone, only with my friends. But the rate of drinking with my friends has steadily increased. Last year, it was maybe once a month, at most. Then it became one every couple of weeks, then once a week, and now it might be three or four times a week. As things have gotten worse for me on a personal level, as I've lost more friends and more lovers my drinking and...other things have gotten worse and worse. And I'm never doing anything in moderation.

I've tried therapy. I've tried medication. Nothing really helps me all that much. And what's terrible is that I know, deep down, that I wish somebody would care enough to try and stop me, or slow my life down. But it seems as though nobody does, or will.

At this rate it will just keep accelerating and accelerating until I self destruct. I both dread it and I crave it. I don't know how else to describe it. All I know is that I'm far too young for life to have taken its toll on me this much. Everybody tells me so. And yet, here I am. My willpower has sunk to an all-time low and I feel like I'm fighting for my sanity just about every waking day.

I always try to be honest about my intentions. I can lie and say that I'm posting this just to vent and I'm not looking for any help or sympathy, but I am. I don't want anybody to worry about me hurting or killing others, because I could never do that - I hold no ill will towards other people in general, and it's simply not in my nature to hurt other people. I don't want anybody to worry about me killing myself, because I'm much too passive and afraid to do so. I just want somebody to worry about me.

[Hyena Dandy]

I didn't worry about you before.

Now I do.

PM me if you wanna talk.

[HYHYBT]

I just want somebody to worry about me.

That, you have.

[SkullKing]

I would also like to extend the invitation to PM me if you want to talk. I have been told I am a good listener,. Don´t know how this translates to text, if all though.

Good luck getting your life together.

Do you have any hobbies?

Having a constructive Hobby helped me a lot in some parts of my life.

[Sarah Valentine]

I'm here to talk too, IV was a very heavy drinker. I've heard and seen some of the shit that he's done and said when he got a hold of a bottle or can, don't be afraid to talk.

[brandy]

[QUOTE=Jaden;122811]I have got to get my life together.





I've tried therapy. I've tried medication. Nothing really helps me all that much. And what's terrible is that I know, deep down, that I wish somebody would care enough to try and stop me, or slow my life down. But it seems as though nobody does, or will.

Jaden, I understand that you are scared about the path your life is taking and that you feel nothing has helped so far. However, nobody can take control of your substance use but you. Other people can try to stop you, but unless YOU want to change and take those steps, it will be a futile effort. You also need to want to change for you, not for anyone else.

With substance use, stopping cannot be a passive thing, you have to actively want to stop and try to stop. Have you considered detox/rehab. You may need to go to an inpatient facility for some time to really get better. Its also very common for people to need several times detoxing or going to rehab before it really takes.

And if you truely are an addict, this will be a lifelong issue that you will need to deal with. You need to learn coping skills to manage your desire to drink/use drugs and you need to get to the bottom of why you turned to substance abuse as a coping skill in the first place.

There are no quick fixes, and this is something that is going to take time and effort to address, and only you can manage it. If you are interested in going to an inpatient facility but don't know where to start, call your mental health insurance provider and ask what the precert process is, and/or go to your local ER and ask for a substance abuse evaluation. They can help you from there. Good luck, and I hope you are able to figure out a solution for yourself. PM me if you want more information.

[Nekojin]

Ticking away the moments
That make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours
In an off-hand way

Kicking around on a piece of ground
In your home town
Waiting for someone or something
To show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine
Staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long
And there is time to kill today

And then the one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun

And you run and you run
To catch up with the sun
But it's sinking
Racing around
To come up behind you again
The sun is the same
In a relative way
But you're older
Shorter of breath
And one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught
Or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation
Is the English way

The time is gone
The song is over
Thought I'd something more to say

Home
Home again
I like to be here
When I can

When I come home
Cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones
Beside the fire

Far away
Across the field
Tolling on the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spell...

[Lyse]

I'm not active on this board, but I am available if you need someone to talk to.

[Jaden]

I'm fairly confident that I'm not addicted to anything...not yet. Certainly not physically, but I have a growing emotional addiction to alcohol, I think. The lonelier I get, the more I drink. I'm smart enough to know where my life is heading if I continue down this way. I just don't know how to stop it out of my own power. My willpower has sunk to an all-time low.

I appreciate all of the invitations to talk. Thank you.

[Andara Bledin]

You're most likely like me.

It's not the alcohol or the drinking, but the comfort of losing yourself in a habit that is comfortable.

I do this a lot with a lot of different "substances" I can get obsessive over. Mostly things like games, books, forums, writing... I enjoy doing them, and if I'm in a mood where I'm not happy with the rest of my life, I can end up getting so absorbed in whatever it is that's captured my interest that the rest of my life suffers.

^-.-^

[Jaden]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I also get lost in books, video games, and music. But those aren't harmful to my health. Drinking and drugs are, and the more and more life gets to me, the further I slip into using them. I'm not at dangerous levels, not yet. I don't need rehab or detox at the moment. I just know that if my life continues like this, I will eventually. I already feel like a failure. I went to two different universities and both times I had to drop out due to my depression/lack of motivation. I've already lost too many friends.

Ugh. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be complaining about life taking a toll on me at age 22. It sounds so fake and so whiny. But it's just so hard sometimes for me to even handle the loneliness and alienation and jadedness and bitterness I feel at times. Drinking and having fun with my friends makes me feel better for at least a bit of time =/

[Hyena Dandy]

Ugh. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be complaining about life taking a toll on me at age 22. It sounds so fake and so whiny.

I'm 22 too. You don't need to be a certain age or a certain type of person to have life take a bit of a toll on you. Only you can know how much of a toll it's taken on you. And only you can judge it, as well. Some complaints may sound minor to other people, but the only person who can judge if something hurts you is you. You're the only one in your head.

No complaint is stupid.

[crashhelmet]

Like Brandy said, only you can control your habits. We can and will be here for support, but you're the one that has to do it.

To quote Morpheus, "I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it."

Try and step outside of yourself. Take a look at what it is that drives you to drown yourself in intoxication. Look for specifics and then see what you can do to change them. Don't be afraid to think outside the box when it comes to finding those ways to change things either. Ask yourself what advice you'd give to a friend in the same situation.

We're here for ya

[Andara Bledin]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I also get lost in books, video games, and music. But those aren't harmful to my health.

Those aren't as obviously and immediately harmful, but anything to excess is harmful. Also, don't forget that your mental health is as important as your physical health.

As has been said, however, you are the one that must decide that you are ready and willing to change your habits. I know it can be incredibly difficult to choose the more strenuous and more taxing option (believe me, I know), but if you really want to break out of the pattern you've fallen into, then at some point you have to say to yourself, "Fuck it, I want something else out of my life" and then make the effort to have that something else.

It's not easy and it might take several attempts before you can manage to follow through to completion, but you have to choose to make the effort.

If it's the socialization more than the substances that have you out, you might try getting together with your friends for an exercise group. Get a group together to get an exercise routine together. That way, you would still be getting together and hanging out, but what you would be doing hanging out would be less detrimental to your well-being.

^-.-^

[blas87]

I'm the exact same way with shopping.

I'm not saving hardly any money at all, even living rent free now. But something just makes me feel so comforted, being in a store surrounded by cute tops and shoes and whatnot.

Cigarettes have also been a big one for me. Though I'm down quite a bit from where I was even a year or two ago, there's something so comforting and relaxing, knowing no matter what goes wrong or who does what to me or how bad anything gets, I always have them.