Trying to explain things to somebody who can't/won't understand

[Jaden]

As everybody here probably knows by now, I suffer from depression. I've done my best to fight it. I'm not one of those people who complains about their problems and does nothing to try and fix them. I'm really not. I've tried hard, and I continue to try hard. I know it's my own battle and I try not to inflict it on other people.

So what exactly do I say to somebody who thinks I should just "cheer up" or "get over it" that won't leave me frustrated and on the verge of tears? I just had a long conversation with a friend of mine, and I tried to explain to her that it's just not that simple. It's like constantly waging war on yourself day after day, like trying to put a puzzle back together with some of the pieces missing. But all she says is that I just gotta have more willpower. Really, is that it?! How did I never think of that?? -_-

And I can't even blame her. She doesn't understand, because she's never had to deal with it. Why can't I just cheer up? I don't have a straight answer for that. So I just end up feeling foolish =/

[siead_lietrathua]

i've given up on explaining how depression works to people. everyone seems to come up with the baseline of it being "irrational". when you tell them yes, that's the point, they jsut get confused.
(trying to tell an irrational mind that it's being irrational won't have any effect simply because the mind is, in the end, irrational. )

[Andara Bledin]

One thing to consider is that depression has a physiological component.

I would explain it thusly:

Getting over being depressed is about as simple to do as, say, getting over being allergic to cat dander. It's just not going to happen just by wishing really hard and not working to treat the underlying cause. And, as with the allergy, there might not be any way to remove the root cause at all, and all that can be done is to alleviate the symptoms so that life can be more comfortable.

^-.-^

[AdminAssistant]

I've been meaning to post something on this topic from the other perspective. Hubby is depressed and having panic/anxiety attacks. We're trying to get him in to see a psychiatrist, but it's been insanely difficult to get something scheduled. Of course I'd take him to the ER in an emergency, but so far he's been unwilling to risk being put on 72 hour hold. Until then, it's just....patience. But, y'all, it is insanely frustrating and exhausting to be on the other end. Sometimes I do just want to shake him and scream, "Man up!" Because....I just want to go on weekend dates, do things besides stare at our computers or watch TV. I'm sitting here thinking about money for therapists and meds...where's that going to come from? And then...the guilt. The guilt for being more worried about our sex life and our budget than his health. I feel awful, and it's just so overwhelming.

[fireheart17]

I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Apart from my academic co-ordinator at the uni, the Disability Office at the uni and the Disability Employment folks I'm seeing at the moment, most people I will inform them that I suffer from dysthymia and anxiety. The reason why is that most of my symptoms are more inclined with those two, than they are with Borderline.

[Rapscallion]

http://depressioncomix.tumblr.com/

Show them that. May help explain it.

Rapscallion

[crashhelmet]

Those of us on the outside looking in have a hard time with it because of a few factors.

Massive Misdiagnosis
Psychiatrists make more money from multiple 15 minute sessions than they do weekly hour long sessions. Exploitation of the insurance system. often times, you're diagnosed before you even step through the door.

Seemingly Trivial Things
Regardless of the validity of the diagnosis, you have people that get seriously emotional and depressed over the most petty and trivial of things.

"Waa!!!! Daddy won't buy me a BMW!!!!!"
"WAAA!!!!!! The Boy/Girl I like likes someone else!!!"
"Waaa!!!!! No one responded to my tweet/facebook post!!! Everyone hates me!!!!"

There are memes based off of this and I can identify a lot of them in my family members, friends, and students. For every 1 person legitimately suffering from manic depression, you probably have 10-20, if not more, that are just being whiny.

That's not saying that we can't have individualized bouts of depression. I've had my share. And each was resolved by rationalizing shit in my brain.

As I said, those of us on the outside looking in can't always tell the difference. I can understand if you're depressed because someone close to you died or your realistic dreams of a certain career were crushed. But you'll get no sympathy from me whining over a "First World Problem" or like some spoiled princess that didn't get what they want.

[Jaden]

That's not saying that we can't have individualized bouts of depression. I've had my share. And each was resolved by rationalizing shit in my brain.

As I said, those of us on the outside looking in can't always tell the difference. I can understand if you're depressed because someone close to you died or your realistic dreams of a certain career were crushed. But you'll get no sympathy from me whining over a "First World Problem" or like some spoiled princess that didn't get what they want.

But that's the thing. I'm not depressed over anything specifically. You could argue that it came about after years of many things piling up, and that's almost certainly true, but at this point, I'm largely just a fragile shell. I'm not depressed about anything, and yet I'm depressed about everything. All it takes is one disappointment, one thing going wrong in the day, and I want to go hide away in my room, lie in bed, wallow in self pity, and never leave.

I don't want to be that way. I don't want it to be like that. But that's the way it is. I try and I try but the fight is exhausting. Like I said, it's like waging war with yourself constantly. My rational mind knows that it's not really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things that a girl I have feelings for doesn't want me, or that my manager told me he had an issue with something I was doing at work, or whatever. That doesn't change the fact that it crushes me.

But nothing even really needs to happen for me to feel like I'm stuck in a mire. It's perspective. I cant' see things clearly, I know that. When I look back, all I see is failure and disappointment. When I look ahead, I can't imagine anything else.

I'm not in love with my misery. I want to be happy. I try to be happy. I've gone to therapy, put myself on medication, I try to socialize, to get out of the house and do things even when I want to stay in bed. All I've gotten from it so far is frustration, because it hasn't worked. But I still keep trying.

And so I feel insulted when I'm told I just need to "man up" or "get over it" or "just cheer up." I've tried, damn it. And I keep trying. And when somebody tells me that, I try to tell them that it's not that easy until eventually they just roll their eyes and give up on me, just assuming I'd rather wallow in my misery than take their advice of "getting over it." And then I just feel foolish.

I'm not fishing for special treatment, or pity, or anything like that. I just wish that I knew how to explain things like this to people who don't already have to deal with it.

[siead_lietrathua]

agree so much with Jaden on this. it's like an ingrained part of the wiring of my brain now to have that constant running narrative of negativity and self-hatred. think of having someone following you 24/7 saying the meanest fucking shit on earth to you until you are a) convinced it's true, b) so fucking angry over it and c) so helpless to stop it that the only solution is to sleep so it shuts up.

jaden, maybe just tell them you suffer from clinical depression, and you don't want to discuss it. give up on explaining it to them and if they insist on trying to "man you up" and tell them to get fucked

[Andara Bledin]

You could argue that it came about after years of many things piling up, and that's almost certainly true, but at this point, I'm largely just a fragile shell.

That actually sounds like the perfect recipe for clinical depression.

You are depressed over real things for long enough that your system gets used to depression as your default status, so it starts making you depressed even when you have no trigger.

This is the sort of thing that would probably be best served by getting your system checked out by a doctor to determine whether there is an imbalance of some sort and then (hopefully) get the medication required to correct and potentially put things the way they should be.

People who tell those who are depressed to "man up" or "get over it" can get stuffed. It's a medical condition that should be treated, rather than shaming those who suffer from it into hiding and not seeking care.

^-.-^

[Gravekeeper]

Clinical depression is physiological. People that just tell you to "cheer up" are, whether they know it or not, being amazing dickholes. >.> Because its not a matter of willpower or mental state or anything. People don't realise that clinical depression functions the other way around. You're not feeling like shit because anything happened to make you feel like shit. You feel like shit out of the gate because the "Feel Like Shit" switch in your brain is jammed in the on position.

My ex was a manic depressive and I can freely admit that dealing with it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life. Especially considering I'm a rather laid back person myself. So being around someone who will destroy the entire house than cry for an hour because she can't find her socks wore me down to the bone. You can't reason with it in an way shape or form. Because the cause isn't actually anything to do with the situation at hand.

In my case though, my ex refused to take medication for it. She considered it somehow embarrassing to have to take medication to be "normal". Because somehow taking medication was less embarrassing than assaulting a 7/11 clerk over being 25 cents short for a slurpee or braining your boyfriend with a dictionary because he didn't hear what you said clearly the first time.

-.-

[blas87]

This is going to sound strange, but I find it's like there's a voice in my head, that, from time to time, shows up and tells me that I'm a loser, I'm worthless, I'm only good at spending money, I'm just boobs for brains, I have no hope, I have no future....

I hate that voice.

[Andara Bledin]

Everybody has that voice; it's name is Self-Doubt.

Some have a very quiet one that they can pretty much ignore entirely. Others have a very loud one that tries to shout them into depression (often aided by outside influences).

Unfortunately for those with a screamy voice, a lot of those with a quiet one don't understand how crippling more severe cases really are, or that it's a legitimate problem and not just "all in your head." Because een things that are all in your head are still there and need to be dealt with.

^-.-^

[Jaden]

Everybody has that voice; it's name is Self-Doubt.

Some have a very quiet one that they can pretty much ignore entirely. Others have a very loud one that tries to shout them into depression (often aided by outside influences).

Unfortunately for those with a screamy voice, a lot of those with a quiet one don't understand how crippling more severe cases really are, or that it's a legitimate problem and not just "all in your head." Because een things that are all in your head are still there and need to be dealt with.

^-.-^

Yes. And that voice doesn't shut up no matter what you do when it breaks you. The best you can do is quiet it down a bit. You can get some medication, or go to therapy and hope the therapist can help you some, or drink until you can't hear it anymore - or, if you're me, all of the above. But it always comes back louder than ever. Like GK said, the "feel like shit" button is automatically jammed in the on position as default. I wish I could change it, but all of my efforts thus far have been in vain.

[fireheart17]

Massive Misdiagnosis
Psychiatrists make more money from multiple 15 minute sessions than they do weekly hour long sessions. Exploitation of the insurance system. often times, you're diagnosed before you even step through the door.

Not to nitpick too much on this one, but my diagnosis didn't come until 2010. before that, the doctors at the hospital wouldn't give me a name for it. Somehow, since then I've managed to drop my status from "moderate-severe" to "mild-moderate". Although that came with a few hospital visits over 2008-2010, a few visits to the GP and ongoing sessions with a counsellor. At first they were fortnightly. Now they're monthly. Eventually we're going to work towards making it every 2 months and slowly wean me off of the therapy.

And after meeting a psychiatrist to get a full assessment (for my counsellor), we discovered that my mental instability went back as far as when I was in high school and they actually tested me to see if I had Aspergers. (which was a waste of their time and mine, but also confirmed that switching schools was the best thing to do)

Seemingly Trivial Things
Regardless of the validity of the diagnosis, you have people that get seriously emotional and depressed over the most petty and trivial of things.

Those people are just fucking stupid.
Admittedly, I have had episodes that have been triggered by stress due to certain events that may seem petty to others. Most of those episodes have dropped, but there are times when I still have them. Especially of late, job rejections have resulted in small episodes of mood instability.