People's Fake Efforts

[blas87]

This is probably another one of my notorious threads I couldn't name properly, but please hear me out.

I'm about to just give up on nearly everyone, I swear. I don't know what is so hard about staying true to your word, and making your friends feel important. I do it, because I was raised to treat people who are important to you like they are, not like they are just options or last resort tagalongs.

I hate when I finally lose my shit with someone over not being treated the way I want to be, and so for a day or two or maybe a week, they'll start being the ones to initiate plans or start the texting, and then...........we're back to square one again, I'm on the backburner again, all of a sudden, I'm the only one who cares...again.

Does anyone get what I mean? It's like yeah, so you got bitched at about your behavior, you changed it and are acting different for a few days until you just slip back into whatever you were doing before again.

It's exhausting. I wish I had more friends.

[BlaqueKatt]

Does anyone get what I mean? It's like yeah, so you got bitched at about your behavior, you changed it and are acting different for a few days until you just slip back into whatever you were doing before again.

It's exhausting. I wish I had more friends.

welcome to my marriage.....I'm dead serious.

[siead_lietrathua]

i get that a lot from my partners too. especially my secondary. they have their pre-established habits from before they met me, and can't necessarily change their ways (both easily distracted workaholic/ hobbyists). *shrug*

[blas87]

I know I don't always come across this way on here and CS, but I'm actually a very caring person. And I'm the type of person who is very about showing how much I care about people. Friends, family.....anyone who is close to me, I feel like I should always show how I care. It's just who I am.

I feel like the only people who even remotely care about me, who even tell me day to day that they care, are my parents. Yay. Right? I live with my parents who drive me batshit insane by messing up the house and me cleaning it up, and all my dad does is drink and piss all over the bathroom floor, and my mom just yells about everything. Yet, they are the only people day to day who say they care. Dad's the only one who, every day, says he needs to know that I got somewhere safe, that he'd be lost without me. The only people who say they care and even remotely act like they do by remembering little stupid shit for me.

No one else cares. And it bothers me. I want to feel important to others. And I don't feel like I do.

[BlaqueKatt]

No one else cares. And it bothers me. I want to feel important to others. And I don't feel like I do.

I think everyone feels like that, people are getting overloaded with information and news of suffering, so they filter out all of it, not realizing they're doing it not only to the abstract "people" on the news, but their loved ones as well. My friends, family, spouse, in-laws, none of them can be bothered to even so much as send a 3 second text message of "hi, how are you?" As a matter of fact, the last person in my life to Actually say they cared about me, was Driver(plaidman).
A few examples:
Last thanksgiving, I sat at home alone, because I wasn't invited anywhere, my spouse went to his familiy's for 12 hours, and screamed at me because I called to ask when he'd be home. No one asked about me. At a halloween party we went to(spouse's cousins), they decided to play a game that throws me into a full blown anxiety attack, they wouldn't change the game because "everyone wanted to play it, and I needed to get over myself". I ended up leaving. A few weeks ago I had a migraine, couldn't see, hadn't eaten, and my spouse decided to go see a band, leaving me about 90% incapacitated, and got mad when I called because "I ruined his enjoyment of the night." He promised to come home to take care of me, then decided without telling me, that his "night out" was "much more important" than his, at that point, very sick wife(I actually needed to go to the ER), he finally came home at 11pm and went straight to bed because he had to work in the morning. I told him I was sick of being treated as an afterthought, and was filing for divorce, now he's slightly more attentive, and begged me not to file, if it goes back to how it's been one more time, BlaqueKatt WILL be single again. Hell I haven't heard from my own SISTER, who lives 5 miles from me, in almost two years.

And Blas, If I lived closer(or had a car), I'd make the effort, I'm just that kind of person, plus I need someone to shop with, I'm awful at picking out clothes.

[Giggle Goose]

Hear ya loud and clear over here!! I'm lucky to have a partner that makes an effort. Or if he does screw up, he at least takes responsibility for his actions.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for my parents or a lot of my so-called friends. It's honestly why I have trouble making friends, because most that I've had in the past either pull the same shit, or they go to the other extreme and go batshit crazy when I tell them I have other plans. It's discouraging, but good to know I'm not alone. Just wish all the Fratching folks lived closer

[blas87]

I know, Katt. I wish it wasn't getting to be winter and I wasn't on hour cuts and furloughs, otherwise I'd love to come hang out and make a new friend.

I remember your FB post about that night. That wasn't very nice of him at all.

I made a new friend at work a while back, but it's really hard to do much with her, but at the very least, she at least texts me while we're off work and we chat back and forth and try to make plans for after we get paid if we have any extra.

I'm glad I'm not alone. I know it seems kinda passive aggressive or almost kinda "Well, what do you expect?" when I get pissed at someone, they change their ways for a few days and do what I bitched at them for not doing for me, but it just seems days later, they are back to just having me as an afterthought, option if nothing else is going on, etc etc. I'm to the point where it almost angers me that they'll only do things to show they care when I get mad at them, but they don't just normally do it.

[BlaqueKatt]

I know, Katt. I wish it wasn't getting to be winter and I wasn't on hour cuts and furloughs, otherwise I'd love to come hang out and make a new friend.

well I am available most of next week(spouse is in Chicago, and I'm on PTO due to very low workload after months of 6 day workweeks), and can provide up to $100 gas money(just got paid-yay!), unfortunately it's snowing here.

[blas87]

It's not too bad here, yet, but damn if it didn't go from 60 to 25 degrees in a matter of hours last night (brother was chasing his hat down an alley on our way out of the bar!) and there's a light coating of snow in the yard. So, now we enter the time of year where my bedroom is now an ice box.

I know I didn't roll out of bed until 10:30 because I could still hear the wind howling against my window and that constant thumping against my window. Decided to throw some clothes in the wash and grab a treat at McDonalds, and my windows were frozen shut, and all I wanted was a cigarette

[powerboy]

Yeah I know what you mean. I am a nice guy. I treat people how I would want to be treated. But yet, some people likes to be two faced with me.

[HYHYBT]

As someone likely to get lumped into the "must not care because he doesn't initiate interactions" side... for me, at least, it's not a matter of not caring. It's far closer to social ineptitude. It simply doesn't occur to me to call someone I see fairly often unless there's a specific, established reason, nor do I know what to say... and then, if I haven't for months and then think about it, well, it would just be weird to *receive* such a call without a reason other than "we haven't spoken in a while," and so it doesn't seem right to place one.

[blas87]

It's not so much that, HYHYBT, it's more of people that you're really close to not really giving their fair share into the friendship/relationship.

This is probably a piss poor example, but sometimes it makes me sad when I scroll my FB feed and everyone talks about how great their friends are, how blessed they are because someone fixed their flat for them or gave them a ride to work or brought them soup when they were sick......I can't think of a single person (other than my brother or dad) who would come right up and do that for me. But if they did, you can bet I'd be telling everyone I know how grateful I am that people want to help me and make me feel special.

It might just be my inner demons screaming out loud without me being able to filter them, but I just feel like no one ever tells anyone, let alone me, how great I am or anything unless I get after them for making me feel like nothing, then all of a sudden it's like they almost suck up to me for a few days.

[AmbrosiaWriter]

I'm on the level of *so introverted it's painful.* I like making friends, and when I'm out with them I'm very loud and extroverted, but I'm not one to call people up and make plans. I typically wait for people to call or initiate contact with me because - for some reason that I haven't been able to overcome - I feel the overwhelming sense of guilt that I may be bothering someone if I were to call or text and ask to hang out. While I'm introverted, once the call goes out for a get together I immediately will start suggesting calling or texting other friends to invite as well. (Especially if I knew they weren't able to get out with friends that often.)

Yeah, but this "guilt thing" has left me pretty much shut up in my house and alone except for family for the better part of the last few months. Probably really bad for my mental health but...

While on that note, anyone who DOES call me gets my full attention and I'm always ready and willing to listen, come out, or jump in my car at two in the morning to help a friend escape from her abusive mother and bunk out at a mutual friend's house (yes I have done this.)

I have lost a friend who was always angry that I didn't like to just "chit-chat" on the phone for hours on end (I'm really awkward on the phone though I try my best not to let it show) and it was always her calling me. I was fine texting for hours, but actually talking left me in a fragile state of easily distracted as hard as I try to not be. I felt really bad but once she shunned me completely for falling violently ill one weekend we had plans... I'm wondering if I was the one with the problem.

I understand where you're coming from Blas, and if I lived closer I'd so be there. You deserve way better than what you're getting right now. *big hugs*

[blas87]

I'm not big on talking on the phone either. I'm a huge texter.

I don't feel like a bother to people, because I already made a thread about a year ago regarding a couple of particular people I was close to at the time who were so clingy and so....insecure with themselves, they couldn't handle the fact that I might be doing something else for a split second than replying to their texts.

I've got my demons and inner battles I'm working on, I know I'm a pretty cool chick, I just can't figure out why people seem to think of me last when it comes to certain things, or only think of me when they're bored or have no other options. That, or when I do kind of lay it down and say "Hey, I'm not just some option here, I thought we were closer than that", they seemingly suck up to me until they're comfortable where they were again.

[BlaqueKatt]

I typically wait for people to call or initiate contact with me because - for some reason that I haven't been able to overcome - I feel the overwhelming sense of guilt that I may be bothering someone if I were to call or text and ask to hang out.

Well look at it this way, text messages are meant to wait until someone isn't too busy, from my point of view.