Can't See The Common Denominator

[the_std]

I'm sure that either I or someone else on this forum has posted about this topic before, but I've seen an enormous resurgence in this behaviour lately, so I wanted to comment on it.

There is very little in this world more frustrating than some people commenting on the problems in their lives which seem to continue on in never-ending holding pattern, without ever stopping to look at the common denominator in it all - themselves.

Example number one:
One of my employees at work is pretty close to thirty and has worked in the same non-management position in retail for close to ten years, and is always saying how he's being taken advantage of. "They always pass me over for promotions!" he cries, "They can't see my qualifications! If I don't advance soon, I'm going to quit!" (I've been there for three years, and he's said the same thing since the day I met him.) Yet, when the position I'm now working in became available, I asked him if he was going to apply. "No, no, who needs all that extra responsibility? Besides, they wouldn't give it to me anyways."

I know this is something most of us see and that these people are generally considered defeatists. It's entirely possible that, once or twice, he applied to a management position and was passed over (for whatever reason) and therefore decided he was never going to get it. For sure, it's depressing when things don't turn out the way you think they will, but you start to lose credibility if you have the same excuse every time without showing any signs of trying.

Example number two:
Someone I follow on Twitter (who lives in a different country than I do) posted a series of tweets asking what people were doing that night. No one replied for about an hour, so he sent out another series of tweets, each one getting more desperate sounding (things like "why does no one like me" and "no one ever wants to hang out - guys, I'll even pay, please hang out with me!" and "I don't know why no one likes me, please tell me why you don't want to see me"). Finally, someone who seemed to be in the same city as them asked if he wanted to go see a one-night show, their treat, and he replied with something along the lines of, "Creep! You're just feeling sorry for me! Who goes to the theatre?"

It was wholly depressing to watch him beg and plead for people to basically pay attention to him, and then turn around and squander any sympathy he might have gained.

It's not just these examples, of course, I see it all over the place. Some people can't seem to recognize these patterns in their lives (one slightly famous example from this board comes to mind) and then proceed to whinge about their terrible lives or situations. I'm not expecting them to change for the people they're talking to - if they want to change their situations, they will and that is not any of my business. All I'd like to see if a little self-awareness. I had mine hit me when I was eighteen after I graduated from high school.

I had had a series of really unhealthy personal relationships and was unable to get into the university of my choice due to interviewing poorly, and I railed against the unfair world not giving me the chance I thought I was due to all who would listen, until one job interviewer said, "You've got the skills, but your attitude shows on your face, and we don't think you'd be a good fit for this office."

I realized that my depression (clinical at the time) and lack of perspective due to my age and slight real-world experience was souring me to everyone, even people I didn't know. I had to shift gears and begin to work on my problems, starting with keeping them off of my sleeve when the situation (say, job interview) had nothing to do with my cheating scumbag of a boyfriend. I still poured my heart and soul out to my parents, the few friends still around, people who had the knowledge of my personal situation to help me deal, but even when I was down in the dumps, I had to realize the source of my issues was, ultimately, me... And move on from there.

Therefore, people keeping the blindfold on and stumbling through the same shitty situations and same painful problems over and over and over again is annoying and gets tiring pretty damn quickly.

[TheHuckster]

I generally agree with you. There are some people who believe the universe had conspired against them and that's the only reason for whatever state they are in. On the other hand, there are some truly unlucky people who, through no fault of their own, simply find the wrong friends, or the wrong jobs, and end up getting the shaft. The worst thing about that is, after a few spans of shit luck, that can cause one to feel pessimistic about whatever else comes their way which ends up perpetuating them to feel more miserable, which begets more "bad luck" when they don't realize that this new bad luck is due to their own pessimistic attitudes.

However, there are still the people who were simply born assholes, and if someone calls them out on it, it's their problem... and when they're left with no friends, it must be everyone else who made it their life goal to make it that way.

[protege]

Depression really is a bitch....which can really fuck with your mind. With that said, I can understand if someone can't quite see reality. I can also understand someone falling on hard times through no fault of their own, and not being able to climb out of it. I can understand temporarily working at a job that sucks until something better comes along. Been there, done that.

No, what annoys the hell out of me, are people who fuck up their own lives, and then try to blame others, or make people feel sorry for them. People like my brother, in other words. I've posted some of this crap before, so feel free to skip ahead...

1. He passed up a very good job a few years back. At the time, he was trying to get into the US Marshals. Even with his heart murmur, they were willing to take him. Probably not as much "field duty," but he could have written his own ticket...and ended up with a sweet ass job. He turned it down, because he apparently felt that office work was beneath him. Now he works for the county and gets paid very little.

2. Last year, he moved into a townhouse...and has had to sink quite a bit into fixing it up. This, he blames on my mother, since she "forced" him to buy it. I really doubt she held a gun to his head and said "sign the papers, or else!" No, I have a feeling that she wanted him out of her house because he was a 33-year-old freeloader and constantly arguing with dad. It's also her fault that he either didn't get a home inspection, or if he did...went with the cheapest option. It's also her fault that he's had to spend most of his money fixing up that stupid townhouse.

It's gotten to the point that I no longer visit him, and sometimes can't stand to be around him. Every time I do, I get to listen to an hour's worth (all I can stand) whining about #1 and #2. Sometimes, there's the added bonus of #3, when he starts about how my brother and I had "everything" given to us

At least he doesn't rant about #4 when I'm around. What's that, you ask? That would be my dad's old car, which I received as a birthday gift some years ago. Car was a mess, but as the only "car guy" in the family, and the only one who paid any attention to it, not to mention the only one who worked on it and paid for repairs, why not? Mom wanted it out of the garage, and dad wanted to reward me for working my ass off.

Dad put him in his place about that. He said something like "You know, Protege worked his ass off. Even with his mental issues, he put himself through college, paid off his loans, bought the house himself, helps me out when he can, not to mention helps out his grandmother on weekends. You don't do any of that. What the fuck is your excuse?"

[Rageaholic]

The type of people who are starting to get on my nerves are those who are pushy, persistant, have no regard for the feelings of others, will criticize you with no regard for your feelings, and just be unbearable to be around.

But when you call them out on it, no matter how gently, they get overdramatic. Either they act extremely apologetic to the point of "wah no one likes me" or they call you an ungrateful jerk who can't appreciate their help (even though NO ONE ASKED FOR THEIR FUCKING HELP IN THE FIRST PLACE).

[MrsEclipse]

The day I realized how many of my problems were my fault was the turning point in my life. Unfortunately, knowing that you're the problem doesn't quite tell you how to solve the problem. It's only a step.

A common theme in my stories is people with problems, who are aware at least on some level that they are the cause of most of them, and trying hard to fix it. Because just knowing you're the problem isn't enough, like just knowing you're an alcoholic isn't enough to make you stop drinking forever and get your whole life back on track. I want to share that with people and try to help them.

When the opportunity arises, I tell people: "You have two choices: your problems are caused by everyone else and you can't do anything about it, or your problems are caused by you and that means it's in your control to fix it and make your life awesome. Doesn't that second one sound great when you put it that way?"

[TheHuckster]

When the opportunity arises, I tell people: "You have two choices: your problems are caused by everyone else and you can't do anything about it, or your problems are caused by you and that means it's in your control to fix it and make your life awesome. Doesn't that second one sound great when you put it that way?"

The problem is I feel that people are stubborn to accept that because it's easier to blame other people. Even if they remain miserable, they feel a little better when, as they sulk about it, they rationalize it away by shrugging it off as what everyone dealt them rather than what they dealt themselves.

It takes a lot less effort to do that than actually take steps to improve yourself, even if, in the end, you're so much better off.

[Andara Bledin]

Deep down, most people would rather be right than get the result they want. It's a basic instinct and part of how we're wired.

^-.-^

[TheHuckster]

Deep down, most people would rather be right than get the result they want. It's a basic instinct and part of how we're wired.

It's also a timing thing. When you're miserable, you get instant gratification by deflecting it by blaming others. Whereas most of the time actually doing something worthwhile about it can take a lot more time.

[Hyena Dandy]

I know someone like this.

Always gets into a new social situation, really happy and excited about it, then leaves after she decides that everyone is 'too fake' and just mean people.

The common denominator seems to be 'actively pursuing people known to be in committed relationships'